IF Testing & Treatment w/o Jul 31

maggiemadeit · July 2023

This is a place for those of us who have already started TTC, but have started infertility testing and/or treatments. You can express your thoughts, feelings, and frustrations on infertility. TTC can be a long journey naturally, then add in the difficulties associated with infertility, and it becomes a whole new ballgame. The road to infertility can be lonely, frustrating, and complicated, so let's make this a place where we can vent, ask questions, and support one another. Feel free to resurrect this thread at any point in the week if you have something to say. Treat this as an ongoing conversation.

Diagnosis (if you've been):

Status (TI/ICI/IUI/IVF/FET/benched):

What are you doing this cycle? (Testing? Treatment?):

How are things going?:

Any questions?:

GTKY: What are you reading right now?

charmedlifex3 · August 2023

Diagnosis (if you've been): RPL, left tube blocked

Status (TI/ICI/IUI/IVF/FET/benched): WFAF after loss

What are you doing this cycle? (Testing? Treatment?): I see my new RE next Monday! Boston IVF - hoping to get a solid plan to move forward.

How are things going?: we had a trip this last week and it was a mess. We were supposed to stay at my parents place in Florida- we got there and it was covered in mold! So unexpected change of plans. It ended up working out, we booked an amazing boutique hotel with a water view and full kitchen, then hopped over to Orlando early and did SeaWorld before Disney. (Disney was planned) we did our honeymoon at Disney and try to go every couple years.

Any questions?:

GTKY: What are you reading right now? Tiny little thing by Beatriz Williams. Just started it!

optimisticoctopus · August 2023

@charmedlifex3 your change of plans is serious lemonade from lemons! Sounds amazing!

Diagnosis (if you've been): PCOS

Status (TI/ICI/IUI/IVF/FET/benched): natural cycle

What are you doing this cycle? (Testing? Treatment?): all our chromosome/carrier screening tests came back normal!! Still gave it a shot when I got a positive OPK, but at this point we’re just WFAF so we can get on with this whole egg retrieval business already!

How are things going?: good! Our NY vacation last week was so nice. The mountain air was just incredibly refreshing lol. We’re back now and I cleaned our entire house yesterday which felt incredibly productive. MH is away later this week (thurs-sun), so I’m making some plans to get together with friends!

Any questions?: NATM

GTKY: What are you reading right now? The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo. It’s great! I’ve been reading it for a year lol and think I may actually get to finish it this month. I used to be such a big reader over the summer and am trying to get back to it and stick with it during the school year.

optimistgardener · August 2023

pardon the failure to conform to format here, and apologies also to those of you who are newer and never met me before i disappeared.

i’ve been wondering where to post this note, because although i am not “graduating” in the sense of getting pregnant, I do feel like I am stepping, however unwillingly, into another phase of ~things~, and away from this board. it does feel, perversely, like graduating, albeit not in the way I had hoped. I considered but decided against posting it in the graduation thread because I am still kind of a rule follower. Instead I am posting it here in IF, because this is really where my home has been. Consider this a graduation post of a sort, though. Spoilering because it's a novel and also for potential triggers: loss, CP, general IF BS, cancer, etc.

