TTCAL w/o 11/30

fitzfizz · November 2020

**This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage, selective termination due to medical complications, and/or stillbirth may be mentioned.**

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status:

How are things going?

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well?

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Questions?

GTKY: What do you want most from Santa this year? (Other than a healthy pregnancy and baby of course)

fitzfizz · November 2020

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. First loss earlier this year at 22 weeks due to genetic problem. Chemical pregnancy this month, still ongoing.

Status: Still bleeding, and much heavier than usual which was unexpected. I thought since it was such an early loss I would just have a normal period, but I guess not.

How are things going? I’m generally struggling. I’m feeling overall left behind by all my friends and family. Knowing that this month I hit the year mark is not helping.

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? See above I guess.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? There is no more testing to do. I obviously wasn’t far enough to have anything to test, so now we just have to wonder if this was from the same mutation as the last loss. I know it isn’t logical, but part of my brain is convinced that a second loss means one of us is a carrier of the genetic mutation and this is going to keep happening. I told my husband about this (I thought irrational) fear and he basically said he was thinking the same thing. We have now become one big ball of anxiety and we are feeding off of each other’s fears. It has been a fun weekend at the Fitzfizz house.

Questions? Anyone else have very heavy periods after a CP?

GTKY: What do you want most from Santa this year? (Other than a healthy pregnancy and baby of course) This dates me for sure, but I found out that my all time favorite video game, Super Mario 64, is available for the Nintendo Switch. I think my Christmas list for 2020 may look a lot like my Christmas list from 1996. I think I’m just feeling nostalgic for a happier time in my life.

inthewoods23 · November 2020

@fitzfizz if you are to have another loss in the future, does that put all the RPL testing in motion or did you sort of go through that testing already with your first loss? Hang in there It may be worth it to take the month off and get through the holidays and regroup with YH after the new year.

Side comment... isn't the whole "hang in there" kind of a lame response to someone needing support? I feel it's so insincere but it's so hard to know what to say! I always have so many things going through my head when I can see some of us here really hurting, but my own experience tells me that all I really want in terms of support is to be heard/seen.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 1 loss at 8w2d in late October, too early to test anything

Status: WTO, should occur sometime next week

How are things going? Made it through Thanksgiving with my KU sister despite her small but still rude comments about my diet. I'm just happy there ended up not being a gender reveal at Thanksgiving. Idk if my mom said something since I had expressed my displeasure in the idea a little while ago. Just trying to look to the future and get through the days. Things are going as good as they could be right now.

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? That tiny shred of doubt that we're going to struggle again and just got "lottery odds" lucky with conceiving back in September. Damn IF brain. I'm occasionally bumming out knowing if we're aren't successful this cycle then I get AF right before Christmas. So lame.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope, but curious how my OPKs will look starting tomorrow when I start incorporating those. Presumably it will look similar to previous cycles since I appear to have ovulated before AF.

Questions? Not right now

GTKY: What do you want most from Santa this year? (Other than a healthy pregnancy and baby of course) Apparently I never thought to ask for a cleaning service for Christmas but that is what's on my mind at the moment since we spontaneously over the weekend threw around the idea of getting a robot vacuum. Might actually add the cleaning service or vacuum to my list haha

grogu · December 2020

@fitzfizz I'm so sorry to see you back here. Sending so much love ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: 1 MMC in November

Status: WTO

How are things going? Good, my hpt is negative and we decided not to wait one cycle since the only reason my doctor could give was dating the pregnancy

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? I got my memorial tattoo on Saturday so it gave me a bit of closure along with the negative tests.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/9y/6vg28odzt3jz.jpg

Any testing coming up/any recent results? None

Questions? None

GTKY: What do you want most from Santa this year? (Other than a healthy pregnancy and baby of course) a projector for cutting my fabric, Santa may have ordered it already 🤣

bumblebee0210 · December 2020

@fitzfizz Ugh, I'm sorry. CPs are such a gut punch. I have had longer periods with CPs, which I think makes sense because your lining continues to thicken as the month goes on so more material to shed. I am not an expert, but I had a CP after an 8-week likely genetic loss (though not tested) and my doctor was not at all concerned for RPL. Basically the way she explained it to me is that most people with RPL have the same sort of loss over and over. The CP may well have been caused by a genetic issue but it's unlikely to be the same issue, since it was probably more fundamental (aneuploid) or just a random error in early cell division. I'm so sorry you got hit with this after your experience with your first pregnancy. Just a kick in the (lady) nuts.

@inthewoods23 Glad you made it through TG, and I can't believe your sister was insensitive enough to comment on your diet. Why are people always so concerned about what other people eat?

@baby_yoda1986 love the tattoo!

kiki047 · December 2020

@fitzfizz I am so, so sorry to see you back here. My heart dropped when I saw you created the thread this week because of what that meant.

