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April 2019 Moms
jlknggthrowaway
member
TW- Miscarriage/Anembryonic Pregnancy
jlknggthrowaway
member
*TW*
I posted about my miscarriage/anembryonic pregnancy very briefly in the week 2 check-in thread because I was totally shell-shocked and had no idea where to post. It's been a few days so I wanted to write about my experience and say a more coherent, thoughtful goodbye. I'm an extremely introverted person and I have a tendency to retreat into myself in times of sadness so IMO it's important for me to do this.
Last Tuesday, I had my "first" official prenatal appointment. I say first in quotations because I'd had a quick ultrasound 2 weeks prior due to cramping; I was worried about a possible ectopic so they did a brief in-room ultrasound on a portable machine to confirm that the pregnancy was in fact in my uterus. I would've been around 6 weeks at the time and the US tech visualized a gestational sac which measured 5w4d and contained only a yolk sac — which I wasn't thrilled about — but it was within normal parameters for that time frame. My OB said he'd have me back in two weeks for a full visit with a dating scan, blood work, insurance discussions, etc. etc. I didn't post about any of this because in my mind talking about it gave credence to my fears and I needed to do my best to relax.
Anyhow, I had my dating ultrasound before any other interactions at that appointment, and I knew I was seeing bad news right away. There was still only a yolk sac. I measured 6w2d when I should have measured at least somewhere in the 7w range, and there was no fetal pole let alone a heartbeat. My poor husband had no idea what was happening and didn't know why I was so quiet. I was frozen in that moment, trying not to lose my sh*t in the middle of the doctor's office, so I couldn't speak. I had that feeling that if I spoke I'd break the dam and wouldn't be able to stop crying to have the conversations that would follow.
I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum/anembryonic pregnancy and the doctor gave me three options: wait it out, take misoprostol to start the process at home, or have a D&C. I was terrified of having a D&C because I had a very negative experience with an emergency D&C in the ER when I had a previous loss at 11w. Waiting for the inevitable didn't feel like a great option either so I chose to try the misoprostol so I could be at home for the upcoming awfulness.
My blood type is O- so I needed to receive a RhoGAM shot at the office to cover the bleeding I'd be experiencing. For those of you who haven't had RhoGAM, it's a shot given right in the fat of the ass. When the nurse asked me if I'd ever had any side effects, I said "some mild embarrassment" and she looked at me completely seriously and utterly confused. I joke when I'm sad or nervous and for a minute I thought my sense of humor had taken a hit, too.
Unfortunately, I'm one of the 20% of women for whom misoprostol doesn't work. After two doses, I had severe cramps but very light, unproductive bleeding. I called my doctor's office to beg to try a third dose, but my OB gave a bit fat no to more medication. I was scheduled for a D&C at an outpatient surgical center the next day, the day after my birthday. I'm grateful they were able to get me in so quickly as I think I would've lost my mind waiting for the inevitable over labor day weekend. I spent the next night/morning in enough of a panic that I gave myself a stress headache and somehow made myself nauseous on an empty stomach.
I posted about my miscarriage/anembryonic pregnancy very briefly in the week 2 check-in thread because I was totally shell-shocked and had no idea where to post. It's been a few days so I wanted to write about my experience and say a more coherent, thoughtful goodbye. I'm an extremely introverted person and I have a tendency to retreat into myself in times of sadness so IMO it's important for me to do this.
Last Tuesday, I had my "first" official prenatal appointment. I say first in quotations because I'd had a quick ultrasound 2 weeks prior due to cramping; I was worried about a possible ectopic so they did a brief in-room ultrasound on a portable machine to confirm that the pregnancy was in fact in my uterus. I would've been around 6 weeks at the time and the US tech visualized a gestational sac which measured 5w4d and contained only a yolk sac — which I wasn't thrilled about — but it was within normal parameters for that time frame. My OB said he'd have me back in two weeks for a full visit with a dating scan, blood work, insurance discussions, etc. etc. I didn't post about any of this because in my mind talking about it gave credence to my fears and I needed to do my best to relax.
