Don't want sd around new baby?

vme2012 · February 2016

I am looking for some advice on how to overcome these feelings I've been having towards my stepdaughter. I've actually adopted her because her birth mom abandoned her, which causes enough issues in itself. my sd is 10 and is obsessed with my birth daughter she points out everything she does (even though we all see it happen) and she just wants to "watch" her but I don't want sd around dd at all. I won't let my husband even hold dd when sd is around because he will let sd play with dd and I don't want her to. She wants to do things like give her stuff that dd can get on her own and it just annoys me I don't know if it's an insecurity thing where I don't want dd to like sd more than me or what but I'm hating these feelings I just can't seem to make them go away. It's to the point where I'm very standoffish and almost resentful towards sd like wishing she wasn't there so I don't have to worry about her interacting with dd. I just don't know what to do or how to deal with this or if it's normal.

Bigboobsmcgee · February 2016

I would think these feelings aren't normal but that doesn't make you a bad person. You just need to get to the root of WHY you are feeling this.

I always feel bad for the stepkids in the threads on this board because most of the behaviors aren't their fault. It's a result of coming from a broken home and often times abandoned by one of their parents. That's heartbreaking.

Based off your post I honestly can't tell WHY you don't want your SD around your DD. Sounds like the SD is a very loving older sister but you still have insecurities and it's gotten to the point that you won't even let your husband hold the baby so that's not good.

I recommend getting some therapy because you're just going to hurt your SD and alienate your biological daughter because you wont' let family be around her.

Kbchavez23 · February 2016

I don't want my step son around my baby because he picks his nose, toes, and poop. So I think those are good reasons.

your sd does sound very loving, how long has she been in your life? I have ill feelings towards my ss because of his mom, and he is a lot like her. It's not easy being a step parent.

izza2 · February 2016

You don't want your step-daughter - one you adopted and should love as your own flesh and blood - around your daughter because... she's trying to spend time with her and be a loving sister? Really? Are you serious?

No, it's not normal. When we have a child between us, I hope my SS is as caring toward his new sibling as your step-daughter is toward hers.
I agree with @Bigboobsmcgee - it's not normal, and you should seek therapy so you don't hurt your step-daughter any more than you already are.

midge519 · February 2016

I agree that you need to figure out what you're feeling. Personally I don't like that you continue to call her your step when you've adopted her. She earned and deserves the title of daughter the day you put your name to be her mother. Her actions to your bio baby are completely normal and great sibling actions. Maybe you need some one on one time with your daughter to bond

Bigboobsmcgee · February 2016

Kbchavez23 said:

I don't want my step son around my baby because he picks his nose, toes, and poop. So I think those are good reasons.

your sd does sound very loving, how long has she been in your life? I have ill feelings towards my ss because of his mom, and he is a lot like her. It's not easy being a step parent.

This is terribly sad. Does your husband know you don't like his child? I wouldn't let someone NEAR my child that had ill feelings towards them when they are supposed to love and care for them.

Kbchavez23 · March 2016

Bigboobsmcgee said:

Kbchavez23 said:

I don't want my step son around my baby because he picks his nose, toes, and poop. So I think those are good reasons.

your sd does sound very loving, how long has she been in your life? I have ill feelings towards my ss because of his mom, and he is a lot like her. It's not easy being a step parent.

This is terribly sad. Does your husband know you don't like his child? I wouldn't let someone NEAR my child that had ill feelings towards them when they are supposed to love and care for them.

She doesn't have much of a choice.

jesssaying · March 2016

@vme2012 since everyone else who posted is going to bash you I'm going to tell you that I am the same way when it comes to my DD and my SD's.. I cringe whenever she touches and wants to play with DD... I can't help it. It's been like that since my LO was born. As for people saying you need therapy.. Maybe talking to someone isn't a bad idea. I'm setting up an appointment this week because I have a lot of issues with being a step parent.. One of my biggest problems is my age and I'll admit it. I'm 21 and a mommy to my DD and a step mom to a ten year old girl and a five year old girl... Not exactly the life I pictured but here I am and I have to deal with my actions... I love my fiancé more than anything and we chose to have our LO but being a step parent is one of the most difficult things to do in my opinion. Please don't hesitate to private message me. There are so many factors in being a step mom and were never fully prepared for it. Good luck!

TwizBeans · March 2016

jesssaying said:

@vme2012 since everyone else who posted is going to bash you I'm going to tell you that I am the same way when it comes to my DD and my SD's.. I cringe whenever she touches and wants to play with DD... I can't help it. It's been like that since my LO was born. As for people saying you need therapy.. Maybe talking to someone isn't a bad idea. I'm setting up an appointment this week because I have a lot of issues with being a step parent.. One of my biggest problems is my age and I'll admit it. I'm 21 and a mommy to my DD and a step mom to a ten year old girl and a five year old girl... Not exactly the life I pictured but here I am and I have to deal with my actions... I love my fiancé more than anything and we chose to have our LO but being a step parent is one of the most difficult things to do in my opinion. Please don't hesitate to private message me. There are so many factors in being a step mom and were never fully prepared for it. Good luck!

