PGAL W/O 12/31

ballofmeat · December 2018

ETA: our little blurb about what PGAL means back This thread is a safe place for those who are pregnant after a loss. (PGAL). If you have suffered a loss please feel free to answer the questions below and keep things going throughout the week as a continuing conversation. If you haven’t suffered a loss, please refrain from answering the questions, but know we welcome anyone who wants to come in and support the PGAL ladies and their milestones with encouragement or love tits! Thank you! 1. How many weeks are you? 2. Previous loss(es)? 3. How are you feeling? Emotionally and physically? 4. Any appointment updates? 5. Rants/Raves/Questions? 6. Any milestones coming up? 7. GTKY? Favorite space in your house?

ballofmeat · December 2018

I can’t sleep (this cold is kicking my butt) and I decided to dust off my SN from DD’s BMB. You know, just to to change things up.

1. How many weeks are you? 16 + 2

2. Previous loss(es)? 22w, 29w, and 6w

3. How are you feeling? Emotionally and physically? I feel like just an angry person a lot of the time. And I’ve read a lot of stories in my grief support group and know it’s very normal for the stage I’m at. But it’s hard because before the twins, I was a lot more kind and patient. Now I usually ride most days out on edge. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like trying to put old me and new me back together and it just doesn’t fit. I basically just don’t like myself right now.

4. Any appointment updates? I need to schedule a check up and my anatomy scan. I’ve been putting it off.

5. Rants/Raves/Questions? My TTTS grief support group I’m a part of features stories on their blog and mine was posted last night. I wrote it last month around their one year death anniversary. It’s long-ish, but if you want to check it out, here is the link in spoiler.

https://tttsparents.com/2018/12/30/395/

6. Any milestones coming up? The anatomy scan will be a huge one

7. GTKY? Favorite space in your house? Our living room. I love the original built in shelves and fireplace from 1940. It’s so cozy in winter.

momerath81 · December 2018

@ballofmeat what a sobering story. I am sending you positive thoughts. I have also dealt with anxiety, depression, and DMER. I know your losses would be so hard on anyone, but I guess you just make it through because you have to.

momerath81 · December 2018

1. How many weeks are you? 15
2. Previous losses? None
3. How are you feeling? Emotionally and Physically? My depression has been under control. I am medicated and feel fine. I got over my morning sickness to get a respiratory virus that has been lingering, so energy drained.
4. Any appointment updates? Looking forward to my checkup in a week since my 10 week ultrasound. Hoping everything is good.
5. Rants/raves/questions: Just being thankful at the moment after thinking about what others may be experiencing.
6. Any milestones coming up? My dd is turning 2.
7. GTKY? Favorite space in your house. On the sofa lately (no energy) with hubby, dd, and pug.

ballofmeat · December 2018

@momerath18 This is a thread for women here who have had losses (you indicated none). PGAL stands for pregnant after loss.

PGAL ladies, I just went back to see where we may have lost our little blurb about what PGAL means. Seems like it was dropped a while ago, I will add it back in.

momerath81 · December 2018

I didn't read the title. It was 4:30am sorry.

Dcwtada · December 2018

My heart just broke for you all over again. All my love to Abraham and Shepard, and of course you and your family. I won’t even say I hope for healing since I don’t think there is healing, just surviving. Praying for you, your DH and both your little girls. 💔

nmbrcrnchr1 · December 2018

@ballofmeat I had never read that blog before (wasn’t in the right mental place when we were on TTGP) and wow, I knew you were a strong woman from what I knew happened but after reading your blog “strong” doesn’t seem like enough. You are an amazing person/mom!

