Mental Health Check In

animalandplantrescuer · June 2020

At the beginning of our birthday month message board someone started a thread on mental health. I think it’s important to check in with everyone from time to time, especially with all that is going on in the world right now.

So how is everyone doing mentally?

animalandplantrescuer · June 2020

I’ll start. I think reaching the halfway point has gotten me more excited, but also more anxious. Being a first time mom, even though this was planned, my anxieties during the whole pregnancy have been can I handle being a mom, and what if I regret the decision. Even though I’ve been told by numerous people that I’ll be a great, the worries still creep up on me.

I just read an article that stated almost every future parent feels this way, and if you don’t that might be worse. That gave me some relief. Since I have suffered from anxiety and depression it can be hard to distinguish what is a legitimate fear, and what my brain makes up.

mckjacks · June 2020

@animalandplantrescuer I am right there with you with worries about whether or not I’ll be a good parent. Exacerbated by having twins and knowing the first couple months are going to be really hard and lacking in sleep.

Otherwise, I’ve just been having a lot of anxiety the last couple of weeks. I thought it was because I was away from home, but I’m back now and still really anxious throughout the day. It’s slowly getting better, but it’s been unsettling as I’ve dealt with severe anxiety and depression in the past.

carrotsandpeas3 · June 2020

Thanks for starting this. I was having a pretty hard time with everything going on in the world a few weeks ago. Then I deactivated my Facebook and things seem so much less constant and overwhelming. It has definitely been something I needed. Feeling way more relaxed and optimistic on the day to day.

@mckjacks and @animalandplantrescuer I feel you on the "how am I going to handle this/am I going to be any good at this" sort of anxiety even as a STM. I think I feel more confident this time about my abilities but also terrified because I remember how hard things were for weeks to months on end. 😬 I keep saying I will be better and more experienced at it this time and hopefully more relaxed, but really, with the addition of a toddler this time it could 100% be way harder!

animalandplantrescuer · June 2020

@mckjacks Know you’re definitely not alone. I admire you for handling this all with twins. My anxiety was really high at the beginning. So high that they assigned me a social worker if I needed any help with my questions. So far I haven’t used it because luckily it has improved some, but I am glad she is there just in case. I was told I can ask her anything related to my pregnancy, and she will look for an answer.

@carrotsandpeas3 I can definitely see how it would be anxiety producing even after the first. I know if we decide to have a second I will be really anxious then too. It’s always a huge life change no matter what number you’re on.

mamahosch · June 2020

I’ll say I’m in a pretty good place right now! I hadn’t been anxious at all during this pregnancy, except when COVID first hit and I was nervous what could happen to our baby if I ended up with it. But we’ve stayed healthy and safe and I’m not so anxious anymore. I think mostly I’m nervous about actually giving birth... I have low to zero pain tolerance 😬 even with meds I’m not sure how well I’m going to do.

@animalandplantrescuer @mckjacks you ladies will be great moms! That’s one thing I’m not so anxious about. I’ve wanted to be a mom for so long that I know it will come naturally. Yes it’s going to be hard, but so worth it! 🙂

morethanamama · June 2020

Thanks for starting this! I don't have a history of depression or (diagnosed) anxiety but I think I develop antenetal (is that how it's spelled) anxiety. I'm a generally anxious person, I tend to overthink and over stress about the future. Pregnancy exacerbates it. Every little thing that doesn't go perfectly well sends me into a spiral. I tend to become anxious about my health and think how my kids would feel if something happened to me/my H, etc. Luckily these aren't common feelings and I try to keep them at bay, and they tend to be more common during my pregnancy.

This time I'm also so sad thinking my son won't be an only. My H and I are exceptions in the sense that we are both only children and love it. Our son has been so wonderful to raise! I fear everything will be different. I know it will and it's ok and that your heart expands but it makes me cry to think of all the 1-1 time I'll have to give up.

For those of you ladies anxious about being a good mom, no need to fear, it will come more natural than you think. I don't think I always wanted to be a mom and I didn't even particularly enjoyed some phases that lots of other moms love, yet I feel like I'm good mama to my little and I could not imagine my life any other way.

babycakesday · June 2020

@morethanamama To piggy back on what she said, it comes a lot more naturally than you think it will. Like I remember being terrified to hold other people’s newborns and yet I held her from the Get go with zero hesitation. There will be bad days, but those days don’t make you a bad mom. I liked some phases a whole lot than other phases but we survived and she’s happy and healthy.

