@jackie_dunny I'm not a big coffee drinker either. I drink one weekly just because my husband has a weekly coffee shop habit that he supports. Growing up everyone kept telling me that I'd get into it at the next stage (high school, college, law school, work) but it never happened.
@freakymagoo yes! I want to do a sex reveal (for ourselves, not just family and friends) and I have to keep correcting myself to call it a sex reveal and not a gender reveal. Or if someone asks “are you going to find out the gender?” I make sure I reply with “yes, we’re finding out the sex”
So... for those of you correcting people who say gender, are you treating your babies as genderless until they choose for themselves? Because otherwise, for all intents and purposes you will be finding out their gender, right? Unless they correct you at a later date?
I’m not trying to be snotty. I’m genuinely curious because I’ve read about people who give their children gender neutral names and won’t tell anyone their child’s sex and refer to the child as they/them. I’m wondering if this is something that’s catching on.
@doodleoodle I would probably say that you can't really know someone's gender until they are cognitively old enough to tell you themselves, so I guess it would just be "assumed gender" until then? That's just my best guess lol
The only thing we've tried to do as a family is just not gender any roles, objects, toys etc and we will correct any family that has a problem with it. We decided that we would use the sex and assumed gender until our kids told us they preferred otherwise.
I personally don't really care if people use gender/sex interchangeably because I know what they mean and most of the time I know they don't mean any harm, but I do try to use the correct terms for those who do mind.
@RoseShadow873 I think it’s exactly that, but I would argue that because it is a cultural distinction that very much makes it a real thing within the context of our world.
@artsiefartsie assumed gender is a perfect way to describe it. That’s what we have chosen to do as well. I let my girls clue me in on the things that they like instead of assuming they will only like “girl” things. When toys come in gendered colors I get a mix of both the pink and purple, and the red and blue. My 5 year old has recently started making observations like, “only girls have long hair” and I’ve gently corrected her. And I feel pretty good about that balance 🤷♀️
@doodleoodle I agree with what @artsiefartsie said. I will raise them as their assumed gender (meaning using he or she pronouns) until they can tell me otherwise. But I will also do as you’re doing. Buy toys in “boy and girl” colors, let my son play with dolls if he chooses, let my daughter play with trucks, etc.
TBH, I was afraid to put in here that I plan on having a sex reveal because I know so many people are against it but I’m not sure why. Unless you plan on raising the child genderless like you said- (which, isn’t that raising them to be non-binary then, therefore also forcing a “gender” for lack of a better word?), -then why is having a party finding out the news in a fun way any different than just regularly finding out you’re having a girl and naming her a feminine name? Either way you’re making a decision based on their sex
@jackie_dunny I’m not sure why sex reveals get a bad wrap either. I think they can be fun. I had one with my first and people wore shirts that read, “I’m just here for the sex” it was very classy 😂
The only ones I side eye are the ones that have started massive fires, but other than that go for it. Any excuse to get together and have cake is a good time in my book 😋
@artsiefartsie omg yes the need to do massive, expensive "unique" types of reveals get the biggest side eyes from me. There was one sex reveal party that literally killed people because they created an explosive in their fervor
@jackie_dunny I'm with you. I can't get the stuff down.
Regarding sex/gender reveals, I don't mind that so much. I do feel weird posting the ultrasound online because why is it okay to show an unborn child's genitals to the world when we'd never do that after they're born.
Jana Lynn
Happily married since 5/24/2015 Momma of a baby Viking since 4/16, expecting #2 in 5/18
This sex/gender conversation is so interesting! I'm taking the approach of raising my children using assumed gender pronouns, but if they ever tell me they want to be called something else I'm happy to lean into their preferences. My son has purple shoes and I know some of our more traditional family members think that's odd (though thankfully none have said anything in front of him) but they were his choice and I think gender stereotypes are stupid. DH and I are not party people so we didn't do a gender/sex reveal party for DS and will not do one for this baby. When we found out the sex, we told our parents and then just allowed the news to spread naturally. I love finding out the sex, because I love learning anything and everything about my unborn child, but I personally don't feel any need to make a big to-do about it. If other people want to make something fun out of it and use it as another reason to celebrate their baby, I think they should be allowed to do so without judgment too.
ETA: @crazyliblady I just noticed your signature! DH and I got married the EXACT SAME DAY as you!
I'm going with assumed gender too, but there was an interesting discussion in my Oct 2019 BMB (maybe the sex thread) about gender vs sex and raising kids without assumed gender. One of the board members was part of the LGBTQ+ community and she said something that made me view the genderless view point differently (even though like I said I'm not doing it, just going to try and keep a very open dialogue with my kids).
Let me try to describe it: she said that when raising kids with assumed genders, statistically you'll likely be right and that's comfortable for the parents. But for those kids in the minority who don't align with their sex, we as the adults are putting the weight on their shoulders to push against the assumed gender and speak up. By that point there's likely lots of confusion and depression, like imagine the least equipped person in the room having to lead that discussion I guess.
