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May 2019 Moms
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Mental Health November
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Anything mental health related put it here. We'll start with a monthly thread. If needed, we'll expand to weekly.
Re: Mental Health November
then 3 failed IUIs, and finally a successful IVF FET.
Due with #2 5/2/19 after HIO once in my FW,
because apparently that's how life works now. Team Blue!
I have a history of anxiety, which was controlled with Zoloft. I never had a lot of depression symptoms though, but if I am 100% honest, I did deal with some OCD behaviors prior to going on meds. Like a lot of women, I weaned off the meds about a year before TTC and thought I was going great. I had 2 MMCs before getting pregnant with DD. At 6 weeks with DD, all hell broke loose. I was having weird symptoms related to circulation issues and migraines and I decided to google my symptoms. After googling, I decided that I had this awful autoimmune disease and that I was going to die. Unfortunately, this wasn't just a brief bout- this lasted all pregnancy. I spent hours and hours online reading about the disease, participating in message boards, became friends with a lot of people who had the disease. I went Dr to Dr trying to find someone who would take me seriously. It didn't help that around this time I stopped sleeping. Like for 4 days straight. Ended in the ER 4 times in this period, started hallucinating, and called the Moms crisis line multiple times. Oh and Donald Trump was elected that week. It was seriously the worst week of my life.
After 4 weeks, I got a "rush" appt with a maternal child health psychiatrist who started me on Zoloft and let me stay on the Ambien that the 4th ER Dr finally prescribed me. I'd like to say that it worked in pregnancy, but I really don't think it ever did. My anxiety was reduced, but my OCD never went away and my depression was pretty consistent. If I wasn't reading about the awful diseases that I had, I was reading about ways to commit suicide. It was a really really awful time. DH was scared to leave me alone.
My depression was most manageable when I was at home and not working, so we decided that I should stop working at 35 weeks and I sat on my couch with my dog and didn't leave my couch except to go to Drs appts until the baby was born. I didn't watch TV. I didn't prepare for the baby. I just researched the disease I thought I had and prepared to die since I was positive I would die in childbirth. Thank god I work at a place that actually recognizes that pregnancy depression is a thing and that recognized I had it bad and encouraged me to take care of myself and my baby first. They gave me 18 weeks off paid so that I could stay home until DD was 13 weeks and I could not be more thankful for that.
By about 10 weeks PP, I was back to myself. It was a slow process, but I found myself making plans and actually wanting to leave my house. All of my normal emotions came back. I hadn't felt so good since before i went off my meds.
This time, I have remained steady. I do have days where getting off my couch sounds absolutely dreadful, but I attribute that to exhaustion more than anything. I do, greatly worry about PPD this time though. My psychiatrist is closely monitoring me and we have a plan. I have a therapist that I like a lot this time (last time I could tell that she was not set up to deal with someone dealing with such acute issues). Overall, I feel better just knowing that I got through severe mental health issues in pregnancy and I can get through it all again.
My story is pretty long so I'll try to sum it up. When I was 18 I joined the military, I went through a few traumatic events. I was harassed and treated like shit regularly following these events. I drank a lot, was promiscuous and began self harming to cope. No one bothered with looking into PTSD as the culprit but they labeled me as borderline (though I've been told by many professionals I don't strike them as borderline at all).
In 2010 I was hospitalized for self harm for the first time. I tried to quit drinking but it didn't work. In 2011 I was hospitalized again for suicidal ideation. I had a plan. I was going to do it. But a friend asked me if I was, and I started crying so he reported me to mental health and I was hospitalized. During that time, I was medically retired (this is why you may hear me talk about receiving military pension or retirement, or being retired) from the military after 4 years. I learned in the hospital the second time that I was very sensitive to others' emotions and found it very easy to calm my peers during panic attacks. It's when I decided I wanted to be a nurse.
I met my husband 1 week after I got out of the military. We were happy, but in December 2011 (we were already engaged at this point), I attempted suicide. He promised he'd never leave my side as long as he never had to go through that again. We've both kept our promises. He watches me, pushes me, calms me. He's my rock.