1. How many weeks are you? 17w4d
2. Previous loss(es)? Ectopic Feb18
3. How are you feeling? Emotionally and physically? Emotionally I’m ok, we had the quad screen blood draw last week and should get those results this week. My AS isn’t until Feb1 and I’m anxious about that. With DD I think I was just in a bubble and didn’t know all that could happen, I don’t have that anymore. I’m too paranoid. Physically - the headaches suck. I’m over it.
4. Any appointment updates? Nope
5. Rants/Raves/Questions? My Doppler should arrive today. I can feel LO more but I’ll be testing it out once it arrives 😁
6. Any milestones coming up? Nope
7. GTKY? Favorite space in your house? Outside in my hammock, I know it’s not “in” my house but it’s my happy place!

coco2787 · December 2018

1. How many weeks are you?
11+2

2. Previous loss(es)?
MMC dx @ 9 weeks, 2 CP, MMC dx @ 14 weeks

3. How are you feeling? Emotionally and physically?
Physically pretty good other than a cold I can't seem to shake. Pregnant immune systems suck. Emotionally I'm really anxious about our NIPT results. I just feel like things have been going too well and the other shoe is going to drop at any time. The genetic counselor said we should have them by Wednesday and if it's bad news they'll call, if everything is normal they'll just put a message in my chart. Luckily I don't get many phone calls because I know my heart will stop if I hear my phone at all this week. If the results are normal I keep telling myself I'll relax, but I doubt that I will. I've stopped believing that there's a limit to how many bad things a person can be asked to endure.

4. Any appointment updates?
Another ultrasound on Wednesday afternoon. I'll update when I get NIPT and u/s results.

5. Rants/Raves/Questions?
I'm just so glad it's finally the 31st. I am so done with this year. Also, TB and all their moderating is ridiculous. We're adults and don't need them to shut down every thread. The only thing unwelcoming about these boards is them banning long-standing members. They had a lot more traffic when they let people moderate themselves.

6. Any milestones coming up?
I'm pretty certain I'm past the point where our daughter's heart stopped beating but not 100% sure. A good appointment on Wednesday will definitely have us past that point so I'm looking forward to having that behind me. Still using the Doppler every day so I at least know baby is alive in there. Not going to do any celebrating until I know NIPT results are normal though.

7. GTKY? Favorite space in your house?
Probably my room/bed lol. We have a king size TempurPedic and it's seriously amazing.

coco2787 · December 2018

@ballofmeat I wish I had more wise words to say. I've read your blog and I'm always just so amazed at your resilience. I know it probably feels like you've just been surviving this past year, but the fact that you are finding it in you to support others and doing things like fundraisers to help people who have been through similar heartbreak is truly a testament to your strength. You have done an amazing job at honoring your boys and they are lucky to have you as their mama. I've felt a lot of anger over my losses too, and reading about the 5 stages of grief really helped me to feel that it was ok- this is an excerpt from the website: "Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love."
Maybe you've seen it before, but I really like how they describe all the stages, it really helped me make sense of all the things I was feeling. (Link for anyone interested: https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/)

@nmbrcrnchr1 I hope the Doppler helps ease your mind a little. It's been a total lifesaver for me.

carleym93 · December 2018

@ballofmeat Hugs to you. When DH and I were in premarital counseling, our pastor told us, “There is no such thing as anger. Anger is the expression of either hurt, fear, or frustration. Usually its hurt. When you’re angry with each other, or anyone, sometimes it helps to ask ‘Why am I hurting?’ and fix that.” I’ve always thought about it. You have every right to be angry. Your babies were taken and its unfair. Honor those feelings. Sending you love.

1. How many weeks are you? 18w0d

2. Previous loss(es)? One cp, one termination

3. How are you feeling? Emotionally and physically? Physically still pretty good. I’m actually kind of surprised at how much more challenging physically this pregnancy is. With DD, I was one of those people who always said how much I loved being pregnant. I felt the best I had felt in years when I was pregnant with her. I was walking laps around the mall all the way until the day she was born, and this time at 18 weeks I feel like I ran a marathon after being there for an hour and then I can’t do anything the rest of the day!

Emotionally I am better. I felt some good strong kicks this week and that was reassuring. Not totally there yet, but getting there.

4. Any appointment updates? My anatomy scan is 1/18 and I am unbelievably nervous, especially because I haven’t had a single NIPT. I feel like I’m going in blind but I have to keep repeating to myself, “I can handle whatever comes my way because I’m surrounded by a community of love and support.” That helps some.

5. Rants/Raves/Questions? Is anyone already having heartburn? I didn’t have a single instance of heartburn with DD and now I feel like I’m getting it fairly often. I feel like a noob because I don’t know what to do.

