Monday Bitch Fest 10/29

mrskoz428 · October 2018

@eatinwatermelonseeds oh, I agree. I just have to be very careful about how I approach it because parents usually get really defensive when you suggest they did something wrong. And yes, that child must have had a death wish. He came up to me and apologized and I said thank you but that doesn't fix it. The child has diabetes and knows how important it is to eat when you need it.

eatinwatermelonseeds · October 2018

@mrskoz428 yeah, I get that. I guess realistically there's not much you can say to them that wouldn't make them defensive.

mrskoz428 · October 2018

@eatinwatermelonseeds sadly, that's the truth. I can only state what I've seen regarding his behavior and hope for the best!

kvh22 · October 2018

@mrskoz428 even if they won't admit it to you, at the very least, they're probably embarrassed. Even if you don't say it outright, you know that he repeated, at least in some part, what they said (most likely the mother) because no 4th or 5th grader knows about pregnancy and lifting restrictions

mrskoz428 · October 2018

@kvh22 Exactly. I know full well he got that from his mother. I honestly said the same thing when I was talking to my coworkers about it. They know full well that he repeated exactly what they said. Hopefully they are incredibly embarrassed is all I have to say!

sleepy33 · November 2018

@mrskoz428 hopefully they learn a good lesson about not saying things to him they don't want him to repeat (which in turn will hopefully make them think about BEING BETTER PEOPLE IN GENERAL AND NOT SAYING SUCH THINGS GEEZ). When is their conference? I can't wait to hear how they react!

mrskoz428 · November 2018

@sleepy33 not until 5:20 tonight, but trust me, I’m VERY curious about how this will turn out. I don’t think they are bringing him with, which will make it interesting. I wish parents brought their kids. I talk a lot about what I want to see the child do and if the child isn’t there, who knows the message that’s repeated back at home.

sleepy33 · November 2018

mrskoz428 said:

@sleepy33 not until 5:20 tonight, but trust me, I’m VERY curious about how this will turn out. I don’t think they are bringing him with, which will make it interesting. I wish parents brought their kids. I talk a lot about what I want to see the child do and if the child isn’t there, who knows the message that’s repeated back at home.

Our school does student-led conferences, which I think is really cool, though being on the admin side I haven't actually experienced it yet.

mrskoz428 · November 2018

@sleepy33 when the child is here, that’s what I try to do. Sadly, we don’t require the students to be here, which would be required in my perfect world!

robyn2201 · November 2018

@mrskoz428 I find it interesting how every school does things differently, be it homework, procedures, or that parent teacher conferences might include the student. At my girls school, the conferences have always been parents only. The school provides aides on the playground to watch the kids. I do think it’s important that they know what their teacher and I talked about, so I always sit down with them afterwards and we talk about what they are excelling at and give them praise. And then we talk about the things that either need to change (behavior) or if they need to put more effort into a certain subject or spend more time studying.

DuchessOfCambridge · November 2018

I'm randomly upset with a friend who posted an article about how parents who throw gender reveals are assigning genders to their unborn children and are terrible parents and how dare they and they hate transgenders and gays (I had a gender reveal with DS, and did not want to call it a sex reveal or sex party) and argued with me when I said the baby wouldn't know and babies barely know they exist much less what gender they identify with and that those convos are important to have when the child does have an opinion and if this is the issue then we also shouldn't be calling them little boys and girls because those are gender not sex but no one wants to call their child their little female, etc (she very much disagreed and said no, parents who have gender reveals are 100% to blame and are the worst), but....then yesterday she asked me when I was finding out gender. Like, what? You say parents shouldn't be having gender reveals because of the implications but then you still use the word gender to mean sex?

I'm just feeling pretty salty about it.

mrskoz428 · November 2018

@sleepy33 well, the parents did take a tiny bit of credit for their child saying such a rude comment to me. They said they were joking around about it at home but that it should not have been taken to school. I agreed with them and said that part of having a sense of humor is knowing when it’s appropriate to joke around and when it’s not. I think they more embarrassed than anything.

expandcontract · November 2018

mrskoz428 said:

@sleepy33 well, the parents did take a tiny bit of credit for their child saying such a rude comment to me. They said they were joking around about it at home but that it should not have been taken to school. I agreed with them and said that part of having a sense of humor is knowing when it’s appropriate to joke around and when it’s not. I think they more embarrassed than anything.

@mrskoz428 Wow! I can't believe that actually owned up to it! Good on them! Hopefully, they've learned valuable lesson..

mrskoz428 · November 2018

@expandcontract honestly, I was too. It’s pretty rare that parents acknowledge that they contributed to a behavior issue. They were VERY quiet most of the conference. I could tell the mom was very uncomfortable, which she should be. I’m satisfied.

brie_and_almonds · November 2018

@mrskoz428 I'm having a hard time thinking about how this "joking around" could have been anything but them mocking you... no wonder the kid has behavior problems. At least they owned it... I guess they're not the worst kind of parents.