My biggest anxiety is coming from why have I made this choice to have another one when DD was perfect. She’s almost 4 and we’re about to take all the attention she’s received for the last few years away. What if so can be a good mom to two kids? What if she hates us for it? With covid, she can’t come to the hospital so she won’t see me for 1-2 days at least and we’ve never ever gone that long away from each other. I also worry no one will be available to take her when I go into labor so then I’ll labor alone.

jgrodo · June 2020

@mckjacks and @animalandplantrescuer I totally get what you're talking about I was so nervous about it with my DS but you hit your stride and then it's like this is my baby and I'm good

@morethanamama and @babycakesday. I feel so similar to how you described. I feel so anxious like will my LO who gets all the 1-1 time be ok and how will we do this with a toddler? They'll be about 20 months apart.

animalandplantrescuer · June 2020

@mamahosch I’m definitely anxious about the birth as a whole. When I had really high anxiety at the beginning of the pregnancy I thought about how it would be if I could just walk into the hospital, pick the baby up, and come home. My anxiety lessened at the thought of that option. I keep trying to remind myself that women have made it through labor since the beginning of time. And many, like some on here, do it again willingly. That last line is my mantra for all of my anxiety related to pregnancy and after. 😂

morethanamama · June 2020

As a STM I know a bit more of what is coming with birth, my mindset right now is mostly "I don't wanna"😂

mckjacks · June 2020

Oof. Don’t even get my started on my anxiety about actually giving birth. I’m super crunchy and I wanted an extremely low intervention birth (my sisters have had multiple home births, but I wouldn’t go that far). And then with twins all that went out the window. 🙃

animalandplantrescuer · June 2020

@mckjacks That’s exactly how I feel. I considered a home birth for about 2 seconds, but I hope to go as natural as possible. I have given myself permission to go whatever route needed to get her out. If that includes an epidural, then so be it.

I have been through 2 long gallbladder attacks, and didn’t seek medical attention with either. Ive read that some say that is worse because you get no breaks and no baby. I’m crossing my fingers that’s the case.

aefsparrow · June 2020

I'm honestly feeling okay.... mostly I'm nervous about my c-section and healing from that, and not dislocating my hip or having a stroke before that. My husband is amazing. I know we'll be alright once the baby comes, but the rest of it... I cant plan, control or fully anticipate. That terrifies me more than anything.

westslopemama · June 2020

Most of my anxiety is around how we will manage with 2 kiddos in our small house. I need to pack up all the stuff that’s currently in our spare bedroom and have DH move it to the garage. Then I need to reorganize the laundry room to put some more storage in there for items that I want to have easier access to. I bought a couple bins to start this process and I will be taking a load of stuff to the thrift store ASAP.

I’m very excited for DS to have a sibling! I’m 38 and will be 39 when the baby is born so I’m just grateful that I was able to get pregnant again! I’m actually looking forward to labor and birth. I really hope to be more mentally prepared this time so that I am able to remain calm throughout the process.

MJDsquared · June 2020

Like others have mentioned, I'm very anxious about DD not being an only anymore. And how to deal with taking care of two kids! I have intense anxiety about the lack of sleep in the newborn phase. I had to wake DD every three hours to feed her because of the low blood sugar issue in the hospital, but she rarely made it three hour stretches without waking up already.

My first birth was soooo easy. The prodromal labor that only happened overnight for like three days prior wasn't, so I got to start out already exhausted from zero sleep, but all those contractions meant by the time I went to the hospital I was 9.5 cm and my water broke on the nurse's hand when she checked me.

Three hours/barely any pushes later, DD was born. (And I got my very much wanted epidural riiiight under the wire.)

So now, because it was so quick, my OB wants to discuss induction. I don't want it. I want my body to be ready and do its thing, but of course they're worried I'll give birth in the car or elevator or something. But I've heard pitocin contractions are even worse, and some people who are induced are in labor for like days. (I know days of labor can happen without inductions, but since that wasn't my experience I'm trying to cling to having a labor like my last one.) Plus I've never been away from DD overnight and I really don't want my first time to be extended because I'm in labor for 57 hours.

ETA I'm actually planning/hoping to give DD to my mom for at least one night, maybe two, sometime this summer before giving birth so the hospital isn't my first overnight away from her. But my last line still stands even if it's only my second overnight away!

carrotsandpeas3 · June 2020

@MJDsquared I was induced with my daughter and had a lot of the same fears. The contractions were awful but I don't have normal contractions to compare them to. They were totally manageable and fine once I got my epidural. I started induction around 8pm and had my daughter at 1pm the next day and was very happy with that! Would have been even quicker, but I sat at 9 cm for about 5 hours. Once I actually started pushing, it took 13 minutes only. Was a great first labor and birth honestly. Sometimes I think we only hear the horror stories, so just wanted to share a positive one about induction!