It's tough from all perspectives, but just thought I would share that alternative perspective.
I really don’t think you need a $1,000 stroller or infant carrier! All carriers have to pass so many inspections and cheaper brands like baby trend have been in the market forever. What makes a mocking bird any better than graco.
But I will say it’s hard not to feel like I will be judged if I don’t have the top of the line carrier and stroller for my kiddo!
I love how open minded and open for discussion everyone is being! Honestly, I was nervous this was going to be our first “big drama” debate but I think we’ve discussed this important topic very well 👍🏻
My oldest was bald for a really long time and her hair was finally long enough to put into little pig tails when she was about two and a half. I will never forget it. I fixed her hair and put little bows in and showed her in the mirror. She gasped and said, “I’m a girl!” She was truly surprised. I often wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have fixed her hair into pigtails that day, or I wonder if she thought she was a boy, or if she hadn’t ever thought about it at all. She had some dresses but I mostly dressed her in skinny jeans and band t shirts because I thought it was so stinking cute.
@marbellie Thank you for bringing up and representing that perspective to help round out the conversation. As with so many parenting decisions, there's no clear and perfect answer!
@marbellie I totally agree with that. I think that's an important thing to keep in mind even outside of just gender. Kids feel so much pressure from society as it is, I want to do everything I can to diminish that pressure.
I love how open minded and open for discussion everyone is being! Honestly, I was nervous this was going to be our first “big drama” debate but I think we’ve discussed this important topic very well 👍🏻
@freakymagoo yes! I want to do a sex reveal (for ourselves, not just family and friends) and I have to keep correcting myself to call it a sex reveal and not a gender reveal. Or if someone asks “are you going to find out the gender?” I make sure I reply with “yes, we’re finding out the sex”
It is so important to talk about it! We talk a lot to our son about how there are so any things we may not know just by looking at someone, and it’s ok to ask, as long as you do it respectfully.
It’s when we stop positively talking about it that we do disservice to our children, friends, and family.
@jackie_dunny I'm with you. I can't get the stuff down.
Regarding sex/gender reveals, I don't mind that so much. I do feel weird posting the ultrasound online because why is it okay to show an unborn child's genitals to the world when we'd never do that after they're born.
I totally find this weird. Especially when they have an arrow pointing saying “boy.” I always feel weird looking at those. Why are you showing me your unborn child’s penis??
As far as sex reveal parties, I’m not a huge fan, but I think some of the things people come up with are pretty cute. I won’t have one for myself, but I’ve gone to ones for friends and enjoyed myself.
I guess what has struck me recently is people asking me why I didn’t pick a girl embryo. I didn’t pick, I let the embryologist pick. I have been asked 3 times if I’m disappointed it’s not a girl and that is such a baffling idea to me. I want a baby, and if I were able to conceive without assistance I wouldn’t be able to pick. It’s an embryo with either XX or XY chromosomes. I don’t know how they will grow up.
Cute story about kids and society reinforcing gender stereotypes-I got my son some new underwear the other day with Paw Patrol on them since he’s obsessed. He noticed Skye wasn’t on them and was a little upset. I had a hard time explaining why she wasn’t there. He was still pretty disappointed.
@jackie_dunny I'm with you. I can't get the stuff down.
Regarding sex/gender reveals, I don't mind that so much. I do feel weird posting the ultrasound online because why is it okay to show an unborn child's genitals to the world when we'd never do that after they're born.
I totally find this weird. Especially when they have an arrow pointing saying “boy.” I always feel weird looking at those. Why are you showing me your unborn child’s penis??
As far as sex reveal parties, I’m not a huge fan, but I think some of the things people come up with are pretty cute. I won’t have one for myself, but I’ve gone to ones for friends and enjoyed myself.
I guess what has struck me recently is people asking me why I didn’t pick a girl embryo. I didn’t pick, I let the embryologist pick. I have been asked 3 times if I’m disappointed it’s not a girl and that is such a baffling idea to me. I want a baby, and if I were able to conceive without assistance I wouldn’t be able to pick. It’s an embryo with either XX or XY chromosomes. I don’t know how they will grow up.
Cute story about kids and society reinforcing gender stereotypes-I got my son some new underwear the other day with Paw Patrol on them since he’s obsessed. He noticed Skye wasn’t on them and was a little upset. I had a hard time explaining why she wasn’t there. He was still pretty disappointed.
The things people say to infertiles is MINDBLOWING.
