Mental Health Check-in January 2022

optimistgardener · January 2022

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/on/2ddxelgpzcje.jpeg

This is a safe place for more detailed support in mental health, struggles, and successes.

U.S: National Suicide Prevention : 1-800-273-TALK [8255]

Chat option: https://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

Link to Canadian Resources: https://suicideprevention.ca/need-help/

This is a safe space for discussing your mental health. Whereas general stress and issues are often discussed in Rants/Raves of the Dailies, this place is for a more focused discussion of the impact of mental health. Members are encouraged to use thoughtfulness and depth to examine feelings, barriers, and useful supports.

This post can be replied to at any time during the month. Not limited to those with a mental health diagnosis, but please be sensitive to others. We will attempt to be as flame-free as possible!

Feel free to share, vent, or support other members on this thread. Share a picture/gif that expresses how you feel or provides some comfort.

If you need help getting started, consider filling out the form below:

Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?:

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA):

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)

How are you feeling?

stephers620 · January 2022

Very poor struggling with entire process and not helping when people are mean when you’re honestly just trying to navigate everything when trying for your first child. Worried there’s something wrong with us and frustrated my doctor won’t help me look into anything until I’ve been trying for a year. My doctor keeps saying everything is fine despite some red flags that have come up this month and last.To add to it all finding this forum not very welcoming and people are continually making fun of people not what anyone needs when ttc .

bows22 · January 2022

scunliffe said:

Very poor struggling with entire process and not helping when people are mean when you’re honestly just trying to navigate everything when trying for your first child. Worried there’s something wrong with us and frustrated my doctor won’t help me look into anything until I’ve been trying for a year. My doctor keeps saying everything is fine despite some red flags that have come up this month and last.To add to it all finding this forum not very welcoming and people are continually making fun of people not what anyone needs when ttc .

acleverusername · January 2022

@scunliffe oh ffs are you for real? Argh. You want us to be nice to you, READ THE RULES OF THE COMMUNITY which is what everyone else who is here have done before first posting. What makes you so special?

abjm0325 · January 2022

@scunliffe No one here is making fun of you. We just get tired of people not reading the rules. Also, you do know that the same exact set of people are reading all of your posts on the TTGP boards right? So you're complaining about us to us, which isn't super nice either. We would be happy to have you join us if you want to stay and contribute to the community, but if you don't like the vibe here you don't have to stay.

keikilove · January 2022

Sorry to change the topic but I’m just gonna vent via pics this morning.🤪

acleverusername · January 2022

@keikilove I'm not sorry you're changing the subject. Excellent photo.

keikilove · January 2022

I’m gonna utilize this thread today instead of continuing to dump my stress into the IF thread. Just a vent session for me to take some weight off my mind.

Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: No diagnosis, just lots of unrelenting stress lately. Which probably has a diagnosis of its own, such as situational stress disorder…or chronic stress.

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): Benched

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) Just having a rough week almost every week for the last half-year or so? As I said, abnormally large amounts of stress. No depression, just some depressing days when one lemon after another is being thrown our way. 🍋We’ve been pummeled by lemons.🍋

MH & I finally signed up for some couples counseling to work through some of the stuff that came up throughout his cancer treatment…that counseling got pushed waaaaay back due to the therapist getting sick, so we are still waiting to get started. For the past year or so I’ve been supporting a family member and two very close friends through their own mental health journeys or heavy life challenges, and it’s taking a toll on me recently. (No pity necessary here, I swear. I’m just getting it off my chest and giving it some space. Holding it in is not serving me anymore.)

Some of you know I have a huge family with many nieces and nephews of all ages. A few weeks ago I was on suicide watch for several nights in a row for one of the older young adults. That person finally met with a therapist who helped tremendously—thank you, Jesus!—and I was able to start getting some sleep. This week another one of the young adults in the family had a full-on mental breakdown. They had to be put on suicide watch and then pulled out of college. All the younger teenagers in the family have started therapy recently. This is happening in the homes of all of my siblings who have older children, despite the fact that all of my siblings are excellent parents. These kids are having existential crises—they are not ok during this pandemic.😢 It is so sad. However, I’m glad that therapy and medication are both being normalized at this time in history and for this younger generation. It’s definitely too much for one parent or one nuclear family unit to handle on their own at times.

How are you feeling? Today is better than all the other days this week. It was an insane week and I only lurked on this board. COVID is ripping through our state (like almost everywhere else) and some of the adults I support professionally at work are not handling the unknowns very well. There is a lot of fear of getting sick as well as fear of not having a clear agreed-upon plan for what happens if this all gets worse. It’s a really hard time for everyone, especially those who are really uncomfortable with ambiguity.