MJDsquared · June 2020

@carrotsandpeas3 Thank you, that's actually super helpful! 8 pm to 1 pm would definitely be tolerable. I'm glad to hear from someone who wasn't in labor for 24+ hours with an induction because you're right, I only hear the horror stories it seems!

kboydbowman · June 2020

@MJDsquared DO NOT LET THEM INDUCE YOU WITHOUT A MEDICAL INDICATION. Your previous birth was textbook normal labor without interference, why on earth would anyone want to interfere with that?

carrotsandpeas3 · June 2020

@kboydbowman induction for high risk of precipitous labor is considered a medical indication.

kboydbowman · June 2020

I would argue that it's an artificial one. There is absolutely nothing abnormal about the labor she described.

babycakesday · June 2020

@MJDsquared I wasn’t induced but my labor kept stalling and they decided to give me the lowest dose of pitocin to kind of kick start things. Contractions were definitely worse but I labores unmedicated for another five hours after. They also didn’t keep me on the pitocin forever. I did a lot of research and my doctor knew I wanted to go unmedicated as much as possible so we had talked about doing low doses and backing off. I wasn’t in labor for over 24 hours. Two of my friends second labors were induced and they checked in at 5am and delivered before dinner time. I was terrified about being induced but I did it!

My friends first labor was 3 hours long and she walked into the hospital ready to push. Her next two were 13 and 12 hours each so every labor is different. The likelihood of you giving birth in your car is slim plus you’ll know your body a lot more this time around.

@kboydbowman I don’t think the shorty capitals were necessary. I’m sure she’s going to discuss with her doctor the best course of action and both her and her doctor have her and her baby’s health in mind.

morethanamama · June 2020

Of course, discuss with the OB. I will say that I am a non-medical professional but is what happened to @MJDsquared considered precipitous labor? Not questioning, just genuinely interested in knowing what is considered precipitous.

I had irregular contractions for about 10 hours, at which point I was 4cm. Went to the hospital 12 hours after the first contraction and was at 5cm. DS was born 5 hours later. So 17 hours from first contraction to birth.

Birth "story" (TLDR pitocin and no epidural) in the spoiler.

I was induced and I was PISSED. Reason for induction was that when I went to my OB in the morning for a scheduled appointment after having contractions all night (I thought it was not the real thing though), OB told me the baby wasn't moving much and he preferred to have baby out soon. He had moved literally ALL NIGHT. Of course knowing there was even one chance of baby being in distress, I negotiated I would be in the hospital 2 hours later. When I got there, the nurses asked why I was there to be induced when I was already at 5cm. They said baby looked great. So yeah, I was so pissed off! I basically was given the choice of pitocin or go home. Since they were alerted I would be there to be induced and I was all checked in, they either had to do it or send me home. We pushed back as much as possible and in the end I was able to start on the lowest dose. Pitocin contractions to me where absolute HELL for the last 2 hours. The first 3 hours it was fine, although I was having back labor, so that's what made it worse. The last two hours were super painful. I almost changed my mind about the epidural but int he end I was so close I decided to just get it done without it.
I have a new OB this time and I told her I want to avoid an induction at all costs (aka unless medically necessary)and she is 100% supportive. I think if I get induced again, unless things progress very quickly, I will probably get an epidural. I am cringing a bit at the idea of that intense pain, on the other hand it was only 2 hours and it was completely gone afterwards...so I guess in the end, my plan is "winging it" !

kboydbowman · June 2020

@babycakesday Call me cynical, but in today's climate, I find that doctors generally have profit, liability, and their own convience in mind over what's actually good for women and babies. Most interventions are overused and have more chance of harming women and babies than helping them. Which is why the U.S. has some of the highest perinatal and maternal mortality rates in the Western world as well as a C-section rate that is approximately 3 times that which is seen as ideal by the World Health Organization. When you medicalize birth, you turn it into a "problem" to be managed rather than a normative medical process that operates just fine in women without intervention. Which is why most European countries utilize midwives as the first line birth providers, with obstetricians being reserved for women who are actually high risk. And yes, I am a crunchy hippie type, and make no apologies for that. I firmly believe that most Caesareans and inductions are completley unnecessary and increase the likelihood of complications for both women and babies, and the data support me. Routine IVs and routine monitoring increase the likelihood of unnecessary interventions and restrict women to birthing positions that are unnecessary, unproductive, and increase the likelihood of further interventions that are likely to be harmful. Babies come when they come, and how they want to come. 41 weeks, 42 weeks, 43 weeks, all are normal. As are 4 hour labors, 12 hour labors, 24 hour labors, and 48 hour labors. Reclining and lithotomy positions, which most women are restricted to once they agree to augmentation or continuous monitoring, increase the likelihood of both fetal distress (as does augmentation/induction) and C-sections.

