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Infertility
JLS28
member
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New here, venting mostly but would LOVE some feedback!
JLS28
member
My husband and I have been trying naturally for a few years with no luck. Back in November 2020 we finally decided to figure out what was going on. I will be 34 in a few weeks, I have PCOS and he has disfigured sperm so it seems we have little to no chance of ever naturally conceiving. After a few (Covid) delays...we are finally starting IVF mid February. I am a planner, I have jumped fully in, done hours and hours of research, have all the medications and books and heating pads and ice packs and feel as prepared as I can be for the procedures. I'm trying to be optimistic without getting my hopes up as i have read many stories about things working the first cycle and just as many about things taking years to happen.
Here's my issue...I have always wanted kids, I have been surrounded by kids my whole life, 10 little cousins, 3 little siblings, worked in a daycare all through high school and college, been babysitting regularly since i was 13, worked as a nanny for 5 years recently before getting back into marketing so i would be more prepared for maternity leave and such...I'm going to kids I watched weddings at this point! I am an emergency contact for many of my friends children, I'm the fun aunt to all of them. Moral of the story is that there is no doubt in anyones mind that I am a baby/kid person. Most of my friends are on their second or third kids, some of them never even really wanted kids it just happened as a natural progression of life. I know life isn't "fair" and none of this has anything to do with my personal situation physically but mentally I'm just SO angry! I am a big believer in things happen for a reason so I can't seem to let go of the frustration and sadness that I feel that i am in this position. I understand that I am lucky to have this opportunity to do IVF and that having a child is still a potential possibility but I can't help but still feeling angry. My friends got to drink and have fun and “accidentally” get pregnant and enjoy the process and I’m doing enemas and getting shots and taking medications and supplements and getting bloodwork every other day and going through surgeries just to possibly have a small chance to get pregnant.
I hope this doesn’t offend anyone as that is not my intention at all, feel free to tell me to get over myself! I'm just trying to process all of this. I'm really curious to hear everyones thoughts. How did you feel when you first started this journey and how did you / do you deal with it? I see so many people talking about going through this and having their “miracle” children and I am so happy for everyone and love reading and hearing these stories but I just do not feel like that (yet?) I am not in the miracle mindset at all. Im sure if / when things work out I will feel like it was all worth it, i just want to not be so angry and sad right now. I guess really i just feel like I'm being punished for something and just keep wondering was it something I did or didn't do or something i should have done differently.
Anyways! Im really not trying to sound like a completely insensitive jerk, I’m genuinely interested in getting feedback on how to be in a better mindset about this. Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
Re: New here, venting mostly but would LOVE some feedback!
I would encourage you to stay on the boards here (a February IVF thread should start soon I would think) and you will find like minded women who are experiencing a lot of the same things that you are. Good luck!!
2017 - egg retrieval #1 - 3 eggs, 0 embryos appropriate for transfer; ER #2 2 eggs, 0 embryos on day 3; ER #3 1 egg 0 embryos
moved to donor egg in summer 2017; 35 eggs retrieved; 19 fertilized; 9 total embryos
Fresh transfer Dec 2017= BFP! baby boy born 8/22/18
May 2019 - surprise natural pregnancy ended in MC
Nov 2019 FET; MC at 9 weeks
May 2020 FET; BFN
July 2020 FET; CP treated with methotrexate
Oct 2020 BFP!
Take a look at my blog
Honestly, I could have written your post when I first started out on this incredibly frustrating journey. I have wanted kids for as long as I could remember; I scaled back on my career so I would be able to be at home more with future kids right when we started TTC. And then nothing happened for 3 years while I watched everyone around me, it seems, get pregnant without even really trying. I'm not sure if anger is the word I would use to describe my mindset at that point....more frustrated and feeling like this all was unfair. Maybe angry at the world in general/life. (I know life isn't fair, but this just really took the cake in that regard.) My -younger- sister, married only a few years compared to our 10+ years, had two babies while I was trying to just freaking get pregnant with -one-. By the time we were starting IVF, I was pretty much of the mind that 'this won't work ,just like everything else hasn't worked' and just wanting to get it all over with. That's actually why I transferred our only two embryos at once; I just wanted it all to be over so I could just move on with whatever my life was going to be. It certainly didn't feel miraculous or amazing to me.
Obviously, if you read my signature, you'll see that the two embryo transfer worked and I did have my little girl 9 months later (well 8, she was early!) -- after 6 years of TTC. I will just say, at least for me, everything changes in that moment where you finally hold your take-home baby. I felt like a massive weight had lifted from my shoulders and I just was so over the moon. It really did feel like a miracle and I was the lucky one this time. I still get tears in my eyes when I think of how long we waited for her and how amazing it is that she's finally here.
It's one of those crazy things -- when you're on one side of the fence, it's so impossible to visualize the destination or feel at peace with the journey or even feel joy in the good moments -- but once you hop over to the other side, it suddenly doesn't matter anymore that it took you years to get here and things make sense like they were supposed to be that way all along. I know that future might see impossible and/or distant to you now -- it seemed like that to me too. But in the end, this will only be a small blip at the very beginning of motherhood and for what's worth, I'd go through all of it a million times over for my daughter.
Summer 2015 - no BFP yet, labs normal, referred to RE
Fall 2015 - Summer 2016 - Further testing all normal. 3 IUI's -- BFN. Recommended move to IVF. Planned cycle for fall 2016.
September 2016 - Surprise natural BFP. MMC @ 8 weeks. RE expressed confidence that we just needed the 'right' embryo.
Fall 2016 - Spring 2017 -- Break from TTC
June 2017 - Started IVF; egg retrieval for freeze all cycle. 9 mature eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized. 2 4BB embies on ice.
August 2017 - FET transfer both embies. BFP. Twin pregnancy confirmed by ultrasound. EDD 4/28/18
September 2017 - Twin B stopped developing; Twin A doing perfectly! Graduated from RE @ 10 weeks
March 2018 - Baby Girl born via C/S due to pre-eclampsia -- strong and healthy!
TTC #2
January/Feb 2021 - Freeze-all IVF cycle
March 2021 - FET of 1 PGS normal female embryo. BFP! Beta #1 156, #2 472, #3 1241, #4 5268 EDD 12/5/21 - Christmas baby!
"When all is lost then all is found."
I always felt that seeing others success gave a twinge of pain. Not so much jealousy, or resentment. Just pain. We tend to look at people who get pregnant and give birth to healthy babies on the first shot and think “they're lucky.” But the truth is that people grow through experience. And when you’ve broken down a million times and still get back up, that’s power. It may not feel like it, but I truly believe that we’re the lucky ones. Just like with many things in life - success wasn’t just handed to us one drunken night 😏 We had to work for it - go through hell for it. And all of that hard work makes the success that much sweeter. Hang in there, and know that you’re not alone 💕