I used to be really active here. I’ve been trying to get pregnant since 2018, and from Jan or Feb of 2021 through to the start of this year, this board, and especially the IF thread, served as a haven where I met a number of wonderful and supportive people (amongst them @acleverusername @inthewoods23 @kiki047 @anniemarie887 @bearmomma1 @Paturkey @gingermama29 @bumblebee0210 @stormageddon-darklordofall @keikilove @bows22 and so many others--if i didn't name you, it's not because i haven't appreciated all of our conversations) who have been such supportive and wonderful people. who knew an internet forum could be such a much-needed home? After the failure of my second embryo transfer in January, and as I planned my last transfer, though, I stopped posting as much, and then at all. It felt like I no longer knew what to say. The possibility loomed that I was not going to “graduate” like everyone else did, no matter how hard I tried. (I’m 40, my one remaining ovary has worked her little butt off but she’s not been making good eggs for a while now, I’ve spent who knows how many tens of thousands of dollars, I’ve taken all the supplements, tried the acupuncture and the positive thinking and the avoidant thinking and the surgeries and the brazil nuts and the belly shots and the science and the whatever. None of it has made a difference.) I thought about a handful of other women i’ve known here who have finally stepped away from this board, some of them after being active for a few months, others who had been here for years, but never got to post their well-deserved farewells in the TTGP graduation thread after their painful battles with IF.
There is no easy route for the minority of us here who never get their “take home baby.” A few days ago I was having a conversation via PM with another user of this board and we talked about how weird it is to kind of slowly disappear out the side door when for most people, there is an expectation that if you just keep trying for long enough, you’ll eventually graduate in the classic manner. Anyway, this post is for those of us who don’t, in the end, get the baby we want.
I transferred my last frozen embryo on July 23, and got my negative beta yesterday. For this final transfer, I did a fully natural cycle, just adding baby tylenol. The embryo was female. When i arrived for my transfer, the doctor seemed kind of dubious about it, he showed me that a number of cells hadn't survived the thaw, he was a worried that it wasn’t re-expanding as expected, although clearly it was still alive, etc. But he pivoted quickly to the hope that my “supportive uterine environment” (lol) would give it the assist it needed. The previous embryo (which also never implanted) was a male, and the doctor had been filled with praise for its vigorousness after thaw. For that embryo, I had been fully medicated, weeks of IM shots and all the acupuncture and woo I could manage. Both of these embryos were euploid, both made by me and an anonymous sperm donor after years of effort. I did three egg retrievals to get those two euploid embryos, and was over the moon last year when I learned I had succeeded in making them. The statistics had seemed to be on my side, finally. Two euploids seemed like a pretty good shot at a baby! The previous year I had done two other retrievals (5 in total!) to get one mosaic embryo, a female that I secretly already named—Sydney. I transferred her in February of 2023, and she was the only embryo who began to implant for me, enough that I woke up about 6dp5dt and knew she was there, enough that I wasn’t surprised when I got that hoped-for second line on a FRER. And then, she faded away. By the day of my first beta, I was no longer getting clear lines on my FRERS, just squinters, so I knew she was leaving. Still, she did get me a positive beta of 20, just barely meeting the barest definition of pregnant. That is as pregnant, probably, as I will ever be.
I did almost most of this process, my 5 years of infertility, without a partner. In some ways it is easier alone; all my decisions are my own, I disappoint only myself. But it is also a lot to carry, and I’ve dealt with it by hardening myself, getting a little angry when people express sympathy. Part of what pushed me to trying to carry a baby was my mother’s diagnosis with an aggressive, rare metastatic cancer. Wonderfully, after these 5 years, she remains healthy. But I carry the burden that I will not be able to give her a grandchild. That there will be no genetic echoes of my mom’s insight and poetry, of my dad’s generosity and his athleticism, in future generations. I was not successful in this basic task of passing along my family’s genetics.
There is a brighter side to all of this. Last winter I began dating my partner, a friend i've known now for almost 2 years. He has been with me through these last two transfers, driving with the 3 hour journey to appointments, delivering me to the ice cream parlor after a painful biopsy and keeping me more or less joyfully distracted while I waited for my beta, making me laugh, making me meals, listening if I wanted to talk, making sure I knew that whatever happens, he is just happy to be by my side. Seeing how he has supported me through what is admittedly a very unusual process for a new boyfriend to step into the middle of has helped to confirm how lucky I am that we crossed paths, even if I am sorry that we didn’t meet earlier, when we might have had a chance at making a baby together. Being with him has also shown me how much I have hardened myself, because he doesn’t put up with my bristly reactions. He sees behind them, and in turn forces me to see behind them, and address my emotions instead of shoving them into a deep hole. For any single women out there TTGP who might one day read this--if you are interested in a future partner (and it's cool if you're not), it's not impossible for these two things to align, even though it can feel that way sometimes.
I'm not sure what the path is from here. I'm meeting with my RE tomorrow for a WTF appointment. I'm going to ask about the egg donor process, but I am pretty concerned that after 3 failed transfers, something is seriously funky with my uterus, and it's not just the obvious issue here of bad eggs. Regardless, new boyfriend and I will probably adopt a low-stakes effort at timing things for my monthly cycle, but let's be serious here, that's like a .01% chance. I think this is, finally, the end of my fertility journey.
Anyway, this whole process has taught me a huge amount: I already have a phd, but I gained what felt like a second one in infertility; I made friends I never expected to make here; I learned about this whole community of people who are so strong and generous and brave, who struggle so hard, willingly accepting physical pain, financial losses, emotional trauma, and who endure public shame, awkward questions, family pressure, and thoughtless comments from friend as they struggle to become the parents they know they can be. Y’all have been so inspiring. I know this board has been really quiet of late, but I am so glad that it has been here for so many, and I hope it will be here for others in the future.