babyodo · June 2020

Mentally, I think my anxiety has worsened this week. I feel like my state is heading for another shutdown just as we're about to go to phase 3 of reopening, and although I'm not surprised, it just sucks. My girl friends are hounding me about baby shower plans, and I am so hesitant to commit to anything at this point, but I know that if we don't get stuff secured soon (location, caterer, etc) then it's just like...what's the point, you know? Not just that, but I also feel like we're way behind in preparations for the baby, especially now that we're over the halfway mark. I don't feel ready. Not even close.

And maybe this is better suited for FFFC, but I am terrified of giving birth. Just the whole process frightens me, and I wish I had the confidence to say I am strong enough to do this, but I don't feel like I am. Not only that, but I'm also a little scared about what our life and marriage will be like once we're parents. We'll never have things the way they are now again, and I'm grieving that a little bit. We're incredibly blessed, spoiled even, and I'm worried that life on the other side of this pregnancy is going to be so vastly different from what we have now and I don't want to resent MH or my LO for that. It's just a lot to process, and I'm pretty sure that this is where a lot of my anxious feelings are coming from. Add to that all of what is going on in the world (global pandemic, racial tensions, presidential elections, etc) and I'm ready to just hide under the covers.

kalesix3 · June 2020

@morethanamama I've always been told precipitous labor is a birth after 3/5 hours max of labor. I've never heard that days of prodromal labor result in precipitous births.. because technically prodromal labor is labor..
If you can have prodromal AND precipitous labor I'm really happy to know it because I've been under the impression that you can't have both and if that's wrong I'd like to educate myself more!

MJDsquared · June 2020

I had to Google precipitous labor. I wouldn't really consider it precipitous labor just because I started having overnight contractions on Christmas (or Christmas Eve?), but they were 7 minutes apart. Then they would stop in the morning. Sometimes during the day I'd have like 2-5 contractions 7 minutes apart. Repeat overnight contractions every night that were too far apart and would stop in the morning. The night of the 27th, I was having contractions 7ish minutes apart. We took a walk, they sped way up. Sat down and drank water and they slowed down again. But when we went to bed at like 10 or so, I was in a lot of pain and DH convinced me to call.

I think this time I won't try so hard to hold off on calling. I was very worried about going to the hospital and being sent home. Although it's much harder logistically this time since we have a kid to think about (which is another thing my OB mentioned), I'd be more okay with going in for a false alarm.

My OB mentioned possible induction at our very first appointment in February. Since then, because of COVID, I haven't seen her. At that appointment she said we'd revisit and talk seriously about it in August. So I'm definitely going to make my opinion clear but I'll also listen to her. DH just wants to do the induction because he's super anxious, buuuut he's also not the one who has to give birth, so I'll take it into consideration, but ultimately it's up to me!

kboydbowman · June 2020

@babyodo I totally understand those fears and share some of them. I also worry about financial impact!

kalesix3 · June 2020

@MJDsquared do you know why contractions spaced out during the day, did the doctor have any insight?
I had a similar experience, without a happy ending to my birth, and my provider doubted I was actually in labor when I was pushing because it just didn't "look real".
I'm really upset about it, and I don't know what I'll do if I have another labor like that.. so I'm always happy to hear from other people whose contractions maybe took a less traditional approach.

MJDsquared · June 2020

@kalesix3 No, I don't know. I told the story of what had happened but I didn't ask why it happened and they didn't offer any insight.

animalandplantrescuer · June 2020

@babyodo You pretty much explained most of my anxieties exactly in your whole post. And as far as being ready we haven’t bought one thing yet to be ready. I just started the registry this last week. I think the halfway mark really hit me too. But know you’re not alone.

I think also the fact that I get told conflicting opinions, as fact, on pregnancy and after doesn’t help. I feel we’re damned if we do damned if we don’t.

carrotsandpeas3 · June 2020

@kboydbowman we are going to disagree about a number of things and that's okay. I just want to counteract a few of your points and say that there is clear evidence of increased risk of stillbirth after 41 weeks, which is why most practices induce at some point. Maybe it's natural to go past 41 but you could equally argue stillbirth is natural and I would still like to minimize that risk. In the same vein, there was a new breakthrough paper supporting decreased risk of c section in FTMs induced at 39 weeks. However, most OBs that I know have not adopted that strategy yet as it seems extreme.

