@mamaj1220 I think including him in baby stuff will help a lot. If you're asking him to help or to grab you a diaper, etc., you guys are still a team and you're showing him he's needed and valued. Dates are a great idea too. The other thing to remember is that it's okay for infants to cry for a minute. If my toddler needs a band aid, my infant can cry for a few seconds while intake care of my older kid. Baby doesn't always have to come first.
@mamaj1220 my concern is similar, but different. DS1 is pretty stubborn/needy (i think thats also 3.5yo's for you), and DS2 is more chill but learning too much from DS1. I'm hoping when DD comes along it will cause a bit more independence for them to rely on each other to play & whatnot, but i'm also nervous because knowing that i'll have 80% of the babycare, DH's style of parenting is so relaxed/fun it causes my house to be so frustratingly loud/messy/chaotic. I'm worried that my time with baby will create 2 big brother monsters i'll never be able to get to conform to any rules or structure again.
@mamaqdubu I have those same basic concerns. My 3.5 year old is in a phase of wanting adults to play with him all day every day, but wants to play "dad games" aka rough housing or what not, or just wants to boss us around. Either way, no. He used to play super independent, so hoping it's just a phase. Younger one is almost 17 months, and she's fairly independent playing, but so opinionated and passionate (read-cries a lot if she doesn't get her way), and when daddy is around they're borderline terrors with noise and running, etc, and daddy has never seemed to learn that if you get them to a certain point of wound up-it makes tantrums. I'll be at like 90% baby care duties, as my husband is gone 10 hours daily and has no time off for baby, so it's going to be a lot of chaos as I'll be stuck nursing baby, trying to keep other two from killing each other or destroying anything. Hoping that tons of outside toys and a nice chair in the shade for me and baby works....
eta-typos/auto correct
_______________________________________________
Me: 33 DH: 32 Married 7/18/15 1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16 Team green turned BLUE! 2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18 Team green turned PINK! Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
@pourmeanothermocktail Sounds SO similar to us. Fortunately (and unfortunately) my kids are in daycare all day so it's really just the mornings/evenings we have to deal with, but those are also the most insane parts of the day. I'm never quite sure why some men dont see the connection between the rough housing & the acting out. my husband will say do bedtime 3 nights in a row, and then on the 4th night i'll do it and the kids are absolutely off the wall running naked around the room screaming to be about pajamas and books and the lights they want to turn on and off. I told DH he has to change his strategy otherwise i'm refusing all bedtime parenting, because I'm NOT dealing with that.
@mamaqdubu Wow, ick! Yeah, I've instituted a cool down period where in the 15 min before getting getting for bed (and from there on!) there's no running, yelling, throwing or flipping of toys/kids. We try to do puzzles or books or something just LESS in that time period. But at least my husband is on board with that. He just needs me to set those boundaries for him and beat him over the head to see the connection between behaviors. Self reflection isn't a skill of his.
_______________________________________________
Me: 33 DH: 32 Married 7/18/15 1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16 Team green turned BLUE! 2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18 Team green turned PINK! Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
@mamaqdubu I am worried about the fact that DS1 is super attached to me, DF can do things the exact same way I do and this little 6 year old will say no you don't know how to do it get mom. I mean luckily he is pretty independent in most areas but I worry he is going to regress when DS2 comes as a way to get more attnetion from me.
@pourmeanothermocktail that's a good idea. we have our hatch light do "rainbow" colors while they are supposed to be getting ready for bed. If my husband wants to rough house that much I'm going to ask him if he'll just do it downstairs so that when they go upstairs it's time for calm reading, PJ's, teethbrushing, etc instead of the free for all it is right now. I don't want to tell him he cant have fun with them and ask him to parent differently, i just need him to see how much more difficult it makes bedtime for everyone involved.
Question! Maybe TTMs can answer a little better - but what is your current bed time routine for your LO and how do you plan/think it will change with the new baby. DS was such a poor sleeper for so long and we have worked so hard on having a solid night time routine that works and its awesome - but takes about an hour. I'm wondering if we should try and make adjustments before baby comes or how things worked out for TTMs - did you have a hard time adjusting night time routines when baby came around?
@chewie5990 TTM here, and as you probably read in my response above, we are a free for all here. takes about 45 mins to get my kids down and there's a lot of chaos in between.
As far as what changed when my second arrived, my first was only 15 months old so he wasn't pushy on boundaries yet. I would say if you have a solid routine try to keep to it (as long as it doesn't involved both of you). If both of you currently put your son to bed, try to transition to a routine of you or your SO doing it on your own so the other can take care of baby.
@chewie5990 I'm only a STM so I don't have a good answer to this other than to say my parenting approach to this kind of stuff is to be a band-aid ripper. I don't want to go through the agony until I have to, and I tend to back down if something isn't urgent or totally necessary. My daughter is super attached to me and wants me present for most aspects of bedtime, but I plan on nursing this baby so there may be times when that just can't happen.