maggiemadeit · August 2023

@optimistgardener Sending you a big internet stranger hug. You've helped a lot of women here by sharing all that knowledge from your IF PhD, and I'm grateful for all that you've shared on here. I hope this new phase of life brings you happiness and peace

bearmomma1 · August 2023

@optimistgardener hugs friend. Beautifully written syonara post. I’ve felt/feel so many of your feelings and I’m so sorry you’ve come to the end of your IF journey with only battle scars to show. I hope the hardening keeps softening by the jewel of a man you’ve found along the way. I’ll see you on the other side of the hedge my friend

inthewoods23 · August 2023

@optimistgardener hugs friend! 🫂 So beautifully written. I'm so sad to see the end of your IF journey go this way but it sounds like you've found a really great partner in life and for that I couldn't be happier for you!

And genetics schmenetics. Any child you raise will know the love, care, and abilities your parents have and may easily take after them.

Anyway, I wish you all the best in your next chapter of life! I hope we can keep in touch ❤️

anniemarie887 · August 2023

*lurking* @optimistgardener i'm sitting here at my desk with such a flurry of emotions reading this. first, big huge smothering stranger hug to you. your post is beautiful. and obviously tinged with sadness, but i know there is hope in there, too. i know we don't need another person to validate us in life, but man, your boyfriend is a keeper. it's completely understandable to become numb when you feel like you live inside of a science experiment, and i'm so glad he sees you past all of that. i'm always here to chat. i'll also echo the genetics schmenetics, i do understand your emotions around that, but i think i mentioned previously i don't share 100% dna with any of my sisters (one is half, two are adopted) and they are just my sisters, no other explanation of lack of dna warranted. i'll be thinking of you

gingermama29 · August 2023

*lurking*

@optimistgardener sending you so many hugs friend. I’m sorry that your journey here is ending but I am so beyond happy for you that you’ve found a wonderful and supportive partner throughout this process. I’m so grateful to have gotten to know you during our years here and still wish nothing but the best for you. Whether you end up sharing genetics with a future child or not, any kid you raise will be well loved and lucky to have you for a mama. I’m always just a PM away if you ever want to chat ❤️❤️

optimistgardener · August 2023

thanks, y'all. and i know that i'm being silly with the genetics stuff; i know enough people who have built families in all sorts of ways to know genetic relationship is not the most important thing. but for some reason my lizard brain gets really stuck on it. gotta work on that i guess, haha.

anniemarie887 · August 2023

@optimistgardener you're not being silly! your feelings are absolutely valid, and not uncommon.

bumblebee0210 · August 2023

*lurking* @optimistgardener. Thank you for writing this, and I'm so sorry that this is the end of the long retrieval/transfer IVF road you have been on. It feels unfair to have done so much and to walk away without a THB. I do think that this is not the end of the story. Motherhood takes many forms and many unexpected twists and turns, and I think mothering is in your future, whatever shape it takes. I am so happy that you found a partner too, and that your mother is still healthy. Thanks for all of your nerdy support over the years-- my own trip through here would have been so much less without your camaraderie. Hugs.

stormageddon-darklordofall · August 2023

@optimistgardener May you find happiness in your life beyond TTC. I'm so sorry you did not get to graduate in the usual manner, and I hope you can find peace and joy in your life as you move forward. I will miss you!

optimistgardener · August 2023

thanks @bumblebee0210, your nerdiness was part of what made me first feel at home here. and @stormageddon-darklordofall truthfully i will probably still lurk - it's very cathartic, as you know, to grouse at peggies and it is perhaps more productively cathartic to share all this knowledge we both wish we didn't have with others who find themselves in situations that are all too familiar.

I am ~hesitantly~ thinking about the egg donor option as a way forward, but i am glad that for once there is no huge ticking time bomb hanging over my geriatric self. i spoke to my RE yesterday for my WTF appointment and he talked me through the process, suggested i have a few conversations with my partner about that that reality would mean, and essentially said that my chances if i started next week versus in two years would look nearly the same from a statistical success perspective, so i could take my time on that.

stormageddon-darklordofall · August 2023

@optimistgardener Sometimes I legit survive life by grousing at peggies! Reminding people that it's NOT all unicorns and rainbows and glitter poop is one of my life missions with TTC/loss.

