Come vent!

goldfishcraker · October 2018

Feel free to vent/ share how you are feeling!

I know it's normal to feel angry, frustrated, hopeless and... A multitude of other possible emotions.

I am lucky that I have several supportive people in my life (including DH). But I'm starting to feel guilty that I am over burdening them with my issues.

My most recent loss was in April, at 10w 2d. It was quite traumatic, emotionally and physically. (Severe post partum hemmorage, life threatening, long recovery). We were very open about the loss, in hopes that we could do our part to help destigmatize MC, educate people, and maybe help another person who suffers a loss to know they aren't alone.

We were lucky to have immense support, and eventually, for a while, I was doing somewhat better. (Stopped crying every day, wasn't thinking about it 100% of the time etc).

But now, as my due date approaches, I find I am regressing. I'm consumed by it again. Crying randomly.

And EVERYONE else seems to be pregnant. Today, I saw a nurse who was probably 7 months along, and I strongly felt like I want to crawl into a bunker and hide, until I get to have my own baby.

I had 2 friends I was pregnant with. Their babies will be coming any day now. I'm happy for them, but it's also killing me.

And every time I have a patient who is high and drunk, and pregnant, I want to punch them. In the face. With a chair.

Oh, also, my boss told me the other day that it's been long enough and I "have to get over it". (I had explained that my former EDD was coming up and that's why we wanted it off work).

I'm TRYING to focus on other things, and enjoy life. But I seem to be obsessed with this. I LOVE Halloween, but I'm not even looking forward to it this year. And Christmas this year is a wash, since we work all the holidays. So it feels like there is nothing to look forward to I guess.

It's kinda like the world is happening around me, and I am watching it go by whiled I'm consumed by this one topic of thought.

I hope once this EDD passes, I can start to heal again. But there seem to be triggers everywhere. And it's brutal.

Anyway, feel free to share your vent!

Mack2342 · October 2018

I’m sorry about your upcoming EDD. Those dates are very hard. I did the same thing with mine. I stressed started crying was getting angry but I planned something on my EDD and I found that I actually forgot it was that day because I was occupied and then I remembered the next day. I cried a little but then I was ok. I felt like the anticipation leading up to date was worse than actual date. So if you can find something to do that day I think it might help. Also talking about it helps. I talked to my DH and best friend a lot leading up to day. I hope you have better days.

sunflower1701 · December 2018

I feel the same way. I am currently going through a miscarriage and everything seems to trigger me. I can’t even watch tv without seeing a pregnant woman and crying.

kris321 · December 2018

Hi ladies! I am sorry for your losses. I am new to the discussion board. I miscarried at 8 weeks and have my d and e tomorrow. I think I'm in a similar line of work as the original poster. I give anesthesia for a living. Today, while cramping and passing blood clots, waiting for my d and e tomorrow, I got to do 3 c sections and put in an epidural.

Update- today I got my d and e and it really wasn't that bad! The cramping from my body trying to miscarry naturally was much worse! The perks of working in the operating room are huge, I got so many hugs, extra blankets, and lots of support from my friends to make a crappy day better!

sunflower1701 · December 2018

My experience waiting for my miscarriage to happen naturally was a bit traumatic. I hope we all get better soon.

teesabree · January 2019

Hey ladies, I almost started a new discussion but I remembered I'm not alone in this<3 & found this forum. I had a missed miscarriage, which was forced by pill back in mid November. it was THE worst time of my life & as mostly everyone has said, soooo many people were pregnant around me. I was a total depressed mess. To make it worst I even lost my job due to missing work because I bled for over a week (sorry if tmi) I am now in a wreck trying to find the correct legal way to go about this, while my BFF who is exactly as far along as I expected to be has a happy healthy 3rd pregnancy. And my birthday was 3 days ago, when I planned on sharing the news w the world. Recently me & my partner have cried about it which was very comforting to me seeing as how he Never talked about it before.. I had psyched myself into thinking he was happy w the miscarriage (we're not exactly the richest people on earth) but he finally broke down & I've realized he's been holding it in, trying to be strong for me. I really try my hardest not to be jealous and be supportive of my pregnant friends but I couldn't make it to my aunt's gender reveal, another lucky lady on her 4th pregnancy, well into her 30's as well. Mind you I'm 26 and have never been pregnant before my m/c so I had recently started to believe I couldnt have kids. Then as soon as I became content, okay w that, BOOM BFP. Just to have my angel take from me. Everyday I think about what life is supposed to be like & will I ever fully be over this.. even now I'm not sure if I'm psyching myself out because I've had constant stomach pains for the past week & I dont remember my early symptoms.. I put everything as far out of my head as possible becuase I planned on NOT trying for a while to avoid such heartbreak again so soon, but we didnt NOT try if that makes sense, & now im like googling statistics of pregnancies after miscarriage & calculating my ovulation thinking this may be my rainbow baby... well thanks sooo much to poster of this post lol this vent was much needed - all of you are in my thoughts & prayers. please keep me in yours

jandawg · January 2019

I am so sorry for everyone's losses. Sending good vibes and lots of love out there to you.

