Upset with self after emergency c section

AlexisJoy92 · March 2020

I posted this in the c section group but it doesn’t really seem active so I thought I’d try here not sure if anyone still checks this page wish I had been able to go on to the private group because I’m feeling pretty alone in this right now I had my daughter via emergency c section on 03/03/2020 I was 41w and 3d I went into labor that morning around 1-1:30ish am and labored for 22hrs the plan was a water birth at a birth center with no meds at 2:30a the contractions became painful enough that I could no longer sleep from that point they were 3-6minutes apart for the rest of the day I had two cervical checks one at 8a and then at 4:30p both times I was told she was head down at 7:30p my water broke and it had meconium in it at 9p we did the 3rd cervical check and at this point was told she was breech and they were required to transfer me to the hospital if a breech baby is discovered prior to delivery I was 7cm at this point I waited at the center for their midwife director to confirm she was breech before the transfer and after she confirmed I had to be driven to the closest hospital which was my 4th car ride while in labor I arrived at 10:55p and she was brought into this world at 11:46p that night a happy healthy baby girl I’m so happy she’s here and healthy but I can’t think about that night without hating myself and feeling like a failure I know many women have c sections for many different reasons and I don’t mean to be insensitive to anyone who has had one but for me I tried so hard to bring her into this world as natural as possible and it ended up being the exact opposite of everything I envisioned I had one of the hardest days of my life laboring to bring her into this world I don’t feel like I brought her into this world I feel like someone else had to finish the job for me I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this here I just don’t really feel like Ive been able to talk about it to anyone other than her father and needed to get it off my chest

mandk1233 · March 2020

@AlexisJoy92 I am so sorry your birth experience wasn't what you hoped it would be. Be gentle with yourself and know that you did the best you could for yourself and your little one. Also don't hesitate to seek out professional support if you need it.

mandk1233 · March 2020

Also, I know the disappointment that comes with needing a csection and I at least had some time to get used to the idea. I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be for you needing an emergency one.

fallonpartyfor2 · March 2020

@AlexisJoy92 Please be kind to yourself. You did everything that was best for you and your baby at the time! Just snuggle your little one and remember you're doing everything right.

foreveronyourside · March 2020

Echoing what @mandk1233 said regarding talking to a professional. What I want to tell you is that I'm very sorry your birth didn't go the way you planned it to go. THANK THE HEAVENS your baby was born safe and that we have modern medicine that acted so quickly to help bring her into this world! Having a C section is absolutely NOTHING you did wrong! They had to do whatever necessary to keep you and your sweet little babe safe.
I think the hormones after birth are incredibly hard to deal with - wowza. I cried a lot for 2 weeks but it gets better. You've been through so much! Sending you creepy internet hugs. Congratulations on your sweet little babe. Try not to dwell on how she got here, just the fact that she is HERE, alive, and well.
Take care of yourself dear.

DDRRT1982 · March 2020

It’s always great to get feelings off your chest. I am glad you came here to do it and I hope we can help you feel better. I am sorry you have such big emotions surrounding the csection, but there is nothing you could of done to prevent her flipping. Instead you were strong and did the right thing by birthing her in a safe environment. Please be easy on yourself and I hope you feel better about the situation soon.

rebornlotus · March 2020

I had to have my daughter via a planned c section because she was breeched. If I had to do it again, I completely would. I have recovered well and get to spend an extra 2 weeks with my baby before I have to go to work.

I'm sorry you are having those feelings. It sounds like you are a fantastic mom who did what she had to do to ensure her baby is healthy. If the feelings continue I would suggest seeing a therapist. Many of them do teletherapy now, which might be easier with a newborn, especially with the corona virus stuff happening. Best of luck. And remind yourself daily that you are a good mom because you will do what needs to be done for the health of your baby.

kbrinks2 · March 2020

I’m sorry to hear about your disappointment with your delivery! It’s hard when you have a specific plan in mind and it doesn’t happen how you pictured! I’m glad you and your baby are okay!
And I agree that if you are still feeling down and can’t seem to shake it then make sure you talk to a professional about it! congratulations on your little bundle!

sassypants2010 · March 2020

You are allowed to mourn ther loss of getting ther birth you wanted. It may take some time but you will come to terms with the fact that you did what was best for baby so she was healthy. You are still a warrior momma who should feel pride in ther fact that you brought life into the world.

misstree5 · March 2020

I am sorry you didnt get the birth you wanted. It is hard to accept that this thing you planned for changed and was out of your control. I promise some day you will be ok with it. You have a healthy happy girl, and that was the objective of giving birth. C section is still giving birth! I actually think you are even stronger, because you were exhausted before going into the c section, and STILL have to heal from a major surgery, AND care for a new born.
I hope you can find some comfort in our words. *hugs*

noxacanthus · March 2020

I have a very similar story. I was induced at 41 weeks and after 26 hours of labor, at 7 cm, the baby entered fetal distress and I had an emergency c section. Immediately after the birth I felt like a failure for not giving birth on my own; someone else had to pull my daughter out of me. I am a couple weeks farther along the recovery process than you (baby was born on Valentines Day), and it really just took time to grieve the loss of a "real birth experience". Right now I look at it as "I'd rather have my daughter here via c section than stillborn via natural birth" which is what the alternative was. People under estimate just how hard a c section is and how lonely and isolating the recovery can be. You just had major surgery, you still have to take care of a newborn, you can't drive and can barely walk, and it feels like you'll never be normal again because of how slow the recovery is. Your feelings are completely valid.

Swiftlet · March 2020

I’m so sorry it didn’t go as planned, but you are NOT any less of a mother because of it

doodleoodle · March 2020

It is not your fault. The great majority of OBs don’t know how to deliver breech babies. I had to have a c section with my first because she was breech. I mourned having to have a c section because I like you, was planning on an unmedicated birth. The thing about motherhood is that it seldom goes as planned. We are all just doing our best. You did your best. You should be proud of how long you were able to endure. You did absolutely everything you could and agreeing to a c section likely saved your baby’s life.

AlexisJoy92 · March 2020

Thankyou to all of you for your responses it means a lot to hear your encouragement ❤️

rikiteacup · April 2020

I remember you. We had the same due date. I am so sorry you didn't get the birth you wanted. Please, when you get time, make sure you process this with the help of a professional if needed. I had a friend in the same situation: birth center that ended up in an emergency c-section. It's been 6 years for her and what really helped was talking to a professional about the grief of a "natural" birth.
Just know that delivering via c-section is one way to deliver a baby. A vaginal birth isn't more "real" or more "natural". The most important is the outcome: a healthy baby and mom. And this is what happened.

Upset with self after emergency c section

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