I’ve been trying to exercise to manage my own stress levels. That works wonders when I actually get up and do it. I was super exhausted this week and couldn’t get up from the couch for 3 days straight after work. But I did get in some great exercise yesterday and a lot of walking today. So things are getting better…

How are you all doing? Does anyone else need to/want to unload here? We barely use this thread anymore in recent months, but it’s always here when we need it.

optimistgardener · January 2022

@keikilove 💙

optimistgardener · January 2022

@keikilove i really appreciate all that you wrote. i think sometimes when we just carry it around with us it feels like, ok yeah, i'm a bit stressed out there's some stuff going on in my life right now. but when you actually sit down and lay it on the table it's like, whoa. that's a lot a lot.

i'm glad that the board is here to offer some support for you but i also hope you've got the support you need off-board. i can't imagine how it must feel trying to balance what's going on with yh alongside all of the crises your friends have been going through and your trying to offer them the support they need.

my situ isn't the same but yesterday when i was in my appointment for my pap smear the doc started asking me about how everything else in my life was going (I guess kind of taking the "whole woman care" approach to the annual pap), and she started out like "ok so i see you're doing your embryo transfer and i can imagine that might be a lot of stress for you right now. how are you handling it?" and so we chatted about that for a sec and then she was like, is there anything else going on? how about work?" and so we started talking about that and how crazy it is trying to teach in person when half my students are out with covid and i don't have the resources i need to try to keep them in the loop. and then it just sort of kept on unrolling and by the end i was listening to myself like, omg my life is ridiculous rn. frankly the doctor looked genuinely worried about me. but i kept trying to reassure her that it is fine and i'm handling it all fine. and she kept replying "ok but that's still a lot!" the person in the room who was just there to type up notes kept looking at me with her fingers poised over the keyboard like, "what else are you gonna throw at me now, huh?"

It doesn't help that everyone in the world is seemingly going through some form of lemon pummeling right now (I had to lol at your phrasing!). Literally while I was in the clinic yesterday the IVF nurse had to go home with covid, and they tell me several other members of the team are also out sick. i've been so worried about my getting sick i hadn't thought to worry about the clinic team itself. it's just a ridiculous time right now that any of us are expecting anything to continue as normal.

Anyway sending a hug. Which isn't enough. but a start.

keikilove · January 2022

@optimistgardener Sending hugs and love right back at ya.💗 Thank you for your concern about whether I have support off-board. I’ve started to get some. While everyone in my family thinks I’m superwoman and can handle anything, I think that the recent spate of mental health issues in the kids across all of the extended family has caused everyone to wake up and realize how hard all of this is. So, we are all supporting each other and exchanging info on which therapists are taking new patients, what their areas of expertise are, etc. I was actually able to get myself lined up with someone so that I have some individual talk therapy support. We are working on MH to agree to do the same for himself, and then he and I will eventually do the marriage counseling together. So, we are trying to cover our bases in self-care while we do our best to support our other family members and friends too. Thank you for asking. It’s an excellent point.

When I was reading your description of your convo with the doc, I was nodding my head like, “Yep, that is a lot!” You’re so right that we act like it’s normal to operate with these heightened levels of stress when, if you really think about it and lay it all out there, this isn’t normal at all! I laughed at you saying that the person taking notes had their fingers posed in the air, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it sounds like your doctor did a really good job with that appointment. Far beyond the regular ol’ Pap smear appointment!

I really relate to what you wrote about not being able to fully meet the needs of your students who are out sick. That is a feeling so uncomfortable for educators, since meeting their needs is what drives us to do this work. I think that’s another part of the overall stress at my work: the teachers are struggling with that feeling of not being able to service the kids who aren’t present.

Geez, that is scary that the IVF nurse had to leave the office while you were there. It hasn’t crossed my mind to worry that anyone on the IVF team might be out sick! But of course it makes sense. We are all just doing the best we can to ride out this wave of craziness. I’m praying that all stays on track for you and your upcoming treatment.🙏🏽

acleverusername · January 2022

@keikilove I really appreciate your bringing attention to how the young adults are struggling. AT that age, they are still developing and the last 2 years HAVE been brutal to them especially. In times like this, I selfishly feel lucky that we don't yet have children. Having no family nearby, I don't know how we'd have fared these past 2 years. I am _so_ happy to hear that you've got someone lined up for talk therapy. I didn't realize how useful that is until recently...

