Disappointment on Gender.

melilinn92 · November 2018

Have you ever been disappointed on your babies gender when expecting the opposite? I have three boys and currently pregnant. I've always wanted a girl since my first and now I have mixed feelings about the gender. I dont like feeling this way, because I love my baby that's growing, but I'm afraid of feeling disappointed again. How do I get rid of these feelings

. Currently 10 weeks

emeraldcity603 · November 2018

I am always happy with a healthy baby. So I really just can't fathom being so disappointed because my baby didn't have a vagina.

gopokes35 · November 2018

It may be helpful to talk to a therapist, if the feelings continue once you find out the gender. What you’re feeling is not highly unusual, but a therapist may be help you to work through any disappointment. I’m sorry you’re asking for help in what’s meant to be a supportive group and so far the only response was to shame you.

mackorori · November 2018

I really wanted to bite my tongue, but it's been a rough day and my fuse is very short. *TW* ahead and apologies in advance for any rudeness on my part......

As I am now faced with a third loss at almost 13 weeks with zero living children, I don't have much to offer on your conundrum. I pray to god you never have to experience the kind of disappointment of loss that people like myself and so many others have had to endure, but perhaps thinking about what they must be experiencing and realizing that a happy, healthy baby is a blessing might help you get past the disappointment if you end up with another boy.

emeraldcity603 · November 2018

gopokes35 said:

It may be helpful to talk to a therapist, if the feelings continue once you find out the gender. What you’re feeling is not highly unusual, but a therapist may be help you to work through any disappointment. I’m sorry you’re asking for help in what’s meant to be a supportive group and so far the only response was to shame you.

I'm sorry, who are you? Are you even apart of this board? Do you even know the women who are apart of this board? A large part of this group is made up of loss moms so coming in here stating that another boy is so disappointing and they don't know how they are going to get past it is absolutely one of the rudest things anyone can do.

If the OP had spent anytime on our board lurking and actually reading the pinned posts she may have realized how rude it would be.

So, nope I have no suggestions on how she can get over having a perfectly healthy baby to take home from the hospital that just happens to have a penis.

BlondePeanut · November 2018

There was no shaming. If you read through our entire board, you will see that we have had many members who have lossed their babies and so it is hard to understand someone being upset over having a healthy baby just because they are of one gender or the other. I can get that she would like to have a girl after having all boys, but being able to have a healthy baby period is a blessing that unfortunately not everyone can experience.

oecmomma · November 2018

Wow, this is a thread made for a mom looking for support. Just like moms with trouble conceiving or having losses are looking for support. There is no wrong way to react to a pregnancy. As someone who has miscarried and is currently pregnant again with what will hopefully be my first child I’m not offended by this question in the least. I can totally see why in her scenario she may be disappointed in the gender. Disappointment is a natural feeling in life. And OP I just want to say I support you no matter how you feel. What you do and how you feel after the information if your right and your right alone.

meatballs37 · November 2018

mamalama92 said:

Have you ever been disappointed on your babies gender when expecting the opposite? I have three boys and currently pregnant. I've always wanted a girl since my first and now I have mixed feelings about the gender. I dont like feeling this way, because I love my baby that's growing, but I'm afraid of feeling disappointed again. How do I get rid of these feelings . Currently 10 weeks

I don’t think it is abnormal to have a little fleeting disappointment if you find out that your 4th healthy baby is a boy as well. If it happens to be a boy, take that moment and be sad. But how you continue to deal with it after that is where you probably won’t get a lot of sympathy from women here.

The whole “woe is me” attitude surrounding the sex of your baby is a little insensitive to women here who would give anything for one healthy boy, but haven’t had the chance since they have had so many losses, myself included. It also would be unfair to your son. You knew when you got pregnant a 4th time that it could possibly be another boy and yet you seem to already dread something that hasn’t even happened yet.

This tells me your focus is in the wrong place right now.

