January Mental Health Check in

eatinwatermelonseeds · December 2018

It's a little early, but whatevs. We haven't talked about mental health in a bit, how is everyone doing?

Anything bothering you currently?

Any wins this month (let's just count the last 30 days as "this month" 😂) that have helped your mental health?

How are you currently managing your mental health, do you feel it's still helping?

eatinwatermelonseeds · December 2018

I've been doing well. Been having bits of anxiety here and there, but nothing crazy.

I'm a little anxious about my anatomy scan since I'm guessing I have to wait 2 more weeks for the results 😩

Wins. H got a great Christmas bonus, and we had an awesome holiday. I'm getting a bit of a break from our regular routine, which has been helpful.

Still take CBD oil occasionally. It came in a syringe and I still have over 3/4 of the original syringe I bought in November left, I'm not taking it hardly at all. But occasionally the anxiety will become too much and I'll take a drop. So far it's the best management I've ever had, so long as I can recognize when I need to take it. Usually when H says "are you still taking that CBD oil?" It's about time to take another drop 😂

eatinwatermelonseeds · December 2018

Okay, well this was a flop 😂

mrskoz428 · December 2018

@eatinwatermelonseeds I just haven’t had a chance to post yet! I will tomorrow!

lappymom2019 · December 2018

I'll try to post tomorrow too. I have only been on my phone and typing it all out on my phone has seemed too exhausting *lazy* or I guess that shows my mental health right now 🤣

jarethinafrock · December 2018

I haven’t been very active in a while. Life has been unbelievably hectic and I’ve been dealing with some really heavy stuff. I guess I will post about it here because I’ve been meaning to update you guys anyways.

****huge huge huge trigger warning****

So, one of my sisters was due with her second child at the beginning of this month. She had plans to deliver at a birth centre and she showed up on the 10th after noticing something wet in her bed (she thought maybe her water had broken). They sent her home and the next day, she woke up feeling bad and feverish. She started having some contractions, so she went in. She noticed some brownish discharge and when they checked her, a huge gush of brownish amniotic fluid came out. The birth centre people told her that she had meconium in her amniotic fluid and that she would need to
deliver via emergency c-section at the hospital. They called an ambulance and she was taken to a hospital 20 minutes away. I don’t know why this birth centre didn’t have a hospital right next to it, I thought that was the norm, but whatever.

anyways, she arrived and they had her fill out paperwork and then needed to “observe her” for an hour before proceeding with the c-section. She gave birth to a beautiful little girl, Anna, who was having difficulty breathing because she had aspirated too much meconium.

after 1 hour 54 minutes, my little niece passed away. It was horrific, heart-breaking, and seriously the worst thing ever and I’m still in disbelief about the whole situation.

As a result of all of this, I’m a total mess. I never ever imagined that something so awful could happen. It’s the freaking 21st century.

Anyways, my anatomy scan is this Thursday and I am really scared. I’m grateful that I have finally really started feeling movement, but I’m just worried I’ll get some horrible news at the anatomy scan. So that’s where I
am mentally. :’(

robyn2201 · December 2018

@jarethinafrock How terrible for your sister and baby niece. I’m so sorry! Update us after your ultrasound.

jarethinafrock · December 2018

robyn2201 said:

@jarethinafrock How terrible for your sister and baby niece. I’m so sorry! Update us after your ultrasound.

Thanks, it’s been rough

. The funeral was here in town on the 22nd (my sister lives almost 4 hrs away but most of my family lives in the same town as me) and so my sister, her husband, and their 18-month-old daughter have been staying at my house for the past week and a half (we have a downstairs guest room). Watching my poor sister recover from her surgery and not have a newborn to snuggle with is just the most heartbreaking thing ever. And being pregnant and around her makes me feel so guilty.

