PGAL December 2020

akoros · December 2020

Re-upping for December.

This thread is for anyone who has experienced loss at any point in pregnancy or experienced the loss of a child. There is a general TW (trigger warning) for the entire thread that previous losses will likely be discussed.

Your story (if you're comfortable):

How far along are you?:

How are you feeling (physically, mentally/emotionally)?:

Any upcoming appointments?:

ruemcclanahan · December 2020

Your story (if you're comfortable):

2 MCs last year.

How far along are you?:

12 weeks 4 days ❤️ so happy to be past that mark

How are you feeling (physically, mentally/emotionally)?:
Physically I'm still so so nauseous and gross so I'm miserable
Mentally it's hard with PGAL brain stealing all my joy but I'm trying to stay as positive as I can!
I wish my husband would be more excited but he is still so so scared.
I think he needs to go to therapy to try and work out some of the trauma from our last MC, it was really hard on us both and he's never really gotten past it.

Any upcoming appointments?
I just had a million appointments yesterday so I don't have more until December 28 which seems so crazy far away

akoros · December 2020

Your story (if you're comfortable): TFMR December 2019 for T21 and cystic hygroma, MMC at 15 weeks July 2020

How far along are you?: 10 weeks today

How are you feeling (physically, mentally/emotionally)?: Physically doing fine, emotionally starting to get nervous. In a spoiler since it's long and I just need to get it out, but TL; DR -- there's lots of triggers this month, plus anxiety regarding the genetic testing.

It was on Dec. 6th last year that I went for the NT scan and we found out something was wrong. We were totally blindsided (due to a miscommunication I hadn't had the NIPT yet). It was all confirmed by a CVS the following week and we terminated on Dec 30th. We'd told our immediate families, and one friend guessed at Thanksgiving, but felt pretty safe since I hadn't miscarried yet and was having a smooth pregnancy thus far. Most pregnancies are perfectly fine, right? While she didn't tell family, my mom was so excited she'd shared with some friends (who I don't know, so didn't much care), one of whom at her neighbor's sushi party just after Thanksgiving last year. This Thanksgiving that same neighbor set up an all-day Zoom call to connect with friends and family, which my mother joined and *of course* one of the same women was there and said, "oh, you must be a grandmother now!". My mom held it together and tried to dismiss it, but the woman was totally confused when she said, "no, not yet," replying with "must be soon, right?". Ugh. I'm not mad at any of them, was just awkward and so hard to hear.

I'm also getting pissed at how losses have totally destroyed the excitement of an announcement. Not that we were ever going to do something big and splashy, but last year I had planned to have cute (somewhat cryptic) clues on our Christmas card which I was excited about. Now I don't think we'll tell most until after the anatomy scan, maybe later. Given everything that happened we didn't send cards out at all last year, and I'm struggling with what to do for this year. I normally like to do photo cards, but we don't have any good photos of us this year because we usually use travel photos. Debating making my husband take a selfie of us with masks on and add small pictures of the cat, bread, and cocktails....because that's pretty much been our year (aside from the other loss, which I'm not exactly putting on a card). What I really want is a "Screw 2020" card, but that's probably not appropriate.

So now it's T-minus 3 days until I find out if this kid is still alive in there (no reason to think it's not, just pessimistic), and 14 days until the NT scan. Going to be a stressful couple of weeks until we get there.

Any upcoming appointments?: Dec 4th for a checkup and NIPT blood draw, Dec 15 for the NT scan at the MFM

akoros · December 2020

@ruemcclanahan While I totally understand, it kind of hurt that my husband isn't particularly excited this time around. He also got super burned by our second loss and is scared to really believe it. I'm assuming it'll get better as time goes on, but knowing how excited he was before just makes it sad. Sorry to hear he's struggling

_orchid_ · December 2020

@akoros sending you so many hugs. I didn't realize this pregnancy lined up so closely with your first and that you'd be hitting some of the same milestones at the same time of year. That is so hard ♥️ I wasn't as far along with my first loss but hitting those "anniversary" dates a year later were rough. I'd imagine it would be even tougher this time of year bc it's usually a pretty reflective time of the past year. You are right, most pregnancies are fine, and just because you've had two losses does NOT necessirly mean you'll have another. I'm here for you and holding my breath for good results for you ♥️

Tw: rainbow pregnancies mentioned

With my first pregnancy I was so excited to announce at 13 weeks. Didn't get there, and with my rainbow I didn't announce until I was 26 weeks. Announced around the same time with ds2. Not sure what I'll do this time- I'd honestly prefer to wait until after birth- but also feel like since I announced with the others I should with this one too. Idk.