TTCAL the first time around is already such a mind f*ck and I hate that those lingering doubts are creeping up on you even more now. Sending you and Mr fitzfizz lots of hugs as you process this together.
@inthewoods23 big ugh to your sister, though I'm SO relieved for you that they didn't end up doing the gender reveal, whatever the reason was for them to change their minds. I think the "hang in there" response is just one of those things that has been ingrained in us from years of awkward and insincere social interactions where people just feel the need to say something and I always felt like it had more to do with making themselves feel better than to comfort the other person. Even I can feel myself trying to let people off the hook when they say something particularly inconsiderate during a time of grief or hardship and I have to mentally scold myself for perpetuating that behaviour.
@baby_yoda1986 that tattoo is beautiful. I got a little choked up as soon as I opened the spoiler. What a touching tribute to your angel baby.
@bumblebee0210 I just snorted at "just a kick in the (lady) nuts"

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 1 MMC at 11w Nov '20

Status: Have started BCP prepping for a mock transfer cycle (which means I've finally stopped bleeding/spotting, hallelujah!)

How are things going? Feeling better overall and happy to leave November behind because that was legitimately the worst month of my life, but December brings its own challenges as we approach what would have been our first EDD from the FET in March that didn't take, uncertainty about what the holidays are going to look like this year, the anniversary of my Grandfather's passing, and reaching the official 3 year mark since we started TTC.

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? I'm having a hard time swallowing the fact that it has now been 13 months since our first ER and I feel like we have nothing to show for it. But we've been channelling our sadness into decorating the house for Christmas, hoping that if our environment is at least a little more cheerful then maybe it'll bring more smiles to our faces. I think it is working for the most part.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Just waiting to hear what the new protocol will be for my mock transfer. I'm up for trying something radically different, as we only made small adjustments from the first FET to the second. Appt with RE is tomorrow.

Questions? Why is it so tempting to keep looking at maternity stuff on sale for Black Friday I almost bought a few shirts but couldn't go through with it.

GTKY: What do you want most from Santa this year? (Other than a healthy pregnancy and baby of course) An interior designer, lol. We're in the process of making our choices for the basement renovations after our flood last month and while I do love doing this stuff, it's so overwhelming. If Jillian Harris can just come wave her magic wand I'd happily turn my basement over to her.

sienna221 · December 2020

@fitzfizz I am so sorry to see you back here. Big internet hugs to you! Really hoping you get that video game and can have some moments of mental reprieve!

@inthewoods23 I agree with what someone else said...hate when people comment on diets. How does it affect them?! So annoying. But glad you made it through thanksgiving!

@baby_yoda1986 yay for negative HPT! Fingers crossed for you starting to try again. And agreed that the tattoo is beautiful. So special!

@kiki047 I am glad December is over for you. That was really a rough month. It’s funny how just the mental feeling of starting a new month can sometimes help. And hope it does for you and that December doesn’t bring its own issues!

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC 10/22

Status: WFAF...still 🙄

How are things going? Ok. I mentally feel okay...right now. Here I go sounding like a broken record since I say this every week 🤣 and I know every feels the same...it’s so frustrating in this waiting game! Hpts still with a faint line but weirdly my OPKs are getting positive again. So maybe nearing the end and will O soon. Thursday will be 6 weeks so figured depending how things are with hpts on Monday, I might call my OB. Fingers crossed nothing left in there.

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well?

*TW LC*

My sister had her baby girl on 11/19 and being in a quarantine bubble with just the family we spend a lot of time together. It’s actually been easier than I was expecting and actually helped being around her. It was actually harder when she was pregnant and leading up to the due date.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? None

Questions? I don’t think so...for now at least

GTKY: What do you want most from Santa this year? (Other than a healthy pregnancy and baby of course) Only thing I really want is to travel! But not looking good for that for a while still haha

*edited for obnoxious spacing issues*

bumblebee0210 · December 2020

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 2 mmcs, (most recently mono/di twins @ 11.5 weeks in Sep), some CPs thrown in.

Status: TWW

How are things going? I can't believe at this stage in the game I am still capable of the TWW anxiety, but here we are. I feel like I convince myself I am pregnant in like 30% of cycles, and then like 50% of the time I am right (at least for a while). So I can't even say like "Oh, B, you are just being dumb of course you are not KU!" It also doesn't help that I get *very* early symptoms. On the other hand, having had a few CPs and a few mmcs, I see a positive pregnancy test as step 2 of 10, which actually lessens the drama of the TWW.

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? [Ok-- can I petition to have this question and the previous one combined? I never have two separate answers to them.]