I will definitely keep you gals posted on the anatomy scan. Being AMA for this pregnancy is making me feel really anxious.

eatinwatermelonseeds · December 2018

@jarethinafrock I am so so sorry for your sister's loss. That is horrifying, and I cannot even begin to imagine how she is feeling right now. I'm so sorry your family is going through that right now. Wishing you all the strength in the world for all of you to get through this ♥️

kaitcrystalline · December 2018

@jarethinafrock I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. What a literal nightmare. Your poor sister and family. I'm also sending you and the family prayers and everything positive. Yes please keep us posted.

mrskoz428 · December 2018

This month, for the most part, as been much better for my personal mental health. I feel like I’ve gotten the major parts of it under control and am better equipped to handle it when it is out of control.

no major wins or losses. I’m remembering to take my Zoloft every day which I know helps. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that little pill but since being hospitalized, I had to get a lot more organized with my medication.

Keeping up with my anxiety medication and talking out my feelings has been very helpful. I’ve always been one to bottle up how I feel, especially around people close to me, but the more and more I talk about it, even if I ended up crying, the more relaxed and at ease I feel. This has been the biggest adjustment for me personally and it has really helped. I’m considering starting a journal but fear it’s a really big commitment right now. We’ll see if that happens.

eatinwatermelonseeds · December 2018

@mrskoz428 I've had an online journal for almost 15 years now. It's always helped me a lot, though I don't always have time for it. I go through phases where I write a lot, and also where I don't for months. But it's helpful to get out whatever is bothering me. Especially stuff I don't particularly know who I could talk to about it.

lappymom2019 · December 2018

@jarethinafrock I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how she and you are feeling and am so sorry that you have to go through it. Sending you well wishes and strength.

----
I've been doing better mentally now that I have physically been feeling a bit better. I am still struggling with energy levels, but I am off the unisom so I am feeling a bit better overall. I won't go into the long-drawn out details, but I had some traumatic health issues in my teens and was bedridden for a long time so whenever I am unwell I find it extremely triggering.

Even with that, I am proud of myself that I have been managing to not overdo it to try to compensate for that. My husband has been helping out a lot lately. Today, I was finally able to do some much needed cleaning, which makes me feel much more relaxed. It makes me anxious when my house isn't put together.

I am looking forward to getting to start working on the nursery now that Christmas is over.

I really want to stop taking Zoloft. I tried to stop when trying to conceive, but I had to go back on it after having unexpected surgery. I know now is not the time to go off it again, but I really wish I could since I feel fairly stable right now.

mrskoz428 · December 2018

@lappymom2019 please be very cautious about stopping your Zoloft. I feel great on it but know I only feel great and stable BECAUSE I’m on it. That’s the really tricky thing with medication. They can appear to eliminate the problem completely when in reality it is one tool we use to manage and maintain a healthy mindset.

lappymom2019 · December 2018

@mrskoz428 Don't worry! I stopped previously under the guidance of my Ob and she was very supportive. She had made me feel comfortable about being on it through pregnancy, but said if I wanted to go off it I could. I know now is a very bad time to try again, but I wish I could since I wish I could be as unmedicated as possible. Oh well, I am just thankful to be stable right now

mommabird2019 · January 2019

I was extremely anxious this morning... for 3 hours now I've felt like I just want to scream and cry. I really can't pinpoint a reason, other than possibly returning to work tomorrow (I'm an elementary teacher). I tried deep breathing, tried eating, tried to be productive but nothing seemed to help. Prior to pregnancy I was taking a great natural remedy for my anxiety but do to magnolia extract being in it, I can't take it now. I've also been less active, since I was so tired the first trimester & seem to have lost my drive. I know being active helps me and for the past 2 weeks I've felt the anxiety & depression building, which I've done nothing about and this morning I'm feeling the consequences. I'm sad because I know this stress isn't helping my baby. I sat down with my fur babies, found this post & after reading about the tragedy another family is going through, it helped snap me out of my funk a little, knowing that others have to be strong in a time like that makes me realize I shouldn't be so overwhelmed by all the things I feel like I haven't accomplished over my break. I just thought I'd go back to work feeling somewhat ahead and I absolutely feel consumed and behind in personal & work duties. I'm going to get up & get done what I can now, because only I can change the outcome. I have others in my thoughts & hope they find the strength they need.