I had a MMC in December. Went for our first dating scan and didn't get to see anything which immediately sent us panicking. My midwife called and said they couldnt find a heartbeat and that the baby was only measuring 7 weeks instead of 10. I thought my dates could have been wrong due to a long cycle so we tried to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Did HCG testing which came back normal, but a week later it had fallen by half. Then our genetic testing came back and showed an abnormality. I was schedule for a D&C three days later. Thankfully it happened before Christmas and we were able to have restful holidays. It was tough, especially new years being around lots of kids and other pregnant people, but my husband and I have been well supported.

Then last week I got a call that they could find products of conecpetion in the tissue they removed. I needed a follow up ultrasound. I was so angry, I was just really ready to move on and being pulled back in, not having it be over, made me so upset. Then I turned 30 on Tuesday and tried to have a fun time. It immediately became obvious that my friend was pregnant at dinner. It was a shock and kind of threw me for a loop but I just tried to enjoy the evening.

Today I had the follow up ultrasound and the doctor scheduled me for an appointment tomorrow. I said "I guess you can't tell me anything more?" And she said "it's not URGENT urgent". I really wish she would have just said no.

I feel destroyed. It's been so hard to resist the temptation to shut down from everything. I am stuck thinking the worst and panicking, just hoping my midwife will call with more info today.

My husband and I are so ready to be parents. I just want my body to heal so we can try again.

jandawg · January 2019

Update: the first d&c failed. I am having another one tomorrow.

Mack2342 · January 2019

Sorry you have to have another. I hope all goes well today and you can start to recover @jandawg

dpjennifer · January 2019

Gotta vent...

My stupid doctor's office put in a QUALITATIVE beta hcg test instead of a quantitative beta test. How in the F*ck is one supposed to know if the number doubles in 48 hours or not, if they DON'T HAVE THE NUMBER TO START WITH FROM THE FIRST TEST!?!?!?

Silver lining side? The number is between 5 and 25, which is too damned low for where I should be in this PG, so unless there's a miracle in the cards for me, I'm headed for MC #5 so I guess it doesn't really matter what the damned actual number is. But going again tonight to get stabbed to find out, so I guess I can track it down to 0?

Seriously over this entire TTCAL thing... this shit is for the birds. God is a cruel asshole and the world is super unfair.

moni9818 · January 2019

I experienced a loss at 6 weeks pregnant back in october. My husband and I were so excited to finally start our family after trying for 5 months and nothing happening. When I started to bleed I panicked and didn’t know what to do. We ended up going into the ER that night and they told me it was a possible miscarriage and my heart sank into my stomach. It’s been 3 months we have been trying for one again and it just seems like it will never happen. My brother and his girlfriend are pregnant now and it has put me into depression. I feel like I should be happy for them but it just pisses me off seeing these people out there not even trying to get pregnant, get pregnant. It’s been really hard lately for me and I cry about every day. My husband and I just want a baby so bad and it just seems like it isn’t working out. We pray about 3-5 times every day asking the Lord to bless us with a baby but I’ve been starting to think he just can’t hear me. Is it normal to not get pregnant this soon after a miscarriage? I’ve read online that women tend to have an easier chance getting pregnant within the first 3-6 months after a miscarriage. Has anyone else experienced something like this? I keep trying to tell myself that there isn’t something wrong with me but it’s hard to believe it when I should be 4 months pregnant right now...

malloryfrommn · February 2019

Just moved over here from the September 2018 BMB. Bleeding and low HCG levels ar 7 weeks confirmed that we lost the pregnancy. FINALLY seeing an OB tomorrow to see exactly when we lost our little one, and discuss next steps. I've read a lot of old strings here (so helpful!) and I'm thinking D&C is the way to go. I'm feeling extra crampy today, and I'm terrified of naturally miscarrying.

Beyond fear around the how the next steps will go, I am kind of not okay emotionally. I am crying a LOT, and would love nothing more than to just stay in bed for a couple weeks. I can't concentrate, have little appetite, and even the smallest social interaction feels like a massive burden.

This was my very first pregnancy, and miscarrying has broken me.

My heart goes out to all of you. This is seriously the worst.

jd614 · March 2019

So sorry for everyone experiencing tough losses, anniversaries of losses and everything in between. I am moving over here from October 2019 moms board. I am blessed with 2 gorgeous boys and had a very easy time conceiving and pregnancies. I had my first miscarriage in November 2018 just shy of 6 weeks and passed everything naturally on my own. I am currently 8 weeks along and yesterday at my ultrasound the baby was only measuring 6w3d. We did see a flicker of a heartbeat but the midwife said it looked weak and that very rarely does this turn out to be a viable pregnancy. I will go back on Tuesday for another ultrasound. I am fully prepared to lose this baby as I also seem to be losing my main symptom which was breast soreness. But there is the part of me that won't give up on my baby and really prays that a miracle happens and we catch up. The waiting is the worst part for me. As sad as my last miscarriage was, I knew what was happening . It was much worse to go in for an ultrasound and get hit with that blow and now have to wait again. I have no signs of a miscarriage so likely will do a d&c....just sucks but I am really focusing on the fact that I have 2 wonderful children and that currently there is a living baby inside of me that still has a small chance.

kbrown2385 · March 2019

@jd614 I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I’ve been through it 3 times before and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Sending all the good vibes your way.

