Who have you made aware of your fertility struggles?

inthewoods23 · October 2018

As I look towards preparing myself for my first RE appointment next week, it has me thinking about with whom I want to share the details of our struggle.

Last week I was out shopping with a friend and she had asked how DH and I are doing. She knows we've been trying for a long time and wasn't sure if it was okay to ask. I was fine giving her some of the details and afterwards I got the feeling that it was probably beneficial to have someone to speak to. I'm just not sure what I would be most comfortable with, especially with the holidays coming up.

I feel like my in-laws would be a good resource as they took 4 years to have DH and IUI for my SIL. At the same time, I think I would find it stressful to talk to any family about it. I don't like being open with my feelings with my parents. It's something that has always been really awkward for me. I'm definitely not one of those people who tells their mom everything about their lives.

So, who do you talk to about your fertility struggles and how much information do you like to tell? Do you find it easier to talk to friends or family about it?

sincethelastday · October 2018

Yeah, I find trying to decide who to tell and who not to tell a tricky one.

My mom is aware of pretty much all the details, but I’m also very close with my mom. My best friend (who I just found out has been ttc for over a year) also knows most details. Apart from these two people though, I’ve only shared limited information with my mother-in-law, sister, a couple of friends, and actually a couple of co-workers.

I say it’s been tricky because I’m always balancing in my head what type of response I’m going to get from someone. My best friend for example was very supportive when I told her. However, I now regret telling one of my friends because she has started giving me advice on how to become pregnant. The only reason I told the two co-workers was because they were constantly asking “when is the baby coming?” and I found it more hurtful to hear these comments than to just tell them. These days I’m only really wanting to talk about it with DH, my mom, and my best friend (and the lovely ladies on this board). There is a part of me though that wishes I could be more up front and open with people in my life about IF, because I think it is still a very misunderstood and taboo type of topic and I think people need to be really educated and understand how incredibly difficult it can be.

Overall, I think there is no right way or right amount of people to tell as whatever you decide it should feel right for you. Unfortunately, I think it’s common to get well meaning, but ignorant comments from people, but it’s also surprising sometimes the truly compassionate, empathetic responses you can get. Good luck as you figure out this piece of your journey! (And feel free to vent here about any of the less desirable responses you may come across!)

mirabelle33 · October 2018

@inthewoods23 I'm sorry you're struggling with this right now

It's not easy and I think it's a personal decision that each couple needs to make for themselves. With that said, I can share my experience.

I think I've said this before, so sorry if it's a repeat for some of you. My approach to sharing our struggle has changed throughout the process and in general has gone from being cautiously open with certain friends and family to being more and more selective about who I shared things with. I was never an open book by any means, but I would casually mention to good friends that we were trying and it wasn't happening as quickly as we would have liked. Once we got into IF territory though, I pulled back and pretty much only discussed it with a handful of friends that have also been through fertility treatments. They have been incredibly supportive and I don't regret this at all. I'm very close with my aunt and she knows everything. I don't think I could have gotten through this without her. My parents and brother do know that we did treatment with my OB and that we're now starting IVF, but they don't know the details. This is because my mom can be a bit overbearing and if I give her an inch she will take a mile. So it's for my own protection (and mental sanity). Even though I didn't feel the need to share with my MIL or BIL, I wanted DH to be able to tell them if that's what he wanted. So he shares with them when he feels like it, but I don't discuss it with them. He also had to tell his boss since he will need time off for retrievals and transfers and he's been really supportive too.

My best advice is to follow your instinct on who you think would be receptive and supportive. I agree with PP that you can be surprised by how caring and empathetic some people can be, especially if they have some idea of what it's like. It's really tough to go through this alone (except for YH of course) and it can actually be a huge relief to let a few key people in. GL

inthewoods23 · October 2018

Funny development... I just had a coworker come up to me and say I'm at the top of the gossip because everybody thinks I'm pregnant. I'm both amused but sad hearing this. Apparently I have that glow and people have noticed that I don't talk about TTC anymore.

*TW* Kind of came at the worst time since I found out another cousin is pregnant yesterday *end TW*.

That helped me decide to not confide in any coworkers though

sincethelastday · October 2018

@inthewoods23 - that sucks about your co-workers’ assumptions. I’ve defintely been in that boat with colleagues and it sucks! Like you said, at least you’ve made one decision around all this lol

inthewoods23 · October 2018

@sincethelastday after thinking about it, I think I know why they say I've had this glow lately.

It's called I've been a lot lighter with the amount of foundation I apply or I've worn no makeup some days.

This is the most humor I've had related to TTC in a while. Maybe I'm also really looking forward to my RE appointment on Tuesday next week!

sincethelastday · October 2018

@inthewoods23 LOL! All the best at your appointment next week!!

pumpkinp0p · October 2018

My family knows, but we don’t talk about it. Honestly, I like it better not talking to them about it, but I also like that they know so they don’t keep asking me.

I have one friend who has been TTC for 2.5 years, and we talk constantly because it’s nice to have the support. We both have sisters who are incredibly fertile, so it’s been nice having someone else who understands to lean on.

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