chloe97 · January 2019

@lappymom2019 I second @mrskoz428 comments- believe me- pregnancy into the postpartum period is not the time to go off your Zoloft. I wrote my story in the first mental health check in (October?), but the short story was that I was on Zoloft for 10 years, went off 18 months before TTC and thought I was fine. A bit more anxious, but nothing awful. Then I had 2 MCs and got pregnant a 3rd time (with DD) and I lost my shit completely. I did not sleep more then 4 hours most nights no matter what I took, I was suddenly obsessed with the fact that I was dying-was positive I had an awful, horrible disease, and I was suicidal and constantly investigating suicide methods. I had never had any mental health symptoms like the ones I experienced while pregnant. I went back on Zoloft at 7 weeks pregnant with DD, but it literally took until 3 months postpartum to be myself again. I cannot reiterate enough- if you are stable- do not rock the boat! You have no idea what pregnancy hormones will do to your brain chemistry and believe me- it’s so much better for your baby to have a stable mom than Zoloft in uterine. Also, Zoloft has the greatest effect on the fetus in the first trimester, so weaning off it at this point really won’t achieve much (if any benefit).

Finally, I will just give my plug that DD is now 18 months and already hitting her 2 year old milestones. Despite the medications I took, she’s thriving. Zoloft is the most studied SSRI and Ob-gynecologist feel really good about you continuing it in pregnancy.

fatmonica · January 2019

I've had a hard time feeling connected to this baby which I have never struggled with in my other pregnancies. Last year was a really tough year and we had a lot of hard losses emotionally. For me the two hardest were losing our two foster children. In June, I had to say goodbye to our first placement, a 1 1/2 yr old boy who had been with us for 6 months. He was able to go back home, but I have no idea how he is doing. Basically, once he went home he disappeared from my life. Two weeks after he went home, we had a 4 month old boy move in. He was only with us for 2 months, but with the amount of care babies need, I was very attached to him and I adored him. He was placed with relatives (that was the plan), but I haven't seen him or heard about him since he left mid-September.
After those tough goodbyes I think I was convinced it was a year of loss and I put up guards because in my mind, I thought I would probably lose this baby also. I'm finally feeling movement and this pregnancy is starting to feel more real, but I know I haven't really allowed myself to grieve my losses. I'm a stay at home mom, so I was with them all the time. I have a hard time allowing myself to grieve because I knew they weren't mine and the whole point of foster care is to be able to reunify children with their parents. No one prepared me for the hole it would leave in my heart when they left. It doesn't help that I have a tendency to bottle up my emotions. A lot of days I'm absolutely fine, but other days (like tonight) it hits me like a rock that I have no idea how they are and there is nothing I can do about it.
I want to be able to connect with this baby, but I don't know how to shake the feeling that the other shoe is about to drop. I know this is a completely different situation, but I can't seem to figure out how to let down my guard and let myself actually get excited about this baby. I'm also worried that If I don't get this resolved in my mind, I might be more prone to struggle with PPD.

heathergirl89 · January 2019

@eatinwatermelonseeds What online journal do you use? I've always loved to write: poetry, journals, anything. I even have a started novel that has been lying unfinished for over 5 years.

I have been sad a lot lately. Dealing with sick kids, still going through a rough divorce and having court dates, plus my ex calling CPS on me after I got a restraining order has had me on edge. My blood pressure was under control, but it's started creeping back up again in the last week or so. The last two days I've been having a lot of painful contractions and on top of everything I turn 30 on Saturday. That's actually the first time I've ever said it "out loud". I've had a few little crying breakdowns but I don't feel like it's overboard, yet.

eatinwatermelonseeds · January 2019

@fatmonica I have to go to bed, but I wanted to leave this note to tell you I read what you wrote and I will come back. You are an amazing momma. ♥️

aels12 · January 2019

@fatmonica you are amazing for fostering! I can’t imagine how hard it is to let them go.

mrskoz428 · January 2019

@fatmonica I cannot imagine that pain. Bringing a child into your home who is not your own flesh and blood and love them, regardless of whatever baggage they come with, takes a very special person. I’m sure they are very bittersweet moments watching those children return home to their birth families. Thank you for doing that! Do they have support groups through your foster system for when you “lose” a foster child? I can’t imagine you are the only person that has these feelings. I’m sorry it’s affecting your connection with this little one. The only advice I can give, with no experience on having other children, is do things for this child like they are here. My husband and I read to my bump every night and have for the last month or so. We also talk about her a lot and talk about what we want to do with her when she arrives. Planning her nursery has also helped. Hoping you feel some relief soon.

kvh22 · January 2019

@fatmonica hugs!! I didn't go through anything like what you have but even just with the bleeding and lack of answers with my SCH, I've found myself detaching from this pregnancy much more than my first. I can only imagine after the experience you went through last year how tough this has been.

