Benched/TTA w/o 8/16 (starting this one a few days late!)

optimistgardener · August 2021

This is a thread that has been resurrected once or twice here in my time but often falls by the wayside. Let's see if it gets any traction this time! Also sorry for posting so late in the week... Maybe if it garners any interest we can slop this one over into next week.

***General TW that this thread can and will mention MC and loss.*** This is a place for those of us who have already started TTC, but have hit a roadblock and are delaying for whatever reason. You can express your thoughts, feelings, and frustrations on not TTC and connect with others who are in the same boat. TTC can be a long journey, and having to wait makes it feel even longer -- even if it is for a good reason. I invite you to resurrect this thread at any point in the week if you have something to say. Treat this like an ongoing conversation.

Benched = involuntarily not NTNP/TTC and "out of the game," usually due to medical reasons.

TTA = avoiding pregnancy by using protection or FAM, usually for non-health-related reasons. __________________________________________________________________

Are you benched or TTA?
What brings you here?
How long do you think you'll be here?
How have things been going?
Any R/R/CS/Q?
GTKY: Favorite pizza toppings. Name them. (And if you don't like pizza, explain yourself!)

optimistgardener · August 2021

Are you benched or TTA? Benched.
What brings you here? I'm waiting for some idea about next steps after my failed IVF cycle.
How long do you think you'll be here? It could be a while. I've got an appointment on Tuesday next week to talk with my RE about the abnormal embryo results I got from my last cycle, but depending on what he says I could be benched till November, or possibly looking at a more permanent benching.
How have things been going? Sh**ty! Not to be a total downer, but the smoke, the bad covid spike in my region, and general late-summer panic as I try to get my teaching materials in order has me pretty stressed out!
Any R/R/CS/Q? Not really. I was going to get into a TMI thing about my withdrawal bleed but in light of my GTKY question, I think I'll abstain, haha.
GTKY: Favorite pizza toppings. Name them. (And if you don't like pizza, explain yourself!) I like the salty/savory end of the spectrum, so things like green olives, garlic, chili flakes. Maybe with some roasted red peppers and arugula?

jhysmath · August 2021

Are you benched or TTA? Tta
What brings you here? My husband doesn't want the edd that we would have never cycle. The next couple cycles we'd have to discuss if we're moving out not like planned, because if we are we won't have health insurance and having babies is expensive without insurance.
How long do you think you'll be here? 1-3 cycles
How have things been going? CD 1 was today was tough. Headed back to school next week is going to be tough too. I'm hoping to find the time to make new friends now that it's out second year in the town and district and get myself to the gym and maybe lose some weight to help the ttc process once we decide when we can start up again.
Any R/R/CS/Q?
GTKY: Favorite pizza toppings. Name them. (And if you don't like pizza, explain yourself! Classic pepperoni is my go to because my husband is picky. A local brewery does one I love and because they're 1 person pizzas I always get to get it, it's pesto, goat cheese, cherry tomatoes, and then arguala and balsamic glaze. It's so freaking good.

@optimistgardener I'm sorry your benched, but I'll be hanging out with you here for a bit. (do we still post on the WTO and tww dailies?)

optimistgardener · August 2021

hey there @jhysmath! sorry to find you on the bench with me but i'm selfishly glad for a little company. to answer your question of whether you still post in the WTO/TWW dailies, i think that's to some extent up to you... if it feels right to post there, then you probably should! i rarely post in the dailies (except as a lurker) since i've been on an epic IVF odyssey for some months now and when I haven't been actively in a retrieval cycle i've mostly been on birth control. but folks don't seem to mind my leaping in to join in conversation from lurk mode.

so sorry your cd1 was rough. i can sympathize. i'm sure it must feel especially tough knowing that you're out of the game for a while. i'm doubly sorry that you're having to do period math in order to try to figure out how you'll make sure you've got good health coverage with a move planned. it should be so much simpler!

