Blended Families
vme2012
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Don't want sd around new baby?
vme2012
member
I am looking for some advice on how to overcome these feelings I've been having towards my stepdaughter. I've actually adopted her because her birth mom abandoned her, which causes enough issues in itself. my sd is 10 and is obsessed with my birth daughter she points out everything she does (even though we all see it happen) and she just wants to "watch" her but I don't want sd around dd at all. I won't let my husband even hold dd when sd is around because he will let sd play with dd and I don't want her to. She wants to do things like give her stuff that dd can get on her own and it just annoys me I don't know if it's an insecurity thing where I don't want dd to like sd more than me or what but I'm hating these feelings I just can't seem to make them go away. It's to the point where I'm very standoffish and almost resentful towards sd like wishing she wasn't there so I don't have to worry about her interacting with dd. I just don't know what to do or how to deal with this or if it's normal.
Re: Don't want sd around new baby?
I would think these feelings aren't normal but that doesn't make you a bad person. You just need to get to the root of WHY you are feeling this.
I always feel bad for the stepkids in the threads on this board because most of the behaviors aren't their fault. It's a result of coming from a broken home and often times abandoned by one of their parents. That's heartbreaking.
Based off your post I honestly can't tell WHY you don't want your SD around your DD. Sounds like the SD is a very loving older sister but you still have insecurities and it's gotten to the point that you won't even let your husband hold the baby so that's not good.
I recommend getting some therapy because you're just going to hurt your SD and alienate your biological daughter because you wont' let family be around her.
your sd does sound very loving, how long has she been in your life? I have ill feelings towards my ss because of his mom, and he is a lot like her. It's not easy being a step parent.
No, it's not normal. When we have a child between us, I hope my SS is as caring toward his new sibling as your step-daughter is toward hers.
I agree with @Bigboobsmcgee - it's not normal, and you should seek therapy so you don't hurt your step-daughter any more than you already are.
Me: 30 | DH: 34 | DSS: 14 | DS: 4
PG #2, EDD 10/12/2023
I don't see any bashing. Please don't fuel a nonexistent fire. People are passionate on this board because posters are coming on here and essentially saying they don't like children that they are supposed to love as their own. That is really sad. That's the honest to god truth.
Try to put yourself in your stepchildren's shoes. They didn't ask for a broken family, or for their stepmom to be a child herself that doesn't like them. Don't you hear how sad that sounds? You are young and yes this isn't the "perfect" situation but you HAVE to suck it up for the children. They are more important than you or your fiancé.
I was 18 when I got together with my now husband he had a 3 year old son. I had to give up a lot so I do understand but I never once took anything out on him and if I had even a second of resentment for him I would have left the relationship. My stepson is now almost 20 and DH and I have a 4 year old and a 17 month old together and I LOVE their relationship with my stepson.
You can't use the excuse that being a stepparent is hard and we weren't "fully prepared for it". When a kid is involved all excuses go out the window.
I was 19 when I met my husband. He had a 3 (almost 4) year old from another relationship who visited on weekends. I honestly did not think I would ever want kids; since I was a young teen the thought of having kids didn't appeal to me.
And then I met his son, and we started bonding, because I love his father, and regardless of what vagina he came out of, he is his father's son. I don't care who is bio mother is -- we may not share blood and genetics, but he is damn sure my kid. Through the years, he's learned my mannerisms, and he's taken on some of my quirks.
When my husband and I start having kids of our own -- they won't be his "half-siblings". They'll be his siblings. Just like my parents are his grandparents. My siblings are his aunts and uncles. My nieces and nephews are his cousins.
My family is his family. Whether he shares blood with them or not. And, to see that people would gladly enter a relationship where they KNOW that the partner has kids, but doesn't want anything to do with them for whatever effed-up reason you can come up with? It's heartbreaking, and really makes me sad for the children involved. Do you not think the kids can sense that resentment and hatred toward them? Do you not think they can tell that you don't love them (at all, or) as much as your bio-child?
They didn't choose you as a step-mother. You chose to be their step-mother. If you didn't want to treat them like your own child, then you shouldn't have gotten involved with their father.
End of freaking story.
Andplusalso; yeah, she does need to love the kid like her own. She freaking ADOPTED the child. If she didn't love the kid like her own flesh and blood and wasn't planning to treat her as such - then she never should have adopted the child. Whether the bio-mother was present in her life or not.
Good God, I would LOVE to adopt my step son. If I didn't know it would hurt him in the end, I would pray that his bio-mother would stop visitations and sign off all rights so that I could do so. However, as a step-parent, I want what's best for my son.
Some of the people here really need to get their heads out of their asses.
Me: 30 | DH: 34 | DSS: 14 | DS: 4
PG #2, EDD 10/12/2023
Also sometimes it helps to remember your relationship with your own siblings- imperfect, complex- completely separate of your parents. When my bio kids & step kids interact, or just my step kids or just my bio I realize it has NOTHING to do with me. Unless someone is in physical or emotional danger I don't get involved. BC I fought with my bio sibs, we played our own silly games that drove my mom nuts, we were best friends & enemies & that's all normal stuff kids should experience. Please, all the step mamas realize you need to be the ADULT & see the big picture. Or do these kids a favor & step out.