Partner Support During Labor

treble-steph

STM here with EDD May 12. I am really nervous about relying on my partner for labor and delivery this time around because the first time it felt like he made everything about him and what he wanted (he threw a fit when they asked him to sit while performing my epidural, he thought there were too many people in the delivery room during pushing so he just stood in the corner and I felt pretty abandoned). I was induced with our first and so there was a lot of waiting around for things to happen, he would leave periodically to let the dog out (we were new to the area with no friends/family to help us out) or go get food, etc. My family has since moved to be closer to us and so we have extra support to help with our household while we are in the hospital and in the weeks following.

I love my husband and I don't want anyone to pass judgement that he is a POS because he is not, we all deal with stressful situations differently. We went through birthing classes but since we didn't have a typical labor situation due to the induction and me getting an epidural super early, he didn't have to coach me through any contractions or anything like that. He was also very upset after DD came out that the doctors cut the cord first and then offered for him to cut a clamped section of the cord. He refused to do it and told them that they already ruined the experience because of the symbolism of detaching baby from mom. Since this is our second baby, we aren't taking any classes so I'm not sure how to hit the reset button to where we can go into this with a positive mindset. Obviously we need to have a conversation but how do I go about it without making him feel like he's a problem? Worst case scenario he says he doesn't want to be in the delivery room, and I want him there and I want him supportive. As I'm typing this out, I feel like that's my answer (just tell him that I want him there and I want him supportive), but I'm still open to suggestions. Help!

ruby696

@treble-steph That sounds incredibly stressful. I'm sure YH is great in a lot of ways, but honestly, your labor is not about him. His job is to support you, not cause you stress and distract you from laboring. I would very seriously consider discussing your first delivery and fears re: your upcoming delivery with YH and a counselor/therapist. It sounds like he needs some help seeing your POV and an unbiased third person might open his eyes a bit. I don't think you can have a meaningful conversation without telling him that his behavior was unacceptable, unhelpful, and frankly, childish. I mean, I guess you can ease into it by telling him that you really need him to support you this time and give him examples when he doesn't know what you're talking about. 🤷‍♀️ 

Also, it is my understanding that many hospitals do not allow the father to cut the cord. MH was not given the option either - they gave him a piece to cut after it was clamped. He should prepare himself again.

m6agua

Hi and welcome. I see you have intro'd and hope that you continue to post and get to know us beyond this personal question.

Have you thought about a Doula? That would be my suggestion beyond talking to YH about expectations and needs during labor.

pourmeanothermocktail

My doula really helped show my husband how to be supportive, plus took over when he needed a break (31 hour labor here, the the intense part where I needed lots of support was still 11 hours!) for food or a nap. 

I would also consider another class anyway, a refresher course for second time parents. 

I was excited my husband got to cut the cord, but we did home birth, so there's a lot of choices and very few regulations. 

pirateduck

I think you can talk to him about the upcoming baby and your hopes and expectations for labor and beyond without talking negatively of your past experience.  Just say you learned a lot the first time and you hope this time goes differently and some things that would help you are xyz.  Also ask what he hopes for is different too.  Husbands have their own expectations of the birth experience, which may or may not be realistic, and may or may not align with our own.  Just the other day I made a comment how in a few months my husband will be sitting right in that chair with our baby in his arms and he said no that's my job in the beginning and he can't touch a child until it's less fragile and I said I'd need help.  But this is just one of many examples of different expectations and fears we have about newborns or birth or becoming parents and being afraid of messing it up but also being afraid of feeling like we don't have the help/support of our partner.  It's important to talk through these things because we aren't always on the same page.  I would talk about the birth expectations prior to a doctors appointment because then you can discuss any issues with the doctor or nurse (a third party) prior to the day the baby is born.  Clearly last time your husband had an expectation about cord cutting that somehow wasn't in line with hospital policy.  Doctors and nurses have been there for many births and can offer suggestions of different ways that different couples have dealt with things and you may find some good common ground there.  Make your birth plan together, know which things you both may be able to compromise on when the time comes and what things are non-negotiable.

ruby696

I think it's really important that husbands understand that child birth is a major medical event. Everyone needs to get on board and do what it takes to keep mom and baby as safe as possible. 

From my experience with my first: I had a well thought out birth plan that I gave my doctor and brought a copy to the hospital. Everyone was very nice and managed to take it without rolling their eyes at me. Labor went nothing like I thought it would, the birth plan was totally out the window, and 27 hours later, all i cared about was that my baby was delivered safely. Luckily, MH was a champ and there for me every single moment. He never left my side, not even to eat. It was never about him or what he wanted. It was about baby and me getting through it safely. That's how a birth partner should be.  It can, and should, be about both parents once the baby is born. But until that happens, it is mom's medical event and dad needs to play a supporting role. 