So to answer your question on how to “get rid of the feelings.” It’s ok to be sad, but don’t dwell on it. Buck up and be thankful you haven’t had to have a funeral for anyone of your children.

oecmomma · November 2018

meatballs37 · November 2018

knottieeeegjjbgg said:

This is not a loss thread. OP can post about whatever she wants. If this is triggering for you, you can go be upset about it in the TW thread. Someone telling her to seek professional help is exactly the right response if she’s having trouble with her thoughts

Does someone really need a professional for experiencing some disappointment? I don’t think so. I feel like this is a far stretch for advice.

The only way I could see it is if she mentally can’t get over it and it’s affecting her connection with her child. But OP also made the choice to get pregnant a 4th time fully knowing it could be a boy.

I think flippantly telling someone to see a therapist for normal feelings of disappointment is way out in left field.

ETA: After reading your response again, I’m glad I caught the QFP. You are essentially telling loss moms the only opinions they can have is in a designated area. Maybe your own loss didn’t affect you that much, but there are people here who have had a very tough road. Your response is just as insensitive here as you deemed others with the opposite opinion.

ki1244 · November 2018

Admittedly I'm not reading this coming from a place of loss, so for those who are upset by the question, please don't read this response as a lack of empathy. I can certainly accept that a reader's lens is shaped by her experiences, and that differs for everyone, and particularly a loss would change that focus. But I guess I don't see where OP expressed that she was facing some sort of debilitating temper tantrum -- just asking if anyone has dealt with disappointment (while expressing a love for her baby and a fear of feeling this way), which I can't imagine is terribly uncommon. Is it a faux pas to start a post like this? Probablt. Would it be helpful to know her first? Sure. But it doesn't seem like THAT much of a stretch to ask that on this board, just maybe in a different place.

@gopokes35 has been around on here, FWIW. I recognize the SN from a few other threads she's commented on over the last several weeks...not daily, but she's been here a while.

To OP: I'd second the suggestion of a counselor, or trusted older friend, if that's an option for you. I can't offer any advice or experience in your specific circumstance but that's been a help for me when I've been afraid of the feelings I've had when it comes to my pregnancy. I might also suggest, if you do stick around, to check out those pinned posts so it makes a little more sense how the board operates.

Dcwtada · November 2018

I will not pretend to speak for OP but I can understand disappointment, not in the reality of the sex of the child but the letting go of a hope. I cannot fault someone for feeling disappointed they think they will miss out on some experiences or a type of relationship especially since they stated they loved the baby already and hated they felt that way. We all want healthy babies, but we are also human with dreams.

KissMeImScottish · November 2018

@Dcwtada puts it beautifully. I have 2 boys and a girl, and I admit I am surprised this time by how
much I would like another girl. That desire is framed by my experience of being so close with my sister, and inevitably, without knowing what this baby is, I can picture my daughter with a sister, and can imagine the milestones that are unique to having a daughter (wedding, first child - those experiences as a mother are different when you have sons. Not bad, just different). If this baby is a boy, my daughter will be one very lucky girl with 3 amazing brothers. But until I know one way or another, there is that element of hope and a dream in limbo. If this baby is a boy, as @Dcwtada said, then I’ll be letting go of that imagined life, and that can be a little sad. So I understand OP’s feelings on that front. I think the limbo period between finding out you’re pregnant, finding out it’s healthy, and finding out what you’re having is where those imagined dreams exist. But as @meatballs37 said, the biggest thing here is letting go of that disappointment if she does have a 4th boy and not dwelling on it once she knows one way or the other. OP, there’s a saying that has helped several of my friends who have all sons: “A woman with all sons will be surrounded by handsome men all her life.” I completely understand the desire to have the experience of parenting both girls and boys, but if you have all sons, there are so many wonderful experiences you will have. Look for the positives.

wendyann19 · November 2018

Dcwtada said:

We all want healthy babies, but we are also human with dreams.

Well said.

@meatballs37 I think there’s a lot of things going on here we’re not necessarily aware of, but people go to therapy for all sorts of reasons. I say this with absolute respect for the fact that some losses just can’t be compared. Sometimes what gets you to show up for therapy is just the tip of the iceberg. The loss of a dream may be triggering other losses.