I'm still on some restrictions but a lot has been lifted just recently (which did wonders for my mental health). Everything *should* be fine but I can't help thinking that if everything *is* fine, why am I not allowed to go for a run. There must still be some cause for concern. I can go two weeks without running and be totally fine (although feel a bit guilty), but to be told I CAN'T is messing with me. I know there were tons of us with SCH's but no one else still seems to be worried about theirs so I don't know why I'm so concerned, but I can't help it. I just stopped hiding the pregnancy at work on Monday and I was over 21 weeks (although my boss and a few other coworkers knew).

fatmonica · January 2019

Thanks so so much for the support everyone.

@kvh22 I’m sorry you are still struggling with the SCH. I hope that it resolves fully soon and you can start to enjoy this pregnancy without all the worry that comes with the SCH.

eatinwatermelonseeds · January 2019

@fatmonica so this is much more delayed than I originally anticipated, I'm sorry.

First off, thank you for what you do. I can't even imagine the pain that comes with that. Like losing your own child, but the confusion if it not being your biological child. I'm sorry. But what you are doing for those children is a beautiful thing, and hopefully they are on their way to really great lives because of you.

As far as feeling disconnected, I did with DS1. I don't even know why. I had no complications. The only thing I can think of is that I was depressed. Even after he was born, the connection wasn't immediate and I did end up with PPD. However, I would take a million bullets for that kid and walk through fire. The bond and connection now is UNREAL. That kid is my heart and soul. So, it'll come, and it'll be just as overwhelming as your others are, I promise.

I know now my susceptibility for PPD or PPA, so I've put together a plan. I would highly recommend therapy for you, regardless of whether you have PPD or not, it would probably help a lot to talk through your feelings of loss. My personal plan is to talk to my doctor about immediate meds following birth. However, that's with my history of PPD and bipolar depression. In your case, I would talk to your doctor and spouse and form a game plan. My husband is always the first to know I'm off. And always the first to get me thinking about talking to my doctor. And the first to push and nag me until I go lol. Support will be critical, just due to an increased risk. It's not inevitable. It's just possible, as it's very common.

I felt so much guilt associated with the disconnect I felt, but realistically it was just hard to connect with something I couldn't see but only felt. I feel a big meal of tacos and nachos, but I don't connect with that 😂 it's just a hard thing to expect of women to immediately feel this huge unbreakable bond with someone they've never met.. If a father doesn't feel bonded during pregnancy, it's understood, but if a mother doesn't it's unspeakable. Makes no sense to me.

You're doing the best you can. Forgive yourself for not feeling that instant bond, and just do what you can to connect and take care of both of you. Be kind and gentle to yourself, you deserve it.

alexva2017 · January 2019

Y’all, I am not doing too well. I went for a second anatomy scan, and my baby still has an echogenic bowel. My results for Down Syndrome came back excellent, and I have no other soft markers for it. The other major concern is cystic fibrosis. When we went through fertility 2.5 years ago, we found out I’m a carrier but my husband is not. Well, now I’m learning that the test only captures 90% of carriers, so we need to do further testing to get a more accurate risk.

It could be other things too, and the perinatalogist and my ob said it’s likely nothing. I’m just so scared, anxious, and depressed. I feel like I’m not excited anymore.