DD #1: April 2017 DD #2: May 2020 Baby #3: EDD May 2023; MC October 2022
I do not fuck around with sleep and I refused to keep a long drawn-out routine, so we absolutely had a routine when DD was born, despite DS only being 17 months. After dinner, I did his bath while my husband had the baby. He could play until 6:30, we'd snuggle and watch a show, then at 7pm sharp he was in bed with a book and lights out. It went quicker if I did it than if DH did it, because DH is a softie and easily manipulated and I am a hardass. I trained DD to have a similar schedule and short routine that could be done by either of us. They were (and still are) allowed books and a few small toys to keep them occupied in bed even if they weren't asleep, and that definitely helped keep us on schedule and keep me from having to go back in there a million times.
They both shower on their own now, have alarms set for their respective bedtimes, and just want a book and hugs before bed, so I won't even have to go upstairs if I'm busy with the baby. They'll get to stay up later because they'll be on summer vacation, but they have strict summer bedtimes so they will absolutely still be on a schedule.
@thepretzelchick we are strict with time - but the books kills us! Right now we do shower at 6:30 - DS showers independently while I hangout around the RR - usually doing laundry/picking up - and then bed at 7:00 but we read 3 books (usually takes about 20 minutes) and then he goes potty and gets some water and off to bed. I'm thinking maybe we should move his reading time to the living room instead of in his bed so when baby comes it will be a little easier with all of us together. Or if I should try and cut back on books now. DS is four and he LOVES to read and as a literature teacher I hate squashing reading time but gosh it takes so long!! Also right now we have a pretty strict back and forth - I do one night and MH does the next. DS is very clear on this and throws a fit if one of us tries to do 2 nights in a row..so that's maybe something we need to work on because I know in the first few weeks MH will be taking over most of the nights with DS. Every time I talk to MH he's like "eh it will work out fine" and he's probably right..
@thepretzelchick Same - we do not mess with bedtime. We start at 7:30, brush teeth, go to the bathroom, read a story/sing a song. If it's a bath night, we start at 7:15. Lights are out by 8:00. When DD was born, DS had the same routine, but I think it started around 6:30 for lights out at 7:00. I'd put DD down, then we would do DS, and then have time to hang out and watch a movie or tv show until 9ish, when I would give DD a dream feed and put her back down again. I'm sure it won't go as smoothly this time, but I'm going to try. MH and I need some adult time in the evenings.
ETA: MH does baths and brushes teeth, although I'll take one kid if the kitchen is all clean. He does story time, too. Bedtime is much easier with two adults doing it.
@chewie5990 Yes, definitely move reading time to the living room! I will read to them until my voice gives out in the living room during pre-bed quiet time, but in their rooms the limit is one book. They both went through phases where they only wanted me to put them to bed, but I could kind of reason with them and explain that sometimes it's okay to do one thing differently and still have your routine, like Daddy puts you to bed instead of Mommy. When all else failed, DH and I would rig a game of Rock Paper Scissors so he'd win
@thepretzelchick - I think we are going to start moving to the living room now to make it routine before baby arrives. Rigging a rock paper scissor game is genius! DS loves rock paper scissor so and will definitely accept that as a legit ruling!
Bedtime routine got turned into a 20 min max when baby arrived. And the only part mom HAD to be a part of was nursing. But bath is only 1-2 times per week here, and so it happens before normal bed routine. Routine is brush teeth & hair, then toilet/diaper, then pajamas. Toddler used to get 1-3 books depending on timing, length, and attitude/stalling, and hugs kisses from daddy. Then lights out, 5 min tops nursing, one more kiss, hold hand and turn on music box. Music box is a wind up that lasts less than 5 min, but it gives them something to listen to while I leave the room.
Now that it's two kids (only one still nursing before bed), it's almost exactly the same, but each kid picks out one book. And if they were extra agreeable, mom or dad picks out one more favorite. Definitely easier with two parents, but can be done.
_______________________________________________
Me: 33 DH: 32 Married 7/18/15 1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16 Team green turned BLUE! 2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18 Team green turned PINK! Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
Re: STM+ Check-In: January
eta-typos/auto correct
DH: 32
Married 7/18/15
1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
Team green turned BLUE!
2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18
Team green turned PINK!
Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
DH: 32
Married 7/18/15
1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
Team green turned BLUE!
2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18
Team green turned PINK!
Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
As far as what changed when my second arrived, my first was only 15 months old so he wasn't pushy on boundaries yet. I would say if you have a solid routine try to keep to it (as long as it doesn't involved both of you). If both of you currently put your son to bed, try to transition to a routine of you or your SO doing it on your own so the other can take care of baby.
DD #2: May 2020
Baby #3: EDD May 2023; MC October 2022
They both shower on their own now, have alarms set for their respective bedtimes, and just want a book and hugs before bed, so I won't even have to go upstairs if I'm busy with the baby. They'll get to stay up later because they'll be on summer vacation, but they have strict summer bedtimes so they will absolutely still be on a schedule.
ETA: MH does baths and brushes teeth, although I'll take one kid if the kitchen is all clean. He does story time, too. Bedtime is much easier with two adults doing it.
Now that it's two kids (only one still nursing before bed), it's almost exactly the same, but each kid picks out one book. And if they were extra agreeable, mom or dad picks out one more favorite. Definitely easier with two parents, but can be done.
DH: 32
Married 7/18/15
1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
Team green turned BLUE!
2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18
Team green turned PINK!
Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green