DuchessOfCambridge · November 2018

@mrskoz428 I’m so glad you talked to them about it and forced them to feel uncomfortable and that they were apologetic and knew they did something wrong. So impressed! Being a teacher sounds really hard, I don’t think I have the personality for it.

mrskoz428 · November 2018

@DuchessOfCambridge it certainly is but I wouldn’t change it for the world, even with days and comments like that. It’s all about teaching these kids the academics on top of how to be a decent human being. :-)

beccaneu · November 2018

So I know it’s way last Monday, but I had to get this off my chest.

My mother has been visiting us this week and she knows that we’ve been trying to conceive but doesn’t know that I’m pregnant yet.

Yesterday we were talking and she started asking me a ton of intrusive questions about my husband’s OCD, which has been a little worse then usual since we moved because of all the stress we’ve been under getting things settled with the house. She then started going on and on about how we shouldn’t have children at all because of his OCD and that it was probably a good thing that my previous two pregnancies ended with loss.

She later dropped it, but refuses to apologize for her opinion that we would ruin any future child we had. I’m just so pissed at her right now.

mrskoz428 · November 2018

@beccaneu I would have told her right then and there’s that I was pregnant and make her feel like a total bitch! I’m sorry you have to deal with that. That is completely unfair.

eatinwatermelonseeds · November 2018

@beccaneu I think she'll be more likely to apologize if you tell her she's pregnant. (Okay I'm keeping that because omg 😂 but I totally mean YOU'RE) Because she doesn't really realize JUST how much of an asshole she looks like right now. But maybe I expect too much of people.

I had someone ask why I wanted more children if my first is autistic. (my husband is on the spectrum as well, but this wasn't something we knew before). I certainly worry about what a second autistic child will mean for our family and the severity of the second if they are autistic. But realistically my boy is the most amazing little human. He has empathy I never thought possible, he is compassionate, he is smart. He will always be faced with challenges, but that's life. If everyone in the world decided not to have children because of mental illnesses, the human race would end. It's life. I hope my child will never suffer like my husband has (or like I if they have depression or anxiety) but I have taken early steps to ensure that doesn't happen. And you can too. Don't let her ruin your happiness. That baby will be a happy, loved baby no matter the outcome. You know the signs and you can be on top of helping him or her manage it early. Ugh. I'm so mad for you. 😡

expandcontract · November 2018

@beccaneu WOW! OCD is not even that bad of a disease to have. There are treatments for it to keep it under control. She was completely out of line to say that you shouldn't have kids because of that AND that's it's good you had MC?!!
Your mom sounds like mine when she's off her meds. So sorry you're dealing with this. It just makes it worse when they don't accept they did something wrong.

eatinwatermelonseeds · November 2018

The more I think about it the more I just feel like it's the same as saying "people with mental illnesses don't deserve to be alive" like what? Maybe I'm being dramatic, but it's making me so so mad for you.

megsb615 · November 2018

@beccaneu That makes me so upset for you. Sometimes mothers (mine especially) mean well with their comments and don’t realize how wrong it comes out, but it by no means makes it acceptable. I would be furious. She was out of line with that. My opinion is that it’s no one’s decision but mine and my husband’s when it comes to having a baby. People should learn to have some tact and when to keep comments to themselves. I’m sorry she said that to you.

beccaneu · November 2018

@mrskoz428 I was so tempted to tell her “well, you’re too late. I’m already pregnant.” Just to see her reaction. Honestly though, I feel like with the way she’s been acting she doesn’t deserve to be the first one to get that news.

@eatinwatermelonseeds & @expandcontract The thing about it is my husband’s OCD isn’t even that bad. The majority of it revolves around him having to do repetitive rituals with our door locks every night before he goes to sleep. Most nights you wouldn’t even notice it, but when he’s really tired, stressed or our routine is off it can take him almost an hour to do all his rituals. Sure it’s not ideal, but as mental illnesses go, it’s pretty mild and he is on medication that helps. We are both aware that having a baby will probably make things worse for him for a while, but that’s hardly a reason for us not to have one. After all if we avoided everything that was going to be stressful, we’d never live our lives.

expandcontract · November 2018

@beccaneu Yes, I can tell from what little I know about you that you both are good parents and that's what matters. Especially considering how awful some other parents can be.
In regards to more exciting her to be the 1st to know that you're pregnant, I totally get it! My mom has been annoying me ever since my DAUGHTER was born how I should have a son next. And for that reason, alone, I'm not telling her the sex of this baby.

DuchessOfCambridge · November 2018

@beccaneu that's crazy, I'm so sorry she said that to you. You're both adults and are aware of your husband's condition and knowingly brought a baby into your lives for good reason! You know yourselves! That was not fair.

