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emeraldcity603 · December 2018

Hi, I was a member of the June Board. I found out my baby didn't have a HB last Wednesday at 15 weeks. I went in because I started cramping on Tuesday and I hadn't felt movement in about a week. I hadn't thought much about the lack of movement bc it was still early and I had an anterior placenta. Early on they discovered I had a huge SCH that was 5cm big. I was put on bedrest and it healed. My OB said she thinks there was a chromosomal abnormality that caused heart failure because the baby had swelling. They took DNA to run genetic testing so we can have some answers.

I opted to be induced and I delivered my baby this past Friday. I had to wait until Friday because my husband wasn't able to get his night shifts covered. In the end I had to have a D&C to remove the placenta.

My OB told me she usually tells patients to wait a few cycles but she told me after 1 cycle I can try again since your more fertile after pregnancy. So I'm waiting for 1 cycle and then we are going to NTNP and see how it goes. I don't think I'm ready to go full force into TTC right now so this approach seems like a good middle ground.

Honestly, I don't even know how I will feel when/if I see a positive test. I'm usually always so excited but now, I'm not sure that will be my first feeling. Then, how will I ever feel excited and relaxed during the pregnancy? I feel like I will be scared to death the entire time and will likely have extreme PPA.

Any tips you ladies have on facing people after a loss like this would be great. I don't want to break down crying everytime I hear someone tell me they are sorry for my loss.

ruby696 · December 2018

Ah, @emeraldcity603, I'm so sorry. A few people knew about my first loss and my response was generally to say thank you and change the subject quickly. They got the hint. You can probably expect to at least tear up - not much to be done about that. In my experience, if you have anyone IRL you can open up to who has also experienced a loss, talking really is helpful and makes it easier to cope. I wish I had opened up sooner.

The women on this board are wonderful and so supportive. Welcome. And I hope your stay is short.

ETA: If you need someone to talk to, you're welcome to PM me.

minnek8 · December 2018

@emeraldcity603 I am so, so sorry. I didn't tell everyone about our losses so that I could better control the conversation and my reactions to it. There were just a lot of people that I didn't want to talk to about it. It's been over a year since our second loss and I think a lot of people still have no idea. There can be downsides to this approach, for sure. We have a lot of ignorant people in our life who are always pestering us about when we will have kids and I had one person go as far as to tell us that we were being selfish for waiting so long to have kids. Meanwhile, we've been trying for 2 years... hurtful.

I did, however, reach out to close friends and some family right away and essentially "circled the wagons" around us. When possible, I did it in many spheres of life including work, so that when I needed someone I could ask for help (like going for a walk, or finding an empty conference room to cry in, or whatever) and that helped a lot. I was really forward and honest when I needed to talk about it or when I really needed to NOT talk about it. Like @ruby696, finding someone else who has had a loss is incredibly helpful. I found other women who had experienced a loss were just less awkward talking about it, didn't say cliche or accidentally hurtful things as often, and understood the depth of the grief better than anyone else. I switched to an OB who had experienced loss herself for the same reason.

I, too, have similar anxieties about what it will be like to get pregnant again. I think a lot of us do. I see a therapist, and that is really helpful, and because my OB and therapist are in the same health system they can see each others notes in my chart and that has also been really helpful. My OB can see when I am struggling and with what and my therapist knows when I am going through a medical procedure and how it went. This approach has worked super well for me in terms of managing anxiety.

Mack2342 · December 2018

I’m sorry for your loss. I agree it helps to open up and talk about. The more I talked the less tearful I was. It took a long time for me to get past the tears and I still have bad days. TTC and Positive tests are definitely different post loss. I wish I could go back to the ignorant bliss before loss. This group has been extremely helpful for me. Hopefully you find some comfort here and aren’t here too long

emeraldcity603 · December 2018

Thanks ladies. I actually know someone who had a loss at 25 weeks who I can talk to. I will probably reach out to her and also see a counselor to help me work through everything.

I was sorta fearful to bring up TTC again with my husband. I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. I'm glad I did though because he wants whatever I want and I just needed to know that he was okay with trying again.

prpl11butterfly · December 2018

Oh @emeraldcity603 I am so sorry to see you here. I have no advice because I still break down a lot. Counseling had been helpful as had this group. Please feel free to PM anytime.

SpongeWorthy · December 2018

@emeraldcity603 I’m so sorry you find yourself here. I agree with others that finding people who have had similar journeys is the most helpful thing. I still tear up talking about DS 4 months post loss. It will take time. Most people won’t bring up my loss without me bringing it up first, so that makes it easier for you to avoid the topic if you feel uncomfortable. I’m an advocate for therapy as well. Even if you think you are doing ok, something may trigger you out of the blue, and it’s good to be set up with a therapist if/when that happens.

char245 · December 2018

I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree with everyone on finding those that you can lean on during this difficult time. You’re definitely in a good place here, you will get a lot of support from all the wonderful ladies on here!

dpjennifer · December 2018

emeraldcity603 I'm sorry for your loss. Hopefully the genetic testing will give you some answers. Also, please do NOT get your hopes up about the 'being super fertile after a MC.' That's something that gets tossed around a lot here; however, I don't really think there's a factual basis for it. Getting your hopes up and then finding out you're not KU within a few cycles can be devastating, especially if you're still trying to emotionally heal from your first MC.
Unfortunately, having a loss can really take all the joy out of PG. You'll never get to be that naive happy-go-lucky PG person again, and it really sucks a lot. However, know that MC is more common than we're told and there are a lot of people in this boat. Many of us have told people of our losses and/or posted on social media and reached out to support groups. Talking about it and knowing you're not alone can help. However, if you don't want to talk about it to EVERYONE that's ok too. Just know that it's ok to do what YOU need to do at this time. There are no right or wrong ways to grieve your baby and figure out how to move on in your life and TTCAL plan.

emeraldcity603 · December 2018

@dpjennifer I actually asked my doctor why they say your more fertile after pregnancy and she said she had no idea. That there is no evidence that supports the claim. I personally think when women finally stop bleeding after birth they think they have a few weeks before ovulation. So they go and have unprotected sex and it happens to fall right at their most fertile time.

I guess it is hopefully thinking that I will be more fertile and implantation won't be affected by the D&C. I appreciate the reminder that there likely isn't any truth in it. It is better for me to have realistic expectations.

40momma · December 2018

I am so sorry you find yourself here with us. I have been through 3 losses and I so badly wish I could go back to that naive person I was the first time I took a test and how incredibly happy I was. But after losing that one, unfortunately my second and third BFP were scary as hell. I know that I will never get to experience that innocent BFP again. But, I have such a huge admiration and stronger understanding of what so many women go through. TTC is not easy, it's an emotional journey. So although I know the next BFP won't be all joyful and innocent, I am a much stronger and sympathetic person than I was before. I guess if there's any stupid silver lining to all of this, this is it.

zuuls_mom · December 2018

I'm so sorry you have to be here @emeraldcity603. I had my first loss in Oct at 13 weeks and it was really difficult fielding the "sorry for your losses" since we had just announced on FB and at our offices a few days before. I still get blindsiding comments about my pregnancy from people I work with who don't know I lost him (it's a large company). It was really hard talking about it at first, but it's gotten easier and the support from people has been amazing. I totally understand your fear about TTC and getting KU again. I know when I get a BFP, I will feel panic and anxiety more than anything which is really upsetting to think about. We all deserve to feel elated, excited and happy. Sending love to you.

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