What years do you teach? I am in awe of math teachers since you guys are up against so many built up social things kids have about being "bad" at math or about math being "hard" or "confusing" or "boring" or whatever else. I had some great math teachers in my day and I still remember them with gratitude (or shame, depending on how hazy my recollection is of the basics are when I need them!).

I'm a teacher as well, although I teach university students. I'm presently trying to patch together some lecture notes to get me through the first few weeks of term, and am quietly panicking because it seems likely we may move to online teaching (covid is bad in our area)... I didn't teach last year, and so I never learned the tricks to online teaching that everyone else learned last year.

your personal pizza toppings sound awesome! i would totally order that pizza.

jhysmath · August 2021

@optimistgardener I'm sorry you're benched too, and not benched because of choice is even harder. I teach high school math. We live in a very rural area and I've taught everything from life skills math to calculus. I usually teach 2-3 dual enrollment courses so my students get college credit. When we move there a community College near by and I'm thinking about seeing if I can teach a class or two there because I feel like I'd love to teach students who actually care that they pass. The district in in now, I swear the kids do more math calculating how little they can do and still pass instead of just doing the work.

Online teaching isn't as bad as long as you have the right tools. The first spring was awful. We had no tools and I was trying to balance my phone as a second zoom so students could see the work I was explaining. Fireman math equations is a bit difficult and time consuming for power points. This part year we were given Wacom drawing tablets and it was so much easier. My cooperating teacher from the college was impressed age asked what technology I was using so he could tell others what was working.

What do you teach if you don't mind me asking? And also what type of gardening do you enjoy? I created some perennial beds at our summer/forever home this summer and can't wait until we move there so I can have a "real" garden and plant in the spring. I think I got 5 tomatoes and 2 cucumbers before we left this year because I can't plant until late June.

mamanbebe · August 2021

@optimistgardener I am so sorry that you are in this limbo. I've been following your progress in IF and I was so saddened to see how things turned out after all that waiting and stress.
@jhysmath I am also sorry that you are experiencing the uncertainty of when your H will be on-board and if life is going to allow it to happen due to insurance and such.

Are you benched or TTA? TTA

What brings you here? H doesn't want to proceed with TTC atm. It's complicated and emotional for me. I'm feeling depressed. I know he is stressed about other things, so I am hoping we can reconvene this conversation in a month or two.

How long do you think you'll be here? I can imagine it may be a few months.

How have things been going? I am really depressed. This was something that we both wanted a lot for a while, but we waited due to numerous economical reasons. Then we hit the rocks because of situational reasons last year. And then when we came out of that, there was a lot of indecision on his part. I put the pressure on and he reluctantly agreed to very loosely try, without much effort, and now we are currently in a place where he says he does not want to try for child right now. But I suppose if I never pressed it again, he'd be fine. So I don't know if this will ever end in my favor.

Any R/R/CS/Q? I should be experiencing O pain right now, but it's nil. I think the stress is getting to my body.

GTKY: Favorite pizza toppings. Name them. (And if you don't like pizza, explain yourself!) I love all sorts of toppings. There is a pizza from a local farm that has peas and bacon that I really like. But I also love any pizza with pineapple and cured meat because the balance of saltiness and juicy sweet is really good.

optimistgardener · August 2021

@mamanbebe that really sucks that you and your partner are at an impasse on TTC. i can only imagine that must be really trying. this is way beyond my realm of expertise, but it seems like a discussion that you and your H will have to figure out how to return to. He may be fine with never talking about it again, but if it's something that matters to you (which it seems like it very much does), then you deserve his fully engaging in that conversation with you. I'm sorry!

@jhysmath I hope you're able to land that cc job where (hopefully) the students care a little more about the material! I know how frustrating it can be to teach to students who are giving off hardcore "i don't give a sh**" vibes. i teach history, and for the first time am based in a small regional university in my home town after a number of years teaching as a grad student and for a couple of years post-grad at universities in the bay area. i am super excited to be back with students again, since it's been a couple of years.