I don't see any bashing. Please don't fuel a nonexistent fire. People are passionate on this board because posters are coming on here and essentially saying they don't like children that they are supposed to love as their own. That is really sad. That's the honest to god truth.

Try to put yourself in your stepchildren's shoes. They didn't ask for a broken family, or for their stepmom to be a child herself that doesn't like them. Don't you hear how sad that sounds? You are young and yes this isn't the "perfect" situation but you HAVE to suck it up for the children. They are more important than you or your fiancé.

I was 18 when I got together with my now husband he had a 3 year old son. I had to give up a lot so I do understand but I never once took anything out on him and if I had even a second of resentment for him I would have left the relationship. My stepson is now almost 20 and DH and I have a 4 year old and a 17 month old together and I LOVE their relationship with my stepson.

You can't use the excuse that being a stepparent is hard and we weren't "fully prepared for it". When a kid is involved all excuses go out the window.

mothernorth · March 2016

I'm going to address this post in a very open minded fashion. I am not a psychologist, but from what it sounds like, you seem to be experiencing extreme resentment issues already, no maybe to it. It is not at all healthy the way you try to keep SD segregated from LO. They are flesh and blood siblings, children do not have ANY concept of "half siblings", she just wants to love her sister and has just as much right to do so as you do, your DH, or any other member of your family. I'm not going to say that your resentment is completely abnormal, because I can understand to an extent that having a step daughter is not essentially the image of the "perfect family" that some may have, but it is an unhealthy mindset that I wholeheartedly agree with PPS needs to be addressed by a professional. Children are delicate, they learn everything from actions to emotions from the adults raising them, biological parents or not. It may be irritating that she points out certain things and hands LO things she can get on her own, but she is just trying to interact with her baby sister in a way no different than any other loving sibling would. You did assume responsibility of this little girl, so it is completely unfair to punish her emotionally. You also should consider talking to DH about this, as it really could ultimately put strain on your relationship. My SS loves my LO, his baby brother dearly, and acts just as you describe your SD and LO, and I am so grateful for it. They want a bond and emotional stability, it is our duty as (step)parents to ensure they have that. Your baby isn't going to love SD more, and that is irrational thinking. "A mother is God in the eyes of a child". Please be a God deserving of that admiration and set a good example. Get help, do everything you can to put an end to this behavior. It's not SDs fault she isn't your biological child, you adopted her, she needs you to coparent in an accepting manner. LO needs that. The stability of your family needs it.

jesssaying · March 2016

It most definitely did seem like you were bashing her opinion. She doesn't have to love the child as if it were heroism because be real it isn't her own.

crsanchez87 · March 2016

AllyTheKid said:

I'm going to address this post in a very open minded fashion. I am not a psychologist, but from what it sounds like, you seem to be experiencing extreme resentment issues already, no maybe to it. It is not at all healthy the way you try to keep SD segregated from LO. They are flesh and blood siblings, children do not have ANY concept of "half siblings", she just wants to love her sister and has just as much right to do so as you do, your DH, or any other member of your family. I'm not going to say that your resentment is completely abnormal, because I can understand to an extent that having a step daughter is not essentially the image of the "perfect family" that some may have, but it is an unhealthy mindset that I wholeheartedly agree with PPS needs to be addressed by a professional. Children are delicate, they learn everything from actions to emotions from the adults raising them, biological parents or not. It may be irritating that she points out certain things and hands LO things she can get on her own, but she is just trying to interact with her baby sister in a way no different than any other loving sibling would. You did assume responsibility of this little girl, so it is completely unfair to punish her emotionally. You also should consider talking to DH about this, as it really could ultimately put strain on your relationship. My SS loves my LO, his baby brother dearly, and acts just as you describe your SD and LO, and I am so grateful for it. They want a bond and emotional stability, it is our duty as (step)parents to ensure they have that. Your baby isn't going to love SD more, and that is irrational thinking. "A mother is God in the eyes of a child". Please be a God deserving of that admiration and set a good example. Get help, do everything you can to put an end to this behavior. It's not SDs fault she isn't your biological child, you adopted her, she needs you to coparent in an accepting manner. LO needs that. The stability of your family needs it.

All of this. Spot on PP.

TwizBeans · March 2016

jesssaying said:

It most definitely did seem like you were bashing her opinion. She doesn't have to love the child as if it were heroism because be real it isn't her own.

