I put a TW on this post because it is quite long, I'm extremely emotional right now, but there are certain things I need to work through by writing them down. If this is in violation of any rules, I apologize in advance, PM me and I will edit anything out. (I read the rules, but understandably my mind is not all here right now.) I wish to express my condolences to any who have experienced a loss.
Here I am writing this post because it is impossible for me to sleep right now because the big question that keeps going through my mind is: "Why?!"
This was my second pregnancy and second loss. My first was so early it happened within days of getting a positive test and was so quick that the idea of being pregnant had barely stuck. However, those few short days is what had DH and I thinking... We were ready for this adventure. It was a frustrating two years, but right before Christmas is when we got the best of news. We were expecting!
Bloodwork was done, it was discovered I had a thyroid issue and high blood sugar. Immediately I was put on medication for my thyroid and met with specialists and nutritionists. I changed my diet, was managing my blood sugar levels.
However, shortly afterwards I started spotting. It was very light and I had to fight with my doctor to get an ultrasound. At what should have been 9w5d (01/21), the u/s revealed that I was only 7w5d, but there was a heartbeat and was told that everything was fine. The spotting stopped shortly after and we left more confident.
The spotting started again a week later. By this point I had met with my OB and everyone kept telling me it was normal. I refused to believe that. I was sent for blood work, my hCG levels were rising as they should and my thyroid and blood sugar were not well within the normal range. I first noticed a small clots (the size of a pin head) the morning of 01/31 and knew something was wrong. This was not normal. After 16 hours in the hospital, I was given an appointment to return the following day for an u/s and more blood tests. The u/s showed my little nugget moving around and measuring spot on at 9w2d, I even got to hear the heartbeat. They couldn't find the source of my spotting and was told everything looked as it should. I was sent home feeling much more confident and sharing the great news with the close friends and family (our parents) that knew. Everyone was so relieved.
Two days of rest, relaxation and happiness is all I was given. All day on 02/03 I was experiencing symptoms. I was nauseous, I was tired and hormonal. At midnight I felt it start, I was rushed to the hospital and by 2:30AM it was over. By 8:30AM my hCG levels were at 35.
So now I have to question everything... What happened in those two days? I understand that if it was going to happen there was nothing that could be done. I had done everything as I should have... I was taking care of myself, I was making sure that I took my vitamins day and night. What went wrong? I know I'm not supposed to blame myself, but then what can I blame? Where do I direct my anger? How do I cope with this loss when I don't have a reason why? It's been difficult to simply accept the answer, "Sometimes it just happens." I can't find closure with that response.
The pain has been the worst part. Not the physical, though I feel as though my Boddy has been dragged through hell and back, but the emotional. I hated having to call my father, who is not a very emotional person, and hearing his voice crack with sadness. Having my mother cry and hearing her wish she was there just to hug me. My FiL, who like my dad hides his emotions, give us possibly the only hug I have ever received in the 5 years DH and I have been together. I hate having to break everyone's hearts when my own is currently shattered.
I'm not okay... But I will be.
I know this because I have an amazing support system. My DH has been a rock through all of this. He's thought of everything, stayed by my side and helped me through the worst of it. He did not run when things got difficult. He was my superhero and I need to be strong now because he won't grieve until he knows I've had my time to do so.
We're both not okay, but together I know we will be.