I'd lmao if I got a Christmas card with "screw 2020". What about making a Christmas tree with stacked TP and decorating it? Still festive, still 2020, and that way you don't have to worry about how you look in a picture.

_orchid_ · December 2020

@ruemcclanahan aww about your DH. My first loss and the trauma from it just sucked all the joy out of it for us too. I was very open about it (still am...) and some of the comments I got from family members, coworkers, and friends were just plain awful. I've had 2 rainbows since and it's gotten easier for us once there's movement, but the worry is still there until birth. I think give him time, he will get there ♥️ mine also was so worried about me, and that affected his excitement too.

_orchid_ · December 2020

Your story (if you're comfortable): 2 losses at 7w in July 2012 and July 2019, 1 loss at 5w in March 2020

How far along are you?: 10w

How are you feeling (physically, mentally/emotionally)?: Still blah about everything. Was thinking about buying a new infant seat in the sales this weekend but didn't want to commit. Tried to find the HB for DH on the doppler today (he can't come to any appts) but couldn't find it today. With this pregnancy I'm finding out about other health issues (blood clotting disorder, autoimmune stuff) so we've decided regardless of outcome this is my last one. I'm obviously hoping it works out, and am feeling more positive about it since I'm past my loss milestones, but still have a long way to go to feeling confident about it or making plans. I am DREADING "covid- baby" comments when/if we eventually announce. My thyroid's been all over the place too (at 5.48 2 weeks ago) so hoping the most recent dosage change has helped.

Any upcoming appointments?: 12/10 for NIPT, us, and consult with the rheumatologist.

akoros · December 2020

@_orchid_ That is a *brilliant* idea, I have tons of toilet paper! Can also use some masks, and put disinfecting wipes underneath. Thanks for the idea!

_orchid_ · December 2020

@akoros I'm seriously considering including rolls of TP in my Christmas gifts to family/friends who would find it funny.

akoros · December 2020

@_orchid_ I already have an excess stash of antibacterial wipes for the exact same reason

MelissaMay82 · December 2020

Your story: D&E in April 2016 @ 21w5d for Thanatophoric Dysplasia and M/C in November 2017 @ 4w6d (unknown cause).

How far along are you?: 11+3

How are you feeling (physically, mentally/emotionally)?: Physically- still nauseous, tired, lots of food aversions. Mentally/emotionally- hanging in there. PGAL brain won’t quit though. I feel a smidge better that my nipt results were low risk/negative. The anatomy scan is the big milestone that I need to get past. I am so nervous for it and I’ll have to go to MFM alone. MFM really triggers me. My OB is so sweet though, she was very reassuring yesterday that she doesn’t have any reason to think that there will be anything wrong with this baby. She also offered me additional growth scans (even if everything is perfectly normal at my 2 MFM anatomy scans) at 24 weeks and 32 weeks. She knows how nervous I am.

Any upcoming appointments?: I had one yesterday with my OB. Nothing now until I go to MFM the first week of January (I think the 3rd).

@akoros I unfortunately had a similar experience being blindsided but it was at the anatomy scan at 20 weeks. Everything up until then had been completely normal. The NT scan was perfect, no indication that anything was wrong. At the anatomy scan, we found out the baby had curved, short long bones, a very small thoracic cavity, and abnormalities of the spine. We were referred to MFM who confirmed what the OB thought. You are totally right that losses destroy the excitement of announcing. I’m even pondering when to tell our families. Part of me wants to tell them now but on the other hand maybe I should wait until after the anatomy scan.

akoros · December 2020

Not gonna lie, kind of freaking out today. NT appointment is tomorrow afternoon, haven't gotten my NIPT results yet, so I'm just a ball of anxiety. Had a nightmare that at the appointment they saw something, but wouldn't tell me what, instead telling me to wait for another appointment or more results (in the dream I didn't have my NIPT results yet). But then the doctor told me to go home, relax, and have a cocktail...which meant that clearly they didn't think this was going to end well and I flipped. That's around when I woke up. I'm just terrified.

laurad75 · December 2020

I'm 12+2 today. @akoros I feel you. The anxiety keeps creeping back even after I feel confident. We got our NIPT results back on Tuesday and I thought that would make me feel better but I'm still a bundle of nerves. I had a dream last week that I was at an appt and someone handed me the doppler to find the heartbeat but I couldn't because I didn't know what I was doing. So then my OB comes in with the nurse and they say 'Oh gosh, of course you can't find it. we will help you.' but then the dream ended so I woke up anxious. NT ultrasound is next week so I have to hold on until then.

