STM here with EDD May 12. I am really nervous about relying on my partner for labor and delivery this time around because the first time it felt like he made everything about him and what he wanted (he threw a fit when they asked him to sit while performing my epidural, he thought there were too many people in the delivery room during pushing so he just stood in the corner and I felt pretty abandoned). I was induced with our first and so there was a lot of waiting around for things to happen, he would leave periodically to let the dog out (we were new to the area with no friends/family to help us out) or go get food, etc. My family has since moved to be closer to us and so we have extra support to help with our household while we are in the hospital and in the weeks following.
I love my husband and I don't want anyone to pass judgement that he is a POS because he is not, we all deal with stressful situations differently. We went through birthing classes but since we didn't have a typical labor situation due to the induction and me getting an epidural super early, he didn't have to coach me through any contractions or anything like that. He was also very upset after DD came out that the doctors cut the cord first and then offered for him to cut a clamped section of the cord. He refused to do it and told them that they already ruined the experience because of the symbolism of detaching baby from mom. Since this is our second baby, we aren't taking any classes so I'm not sure how to hit the reset button to where we can go into this with a positive mindset. Obviously we need to have a conversation but how do I go about it without making him feel like he's a problem? Worst case scenario he says he doesn't want to be in the delivery room, and I want him there and I want him supportive. As I'm typing this out, I feel like that's my answer (just tell him that I want him there and I want him supportive), but I'm still open to suggestions. Help!
Re: Partner Support During Labor
Also, it is my understanding that many hospitals do not allow the father to cut the cord. MH was not given the option either - they gave him a piece to cut after it was clamped. He should prepare himself again.
Have you thought about a Doula? That would be my suggestion beyond talking to YH about expectations and needs during labor.
- BFP: 3/10/16 — Baby Girl born 11/20/16
TTC#2 April 2019I would also consider another class anyway, a refresher course for second time parents.
I was excited my husband got to cut the cord, but we did home birth, so there's a lot of choices and very few regulations.
DH: 32
Married 7/18/15
1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
Team green turned BLUE!
2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18
Team green turned PINK!
Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
From my experience with my first: I had a well thought out birth plan that I gave my doctor and brought a copy to the hospital. Everyone was very nice and managed to take it without rolling their eyes at me. Labor went nothing like I thought it would, the birth plan was totally out the window, and 27 hours later, all i cared about was that my baby was delivered safely. Luckily, MH was a champ and there for me every single moment. He never left my side, not even to eat. It was never about him or what he wanted. It was about baby and me getting through it safely. That's how a birth partner should be. It can, and should, be about both parents once the baby is born. But until that happens, it is mom's medical event and dad needs to play a supporting role.
OP I think a doula is a great idea if YH will go for it. But since he didn't like having many people in the room while pushing, that might be a hard sell.
After the fact, he told me that the hardest part for him was watching me be in pain (pre-epidural) and trying to accept that it was a good thing. That might be something to consider for all of our partners: they love us and it’s probably hard for them to watch us go through labor.
With my first delivery DD was sunny-side up and the doula was so amazing with lower back pressure and general encouragement. I would one thousand percent endorse a doula for anyone -- their entire reason for being in the room is to support you and they have seen whatever is happening before. Plus they aren't in love with you and/or panicking.
MH had a very hard time watching me be in pain, but stayed by my side the whole way through. He kept my phone and text back and forth with family to keep them in the loop, held me up when I got my epidural and let me cry in his shoulder when I was told I had to have a c-section. And for a man that had never changed a diaper in his life, he stepped up to the plate and changed tons of diapers and became an amazing dad. This time, we have an autistic almost 5 year old to take into consideration. H will be with me through the CS and after, but will not sleep over with me. In the evening, he's picking up S and bringing him to the hospital to meet his sister then he'll go home so DS gets to sleep at home. Next day he'll take him to school and do the same thing all over again. It will suck to not have him with DD and I, but it's the best option for our little man.
Once DD was born and we were moved to our room he was great with diaper changes and swaddling. He woke up overnight when I would feed her and then he would burp her or just hold her on his chest for awhile. It was so sweet.
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020