JillianLinn85 · March 2019

We went in for our dating scan on Thursday (2 days ago), feeling all of the symptoms of pregnancy I've been feeling for the last 10 weeks, nauseous, headache, sore boobs- the works. When the ultrasound technician was disturbingly quiet and not turning on the monitor for me to see, I knew things were bad. My husband and I were just in the waiting room giggling and chatting nonchalantly, now we're in the exam room sobbing. I took off work Thursday and Friday. I manage a restaurant and I scheduled myself on the floor tonight to cover for a coworker/friend who is processing her abortion. I thought I could do it. I had a good day. Until I didn't. I completely broke down. An ugly, public scene. I feel so embarrassed. I feel so much pain and numbness at the same time. No one at work knew I was pregnant (should have been 11.4 wks- Babe measured 10wks no heartbeat). I've had 2 miscarriages before, but both were earlier (6wks and 8wks, like that makes it easier??). I thought I'd be okay because I've been through this. It is not easier. It is not the same. I have a D&C scheduled for Monday, cramping just started now... I'm scared to pass this naturally. I'm terrified to go back to work. I want to be okay, but it is the furthest from what I am.

scarlett436 · March 2019

@jandawg So sorry you had to deal with that. How are you holding up?

@malloryfrommn How are you holding up? Did you go forward with the D&C?

@jd614 Keep us updated on how it goes tomorrow. Sending you good vibes. Here for you if you need to chat.

@JillianLinn85 Thinking of you. I hope your D&C went alright. Your description of the waiting room was my afternoon. Thank you for sharing your pain with us-helps me to not feel so alone right now.

Well, here I am from the October 2019 BMB. I am likely experiencing a missed miscarriage. We went in today for our dating scan, we were supposed to be 8w4d, but nothing showed up. No sac, nothing. Going to do bloodwork Wednesday to confirm that hgc levels are going down, and we'll go from there. I'm so confused by my body. We likely miscarried at 4-5 weeks, but I've had tender breasts, supper nausea, and been sensitive to smells for the past month and no signs of miscarriage. I am in shock.

MrsJessS · April 2019

I’m pretty sure I’m going through a chemical pregnancy.
I had a positive test Friday then started bleeding. Took another test yesterday and it was positive again. But I’ve had bleeding off and on since Friday and I feel like garbage. Went to the doctor this morning and they only did a urine test and it was “questionable” so they told me to come back Friday. Oh and if I am concerned about the bleeding she suggested going to the ER. My husband is gone for the month and I’m tired of crying by myself on the couch.
Just want this to be over.
Sorry. I don’t mean to barge in w my negativity. It’s just been a really rough day.

kbrown2385 · April 2019

@MrsJessS I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’d definitely ask for a blood test with a follow up 48 hours later to see where your levels are at. It would give you a better idea of what’s going on.

MrsJessS · April 2019

@kbrown2385 thank you. My doctor called yesterday and had ordered a blood test for this morning. Currently waiting for results.

melle1635 · May 2019

Going through something similar. I'd love to hear any success stories available

kattyknedgen96 · July 2019

I'm so sorry for all of your losses. I lost my first and only pregnancy in November of 2017. My now husband and I were not trying at the time because I wanted to get my degree first, so I was on birth control and got pregnant anyway. For ten minutes after I took the test, I thought "This wasn't how I planned it" but my husband was so supportive, it didn't take long for me to get excited. We went out and bought a bunch of pregnancy books at the secondhand bookstore, we told all our friends and family, and I even started buying maternity clothes at the Salvation Army. I started spotting at six weeks after I had some "fun" with DH, and I went to the ER the next day. The nurses were super nice and told me that spotting is normal, and miscarriages are common, and that I didn't have to worry even if I lost that pregnancy because I was young (21) and I would probably have a healthy pregnancy the next time. I was cramping super bad but I liked and said the cramping was light because for some reason I thought lying to myself would make it more likely that my miscarriage was just normal spotting. The doctor was an asshole and just deadpan delivered the news that my hcg levels were not where they should have been and left the room. No condolences were given even though I was clearly crying hysterically.
I thought of every possible way to blame myself for losing my baby. there has just been this baby shaped hole in my life ever since, and my husband and I have been trying since October of 2018. I have prayed so hard for a baby, and I get so worried that my one miscarriage broke something inside me, because I'm only 23 and can't seem to even get pregnant anymore.
Every time someone tells me that I "need to just enjoy my life while I'm young" or "there will be plenty of time for babies" I just want to choke them, because it feels like any amount of time might not even be enough, and how can I "enjoy my life" when I had one taken from me?
Sorry this was so long, I've just been thinking about all of this stuff a lot lately and I needed to just put it out there where people will understand the pain. Thank you so much for making this thread!

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