6. Any milestones coming up? Just the anatomy scan.

7. GTKY? Favorite space in your house? I really love our room. It just feels cozy to me. When DH is out of town, I let DD sleep in our bed and as much as I love the cuddles, I hate that I can’t just curl up in our bed with the lamp on and read when she is in there sleeping.

carleym93 · December 2018

@ballofmeat Reading your blog left me sobbing. I can not imagine the pain. I’m just in awe of you and your husband’s strength.

ncm1919 · December 2018

1. How many weeks are you? 16 + 2

2. Previous loss(es)? 8w

3. How are you feeling? Emotionally? Physically? Emotionally finally feeling a bit recharged. I’ve been off for over a week and I really needed it. I’m better symptom wise as well. Lots of energy which is welcome because I needed to take down the Christmas decorations and I’m alone with my daughter until Tuesday.

4. Any appointment updates? Everything scheduled but in my work calendar. I don’t want to check it because I’m relaxed and that’s the first sign vacation is ending.

5. Rants/Raves/Questions? My husband had well and truly better kiss my feet when he gets back from his annual boondoggle. He’s in the city tonight and going to MSG to see Phish. His friend got a luxery box and it’s free. I am actually a saint. I got a lot of indulgent food my best friend is coming for dinner. I could give a shit about being home. If you’ve ever been to a Phish shownits no place for a pregnant person so I’m good with staying home

6. Any milestones coming up? Passed them thankfully

7. GTKY? Favorite space in your house? Our front room. The stairs are beautiful and it’s where my fireplace is. It looks bare without Christmas decorations up. I should take care of that but don’t have it in me energy wise right now.

tuxielove93 · December 2018

@ballofmeat I just finished reading your blog and I cannot stop crying. For what its worth, I don't think, from reading that, that you are just angry all the time. It is SO obvious how much you loved those babies, and if anything, I feel like you are just trying to express that without your sweet boys here to feel it and receive it. I really have no words to express my sympathy for you. These words feel empty, but theyre all I have. I am so sorry for your loss.

1. How many weeks are you? 14 weeks

2. Previous loss(es)? MC at 5 weeks, Jan. 2015

3. How are you feeling? Emotionally and physically? Physically, I am doing really good. I still have like a day a week of some lingering nausea, but it's not too bad and it goes away. But I cannot shake this smell-induced vomiting problem. The only reason I haven't thrown up more is that I've just kind of been forcing myself not to. After waking up this morning feeling totally fine, I went and cleaned the bathroom. Apparently did that for too long because I got really hungry and tired, but trying to walk into the kitchen to get food, I smelled something again and ended up throwing up in my sink. First time in two weeks (since the great stomach bug fiasco) but STILL. I'm so tired of this crap, and of course, I can't purge my freaking house and clean everything up and get rid of all the smells because the smells make me gag and vomit! Sigh. Emotionally, I'm making it. I was really down last week, and I had some really horrific dreams last night that made me really anxious today, but it's manageable. Especially because despite my morning sickness episode, I'm feeling good. Really the hardest thing for me is all the critters in this house who won't stay off my stomach. I know the baby is well protected in there, but I still would prefer that just nothing touches the area, especially in any sort of rough or hard way. Yesterday, DH put DS down on me and rammed his feet into the bottom of my stomach where I had just felt the baby moving like a second before. DH meant to put DS on my legs, but he missed, and between the freaking cat using me as a springboard and DS being a very rambunctious toddler, I just want to wrap my middle in bubble wrap.

4. Any appointment updates? Scheduling today. My phone is horribly broken, so I'm still trying to fix it so I can call.

5. Rants/Raves/Questions? Rant: see above. Rave: I have felt a lot of movement, and I am so grateful for it. I'll be very happy when it gets stronger and more consistent. I know some Moms get annoyed by later movements, but I at least don't remember ever being annoyed with DS when he would kick me. Lodging his foot in my ribs, yes, but moving around? No. I love every second of it.

6. Any milestones coming up? Tomorrow is officially 14 weeks and the second trimester!! It all just got very real for me, and I realized I have to start paying attention to stuff (like weight gain). I have my ball set up so I'm going to be sitting on that a bunch now to keep my pelvis lined up well.