_orchid_ · December 2020

@akoros aw thinking of you! That is a terrible nightmare, I'd be a mess. Any chance your Dr would have the NIPT results before you? I have no real advice, just want to to know I'm thinking about you. Sometimes when I'm anxious about an event, I focus on the fact that it'll be over and I'll be into the next step by like 3 hours later. So for example, if your appt is at 2, I'd be thinking "by 5 pm I'll know if everything is ok or if it's not" and then I focus on that 5 pm deadline. It kind of tricks my brain so that instead of thinking about everything that could go wrong during that event, I'm focusing on the fact I'll have more info by 5 and my brain is thinking about that instead. I am really, really rooting for you and baby.

_orchid_ · December 2020

@laurad75 my NT is next Wednesday and I'm just worried about the timing with it 2 days before Christmas. Worried about bad news and then having to be all merry for my other kids.

laurad75 · December 2020

@_orchid_ My strategy is just to assume everything is going to be fine and focus on the fact that I have no reason to worry. It will be so wonderful to share our news at Christmas time. If there is bad news I will just have to deal with it then and do my best to stay positive for DS.

TW in spoiler:

Last December I was just shy of 10 weeks when we discovered at an ultrasound with my IVF clinic that the babies did not have heartbeats. It had been discovered the week before that the embryo we transferred had split and I was carrying identical twins but it was all do to a chromosome abnormality. Days before we left to spend Christmas with our families I had the D&C. I stayed strong for DS, who was only 18 months, and only broke down once when I went to Christmas Eve Mass with my parents. I survived. It sucked but I made it through.

_orchid_ · December 2020

@laurad75 fx everything is good for you for this Christmas! I didn't realize that the timing of this pregnancy for you matches up so closely with your loss. I get nervous with pregnancies and holidays- my 1st loss was right before 4th of July (one of my favorites) and 8.5 years later I still think of that sad time whenever I see fireworks.

akoros · December 2020

Thank you @laurad75 and @_orchid_. I cried a bit and am doing a bit calmer right now. My doctor should get the NIPT results first, I think they take a look before releasing it to me, but it's also really close so totally normal for it to just not be done yet. I think that's part of what's freaking me out, in my head it would all be over by the 15th (either good or bad), but if the NIPT results are delayed then I have no idea when I'll be able to breathe. I'll be ok, just a bad morning.

@laurad75 I'm sorry you're so close to your loss timeline. I'm in a similar boat, we found out last Dec. 6th that there was a problem, which was confirmed the next week and we terminated on Dec. 30th. I think I've been subconsciously preparing for the worst, rushing to get our tree, decorations, and gifts done, in case it all comes crashing down again.

_orchid_ · December 2020

@akoros thinking of you tonight and hoping you get restful, peaceful sleep tonight!

akoros · December 2020

@_orchid_ Thank you! I did, because later last night the NIPT results were pushed out and it's all negative!! Huge relief.

Along with the NIPT I got all my other results, and it noted an abnormal urine culture of acinetobacter baumannii. Naturally I Googled and got a little worried (associated with pregnancy complications, seems like many strains are antibiotic-resistant). I'll ask about it at my appointment today, so hoping that everything is ok and a f'in UTI won't take me down.

_orchid_ · December 2020

@akoros yay!! So glad to hear everything came back negative!! I'm glad you have an appointment today to ask about the urine culture- hopefully your case is mild and treatable!

akoros · December 2020

@_orchid_ Thank you! And thanks to everyone for letting me vent yesterday.

What I was reading was kind of confusing -- basically I can't tell if it's not a big deal because 1) I'm early on (some of the studies referenced women far later in their pregnancies) and 2) it might be mild (said 25k-50k colony forming units, a study I saw mentioned over 100k). But still...PGAL, so naturally going to worry. Thankfully I have appointments today and tomorrow, so I can get an answer quickly.

_orchid_ · December 2020

@akoros I hear ya about pgal brain. I am a researcher/advocate for my health except when it comes to pg bc it gives me too much anxiety to look things up and know the bad things that could happen. Instead I researched my drs (I switched after my first loss) and trust them to tell me when there might be a problem. I have a running doc on my phone of questions I'd normally Google so I can ask my Dr during appts. I had some issues with ds2's positioning at 36w (footling breech) and my drs told me what to do if I started having contractions. I didn't Google it until the night before my RCS at 39+3, and then I couldn't sleep bc I was so anxious. Good luck today!!

mindyb2019 · December 2020

@akoros yay! to a normal NIPT. Congrats. So happy to hear that for you.

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