FTM Adjustment

csardaszz · April 2020

I wanted to start a discussion about the transition and cognitive shift from being a lady without kids to being a mother.

How are you other FTMs feeling about this shift in identity? How did you STM(+)s handle this huge life changing event?

I always figured at some point I would want to have a kid, and this pregnancy was very much a conscious decision. I feel like I should be more excited about it, but I’m not. It just doesn’t seem very tangible yet. Yes, the nausea and having to pee a zillion times a day is pretty tangible, but knowing that I’m growing a human without seeing it or feeling it is strange and new.

lurvleybunchococonuts · April 2020

@csardaszz it's hard. Once I started to feel DD moving and I got bigger/visibly pregnant it became much more "real" to me.

I was diagnosed PPD a few months after DD was born and it was a big adjustment/conscious effort to refind myself. I knew who I was and what I enjoyed prebaby. But once baby was here she was so all consuming that was my focus 24/7 and I felt like I lost myself. Any free time I had I would spend napping or trying to catch up on chores. And I felt like all of a sudden all I was was "mom" and no longer "me". Slowly over time I refound the things I enjoy doing and was able to start to reencorportate them into my day to day activities. Even simple things like painting my toenails! But I had to very consciously say this is me time and let MH take over (more like tell MH you have baby do not disturb me). My PCP advised not to set 'me time' around baby nap time or stay up later. It took a lot of learning to let go and trusting MH. As she's gotten older it's been a lot easier cause she'll independently play now and we're no longer BFing. But exclusively pumping for a year while working full time and a FTM is HARD especially those first few months.

Also you find new ways to enjoy the things that make you "you" but in different ways. Like I LOVE to read but don't ever have time to actually sit and read a book, so now I listen to audiobooks in the car and it's great!

name1109 · April 2020

@csardaszz I read you post a couple hours ago and have been thinking about how to answer. We had our first when we were close to 31. I often referred to her as a parasite. Most of my life to that point had been “dont F’ing get pregnant” or negative thoughts about being a mom or mother. So maybe not you. I struggled with bonding in utero with #1. I felt the mechanics of baby. I kept thinking okay when is this baby glow coming? When am I going to love this motherhood experience. Everyone’s journey is different. For me it was a struggle in my mind to accept pregnancy despite REALLY wanting her. I remember she was born and thinking who the hell is that.

I did have PPD/PPA/something after having her. I’m the oldest of six kids so for me again the mechanics of baby weren’t a problem.

Babydom for me wasn’t this magical time. For my first sister it is. She LOVES pregnancy. She loves spending every waking minute with her babe. For me at the end of my maternity leave I was DYING to go to work. I had zero mom guilt. My daughter was in capable hands and was loved. For me childcare is part of my village and I felt more balanced for it.

Maybe some of this is you...maybe this is just my minutes. I would just say cherish the good with the bad. Someone said to me every age has good and bad. And that helped.

The other question I think you’re saying is how drastically does your life change. Yes it’s a pain in the a$$ to remember the 18 million other things baby needs. Or leaving your shoe in the back seat to remember baby. For me, motherhood isn’t the rainbows and butterflies it’s made out to be. I felt going from zero to one was the most challenging change. We tried to keep doing much of what we did before but as others said, it’s sometimes about being flexible and changing the way you do things. I bought a tablet and would read while nursing.

All this being said, we’re expecting our fourth little girl (I’m “old” now and took the NIPT the second I could). I love our independent little ladies. I love the chaos and life we have. I’ve accepted it takes an hour plus to get in the car, that you leave stupid early for flights or to pack food for hungry people or anticipate where to stop for potty breaks. Life changed a lot but we still take them out for dinner, we still go and do things. We might ok will have a sh*t show but they learn that way too.

kitkatz1990 · April 2020

So for me, when I had my first I was pretty young. I turned 22 the day after I had him, and I had graduated from college 2 months before that. I felt pretty isolated, because I could no longer really relate to any of my friends. I felt awkward when we would talk because I felt like I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. Even though I was lonely, I do really miss those days of just him and I hanging out all day! It’s so special when it’s your first. I also have lots of supportive family around me on both sides so that helps too! Everything definitely wasn’t butterflies and rainbows, I remember thinking a few days after he was born “ok, this has been fun but when is his real mom coming to get him?” Lol. It was overwhelming to realize that that was it and that was my life now and there’s no escape, no break. Also, my anxiety came out in full force and hasn’t gone away since. With all that being said if I had the chance to relive it, I would! There is something so special about that time with your first baby. As far as the pregnancy feeling real, that didn’t really happen for me with either pregnancy until I found out the gender and started feeling movement. I’m guessing it will be the same this time around. Until you get that big bump and feel those kicks, it’s just such an abstract concept.

csardaszz · April 2020

@lurvleybunchococonuts Painting toenails is crucial to feeling good! It’s so important to not lose your identity completely to mommyhood. Thank you for the assurance that it doesn’t have to be that way!

@name1109 I can relate to a lot of what you shared! I’ve been making an effort to bond with baby by talking and singing, but it feels so forced. I’m hoping that if I keep it up it will feel a bit more natural. ...I’ll have to remember your shoe trick!