7. GTKY? Favorite space in your house? Umm, I don't have one? I really don't. It's a symptom of both that I REALLY have not paid any attention to myself basically since getting pregnant with DS, that this apartment is very much a temporary thing, and that it's just never really felt like home. Which sucks. And is probably why I'm so crap at keeping it neat and organized. I just do not care and don't feel at home and I've recently tried decorating to make it better but nope... it put a band-aid on it but it didn't really fix it.

ballofmeat · December 2018

@nmbrcrnchr1 Can't wait to hear how you like your doppler. What brand did you end up going with?

@coco2787
I hope your US goes great on Wed. Do they think the NIPT results will be in then too? I hope so, that would be such a double whammy of relief I'm sure. I also debated on saying my bed was my favorite place in our house. Such a toss up. God bless sleep.I have not seen the five stages of grief article. I have heard about them, I think its time for me to brush up on them.

@carleym93 So glad you are feeling strong kicks now! Mine are still pretty faint. And thank you for that quote, its so true. Hoping your AS comes quick and you can check off that milestone.

@ncm1919
I'm with you, my front room looks bare without christmas decor. This is why I haven't taken mine down. What do you normally have in its place? I told DH that we could just leave it bare for baby swings and gear.

@tuxielove93

I hope your sickness eases up soon. Mine has literally disappeared by week 16. Hopefully its the same for you. I can't wait to get to that second trimester bliss.

vv826 · December 2018

@ballofmeat I'm still crying. all I can say is that you are a strong woman. I had never heard your whole story and I say that you are doing a great job at living through something some of us could never imagine. creepy internet hugs to you and prayers for you and your family.

TJtheGoat · December 2018

@ballofmeat Thank you so much for sharing your blog with us. It must have taken an enormous amount of strength to even write that out, much less share it with others. And I have to agree that you have every right to be angry. It has only been one year. Not so much time when you consider the amount of hurt and pain you are dealing with. Try to give yourself grace and vent it here with us when you need to.

@coco2787 I agree that the mods tend to be overprotective of randos/trolls who purposely flaunt TBs own guidelines. If this is supposed to be a place for community, they should stop punishing people for trying to create that feeling and rewarding AW posts.

@carleym93 OMG I so wanted to be the pregnant woman who says, “I’ve never felt better!” So far, tbh, being pregnant sucks. I am of course excited to meet baby boy in June and very grateful to be able to carry him, but the actual experience has not been positive so far.

*edited to fix spacing

SpongeWorthy · December 2018

*Lurking* @ballofmeat Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your blog. Sending you creepy internet hugs ❤️💔

ruby696 · December 2018

*Lurking*

@ballofmeat Thank you for sharing your blog. I haven't stopped crying. So much love to you and your family. Even though I don't know you IRL, your boys will always be in my heart.

ETA: words

inomniaparatus2 · December 2018

@ballofmeat The AS is always scary and exciting to see little squish. I hope yours goes well. I have read your story before but being pregnant with my own twins I’m not mentally able to read for more fear of what can go wrong.

@nmbrcrnchr1 having a Doppler gives me POM. I hope you like yours.

@tuxielove93 Ugh the nausea and vomiting are the worst. I wish I was one of those lucky women where it ends once they reach second trimester. Have you thought about putting some light snacks on your night stand or in the bathroom?

@carleym93 omg doing laps until birth. I too wanted to be one of those “I LOVE being pregnant” alas that is not me. Maybe in the coming weeks you will start to get more energy.

1. How many weeks are you? 16+3
2. Previous loss(es)? Mc July 2016, mc July 18
3. How are you feeling? Emotionally and physically? Emotionally ok, I have been using the Doppler a few times a week as I haven’t really felt the babies move much. My SPD pain is back so I plan to ask about PT at my next appt. Also hoping the nausea slows a bit but I’m not very hopeful as last time with DD I wasn’t able to get off the pills until 32 weeks.
4. Any appointment updates? I have a MFM US on Thursday and I’m excited to see the babies. At my next OB appt we will do the quad screen which always makes me nervous. AS is scheduled for 1/24.
5. Rants/Raves/Questions? None
6. Any milestones coming up? None
7. GTKY? Favorite space in your house? Can I say our new house? We’re building and it will be done in a February. I went bold with dark blue cabinets and my closet is bigger than the kids which I’m super excited about.