As far as the precipitous labor question, it is not clear that the labor described is clearly precipitous, but I can only guess that would be what the OB was thinking in suggesting induction. A good discussion with the doc to make a decision they are both comfortable with is definitely in order.

In the end, I hope we can all make decisions that we are comfortable with, and I would especially hope that this mental health thread could be focused on supporting each other and our decisions.

kboydbowman · June 2020

@carrotsandpeas3 yes, we will have to disagree, because I can show you studies that indicate the risk of stillbirth is only minimally increased if there are no other complications after 41 weeks but that there is ABSOLUTELY an increase in complications and adverse outcomes in inducing labor prior to the natural onset of same.

babycakesday · June 2020

@kboydbowman You’re totally entitled to feel that way and to have that opinion. The issue I take of how you addressed it. It can lead to shaming. I’m hoping as we all get closer to giving birth we can keep this as a safe space where no one feels shamed for whatever choice they make. You can share your opinion without needing to resort to the shouty capitals. As someone who Before having kids was super crunchy and had close crunchy friends, when my birth plan went haywire I lost a lot of them because a few them told me I didn’t have a real labor or give real birth so how you’re saying things is going to rub me the wrong way.

carrotsandpeas3 · June 2020

@kboydbowman okay agree to disagree. I could provide studies in the opposite viewpoint as well but it is up to each of us to decide for ourselves. Shouting at us in one direction is pretty condescending to be honest, in addition to starting your rebuttal with criticizing my profession as being about profit, liability, and convenience over that of patients well being. I never would have put 12+ years of my life and more time and debt than is imaginable into it if those were my reasons instead of wanting to take care of people front and center. Frankly it makes me incredibly sad for people to think that. I'm glad you have established a viewpoint and made decisions that you are comfortable with in your pregnancy, but there is no need to criticize the rest of us along the way.

AB518 · June 2020

@kboydbowman Studies are great, but not everyone will have the same set of circumstances. I think that everyone should choose a trusted healthcare provider, so they're on the same page when it comes to making decisions together. I found your post to be more harmful than helpful.

@carrotsandpeas3 I think that you mentioned something about graduating residency soon in another thread. Congratulations! I am thankful that there are people who are dedicated to putting the time and effort to go into medicine.

AB518 · June 2020

@babyodo I had many of the same feelings prior to DS. It also reminded me of the moment when I was in the hospital, and I just wished that my baby could magically leave my belly. Obviously, I knew that wasn't possible. You are probably stronger than you think.

morethanamama · June 2020

I can absolutely as we your point @carrotsandpeas3 and I personally do often say how health insurance is a business BUT I am of course thankful for doctors and nurses and science and people in healthcare! Even when I don't agree with their decision like with my previous OB, I think it was a case in which I didn't even feel heard and he did absolutely nothing to compromise. I still think I'll never know if I truly needed the induction, baby and I were safe in the end and I got 85% of the experience I wanted!

Ultimately my plan is, make a plan and prepare to throw it out the window! Advocate for yourself, always, do as much research as you can, and make decisions based on what's best for you and your family. Documentaries are great education but they tend to be biased one way or another so it's good to take things with a grain of salt too.

For those anxious about giving birth, it's totally normal to be and it's easier said than done that "your body knows what to do"... however, it's true! I always try to think that the pain of labor and childbirth is not forever, in my case it literally disappeared as baby came out!

carrotsandpeas3 · June 2020

@AB518 yes, I actually graduated (virtually) today. 🎉 Sorry to get so riled up in what I hope to keep as a positive thread!

baseballismyfavoriteseason · June 2020

To echo and add on to what @morethanamama says about delivery... I have probably the lowest pain tolerance you can imagine. I am a giant wimp. Seriously. I was terrified of giving birth for this reason. I did not believe I was strong enough. I pretty much resigned myself to “as natural as possible but I will end up with an epidural.” It amazes me, looking back, my body knew what to do—when I needed to change position, try something new like the rocker or the tub, etc. I took one childbirth class one weekend and that was it. I did, for most of it, have the help of an amazing labor nurse, but my husband was not much help. 😂 When I finally asked for an epidural, the anesthesiologist arrived, inserted it, and before it kicked in, I had my first urge to push. I MADE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH LABOR WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT. Believe me, if I am strong enough, you are too.

jgrodo · June 2020

@MJDsquared I was induced and so nervous to be but honestly wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. There were other medications I wasgwas prior to pitocin to help me progress. So while technically it was like 27 hrs from when I was induced to delivery, once I had progressed to being ready for pitocin to delivery was I think 5 hrs. I didn't have the epidural until after the pitocin and if I am induced again I would ideally have them at the same time.

@carrotsandpeas3 congrats!!!

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