As for gardening: that's a late planting season... are you thinking at all about trying to set up cold weather planting arrangements? i've seen some cool designs using old windows or similar to make winterized arrangements for greens, especially. what kinds of perennials did you plant? i am an ambitious but still learning gardener, making full use of all the soil i have access to now that i no longer live in a tiny studio in the bay. my garden this year has been a bit of a mixed bag, since we've had a pretty awful drought and with it, a weird mixture of garden plagues (earwigs and squirrels). but my tomatoes are finally coming on, and the peppers seem like they always do well here. i thought the earwigs had killed my basil but it's having a late renaissance, so i i better get on the pesto-making. tomatillos are arriving. i had a gopher situ with my squash, but hopefully i'll get a few still. my onions and my garlic were both glorious this year. i'm hyped about doing garlic again next year, especially since it seems no animals are interested in eating it. my leafy greens and early root veg (beets, carrots) really suffered. all my lettuce, carrots, and beets were basically devoured, and then the kale and chard were made into lace by the earwigs. argh.

jhysmath · August 2021

@mamanbebe is got to be really hard not being in the same page. My husband just doesn't want a specific month range and that's tough.

@optimistgardener we're only at our forever home during the summer, Thanksgiving, and usually winter break. It's about a 10 hour drive. Both places I live have brutal winters, and the apartment I live in, is in an old mill building with no green space. I do keep a hydroponic aerogarden in my classroom, and I'm about to plant some tomatoes and peppers in it which should be ready come winter which will be a nice taste of sunshine when everything is dark and gloomy.

Pesto is my favorite thing to freeze for bits of sunshine come winter. And garlic is something I look forward to be able to plant. I love that you can plant it in the fall when things start settling down.

Our forever home is on 100 acres, so I spend a lot of time learning right now watching and reading everything I can about homesteading and gardening. My husband doesn't really support my homesteading dreams, but he does build me raised beds and helps me aquire large amounts of dirt.

Also, history was never one of my favorite subjects in school. I can imagine that can be a difficult course to teach even at the college level. Since being out of school though, I love history. Historical fiction is my favorite to read, and I love history dramas. I feel I learn so much from them especially because I always go look up what actually happened after watching them.

optimistgardener · August 2021

@jhysmath wonderful that you have so much acreage! I recently moved back to the family property which is not quite as big as your place but is probably ~60 acres. when i was a kid we raised actual animals on the land but these days it's a handful of smaller things, leasing a few acres to other farmers who grow crops and keep bees, and maintaining the rest of it basically as a wildlife refuge of sorts. i only actually garden about a half acre but to go from having a few houseplants to keeping track of a big garden has been a learning curve!

I love history so I love teaching it, too. Mostly I just love getting to be like, "the world is not what you think it is... your assumptions about the past and and what it means to be a modern human are about to be shaken to their very core! *maniacal laughter*" The tough part though is that in order to blow their minds with new ways to think about the past, I have to force them to actually read. And the uptake on reading assignments is always lower than preferred.

Feelings related to being benched: After I learned my embryos were abnormal last week i took out the nuvaring I'd been using in prep for the hoped-for embryo transfer. now i'm heading in to my first natural cycle in months and months and months, and I have a lot of feelings about sitting it out. My usual anxiety about "wasting" an ovulation is complicated by a sense of resignation that my eggs are apparently so crappy anyway that it doesn't even really matter.

kiki047 · August 2021

*lurking*
@optimistgardener oooof friend, you hit the nail on the head on your feelings on "wasting" an ovulation while un-willingly benched. I feel much the same way, because when we're not actively cycling or pursuing treatments we might as well be on the bench. It's hard to feel like you're being held behind while others still have the opportunity to move on... (edited to add)... while also mourning the passing of another cycle, thereby wasting said ovulation. It's a nuanced layer of grief that hits differently when you're also battling infertility, knowing you have a finite number of tries left to make something work.

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Benched/TTA w/o 8/16 (starting this one a few days late!)

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