@eatinwatermelonseeds someone actually said that to you? I can't imagine if someone said that to me about DS. Like yes, he has some things going on and it's hard but he is AMAZING and I couldn't love him more. I wish what happened to him hadn't, but I would 100% live through it all again if it meant having him vs not.

troystory17 · November 2018

@beccaneu I'm sorry that's awful some of the shit that mothers say is unreal. After we lost our son my mother said it was probably because I'm diabetic 👌🏻 as if I wasn't strictly watching it and it was somehow my fault.

eatinwatermelonseeds · November 2018

@DuchessOfCambridge yes. I think it was more curiosity than anything. I was in nursing school with an autistic 4 year old. It was HARD. And she was basically just like "aren't you afraid your second will be autistic, too?" And I am. The chances are much higher the second time, not as high if it's a girl, and not as high the longer you wait between kids. If we had a second boy within a year of our first, we could almost guarantee he'd be autistic and typically by the statistics I read, the second is more severe than the first. BUT. We've waited a while. Which is on our side. And we've gotten Colin in early interventions. I fought to be heard, he was finally referred for an evaluation and he started interventions pretty quickly after. He's so much better. He's a beautiful soul, seriously. I don't know if I could handle if this baby is identical to how he was as a baby, but I also am much more prepared than I was the first time. This is a different life than I pictured 5 years ago, but it's incredible. I seriously have the sweetest little boy, and I can't imagine how he would be if he wasn't autistic. It makes him the smart, imaginative, beautiful soul he is. Ugh. Sorry, I'm stepping my soap box. I just think people forget how amazing children are, with or without special needs. And I'm making it so he will be a fully functional adult. Anything that comes with this second baby, we will handle.

beccaneu · November 2018

@eatinwatermelonseeds wow, I know it’s probably a lot to deal with but your son is so lucky to have a mom like you fighting on his behalf and recognizing how special he is.

eatinwatermelonseeds · November 2018

@beccaneu d'aww you're going to make me cry ♥️ I'm just doing the best I can.

brie_and_almonds · November 2018

@eatinwatermelonseeds I feel very confident that this baby will definitely not be exactly the same as your firstborn, even if it turns out that he/she does have autism. I've never heard of a parent saying their second kiddo was just like their first (mine sure aren't).

Also, this is purely anecdotal, but a few years ago I had a set of brothers in my class (older bro one year, younger bro the following year), and they both had autism, but it was very different for both of them. The older brother had a very social/friendly temperament and extremely high empathy, but really struggled academically, which caused him a lot of stress. The younger brother often came across as insensitive or cold and told things the way they were, but he was very academically successful. Either way, though they both came from the same parents and both had autism, they were completely different people, each with strengths and challenges of their own.

Lastly, parents of kids with autism are consistently the strongest, most involved/aware, caring parents I have met. Good for you for making sure your kiddo gets what he needs and being his advocate when he can't advocate for himself.

DuchessOfCambridge · November 2018

My lab partner for a nursing pre-requisite was autistic and he was a great lab partner because he was so smart and didn’t mess around. He didn’t get social cues so there were a few instances where I had to blatantly say things like “that’s very rude, I didn’t like that you said that” or “I want to stop having this conversation now” but he didn’t take it offensively, it was just how he understood. I had to be blunt. We both got A’s in the course but he consistently better than I did on every test. Autism does not mean you can’t be successful and have a great life

eatinwatermelonseeds · November 2018

@brie_and_almonds I actually feel like you just described my son (emphatic, social, but struggles with academics) and my husband (zero empathy, kind of rude af, but incredibly intelligent). But actually my son hasn't always been the way he is. The last 6 months of behavioral therapy have made him blossom. I know logically this baby will be different, but what I don't know is if it will be better or worse lol. I think my son was honestly one of those babies that people say "if he was my first I would've never had any more" 😂 but here we go again! Realistically I know it'll be okay. Also, your last little paragraph made me tear up. I'm just hoping that he won't struggle as much as my husband has. My husband was in the military, which is a lot of politics. He got into a lot of trouble, he had a lot of issues communicating, people thought he was dumb and told him often. They thought he was rude, and told him often. He was treated like shit on a daily. When he got out of the military, we were terrified.... That was our well being... But he found engineering, and it's been the perfect fit. He still stresses over whether he's being understood or saying the right thing. He tends to take things personally when they aren't meant that way, because he really struggles with reading people and just goes to the worst case. But no one ever says he's dumb or an idiot, no one treats him badly. I imagine they probably do think he can be rude, but it hasn't affected him negatively. He has told me that when he was in the military, he WAS dumb and everything those assholes told him were right. It breaks my heart, and I just tell him that if you ask a fish to climb a tree, you may think he's dumb too, it was just the wrong fit. (I saw that somewhere lol I didn't come up with it, obviously). I hope my son never has to deal with that. That is what I'm working so hard for. (Side note: my husband has never had a formal diagnosis, I didn't even get an inkling myself that he was autistic until C was diagnosed). I always knew he was sweet, and there was way more too him than just being an asshole (which he very well can be lol) and I think that's why I've stuck by him through everything because he cares that he is perceived as an asshole, he doesn't feel like he is, and it's not a defensive thing, it's more a "I really don't mean to be" thing, and that just always struck me and I believed him now I know.

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