That at all being said, please mind that there is a lot of support to be givenwhen the structure of the board is followed, OP

tsa208 · November 2018

Hi @mamalama92. This exact topic came up the last time I was pregnant, and lots of women felt this way. Indeed, it wound up being a 4 page discussion and I think it helped a lot of women to express themselves on the subject and work through the emotions. The disappointment can be a very normal feeling, especially if you feel this may be your last chance to have a daughter. Here is a link to that discussion if it helps in any way. Hugs!

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12710888/gender-dissappointment

oecmomma · November 2018

Sure, your loss outweighs mine - if that’s the position you want to take. Like I said originally, there is no wrong way to be pregnant/react to pregnancy. This OP was seeking support. I’m glad a few women came on here to offer sincere help and not to berate. Happy Monday!

emeraldcity603 · November 2018

knottieeeegjjbgg said:

Sure, your loss outweighs mine - if that’s the position you want to take. Like I said originally, there is no wrong way to be pregnant/react to pregnancy. This OP was seeking support. I’m glad a few women came on here to offer sincere help and not to berate. Happy Monday!

**Removed for TOU Violation**

meatballs37 · November 2018

1. You said you weren’t offended
2. You dismissed loss moms and told them to go elsewhere
Those are your words.

If you actually knew the ladies in the PGAL thread you would know that no one plays the pain wars there. You wouldn’t know that since the only time you have shown up is to stir the pot.

@BumpAdmin please shut this down

Dcwtada · November 2018

I was thinking we had gone too long without a white knight, glad to see they still exist and come in with banners ablazing

nmbrcrnchr1 · November 2018

knottieeeegjjbgg said:

Sure, your loss outweighs mine - if that’s the position you want to take. Like I said originally, there is no wrong way to be pregnant/react to pregnancy. This OP was seeking support. I’m glad a few women came on here to offer sincere help and not to berate. Happy Monday!

Ok I’ve been staying out of this but this is going too far. We do not tolerate the pain olympics here. If that’s the game you’re going to play you are not welcome here. I can say that the loss moms who have commented on this board I have interacted with for almost a year and no one is saying their loss is worse than others. That being said the loss of a dream (specific sex of your future child) comes nowhere close to the loss of an actual child (born or unborn). Because I don’t know you as you seem to just be a troll I don’t know your past so I’m not going to assume what you’ve been through. But if you actually want to be apart of this community, stop this nonsense and actually participate in the threads we have here. Instead of trying to WK and stir up drama.

oecmomma · November 2018

The name of this thread is Gender disappointment. Anyone who came on here to shame the OP did it with intention to stir the pot. Poster said to me “maybe your loss didn’t affect you as much”
i deleted a post MINUTES after posting bc I thought you know what not my place. Someone caught it and for that I am sorry. I’m still not offended by the OP post which is WHAT I SAID. I see a lot of the same ladies telling women to “gtfo” of forums or bullying them and that’s really sad. I shouldn’t have made my second post but I certainly stand by my first. You don’t need to make 100+ posts to be a part of this community. Some people like to be spectators. I posted bc I felt badly for this OP.

harrierwife · November 2018

This thread went over just the way I thought it would. #knowyouraudience #I'lltakeakidwithaworkingbrainand4limbsplease

tsa208 · November 2018

In addition to the thread I posted from my previous Bump group, here are a few articles that may help you work through any emotions. It's a relatively common thing to be sad that you may miss out on a mother-daughter relationship and all the things that may come with it. But you'll almost certainly get over it and those feelings will be replaced by the excitement of another baby!

https://www.thebump.com/a/gender-disappointment

https://www.parents.com/getting-pregnant/gender/prediction/the-boy-girl-blues-dealing-with-gender-disappointment/

https://www.babble.com/pregnancy/overcoming-gender-disappointment/

https://www.thecut.com/2016/01/gender-disappointment-boy.html

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