@gingerale87 we aren’t finding out. This is #4 for us. #1 came to live with us at 16mo so we knew his gender and name before he came to live with us, we found out #2 was a boy at 20 weeks then #3 we didn’t find out until she was born and this one we won’t either. We have so much stuff already and everything big is gender neutral. I feel like this one is a boy which with help with the clothing situation since my boy was born in winter and my girl was a summer baby. The only problem we are running into with a boy is finding him a name...we didn’t have one picked when I had my daughter so I’m hoping another 9months will be enough time to agree on something
@mayoduck it was a very good day! Both my children were assigned male at birth. I've been thinking that my oldest would be more comfortable in a dress. He's autistic so I think the social implications of wearing a dress would be meaningless to him and he'd find it comfy.
Jana Lynn
Happily married since 5/24/2015 Momma of a baby Viking since 4/16, expecting #2 in 5/18
@mkp0903 my nephew loves Paw Patrol and PJ Masks! Skye and Owlet are his favorites and he has gone as both for Halloween! He very much, at least for now, thinks he is a boy but doesn't care a wit about idolizing and mimicking his girl hero idols! Makes me so happy!
@gingerale87 we're team green again with these two like we did with our first and second. With my first, I swore it was a boy until the week before and had a dream it was a girl which totally threw me. My second pregnancy I grew totally different (straight out instead of wide) and guessed boy which was correct.... not sure how my guessing will be with the twins!
@freakymagoo I prefer to say unmedicated, home birth, etc. over "natural". Perhaps it's because of the way people have spoken it to me and it's unfounded, but when I hear "natural" birth I think of it as a judgey thing for all other births lol
@marbellie when someone says “natural birth” I think of it as no medications were used, but also no medical interventions such as: induction, forceps, vacuum, etc. I say “unmedicated” instead of “natural birth” a lot when I really mean “natural” (natural in the way I described above) ONLY because it seems to make people feel bad and I don’t want anyone to feel bad or judged or whatever. Birth is hard and tests your endurance no matter the methods used to get there. Everyone should feel like a badass after giving birth.
Re: UO Thursday 4/8
Coffee is gross. The smell is nice but the taste is dreadful.
Due: 6 Nov 2021
I guess that's my UO is that I don't like caffeine
Due: 6 Nov 2021
I’m not trying to be snotty. I’m genuinely curious because I’ve read about people who give their children gender neutral names and won’t tell anyone their child’s sex and refer to the child as they/them. I’m wondering if this is something that’s catching on.
The only thing we've tried to do as a family is just not gender any roles, objects, toys etc and we will correct any family that has a problem with it. We decided that we would use the sex and assumed gender until our kids told us they preferred otherwise.
I personally don't really care if people use gender/sex interchangeably because I know what they mean and most of the time I know they don't mean any harm, but I do try to use the correct terms for those who do mind.
@artsiefartsie assumed gender is a perfect way to describe it. That’s what we have chosen to do as well. I let my girls clue me in on the things that they like instead of assuming they will only like “girl” things. When toys come in gendered colors I get a mix of both the pink and purple, and the red and blue. My 5 year old has recently started making observations like, “only girls have long hair” and I’ve gently corrected her. And I feel pretty good about that balance 🤷♀️
TBH, I was afraid to put in here that I plan on having a sex reveal because I know so many people are against it but I’m not sure why. Unless you plan on raising the child genderless like you said- (which, isn’t that raising them to be non-binary then, therefore also forcing a “gender” for lack of a better word?), -then why is having a party finding out the news in a fun way any different than just regularly finding out you’re having a girl and naming her a feminine name? Either way you’re making a decision based on their sex
Due: 6 Nov 2021
The only ones I side eye are the ones that have started massive fires, but other than that go for it. Any excuse to get together and have cake is a good time in my book 😋
eta especially after the year we’ve had I think that we should celebrate any chance we get
Regarding sex/gender reveals, I don't mind that so much. I do feel weird posting the ultrasound online because why is it okay to show an unborn child's genitals to the world when we'd never do that after they're born.
DH and I are not party people so we didn't do a gender/sex reveal party for DS and will not do one for this baby. When we found out the sex, we told our parents and then just allowed the news to spread naturally. I love finding out the sex, because I love learning anything and everything about my unborn child, but I personally don't feel any need to make a big to-do about it. If other people want to make something fun out of it and use it as another reason to celebrate their baby, I think they should be allowed to do so without judgment too.
ETA: @crazyliblady I just noticed your signature! DH and I got married the EXACT SAME DAY as you!
Let me try to describe it: she said that when raising kids with assumed genders, statistically you'll likely be right and that's comfortable for the parents. But for those kids in the minority who don't align with their sex, we as the adults are putting the weight on their shoulders to push against the assumed gender and speak up. By that point there's likely lots of confusion and depression, like imagine the least equipped person in the room having to lead that discussion I guess.
It's tough from all perspectives, but just thought I would share that alternative perspective.
Due: 6 Nov 2021
@freakymagoo I prefer to say unmedicated, home birth, etc. over "natural". Perhaps it's because of the way people have spoken it to me and it's unfounded, but when I hear "natural" birth I think of it as a judgey thing for all other births lol