When To Tell Him?

Hi all,

I apologize in advance for this long post, but I could really use some advice right now. About a month ago my husband deployed overseas for six months; the day after he left I found out I was pregnant. We have always been very careful so it was a complete shock to me. We are both on the fence about whether or not we'll have kids.. His mindset that if it does happen he'll be happy but he's not pushing for it, and I go back and forth depending on the day.

Now my husband HATES to talk on the phone in front of other people, it makes him extremely uncomfortable, so I wasn't able to tell him the first few days because he was quarantining with three other guys and couldn't get more than six feet away from anyone, even in the bathroom. When he got out of quarantine he immediately left for some field training, no wifi so no contact. While he was away I bought a onesie with a matching tee shirt for him, figured that might be a cute way to kind of ease him into the notion that we're having a baby instead of just outright saying "surprise!" which, historically, he doesn't respond that well to. When he got back the first thing he told me was he's been absolutely miserable since he got there, having no one to talk to (he joined the military at a late age and is significantly older than nearly everyone in his unit, there are only a handful of people he can relate to and none of them have deployed yet) so I put off telling him a little longer, hoping he would feel better once he had wifi and could talk to his friends and family again. Unfortunately two days after that was his mom's birthday, the first one since she unexpectedly passed last year, and he took it really hard. Another couple of really rough days followed.

At that point it had been weeks since I found out I was pregnant, which is just crazy to me. We know absolutely everything that goes on in each others' life, I mean he even calls me when he's taking a nap just so he can listen to whatever typing/cooking/etc noises I'm making as background noise. I really wanted to tell him but I honestly didn't know how he'd react, I haven't heard him that miserable since boot camp. I figured he'd probably be as shocked as me, then maybe happy, or maybe really upset that he wouldn't be around for the majority of the pregnancy. He's an extremely hands-on kind of guy and would want to be involved with every second of it all. I really didn't want to make things harder for him when he was already struggling so much to adjust.

He left for four more days of field training and on day one I decided no matter how he was doing I would tell him when he got back. But that evening I started feeling very off.. I had some non-stop pregnancy symptoms right from the start (morning sickness is such an inaccurate name) and out of nowhere they all disappeared. Within a few hours it was very clear I was having a miscarriage. The worst of it was over by the time he got back from the field, and thankfully he has been feeling much happier since.

To head off any questions/comments, I feel fine with how it all turned out. I'm neither upset or relieved. With my husband deploying and me taking care of our new house all by myself, working full time, and going to school, I think my head was too busy to fully process the fact that for seven weeks I was pregnant. Some people will probably think I'm terrible, and maybe I am, but I didn't feel any kind of attachment to it at any point. Or who knows, maybe I'm just in denial.

It's been a week now and I still haven't told him about any of it, because frankly I don't know how. This is going to upset him, either because he's sad I lost the baby or angry I didn't tell him about everything as it was happening. I don't want him to think I'm keeping secrets from him, that's never been my intention. I feel so useless while he's having such a hard time over there, I just wanted to protect him from a little more pain. He deserves to know, I just don't know how and when to tell him. At this point my feelings are that it happened, nothing can be done to change it, and I'm ready to move forward.. But if he takes it hard, I don't want to cause a rift between us because only I've had the time to accept it while he's still processing, on top of everything else he's dealing with. Part of me wants to wait until he's returned from his deployment, when things will be easier for him and I can say it face to face, but that's another five months away. I've already kept this from him for so long, I feel awful, I just want to avoid causing him any more hardship.

All in all I would really appreciate some advice this. I'm sorry if it's kind of all over the place, I'm a major over-thinker and have a hard time putting my millions of thoughts down in a way that makes sense to other people. Thank you in advance, I appreciate any and all wisdom you can offer!