I have since been diagnosed with bipolar II. I'm not on any medication or receiving any treatment at all. My first pregnancy I was on nothing. I managed (though admittedly not well) but the worst was after he was born. I am still not sure I want to be on anything this time due to the paranoia I feel surrounding it, but I do want to be on something after the baby is born for absolute certain.
There's my novel, sorry.
*TW Whole Post Basically*
I was diagnosed with depression at age 17 after I swerved in front of a semi, hoping to be hit. I changed my mind at the last second and veered back into my lane. I spent the next day crying in my Guidance Counselors office, who helped me call 2-1-1 (a mental health helpline in my community) and then call my mom and tell her what I was struggling with. I quickly was put on meds and seeing a pediatric psychiatrist. She was absolutely horrible for me in every way possible and it never got better while I was seeing her.
In college, I attempted to hang myself from my lofted bed using a scarf. My roommate found me and helped me get the help I needed. I started seeing a family psychiatrist who specialized in substance abuse. I didn’t have abuse problems but he knew so much and it was far more helpful than the pediatric psych I was seeing. I was also visiting the psychiatrist on campus at my school. Between the two, I was able to make it through my first three years of college with few other incidents. I was even weaned off my meds medically after learning coping mechanisms to help.
In 2014, I was a Big Sister through Big Borther Big Sisters. My Little Sister was under the care of her grandmother in Minnesota. In August, my little sisters mom, step dad, and 6 younger brothers and sisters were murdered by her abusive father over 12 hours. It was hell for her, but it was hell for me too. I was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after the incident and had multiple panic attacks a week for months after the murders. I was placed back on an anti-anxiety med as well as a separate med to help with the panic attacks, since the anti-anxiety didn’t help with those entirely.
I am still on anxiety and depression medication as I cannot function every day without it. I do so much better with the meds, but pregnancy has definitely made it difficult.
Now, I’m watching this cycle with my niece. She is currently in the psych ward after her 6th suicide attempt. It is painful to watch and so hard as I know exactly how she feels but cannot provide the help that she needs.
So that’s my story.
So none of my family would take me in because they thought I was being a little shit of a teenager and was dating a hoodlum. I'd try to win over their approval for the next 7 years. Every time I saw my mom, she'd tell me that I was a piece of shit for picking some rando instead of family and that when we got married, they wouldn't be there, i wouldn't have a father daughter dance and my dad wouldn't walk me down the aisle.
When we got engaged, I went to their house to tell them alone and my dad said he'd love to be a part of the wedding and would do whatever I would like. My mom said she'd buy my dress for me but didn't want to go shopping with anyone else but me... Umm no... I'm not having my dress memories with only the wicked witch of the West. So she said she wouldn't be a part of it.
A month before the wedding, my dad took me to dinner to talk about the wedding and read me a two page typed letter about how I was the biggest disappointment of a daughter they could have ever imagined and he couldn't be a part of our wedding. They booked a cruise for the week of our wedding so they couldn't be coerced by family to end up going.
Over the last 11 years, I've struggled with the fact that my parents live less than 5 miles from me and I haven't seen them since last April when my dad told me I was the biggest disappointment they could've imagined. I'm starting to realize my worth without them but it's been an extremely tough journey mentally. I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now.
And I had pretty much landed on definitely getting on meds and then I read a review where the woman said her son has xyz problems and she blames herself for being on the meds. My son has all those problems and I wasn't on meds but I blame myself still. I can't imagine actually having a reason to blame myself. I still don't know what to do, I'm losing my fucking mind. Doctor's appointment is in a week ish. I'll be honest with her and see what she wants to do. I don't think I can do this much longer.
But unless your mom gets help, nothing is going to change.
@eatinwatermelonseeds Girl, I'm seriously worried about you! Could you please please try to see a doctor as soon as possible? I would even suggest going to the ER. You being in this state is way more dangerous than you taking the meds. How can you take care of your kids if you're not even taking care of yourself? Please, this is really serious now.
I wrote that last night and apparently didn't post it. I'm sorry for that. I woke up today feeling a little better. I'm stressed about this house crap but I don't feel hopeless today. I'm going to read a book that @mrskoz428 mentioned in a different post and just relax.