@optimistgardener I'm going to flip your question to Keiki and ask: are you getting some kind of support? If not, I really do highly recommend it. I too have the "I can handle it, it's not a big deal" complex but having started talk therapy recently, it really is quite wonderful.

optimistgardener · January 2022

@acleverusername i haven't... for the i guess silly-sounding reason that i am not sure how i could possibly cram another thing into my schedule. but i should! it would be nice if there was like some kind of service that stepped in when people's lives were ridiculously busy and just organized this kind of thing for you!

fantasyflyte · January 2022

I have complicated feels these next couple weeks, but they revolve around someone else's pregnancy so I'm going to spoiler.

My sister is scheduled for a c section a week from tomorrow. Naturally everyone is excited and nervous. I'm wrestling with being excited, but also sad. My sister has been very conscientious of my feelings throughout her pregnancy, which I appreciate a lot, but I also feel like I missed out on a lot of conversations and such that I'd have been included in had I not been wrestling with my own feelings. I feel bad that she's had to look out for my feelings during her special time, but I also DO feel sad hearing some of the stuff. I'm pissed as hell at the universe that life has happened in a way that made me unable to fully enjoy things like her gender reveal and baby shower because I was upset it wasn't me. I feel like she's living the life I always thought I'd be living myself.
I've also been dealing with covid and insurance so the timing is such that next Sunday I have an ultrasound to monitor my follicles on letrozole, Monday my sistwr gives birth, and a week-ish after that I have an IUI (IF insurance gets the prior auth in). Like I said, I have complicated feels that I'm not even sure how I feel. Oh and classes start Wednesday so there's that too.

optimistgardener · January 2022

@fantasyflye i totally feel you.

I've been getting bombarded of late with photos of friends' babies. a friend of mine with whom i shared a meaningful conversation right around the time i first began realizing that getting pregnant wouldn't be as easy as i had hoped (way back in early 2019, bwaahahahahaa)... she had used the word "infertility" in describing her own struggles to get pregnant and I had this lightbulb moment of my own like, wait, that's a word I could use for myself and what i've been dealing with.... it was weirdly empowering. anyway the friend then got pregnant a few months later, and her kid just turned 2 today. at this kid's birthday were also the kids of several other friends of mine (all from the same grad student group), all of whom were conceived and came into the world in the time i've been trying. anyway, i wasn't there for the party because i live in another state now, but i'm in the friend chat group and they've been sharing photos of the party and it makes me

. i'm glad for them, and especially my friend who struggled with IF and introduced me to the word. and i'm also glad for the others, some of whom i encouraged to go for it and get pregnant! regardless of whatever other priorities were also crowding their lives. but it still sucks.
Anyway, that was a lot of my own stuff but the long and short of it is I don't know if there is any straightforward way to be with this whole issue of OPB (other ppl's babies - I want this to become a shorthand here). Yr sis knows that you're there for her and also that it's complicated for you. Those are good things. You'll find a way through.

fantasyflyte · January 2022

Still dealing with tumultuous feelings so venting here, other pregnancy tw.

My sister is scheduled to give birth Monday and I don't even get to see her beforehand because my husband has not felt well this week and we're not risking getting her sick even though he's testing negative, because he could have a cold or flu and that would be bad for her to catch just in time for a c section too.

And on top of that I had to cancel my monitoring ultrasound because the preauth isn't in yet. Still going to test with OPKs starting Sunday and keep everything crossed that the preauth comes thru in time to actually do the IUI. We'll still try naturally if we cant do the IUI, at least I won't be knocked down by covid right before O like last cycle. But it feels like we keep getting kicked when we're down.

Also I've had a mostly-low-level migraine for 12 straight days and I can't do anything about it because the usual meds aren't working and I can't do any others because TTC.

I just feel exhausted and overwhelmed. And had to put on a happy face this afternoon to work somehow, and I don't even have homework yet that I can distract myself with.

keikilove · January 2022

@fantasyflyte I’m so sorry. That all sounds awful. Sending you huge internet hugs. Just curious, could the migraine be from the Letrozole you mentioned elsewhere?

anniemarie887 · January 2022

Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: No diagnosis, but I will spoiler what’s going on re our loss below. Want to bring myself back to the group bc you all are lovely ladies, and I appreciate the support and this seems like the best spot to be right now.

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): Benched

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) Well, I’ve hit my breaking point. I’ve got an intake form submitted with a therapist and they said to give it 1-2 weeks. I’m not exactly sure how to reintroduce myself, but typing this all out feels cathartic.

How are you feeling? Not well. TW for loss in spoiler, it’s long, thanks for allowing me this space to share.