OP I think a doula is a great idea if YH will go for it. But since he didn't like having many people in the room while pushing, that might be a hard sell. 

pirateduck

For other second time moms, what are ways you have found that your husband could support you through labor/delivery?  

randic22

@ruby696 that's a bummer about most hospitals not allowing actual cord cutting. DH was really looking forward to that.

ruby696

@randic22 I would make sure to tour your hospital and ask what options he has on the tour. Maybe they would let him help clamp? Or maybe your hospital allows it and it won't be an issue.

soprano19

@pirateduck my H is great in a crisis or major medical situation. He was calm driving the 45 minutes to the hospital, helping me get checked in through emergency, and all the way through delivery. During labor he would apply counterpressure to my back when I asked, and during pushing he held my head up and told me what was happening as DD was coming out. They offered to have him cut the cord, which he did, and he happily held DD while I was delivering the placenta and getting stitched up. Once we were settled in recovery and things had calmed down, he left with his brother for a little bit to go get me a McFlurry, lol. He also did all of the paperwork signing and everything so I didn’t have to deal with it while still very much recovering.

After the fact, he told me that the hardest part for him was watching me be in pain (pre-epidural) and trying to accept that it was a good thing. That might be something to consider for all of our partners: they love us and it’s probably hard for them to watch us go through labor.

ruby696

@pirateduck MH was also really big on doing all the parenting things after our kids were born. He also held our babies while I was getting stitched up. He went with DS when they took him out of the room while I was getting my c-section incision stitched and he took DS away when I started falling asleep while holding  him (27 hrs of labor is exhausting) and held him for the two hours I was out. He did skin to skin, he changed diapers, we slept in shifts so someone was always holding the baby. He also filled out all the paperwork, made sure the nurses got gifts, and went to the nurses station any time I needed anything. He got really offended when a nurse walked in and gave him a hard time for doing skin to skin with DD when we were trying to keep her body temp up - I guess because moms have more fat/warmth?  He was very capable "of keeping his own daughter warm." He also held my barf bags and to this day has never brought up the fact that I pooped during labor. There are so many ways husbands can be amazing and feel like they're part of the experience that are separate from what happens during labor, but are still so important.

mamaj1220

@pirateduck DF was there with me through the whole process too from the start of the induction on and I really think he felt it was his job to tell them what I needed at that time (it was sweet). The only time he wasn't with me was when I made him go get lunch with his dad in cafeteria because things were slow moving and I knew it was going to be a bit. He went down and they broke my water and he was mad I let them without him there, I also had the nurse with me during the epidural because it was right after they broke my water, and he couldn't break the sterile field once they started (again he was upset he wasn't there). During active labor he helped so much, he was the one holding the oxygen on my face and keeping me focused (I ended up being most comfortable and able to push in a strange position so my mom held my leg while he was with me). After birth he cut the cord and was with DS1 while they did the first testing and bath. He was a real partner through it all of it and honestly like i have said before I think enjoys the infant stage more than me. One of my favorite pictures to this day was taken while I was napping and he was doing skin to skin with DS. 

allie456

@treble-steph I second @ruby696's suggestion of a counselor. That sounds traumatizing and it wasn't that long ago. I know if that was MH we would need help working through that.

With my first delivery DD was sunny-side up and the doula was so amazing with lower back pressure and general encouragement. I would one thousand percent endorse a doula for anyone -- their entire reason for being in the room is to support you and they have seen whatever is happening before. Plus they aren't in love with you and/or panicking.

jrouge12

Oh man. I feel like I need to add that not all partners can handle the L&D part and that's ok too. DH has never been good with medical things (needles, blood, etc.) and I knew. With DD I knew I wanted an epidural and they told him at the labor class that he'd have to hold my leg. DH told me right away he just couldn't do that. So I told the nurses when I was in labor he was out as a helper. So through 1.5 hours of pushing, two nurses held my legs, and DH sat by my head facing the wall/floor, patting my shoulder and saying things like "good job", "you can do it". If I ever was not happy with the situation it all melted away when I saw his face as he held DD for the first time. 

ruby696

@jrouge12 I think it's great that you knew that ahead of time and could plan for it. That would be a great situation for a doula, for those that can swing the cost.

splashmountain

OP sorry you had a bad experience with your first. I agree that counceling and a doula are great options. Be open and honest with your H and hopefully you 2 can come to a mutual understanding of what's expected on both sides.