@eatinwatermelonseeds I'm glad your weekend got better, but please still reach out to get some help and relieve. No one deserves to feel like shit.
My mom isn't an addict but she is very entitled. When I was pregnant, she got a tax return in the beginning of my pregnancy and I urged her to buy a plane ticket then so she could see my son born. She said no, and bought a computer. I honestly think she figured if she just waited, there was no way I wouldnt pay for her. Fast forward, I kept telling her to buy a ticket, she insisted they were cheaper the closer you get 🙄 and then the month I was due she quit her job and said she couldn't come. I think it also had something to do with me saying she wouldn't be in the delivery room because we wanted it to be just us. She didn't meet him until he was 5 months old. But because he got very sick, she ended up coming out literally the day he was released from the hospital, he was withdrawing from morphine and ativan and she spent the whole trip complaining that he was so high and she wanted to go to Seattle and do xyz. It was just miserable. I hope I never treat my kid like that. She's always treated me as though I owe her for all she did for me. She fed me and clothed me.... So basically I owe her for being a mother 🙄
@eatinwatermelonseeds you're doing so good. One step at a time. I hope the phone call is over and you were able to make the appointment, I know you can do it ❤️
I have PTSD from everything that happened surrounding DS's birth. This past weekend was full of joy over DS turning one and full of misery reliving that day and the ones that followed. I'm trying hard not to think about where I was exactly a year ago today. Though what I think I'm supposed to do is let the feelings just happen and then they can be over. It's like it happened yesterday. That's all for me.
then 3 failed IUIs, and finally a successful IVF FET.
Due with #2 5/2/19 after HIO once in my FW,
because apparently that's how life works now. Team Blue!
Im so thankful for this thread. I’ve literally never talked to anyone else who’s been throughout depression and PPD about my own issues and this is my third go around. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety since I wasn’t 15. I’ve been on multiple meds. Currently taking Pristique and Wellbutrin. They were working until I got pregnant but since then it’s like everything has changed. I have at least 3 days a week I don’t want to get out of bed. I’m just glad we now have a place to share and support each other!
I'll let you know if I get the guts to take it. And please, please don't judge. This is not for recreational use, it was not a first choice, and it was following extensive research (which I've been doing for weeks now but really got serious about today). I just need to do something.
Think about whether using it will end up helping or hindering your mentality. I've heard mother's guilt is a bitch from others so I just dont want you to wish you hadn't later. I'll send all my good vibes your way whichever way you lean
I need something. And obviously getting pharmaceuticals at the moment isn't an option. I called my doctor's office and never heard back. I also feel so much better about cannabis considering I've never been a daily user and don't intend to become one and a pharmaceutical would require daily use. The drug I will be taking is also associated with more negative outcomes than cannabis is.
And mother's guilt seriously is a bitch. It's why I've put off doing anything for this until now (when I feel like I'm not far from having suicidal ideations). My son has so much that's challenged us and though there's no connection to anything I did while pregnant (I never used cannabis during my pregnancy, and the only medication I took was Tylenol) I still blame myself. But I don't think I'm getting out of this without taking something. I can't do this alone. And both options run risks. 😞
The medication I'm supposed to take has a long ass list of side effects. It will take at least 2 weeks of taking it daily to help in the least. This was one tiny drop, the only thing I thought might be a side effect, but could've also been dehydration was a headache. I felt calmer within 20 minutes. I won't need this daily. If it gets bad again, I may take it a couple days in a row, but I'm not even sure that's going to be necessary, I just have to see how I feel later. I'm really leaning toward this being the answer.
I took 3 Class C drugs while pregnant with DD and I will I’ll tell you the guilt was real. I was sure she’s be born with 2 heads. But it helped me sleep and she does not seem to have any repercussions. I will also tell you that I saw many many Drs that refused to prescribe me anything so if you don’t have a Dr well versed in pregnanct, they will refuse to prescribe anything. No Dr in any state can prescribe marijuana without risking their medical license. I don’t know that the risks are more than class c drugs I was in. And I don’t think anyone could tell you for sure.
So I guess this my roundabout way of saying do what you need to do, lady. No judgements here. Taking a step to help yourself is the best thing you can do.