nmbrcrnchr1 · December 2018

@ballofmeat I found the sonoline on sale with free shipping so I went that route. It’s funny bc I got it this afternoon, but haven’t tried it bc by has been so active this afternoon having a dance party In there. Story of my life 😂

ballofmeat · December 2018

@inomniaparatus2 totally get that. Multiples pregnancies are their own ball game. But I believe you are pregnant with fraternal? If so, what happened to my boys wouldn’t happen to your precious littles. As TTTS only affects identical twins who share one placenta.

coco2787 · December 2018

@ballofmeat (I'm lol'ing a little every time at that sn) my NIPT results are coming through the hospital, not my OB, so if her estimate on how long it would take was correct I should get the results the same day as my ultrasound, but it won't be at the same time.

tuxielove93 · December 2018

@inomniaparatus2 I have no idea how there are two people with that username. I can't even decipher it. If you don't mind me asking, what is it??
Anywho, it really isn't hunger-induced nausea anymore, if that makes sense. I am definitely more susceptible hungry, but that's not the issue. The issue is that my normally very strong, smell resistant stomach can't handle even the slightest bad smell, and I end up in gagging fit that sometimes ends with puking if I can't get away and get it under control. So it's only bad smell induced nausea, and IDFK how to deal with that other than to not smell bad stuff. And my biggest and worst trigger is my fridge. I can't get the stink out. DH doesn't smell it, I have cleaned it countless times, I tried baking soda, it's not working. I have recently learned of the drip pan, but I'm terrified to go find it and DH has been working too much to do it for me.

@ballofmeat Thanks. Honestly, at this point, I'm just ticked off that I keep having a problem. I am actively angry at having to still deal with this crap.

pbtoast · December 2018

@ballofmeat Thank you for sharing your story. That takes a lot of bravery. It goes without saying that you are entitled to have any emotions that come along in this lifelong grief journey. Please know that we are here for you. Your boys will be known and remembered by many as you graciously share your story.

inomniaparatus2 · January 2019

@tuxielove93 it means ready for anything. It’s from Gilmore Girls. I was surprised to find two as well. Well darn I don’t know how to help smell. That’s not fun. Hopefully it calms down some.

@ballofmeat yes fraternal but as you said twins are a whole new ballgame and so many things can go wrong but happy that fraternal are much less of a high risk than identical.

sparklingdiamond · January 2019

1. How many weeks are you? 16w1d
2. Previous losses? CP, early m/c, and stillbirth at 32 weeks
3. How are you feeling? Emotionally and Physically? I have no energy and having a hard time going 4 weeks in between u/s. I am still two weeks away from my next one and it will be the anatomy scan, so of course I am super nervous about it.
4. Any appointment updates? Nothing until the 14th.
5. Rants/raves/questions: Christmas had both happy moments and sad moments. Sad because I should have a 7 month old daughter here with us, but instead we don't. And DS and a couple of other family members keep slipping up and saying our angel daughter's name instead of the new one's name and I know they don't mean it, but it still makes me a bit sad.
6. Any milestones coming up? The anatomy scan.
7. GTKY? Favorite space in your house. I like my couch and my bed right now haha.

pbtoast · January 2019

@inomniaparatus2 There was an inomniaparatus in my first BMB. I thought for sure you were her at first!

ncm1919 · January 2019

@ballofmeat there is actually little to no furniture. We can’t figure the layout out. I might need to hire some professional help because I’m completely stuck. For now it’s a good place for my daughter to run and not hurt herself

kjr9519 · January 2019

1. How many weeks are you? 15+1
2. Previous loss(es)? 12w
3. How are you feeling? Emotionally and physically? Emotionally, I’m not doing so well. With the year coming to an end, I’m just so happy it’s over, but it’s also got me thinking a lot about all the loss I’ve experienced this year. I haven’t posted about it any of it here, but I’ve really been struggling with coping with death. I won’t go into details, but in the past six months I’ve had to deal with more death than I have in my entire life. I’m ready for a new year, for sure. Physically, I’m doing better. For the past week, the nausea has been significantly better. I just hope it stays that way.
4. Any appointment updates? I’ve got one scheduled for the 9th.
5. Rants/Raves/Questions? I’m happy to be getting a break for the holidays. So far they’ve been good.
6. Any milestones coming up? I’ve passed them all.
7. GTKY? Favorite space in your house? My office. I work from home, and it’s the brightest room in the whole house, so I actually enjoy being in there.

carleym93 · January 2019

@kjr9519 Sending lots of hugs your way

kjr9519 · January 2019

@ballofmeat thank you for sharing your story. I truly cannot imagine what you went through, but I don’t see how anyone could heal from that in five years, much less one. You really are a strong person.