MH had a very hard time watching me be in pain, but stayed by my side the whole way through. He kept my phone and text back and forth with family to keep them in the loop, held me up when I got my epidural and let me cry in his shoulder when I was told I had to have a c-section. And for a man that had never changed a diaper in his life, he stepped up to the plate and changed tons of diapers and became an amazing dad. This time, we have an autistic almost 5 year old to take into consideration. H will be with me through the CS and after, but will not sleep over with me. In the evening, he's picking up S and bringing him to the hospital to meet his sister then he'll go home so DS gets to sleep at home. Next day he'll take him to school and do the same thing all over again. It will suck to not have him with DD and I, but it's the best option for our little man. 

bananapanda

DH was great at rubbing my back/applying counter pressure while I had back labor.  He helped me think about what options I wanted when my brain wasn't working in more like asking for the epidural before it got too late.  He held me up during the epidural also even though he isn't big on needles.  During labor I knew he didn't really want to see much and would prefer to stay by my head, but he did help hold one of my legs and held my hand.  He is so grossed out by puke, but he was right there by me while I puked through it all, wiping my mouth and giving me drinks.  He wasn't even offended when I would tell him to shut up because I didn't want him talking while I was concentrating on pushing lol.  My favorite part though was when he fed me my turkey sandwich and pepsi while I held DD immediately after birth.  That was the best meal I've ever had 

Once DD was born and we were moved to our room he was great with diaper changes and swaddling.  He woke up overnight when I would feed her and then he would burp her or just hold her on his chest for awhile.  It was so sweet.

pirateduck

Hearing all these stories is great.  I don’t know what I want or expect from my husband.  He’s a tough love sorta guy so I don’t expect any coddling, but if I can articulate what I actually need he will likely do it in the moment.  I just have to know what to ask/tell him because he won’t just do it on his own.  He’s good with emergencies and he has helped birth cattle so has some idea what to expect in terms of body fluids/gross factor and should be ok on that end.  

treble-steph

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories, I'm glad so many of you had such great experiences and didn't have the same problems that I had. Hopefully this time will be better...I know I don't want a doula, I want my husband to be my support person. I like the suggestion of counseling if we can't talk through it ourselves. We just need to have that conversation and decide what steps we can take to get the experience we both want.

allywat

I wouldn’t say my husband was particularly helpful in either of my births. And he's an amazing partner and father. But like you said people handle stress differently, I don’t hold it against him. Maybe third time around he will get the hang of it. 

JStill0603

@splashmountain do you have someone else staying at the hospital with you? I have been thinking for a long time about how our hospital stay is going to work out with 2 other boys at home to consider and I’m not sure that DH staying with me and baby at the hospital is 100% our best option but I want someone staying with me! The obvious choice if DH does go home so the other 2 boys aren’t so thrown off their routine is my mom but she was sooooo not helpful after the birth of DS that I’m not sure that would be so wise and I don’t have a third choice. 

ruby696

@JStill0603 Could your mom stay with your boys at night? When DD was born, we had a close friend stay the night with DS, but he never knew. DH would go home around 5:30, have some coffee, take a shower and then take DS to daycare. He'd come back to the hospital and stay with me until 4:30, then pick DS up, and spend a few hours with him before putting him to bed. My friend would come over and DH would go back to the hospital, and would stay the night with me. We only to do it for about 30 hrs, but it worked out really well for both me and DS.

JStill0603

@ruby696 my parents could but I think they’d prefer my boys to stay at their house and actually.... it’s a little more complicated than that. This would be one of the things I might be more comfortable posting in a private group. One of my sons has a little bit of trouble behaving for my parents and would do better at my in laws house and the other one I would be much more comfortable with him at my parents house. And to split them up seems like too much work for everyone and probably not fair to anyone.  

shamrocandroll

@JStill0603 No offense to your parents, but it's not really about their preference if they want to help you while you're at the hospital.  If it's easier for you to have them come to your house, don't feel bad about asking them to do that!  

bananapanda

@JStill0603 I don't think splitting them up would be the worst idea if that works for everyone.  I guess I don't know the logistics of getting the kids to/from the different grandparents, but it could be nice for each one to have some one-on-one attention from grandparents while you focus on the new baby.  I would check with your parents and IL's before ruling it out completely especially if that's what would be easiest for you.

splashmountain

@JStill0603 I won't have anyone stay with me at the hospital. The nurses there are great and will take baby for an hour or 2 so I can rest if need be, but it'll only be over night so, I think I'll be ok. If the first night is a flop, our backup plan is similar to what @ruby696 did and have MIL stay at our house after DH puts DS to bed and he can come back and be with me. Sorry you're in a tricky position. I don't have very supportive family members who I would want with me and there's no way S would sleep at anyone's house, so I understand your steuggle, but I know you'll figure it out.

ruby696

@JStill0603 That's a tough one. But maybe if your parents could come over at nigh, behavior wouldn't be so much of an issue? I hope, at least, that you're only in the hospital for a short time. I'm all about 24 hours or less. I hate being in the hospital. 

JStill0603

Thanks for the suggestions guys. You’re right @shamrocandroll that it’s not about their preferences but if I’m in the hospital worrying about S1s behavior at home that’s probably not going to help me either. I’ll be in for 48h because of repeat c but I’m hoping to get out ASAP. I figure we will cross that bridge once we get there but I’m getting more and more nervous about how it’s going to work in reality.