@kitkatz1990 That sounds like such a challenging time, it’s good you had supportive family around. My family lives out of state and SO’s family is in another country. Hopefully by November someone will be able to visit.

krystrist2014 · April 2020

@csardaszz I totally get what you mean about things feeling forced right now. I remember with my DD trying to talk to her while she was in the womb at about 4 or 5 months pregnant, like just trying to acknowledge her presence within me and I felt weird and definitely like I was forcing things. Even after I gave birth, I remember feeling that forced feeling.

Specifically, I remember taking her for her first pediatric appointment and seeing another mom in the waiting room talking to her infant who was laying in the car seat, just talking to him like he could understand and I remember thinking, “oh geez, am I supposed to be talking to her like that already?! If I am not talking to her like that is the pediatrician going to think I’m a bad mom? But, I don’t want to talk to her like that because she’s a freaking newborn and that feels stupid. Does that make me a bad mom?!” I just needed more time to get comfortable and I look back now and can kind of laugh at myself. I was definitely talking to her like that within a few months, but it just took a bit of time.

Becoming a mom was definitely an adjustment, but I have to say, I am one of those people that truly loved and enjoyed it. I honestly feel that it was not very difficult for me because I allowed myself to go with the flow and maintain most of my regular life, regardless of motherhood. MH and I had a habit of going to restaurants often and we chose not to curtail that at all after she was born. We enjoy going out and strolling around malls and outlets often, so we kept doing that. We love seeing movies in the theater so we kept going every weekend and I would just wear the baby in a carrier, ensure we had pacis and bottles, and sat at the end of an aisle and close to an exit. She would always just sleep and maybe wake up for a bottle but I was always able to just pop it in her mouth quickly before she fussed much so no one in the theater was disturbed. Being able to see movies with her stopped around 7 months when she started being more alert and active and needed more entertaining - but then we were able to start taking her to see kids movies in theaters about 2 months before she turned 2 (when Moana came out). I also traveled with her a lot as I have family all over the place. Being able to fly and drive with her made me feel like I didn’t have to stop my life for a baby and that helped the transition a lot.

She’s 5 now and to this day, I don’t schedule my weekend around nap times or anything like that. I get why some parents do, but that just wasn’t for me.

acdc1109 · April 2020

The weirdest thing for me was that we spent so much time preparing for the baby and then BOOM...in the matter of a few hours I went from being pregnant to having this tiny human who needed everything from me. It was just amazing to me how one second I'm not a parent and the next I was. It's a huge adjustment in such a short span of time. We were much better prepared the second time around but it's still very overwhelming until you get to know your baby better. I'll second that we didn't really have much of a schedule in the beginning, but we kinda do now. It's very flexible because I find it easier to just go with the flow vs. having a strict schedule and my kid having a meltdown because things aren't the way they're supposed to be. I do think schedules and routines are important for your sanity, just not so strict that you let your kids schedule control your life!

kitkatz1990 · April 2020

@krystrist2014 we are the same way when it comes to not scheduling our lives around the baby’s schedule. We still went to restaurants and out shopping whenever we felt like it too, and started taking both kids to movies around 2. They are excellent movie-goers now at 5 and 7, lol. We were even able to take them to Avengers: Endgame last year (when they were 4 and 6) and they weren’t disruptive at all during the entire 3 hour movie. I definitely think it helps if you continue on with the things you like to do and just bring baby with you.

surlyjaneausten · April 2020

I think these are great questions to ask! I struggled with PPA and didn’t realize it for months. I didn’t seek therapy until my baby was about eight months old. The anxiety made it hard for me to leave him with anyone, even my mom sometimes. I often saw my husband or anyone who questioned me or who I perceived as questioning me to be an enemy. I was acting out of fear and was terrified of my baby getting hurt or dying. It sounds morbid now but it really was a constant, panic inducing fear. I ended up getting marriage counseling too and it helped more than I could’ve imagined. There was a lot of resentment centered around breastfeeding and the freedom my husband had and that I no longer did. I guess I’m sharing this to let others know that if you have thoughts like “maybe I should see someone about this,” YOU SHOULD!! There’s no shame and a world of good to gain.

csardaszz · April 2020

I’m more of a go-with-the-flow type of person, and SO tends to prefer structure, so it will be interesting how things shake out in the day-to-day. We like to go to concerts... I’d better start researching hearing protection for babies... and maybe stay away from the metal festivals for a couple of years. 🤘🏼😂

name1109 · April 2020

@csardaszz I think the biggest thing is it’s your family. Do you but if you need help get help. I like to travel, go places...I’ve just packed up babes and gone. People might look at me like I have fifteen heads but it’s me. So be it scheduling date night twice a month, flying solo with three kids, breakfast at a fancy restaurant...I’m gonna do it. Children aren’t to be shamed in my opinion. I’ve been shamed by others...but meh. It’s our family 🤣🤣🤣❤️🥰

crizz13 · May 2020

I was 30 when I had my first and it was a HUGE change going from 0-1. I definitely didn't feel super connected to my daughter before she was born. I also didn't have the RUSH of immediate love at first sight when she was born due to her delivery circumstances...and both of those things are OK. She's five now and literally one of my favorite people on this planet.

For me the biggest shift has been the mental/emotional overload of being a mom. In my family I'm the default parent https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-default-parent_b_6031128 and it has changed everything. Continuing to work has actually been good for me - it allowed me to still be "me" outside of being someone's mom.

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