We were offered an amnio, but my ob said that bloodwork was much more reasonable bc my risk level isn’t enough for an anmio. But an amnio gives a true yes or no while bloodwork does not. I wouldn’t terminate, but I don’t know if I can live four more months without knowing.

kvh22 · January 2019

@alexva2017 I'm sorry, that's got to be tough. I am also a CF carrier but DH is not (that was a rough two weeks waiting for his results as I was already pregnant with DD when I found out I was a carrier). My sister and cousin are also carriers. Have you been able to talk to a genetic counselor? When I was doing my research, I basically learned that some forms of CF are a lot worse than others, and you're only going to be as "bad" as the lesser extreme of your parents. I think if your husband were in that 10% that's not captured, it'd be a much much less severe form of CF, but I don't know that for sure. I think laying out all of your options and weighing them with a genetic counselor would be your best option. What information can you get from the blood test vs the amnio? (A question for someone much more specifically trained than an OB, I think). Having an action plan to get more answers right now might help. Then when you have all of the possible information, you can make a decision. The waiting is sometimes the worst part so being productive during that period could make you feel better.

alexva2017 · January 2019

@kvh22 thank you. I spoke with a genetic counselor today, and she seemed really knowledgeable. My husband will do more bloodwork, which which clarify his risks. I hope it doesn’t take two weeks! If his risk is high, we will do an amnio, which will give us definite information.

I had never heard about the lesser extreme- I am going to look into that now. Thank you!

kvh22 · January 2019

@alexva2017 it took him a while to actually be free from work meetings to go to the lab during their open hours since they're the same as DH's regular hours. We also were both on high deductible plans that make you go to crappy labs (quest for me, labcorp for him) so the results getting back to the doctor were annoying. We decided it was simpler to get him set up as a patient with my doctor's network (my GP and DD's ped are also in the network so he wasn't an OB patient) so they could order his tests but we were on different insurances so it was only like 4-5 days for the test results, the rest was red tape/logistics. I'm sure if you're going to a lab at your doctor's, it will be MUCH faster! But yes, there are varying degrees of severity. Your background (ethnically) can be an indicator or your severity risks. Certain "countries of origin" are known to have more severe forms than others. My cousin's husband was a "maybe" as a carrier - he's Mexican and Ecuadorian and they just don't know much about CF in those backgrounds but there's a lot more info about different European backgrounds and CF. Even though she was definitely a carrier, the doctors just weren't ever really concerned. I'm hoping to talk to her about it eventually but she has her 25 week preemie at home and they're still both experiencing a lot of PTSD from those issues so now is not the time.

Did you get an NT scan where everything looked fine for downs markets? Curious if CF is the focus or if they're exploring multiple options. Even though I'm only a carrier (and DH isn't), there's a 50% chance my children will be as well as my nieces and nephews and my cousins children (not sure if my brother is but SIL is not a carrier so that's nice to know). I donate to the CF Foundation as my charity of choice (through Amazon Smile and other things sometimes) as the strides they've made in the past couple of decades are very dramatic. While it's an upsetting possibility, I know, it's really much better understood and treated and most people live pretty normal lives with CF.

alexva2017 · January 2019

@kvh22 Down Syndrome is a possibility, but my testing came back excellent and I have no other soft markers. I also just got my blood drawn for the InformaSeq, which is more accurate than NT and sequential screening. So, I’m feeling more confident there since my previous screening said I have less than a 1 in 10000 chance. They put my odds of CF at 1 in 1200, so I know it’s so slim, but I just feel dumb that I just totally thought we were immune.

Thank you for your last comment- that makes me feel a little better!

kaitcrystalline · January 2019

@alexva2017 That's very hard and I have felt the same in a similar instance. My husband is a carrier of Hurler's syndrome.
TW** his brother died as an infant due to this disease /TW** so I knew I wanted to get tested as well. The genetic counselor took my blood about a month before I got pregnant and it took 4 months for the results to come back (Canadian medical system? No idea why it took so ridiculously long...the receptionist probably hated seeing my number constantly checking in with them). Turns out I am not a carrier but those first three months of pregnancy were hard not knowing. I hope your husband's results come back quickly so you both can get some relief. Sending good vibes.

wiseh · January 2019

I'm just catching up on the May BMB after an absence with some health issues.

Oh my gosh @jarethinafrock that is the most horrifying thing I've ever read. I am so, so sorry your sister went through that. I can't even begin to imagine how any of you are feeling.