(Seriously, you should see my FB page. HA)

bows22 · August 2023

Lurking…. @optimistgardener thank you for checking in, and I’m sorry for the loss of your embryo. You were such a supporter and cheerleader for all of us when we were on TTGP and I hope I returned even a fraction of that support back to you. I’m glad you have some time to figure out your next steps and I’m sure whatever path you take will be the right one for you ❤️

sunshine134 · August 2023

Lurking... Optimistgardener, I know you don't know me, but I've been here or lurking a year and I remember you. I read your post and bawled my eyes out. I am so sorry you didn't get the baby you deserve, but I wish you the best in the future. As someone who also is likely never to conceive, your post spoke to me. Thank you for being you and for being here. All the best.

virginiaham · August 2023

@optimistgardener just wanted to send my best to you. You are a gem, and it sounds like he is gem. I hope whatever you decide is the best way forward, you’ll find love and support all along the way. It’s always here from us.

optimistgardener · August 2023

@sunshine134 i remember you! i'm so sorry you feel like the odds are also against you.

i think one of the points with my wandering goodbye/diatribe here is that it feels strange that there is no way off the train on this board except via the grad thread, where people (deservedly) get gifs and wishes for an h&h 9 months and congratulations and fanfare. the remainder of us find ourselves just like, stepping out alone on some darkened station platform somewhere in the middle of the night, hoping no one notices but also kind of wishing someone would. because it isn't as if we didn't put in aaallll the work that everyone else did. i can see that the board is super quiet and maybe it is dying its own slow death, but if it were a bit more active i might try to argue for a collective rethink/alternative solution on this. it is important for people to know that the process of TTGP does not always result in a baby, and that it's not a matter of not trying hard enough or not taking the right combination of supplements or failing to think positive thoughts or failing to place enough faith in the healing powers of acupuncture (no shade on acupuncture, here, i know lots of people love it). maybe i'm just grumpy because my acupuncturist (who looked like she was maybe 25) in january told me to form my hands into a little heart shape over my uterus at night before i went to bed because it was important that the embryo knew it was loved so it could settle in and grow. i thought it was BS at the time but now i'm like, seriously? is the subtext here that i not did do enough to show the embryo it was loved?

anyway, sometimes deciding that enough is enough, that the ends no longer justify the means, or that you've spent all the money you can afford or pushed your body hard enough or whatever it happens to be, those are good and solid decisions, really effing hard to make decisions, and they also deserve acknowledgement. 🎉

virginiaham · August 2023

optimistgardener said:

sometimes deciding that enough is enough, that the ends no longer justify the means, or that you've spent all the money you can afford or pushed your body hard enough or whatever it happens to be, those are good and solid decisions, really effing hard to make decisions, and they also deserve acknowledgement. 🎉

You said all of it, and especially this part, so beautifully 💯❤️

sunshine134 · August 2023

@optimistgardener, bravo to you. What you said is so important and you say it so well. Thank you. Thank you! Thank you!!!

Happy and Healthy Life to you with contentment in your decision and peace in your soul. Put a heart around your heart before you go to bed and remember that you inspired many and you are loved and worthy. You've inspired me just today and I applaud you. Big virtual hugs.

kiki047 · August 2023

*lurking*
@optimistgardener seeing this weeks after you posted it, but feeling the gravity of it nonetheless. I'm so sorry for all that you've been through, and especially knowing that the outcome is not what you wished or hoped for. When we were trying to wrap our heads around the possibility that our IF journey may not end in a THB either, we were constantly reminded that if we wanted to be parents, how we got there wouldn't matter. But it mattered to us. The needles, the procedures, early mornings, tears, heartbreak, fleeting joy and unsurmountable loss... that all matters. So I'm here to say that your feelings are valid and that I hope you find peace in knowing that you did absolutely everything you could, and that this is not a failure on anyone's part. Whatever your future holds, it sounds like you have the most wonderfully supportive partner through it all, and a (knock on wood) healthy Mom who loves you unconditionally. You're right in that there doesn't feel like there's a way "out" of here other than to graduate or fade off into the sunset, and while this doesn't feel like it's cause for celebration, I'm still going to celebrate you for all that you've brought to the board in your time here, and for your friendship.

mambo5-2 · August 2023

*** Lurking*** @optimistgardener thinking of you my friend and wishing you all the happiness in the world

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