Any testing coming up/any recent results? No

Questions? Nope

GTKY: What do you want most from Santa this year? (Other than a healthy pregnancy and baby of course) With the caveat that I am jewish... a vacation. (Santa is magic, right? So he can end the pandemic so I can get away?)

bumblebee0210 · December 2020

@sienna221. Glad you're feeling a bit better, and that being with your sister was a nice experience. I think the anticipation of things like that are often worse than the reality.

fitzfizz · December 2020

@inthewoods23 I feel like with loss in general there isn’t anything anyone can say to make it better, but just knowing people see and hear you feels like good support. Regarding additional testing, I don’t think my first would count for RPL testing since we know the cause for the loss and it isn’t something that usually causes repeat loss. As much as I am getting in my head, it actually is very unlikely this was the same cause. This was more likely the same as any other chemical pregnancy, aneuploidy or random genetic variation. We are 32 and 38 so unrelated genetic problems are fairly likely.

@baby_yoda1986 Agreed, as long as they are planning an early US anyway for dating purposes, waiting probably doesn’t really matter. Especially if you are doing OPKs. A projector for fabric sounds like a good idea!

@bumblebee0210 I definitely am with you on being over the TWW drama. Having losses (especially multiple times) definitely makes it feel like a positive HPT isn’t even something to be excited about. Now that I have had both a CP and a later loss I feel like a positive barely would mean anything other than I have to stop posting here. I think I’m feeling particularly jaded today, so hopefully I can get excited again at some point, but I just wanted to say that you are not alone in feeling that way.

@kiki047 I’m so, so sorry that you are reaching the 3 year point. Infertility is already so unfair and when you add loss in the mix it is even more of a gut punch. I know it really isn’t much, but I hope that the Christmas decorations bring you some happiness. I hope that the changes to your FET protocol are successful!

@sienna221 6 weeks is truly obnoxious, I hope your uterus decides what it wants to do soon! I definitely agree with calling your OB though, especially if you have not already had an US. It is still possible it is normal, but getting an US can’t hurt to rule out any retained POC (though you would typically have at least spotting with this, so it isn’t super likely).

asf0613 · December 2020

lurking
@fitzfizz was really hoping not to see you here. sending you good healing vibes

inthewoods23 · December 2020

@baby_yoda1986 GL trying this cycle! Are you sure you haven't ovulated already? I just ask since I ovulated before my HPTs went negative. I like your tattoo!

@bumblebee0210 the comments weren't too bad. My therapist is working on getting me to be less snappy, snarky, and defensive in responses to what is said to me by others. So come Christmas I plan on saying something the first time she makes a comment about it (that would make strike 3). I guess I'm going to have to be more detailed in responding to people instead of being so vague. I've always been vague with family on this subject because I just don't want to talk about it. But I really should make them more aware.

@kiki047 It's possible I was mistaken and the plan always was to do it ON Thanksgiving which they were at her husband's family's place for the day and came out for our family Thanksgiving on Friday. I clearly blow things out of proportion in my head. But maybe my brain does that as a way to prepare myself so that the actual events feel normal. I'm glad you've finally stopped bleeding! It's finally behind you.

@sienna221 well my vegan butter was used in the rice krispie treats

but still.... different people making the same thing will have different tastes so just deal with it, you know? I still had faint positives when I ovulated so hopefully AF arrives in the near future! Responding to your spoiler *TW*:

I had the same feelings when my sister had her first. Once my niece was born I just couldn't help but be in love with how cute she was. And maybe that's because there's no reason to have any ill will towards a baby because they are their own person? It really does seem that the hardship is with watching others go through pregnancy when you're not.

grogu · December 2020

@inthewoods23 maybe? My temps are all over the place, however my opk went from positive to negative yesterday. 🤞
*TW*LC

Also I completely agree with you on the hardships of watching people go through pregnancy without you.
Even after I had my LO I would be so jealous of people who got pregnant easily or without trying. It took us 4 years to get our take home baby last time.

@fitzfizz a projector is going to be a game changer! No printing/taping/cutting out patterns for this girl!

@sienna221 the waiting game is so frustrating. I hope you O soon and don't have to go for follow up!

sienna221 · December 2020

@inthewoods23 @baby_yoda1986

*TW LC Response*

Agreed with all of that. It’s also that I could relate to the pregnancy. I had that and I lost that so it hurt to see her with “that”. I had to hold my tongue so many times towards the end when she’d complain about her back hurting or being tired or whatever it was...which she has a right to do...but I’d always want to respond with something snarky or say it’s better being there than not having made it to that point. But yea, with the sweet baby now it’s just love. Because of all the reasons you all
mentioned and maybe because I can’t relate to that unlike the pregnancy part.

inthewoods23 · December 2020

@baby_yoda1986 I definitely know a few people like that! All it takes is a blink for them.

@sienna221 I don't think I need a TW for my response but I'll put it in a spoiler at least to be safe. It's all MC related.

I have a friend that went through a 2nd tri loss last year. She was also due 10 days after her friend who was her MOH at her wedding that occurred a month after the MC. She later told me that for much of that month leading up to the wedding she just couldn't bring herself to hang out with her or work on wedding stuff with her because it hurt so much knowing they were due so close to each other. It's especially hard in the later months when you can visibly see their bumps growing.

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