@nmbrcrnchr1 I’m glad you got the Doppler for peace of mind. I’ve gone back and forth on getting one for myself.

@coco2787 FX for you and that all of your tests come back good.

@carleym93 I’m also worried about my AS (which isn’t still for over a month) because I haven’t had an NIPT either. My last US was at 9 weeks.

@inomniaparatus2 I’m hoping for the best for you and your pregnancy. Being pregnant is scary enough after a loss, I can’t imagine adding extra risk into the mix.

TJtheGoat · January 2019

1. How many weeks are you? 18! How did that happen so quickly?

2. Previous loss(es)? CP Apr 18

3. How are you feeling? Emotionally and physically? Physically, not too bad. Headaches and trouble sleeping. Emotionally, I’m a mess. The hormonal rage is no joke and everything BF does makes me want to kill him. We have never argued so much and it’s really stressing me out.

4. Any appointment updates? Anatomy scan is scheduled for Jan 18.

5. Rants/Raves/Questions? I’m so glad to have you all to lean on and I’m sorry that there have been some a-jokes trying to stir up drama lately.

6. Any milestones coming up? No

7. GTKY? Favorite space in your house? Right now I’d say my family room. Our whole house is still a work in progress, but it’s a cozy and comfortable spot to relax.

coco2787 · January 2019

My ute has been feeling achy since last night and logically I know it’s probably just from things stretching out (and I know from the Doppler that baby is ok) but it’s still making me anxious. I’ve started to believe this pregnancy might actually work out and instead of feeling more reassured with every day that goes by just it makes it feel like I have more to lose. I don’t have it in me to do another 1st tri so it feels like my whole future is hanging in the balance right now.

nmbrcrnchr1 · January 2019

@coco2787 I’m sorry you’re having aches. I have (what I’m assuming is) RLP and if I get up to fast it’s so painful. Every time it happens I freak out and have to remind myself it’s “normal”. I keep telling myself after the next appt I’ll feel more assured but that hasn’t happened yet 😞 I hope some day soon we all get there. (Hugs)

@TJtheGoat YGPM

ballofmeat · January 2019

@coco2787 mine was really achey near the end of first tri too. I’m sure it’s like you said, just stretching and making room for baby. I feel very similar to you, like this is our last chance because I don’t have the heart to do it all over again. It’s so draining on your heart and body to go through it over and over and not have a baby to take home. Praying this is our year and we can both complete our families and put 2018 behind us!

pbtoast · January 2019

@coco2787 You put into words what I’ve struggled to—the longer this pregnancy goes on, the more I have to lose. We also won’t try again (I don’t think) if this isn’t a take-home baby, and you’re right, that adds a lot of pressure. Anyway, I’ve felt achy and sore too, distinct from the sharp RLP. I brought it up with my OB at my last appt and she reassured me that my symptoms sound normal, and like you said, just things stretching and moving. Hang in there, friend.

suzycupcake · January 2019

*lurking* Hugs @coco2787

coco2787 · January 2019

Appointment today went well. Baby was measuring 12 weeks (3 days ahead) and still very active in there. No NIPT results yet so that's a bummer but hopefully will have them sometime tomorrow. I did ask the doctor if she saw anything concerning on the ultrasound and she said no, so that eased my mind a little bit.

TJtheGoat · January 2019

@coco2787 thats such a relief that baby is growing on track. I hope your NIPT comes tomorrow and that it brings you some peace of mind.

ballofmeat · January 2019

@coco2787 so happy to read this update ❤️

Want a personalized experience?

PGAL W/O 12/31

Re: PGAL W/O 12/31

Choose Another Board

Search Boards