Thank you @eatinwatermelonseeds for sharing. It gives me hope that even with PPD you now have an amazing bond with your DS. I've been trying to force myself to bond with this baby but it feels unnatural and weird. I guess because as you said it's something you can only feel and not see but also with all my health issues, I'm really struggling to look forward to a lot of things because there's so much uncertainty! I have a referral to see a counsellor as my pre-natal depression score was high, but with everything else going on I can't justify the $$ ($220 per session) before I find out what's wrong with my liver and get some answers so I can make a plan for the future.

~~~~

The only thing bothering me at the moment is my deteriorating health which has puzzled doctors and is causing me extreme anxiety. I had surgery on the 18th of December to remove a twisted ovarian cyst. On the day of the surgery I started vomiting and my surgeon said it was most likely due to the cyst twisting. After the surgery I continued to vomit and I was told it was just my body recovering after the surgery. After 9 days of constant nausea (I didn't have any nausea in my first trimester) and the most severe fatigue I've experienced, I'd finally had enough and booked in to see an OB (mine was on holidays). He ran a series of blood tests and discovered that my liver function was abnormal which would explain my nausea, etc.. He's since done 2 more liver function tests along with a heap of other blood tests and whilst my liver continues to deteriorate at an ever increasing rate, the rest of my body appears to be healthy. My WBC, platelets, blood pressure, kidney function and urine culture have all come back completely normal. I had an ultrasound on my liver and that also came back normal bar some mild fattiness. My OB is completely stumped and has sent me back to my surgeon for further investigation. When I called my surgeon's office to find out when I can get an appointment their response was "you'll hear from us some time next week with an appointment" and I could have cried right there on the spot. I'm trying not to think the worst, but with my general well being also deteriorating it's hard not to! I'm currently on 8mg zofran twice a day which keeps majority of the nausea at bay but I also have no desire to eat so force myself and then feel like I'm going to vomit for the hour or two after, despite the medication.

Wins: I had my parents stay with me for 2 weeks and my partner was also home for 3 weeks, and that was absolutely amazing. We had my partner's step son for a few days here and there during that three weeks (it was supposed to be for the whole time but I won't go into that now) and we spent most of that time with my nieces at their house. It was so great seeing him interact with kids his age away from technology and it meant my sister in law and her mum could spend some time observing him, and they've given me some pointers to help with communication. This has helped me accept him more and changed my whole attitude towards him (I'm sure some of you may remember my little melt down about him and his mum. I apologise profusely if I offended anybody then, I was not in a good place mentally and my relationship was also on the brink of finishing). Also, having some child free time with my partner was an absolute godsend and something we've never had before, so whilst we were both sad and a bit stressed that we didn't get to spend as much time with his as we would have liked, it was amazing and I am more in love with him than I've ever been!

I'm currently managing my mental health by working from home which means I don't need to see people, talk about my health, etc. I can organise my medical appointments for whenever I want without having to worry about work (they've been every second day since the 2nd of Jan) and can also sleep whenever I want. It's really helped relieve my stress levels and alleviated the need to push through my fatigue just to get something done. I'm so grateful for my work being so flexible with my current health issues.

alexva2017 · January 2019

@wiseh I am so sorry about your illness!! That is scary but hopefully they’ll figure it out soon. I would be upset too that an appointment wasn’t provided right then. I am so glad work is working with you so that you can take care of your health. Keep us updated and I’m hoping for the best!

alexva2017 · January 2019

Well, I got my some more results, and so far so good. My NIPT came back as 99.99% no Down syndrome, and the testing was negative for infections. Now I am just waiting for a Cystic fibrosis kit to arrive at our house so my husband can give a sample. The genetic counselor said that the likelihood of him being a carrier on this extended gene analysis is slim, but I’m still so worried. My anxiety has decreased a bit bc I know we’ve done all we can do, but I still cannot wait for these next few weeks to be over so we know more.

dfirstimer · January 2019

@alexva2017 glad you got your NIPT results and that they were positive. Good luck with the CF test and try to not stress too much

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