That's terribly sad for the child. You are very young and have a lot of responsibility but I hope for the sake of your children (yes, you do have more than one), you can grow up very quickly.

mommav83 · March 2016

As a mom of one from a previous marriage and now another I hope that my ds never has a step mom who is so cold. My ds is amazing with our dd and while he is her half brother we don't say it that way. He is my son and she is my daughter. My DH is more than happy letting my ds be an active participant with dd. And he adores her. I wouldn't have it any other way. Shame on you for not treating that little girl with the love and openness she deserves and is clearly showing. Shame on you for adopting her but not bothering to love her. I sincerely hope you seek a counselor to learn how to be a better mother to her and you are her mom, you adopted that girl, you became her mother.

TwizBeans · March 2016

mommav83 said:

As a mom of one from a previous marriage and now another I hope that my ds never has a step mom who is so cold. My ds is amazing with our dd and while he is her half brother we don't say it that way. He is my son and she is my daughter. My DH is more than happy letting my ds be an active participant with dd. And he adores her. I wouldn't have it any other way. Shame on you for not treating that little girl with the love and openness she deserves and is clearly showing. Shame on you for adopting her but not bothering to love her. I sincerely hope you seek a counselor to learn how to be a better mother to her and you are her mom, you adopted that girl, you became her mother.

Same with my family. My SS is only known as "brother" to his half siblings. We are one big family.

izza2 · March 2016

jesssaying said:

It most definitely did seem like you were bashing her opinion. She doesn't have to love the child as if it were heroism because be real it isn't her own.

You're incredibly naive and immature. When you marry a parent - or get in a relationship with a parent - you don't get in a relationship with just them, you enter in a relationship with their child(ren). Just like you enter in to a relationship with their family. If you can't get over the fact that they have kids that were popped out of another woman -- then you have a lot of self-issues, and you really should not be forcing those children to experience your resentment.

I was 19 when I met my husband. He had a 3 (almost 4) year old from another relationship who visited on weekends. I honestly did not think I would ever want kids; since I was a young teen the thought of having kids didn't appeal to me.
And then I met his son, and we started bonding, because I love his father, and regardless of what vagina he came out of, he is his father's son. I don't care who is bio mother is -- we may not share blood and genetics, but he is damn sure my kid. Through the years, he's learned my mannerisms, and he's taken on some of my quirks.
When my husband and I start having kids of our own -- they won't be his "half-siblings". They'll be his siblings. Just like my parents are his grandparents. My siblings are his aunts and uncles. My nieces and nephews are his cousins.

My family is his family. Whether he shares blood with them or not. And, to see that people would gladly enter a relationship where they KNOW that the partner has kids, but doesn't want anything to do with them for whatever effed-up reason you can come up with? It's heartbreaking, and really makes me sad for the children involved. Do you not think the kids can sense that resentment and hatred toward them? Do you not think they can tell that you don't love them (at all, or) as much as your bio-child?

They didn't choose you as a step-mother. You chose to be their step-mother. If you didn't want to treat them like your own child, then you shouldn't have gotten involved with their father.
End of freaking story.

Andplusalso; yeah, she does need to love the kid like her own. She freaking ADOPTED the child. If she didn't love the kid like her own flesh and blood and wasn't planning to treat her as such - then she never should have adopted the child. Whether the bio-mother was present in her life or not.

Good God, I would LOVE to adopt my step son. If I didn't know it would hurt him in the end, I would pray that his bio-mother would stop visitations and sign off all rights so that I could do so. However, as a step-parent, I want what's best for my son.

Some of the people here really need to get their heads out of their asses.

blended10 · March 2016

ALL of this ^^^
Also sometimes it helps to remember your relationship with your own siblings- imperfect, complex- completely separate of your parents. When my bio kids & step kids interact, or just my step kids or just my bio I realize it has NOTHING to do with me. Unless someone is in physical or emotional danger I don't get involved. BC I fought with my bio sibs, we played our own silly games that drove my mom nuts, we were best friends & enemies & that's all normal stuff kids should experience. Please, all the step mamas realize you need to be the ADULT & see the big picture. Or do these kids a favor & step out.

tam22300 · September 2022

I don't know if you still look at this but I am in a similar situation now...can you tell me how you dealt with it?

knottief62627724e40ad1e · October 2024

Just curious how things turned out for you after you posted this? Currently struggling with my 15 year old stepdaughter. We moved in 2 years ago and I now have a 18month old daughter. Problem is my stepdaughter has ADHD and was super problematic and made my pregnancy journey hell. It’s been a year since we’ve done therapy but she doesn’t put from her part and I just can’t stand the girl anymore. Not sure what else to do but we’ve tried everything to make it work with my partner and I just want to focus on raising my daughter properly because she’s a bad example

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