Anyhow, I had my dating ultrasound before any other interactions at that appointment, and I knew I was seeing bad news right away. There was still only a yolk sac. I measured 6w2d when I should have measured at least somewhere in the 7w range, and there was no fetal pole let alone a heartbeat. My poor husband had no idea what was happening and didn't know why I was so quiet. I was frozen in that moment, trying not to lose my sh*t in the middle of the doctor's office, so I couldn't speak. I had that feeling that if I spoke I'd break the dam and wouldn't be able to stop crying to have the conversations that would follow.
I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum/anembryonic pregnancy and the doctor gave me three options: wait it out, take misoprostol to start the process at home, or have a D&C. I was terrified of having a D&C because I had a very negative experience with an emergency D&C in the ER when I had a previous loss at 11w. Waiting for the inevitable didn't feel like a great option either so I chose to try the misoprostol so I could be at home for the upcoming awfulness.
My blood type is O- so I needed to receive a RhoGAM shot at the office to cover the bleeding I'd be experiencing. For those of you who haven't had RhoGAM, it's a shot given right in the fat of the ass. When the nurse asked me if I'd ever had any side effects, I said "some mild embarrassment" and she looked at me completely seriously and utterly confused. I joke when I'm sad or nervous and for a minute I thought my sense of humor had taken a hit, too.
Unfortunately, I'm one of the 20% of women for whom misoprostol doesn't work. After two doses, I had severe cramps but very light, unproductive bleeding. I called my doctor's office to beg to try a third dose, but my OB gave a bit fat no to more medication. I was scheduled for a D&C at an outpatient surgical center the next day, the day after my birthday. I'm grateful they were able to get me in so quickly as I think I would've lost my mind waiting for the inevitable over labor day weekend. I spent the next night/morning in enough of a panic that I gave myself a stress headache and somehow made myself nauseous on an empty stomach.
Pre-op was honestly the hardest part due to the anticipation and waiting, and there wasn't even much of that. I received an IV about 20 minutes after arriving and my nurse gave me some zofran which immediately took care of my nausea. I signed a slew of paperwork and talked to my doctor and anesthesiologist, and was wheeled to the ER after a total of 50ish minutes in pre-op.
I went into this knowing I would be sedated but not precisely how. Everyone I'd spoken to had mentioned being "awake" so I thought this experience would be somewhere between being conscious but not actively in pain (like I was for a prior C-section) and conscious but loopy (like receiving nitrous oxide at the dentist's office). This was a big part of my overall worry because I was definitely lucid for the last D&C — would I be emotional while this was going on, would the length of time feel torturous, etc.? I was totally wrong to worry like I did. The last thing I remembered was placing my arm on a table in the OR, and then I woke up in recovery with my husband next to me. The procedure had only taken about 20 minutes and apparently my only bodily/mental responsibility for the "awake" sedation was breathing on my own. Thankfully, I did my job well.
I'm feeling much better today. I'm not cramping to speak of and just barely spotting. I'm a little sore in my ribs/upper body, which I guess is due to the position I was placed in during the procedure. I don't need pain medication but I'm still taking some anti-nausea meds.
Emotionally, I'm still very sad but I feel lighter in a way. The finality of the loss is awful but I prefer it to limbo of not knowing what's going on with my body or waiting for the pregnancy to pass naturally. I haven't made any decisions about TTC again and probably won't for awhile, but as far as medical procedures go, the D&C ultimately wasn't as bad as I'd worked it up to be and my nurses/doctors were amazing, smart, kind, and empathetic. I feel a tad melodramatic for saying it, but those people were heroes to me yesterday.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. 
I enjoyed starting to know everyone in April 2019 and I wish I could spend all 40 weeks getting to know you better and hearing about your little guys/girls. Best of luck.
I want to leave you guys with this YouTube video that made me cackle when I really needed it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldAnrTA317E
Re: TW- Miscarriage/Anembryonic Pregnancy
DD born: 3/31/19
DS: 11/1/2010 DD: 8/9/2012 #3: 4/2019
BFP: 8/20/2018 - EDD 5/4/2019
H: 36
L & N twin girls: 3yo. Born at 30 weeks. 2 month NICU stay
BFP Aug 2018: EDD April 2019