Last Thursday MH and I went to what was supposed to be our first sono for the baby. My OB is located in a physicians building attached to the hospital. When we got there the front desk staff notified us that due to rising covid MH could no longer come in, that they have to follow hospital policy. We figured he was there, paid for parking, took off, may as well have him wait out in the weird elevator/hallway space where a few other partners were. I get called back to the sono quickly, she starts chatting and grabbing measurements. I remember what this was like from our daughter. She doesn’t point anything out, doesn’t go over the heartbeat and I start to get nervous. She says she needs to get my OB, but thinks she has the images she needs, but also for me not to move or wipe the gel off yet. She leaves and I burst into tears, I start texting my husband “I think something is wrong” and that she didn’t show me a heartbeat. He’s trying to calm me down. One of the MFM OBs comes in and explains that the measurement are a week behind and there is no heartbeat. Cue sobbing. I get dressed, and my actual OB wants to see me. I walk in her office and she says how sorry she is and even shittier it is because I’m alone, I tell her no one told us before today about the updated policy and that he was out in the hallway area. She doesn’t even pause and goes “wait, so he’s here? I’m going to get him, sit tight”. I’ve always loved my OBGYN, but after this nightmare she is an actual saint. She broke hospital policy that way we didn’t have to go over my options and next steps alone. She is truly a great dr, normally a fast talking no bs woman, and between this and my CP in Sept I saw a whole new compassionate side of her. I wound up electing to have a d&c, she was able to do it first surgery this morning. Every staff member, nurse and the anesthesiologist in addition to my OB were so caring and I cried basically the entire time. I’m home now, resting. It should take about 3 week for the chromosomal results to come to come back, and that coincides with when my OB wants a follow up. And then depending on that we’ll see if we need to look into anything else regarding our health.

optimistgardener · January 2022

@anniemarie887 damn i am so so sorry to see you back here. big hug

tessiesmom26 · January 2022

@anniemarie887 First of all, I am so very sorry to see you back here, but glad that you are looking for support and also that you seek support from this amazing group. My story from July is almost identical to yours, so if you want someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to reach out. Going to put my experience in spoilers, but sharing so you can see.

We went in for the 8 wk US and the girl did a ton of photos, but I also didn't get to hear a heartbeat or see the screen. She then told us that we were good to leave and DH could tell something was wrong. We asked for her to share information and she did not. We finally heard back from the OBs office THE NEXT DAY and got the same news, that there was no heartbeat and the gestational sac was measuring a week or two behind. The MW told me that they should have had someone from radiology come and talk to us, not just send us away, but it was clearly too late at that point. My D&C was about a week later and we also did the chromosomal results to see if we needed to get more testing done. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this, but you are not alone and I am here if you want to talk.

acleverusername · January 2022

@anniemarie887 I am crushed for you; I am so sorry that you had to endure that without the support of YH by your side, but yes, your OB does indeed sounds like a saint. I'm also v. glad to see that you are getting genetic tests done. We welcome you with open arms, even though we're never happy to see you return.

keikilove · January 2022

@anniemarie887 I am so so sorry for the whole experience you’ve just been through. These surprises are some of the absolute worst things a person can go through. Thank goodness your doctor showed such compassion. We are here for you whether it’s in this thread or the TTCAL thread. I’m glad you will be able to see a therapist soon to work through the trauma you’re experiencing. Sending big warm hugs.💗

abjm0325 · January 2022

@anniemarie887 I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could say to make this better, but I know it is just awful. Sending you lots of love and hugs right now.

anniemarie887 · January 2022

@optimistgardener @tessiesmom26 @acleverusername @keikilove and @abjm0325

Thank you so much for the kind words, I hate that we all find ourselves here but I’m glad it also exists. What a strange combination of emotions, you know.

@tessiesmom26 I’m so sorry for the near identical situation, and that yours was prolonged like that. Absolutely cruel.

fantasyflyte · January 2022

@anniemarie887 I'm so sorry. I'm glad your doctor is awesome but I'm so sorry to see you back here.

anniemarie887 · January 2022

Thank you @fantasyflyte

bows22 · January 2022

Oh @anniemarie887 I’m crying reading your story. I’m so, so sorry for your loss ❤️

anniemarie887 · January 2022

Oh @bows22 I never intended to make anyone else cry, thank you for caring so much.

Paturkey · January 2022

@anniemarie887 I am so so sorry for your loss and I'm sending you a huge hug. Take good care of yourself and we are always here for you when you need to talk.

ejoseph16 · January 2022

@anniemarie887 omg your experience is horrible! I’m so sorry you are going through this! I am straight up applauding your OBGYN right now. She’s the true hero of this whole thing. My OBGYN was amazing through my loss as well, stick with her! Great, caring OBGYN’s can be tough to find. Take care of yourself, and rejoin us when you’re ready. ❤️

bumblebee0210 · January 2022

@annmarie887 *lurking*

I'm so sorry-- I have had that same experience twice, once during COVID without MH as well, and it is just awful. The only advice I have is to really just give yourself a ton of grace and time to heal, physically and emotionally. Also, be aware that you might feel totally "over it" one day and then be incredibly sad the next, and that's all a totally normal part of the grieving process. Some people feel very impatient to be pregnant again, and others need some time before trying feels right at all. TTCAL here was really helpful to me when I was going through this, and I hope you find support here.

I imagine you are perfectly healthy and will go on to conceive a healthy pregnancy, but if you want to chat at any point about the tests, etc. and what doctors can do for patients who miscarry, always feel free to PM me. (Or @ me-- I'm always lurking!) But for now, just rest on the couch and watch netflix and let yourself be taken care of.

anniemarie887 · January 2022

@Paturkey and @ejoseph16 thank you

I’m rereading these this morning and just sitting here teary eyed and in awe of all of you. Thank you for lifting me up.

@bumblebee0210 I’m so sorry that you’ve been though this, and thank you for sharing and offering support. I feel just a bit numb and I imagine until we get genetics back it’ll be a bit of that. Almost like denial.

ETA: I just checked my email, and have my first therapy appoint on 2/3. So appreciative of how quickly they could do this. I typically WFH on Thursdays, so it’s a good fit for my schedule as well.

kiki047 · January 2022

Oh @anniemarie887, I am so very sorry to see you back here, and with such a heartbreaking story too. Sending you a great big internet stranger hug, and an extra one for your wonderful OB who really went above and beyond for you. I second that TTCAL was a safe space for me after my losses, and I thank you for sharing with us here as well.

I have a lot that is weighing heavily on my heart today as well.

Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: I have a history of depression and general anxiety disorder, but I'm here today because I just need somewhere to unload some of the grief I've been carrying this week.

*TW* Death of a loved one

One of my Mom's closest friends passed away on Friday, which was unexpected in the sense that because of Covid we hadn't seen them in over 2 years, but we have now come to understand that he has been on a slow and steady decline due to underlying illnesses that his body just gave out on him. My Dad has cried no less than 5 times today whenever he talks about it and it's breaking my heart over and over to see him so sad. He lost his own best friend about 10 years ago to another debilitating disease so I think this is bringing up a lot of that past trauma for him. My "Uncle" was only 6 weeks older than my Dad, and he keeps talking about losing his contemporaries.

On top of that, our friend MVT is burying her husband today and I would give anything to be there to support her through it.

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): TWW (7dp5dt)

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) My wonderful, thoughtful counsellor made time for me over the weekend to fit me into her schedule after being off for 3 weeks due to Covid, and that really helped put my mind a little more at ease with some of the other pressures I've been feeling as we face this TWW.

How are you feeling? Honestly, my stupid BFN yesterday was pretty shocking because I let myself believe this might actually work. So I have a lot of mixed feelings, mostly to do with my resentment towards my body and its apparent refusal to work properly. I've never had a great relationship with my body/body image but dealing with IF is a completely different beast and I don't know how to reconcile that resentment with the acceptance that I'm doing my best and this isn't "my" fault. If I can't take accountability for my own body, who will? I know it's not healthy to carry around this anger but I don't have an outlet to direct it anywhere constructive so it's all just simmering as I internalize it all.

keikilove · January 2022

@kiki047 Oh my goodness, you are carrying a very heavy load.

I am so sorry for the loss of your family friend. That has to be just heartbreaking to see what your parents are going through. I can't imagine how your dad must be feeling right now, and how scary that must be to realize one is losing their "contemporaries".

My heart is with you on the sadness over MVT and not being able to be there to comfort her.

I am so sorry for the weight you are also carrying regarding everything you wrote about this IF battle and the impact it's having on your relationship with your body. You are a warrior, but even warriors get tired sometimes. I'm sending you so much love and tight hugs as you try to get through this rough time.

anniemarie887 · January 2022

@kiki047 thank you so much, and I’m sorry for you as well. Big internet hug right back at you.

acleverusername · January 2022

@kiki047 I have so many feels about your update.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/oc/xg5sqa58s9i9.gif

I am so happy you got to talk to your therapist this weekend. Therapists are angels.

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