Benched/TTA w/o 8/20

spacemountaineer · August 2018

For the person starting the thread for the week of 8/27 please use the wording from this post: https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12732416/benched-tta-w-o-7-30#latest

This thread is for those who are waiting to start TTC or have started TTC but are now TTA or Benched. (There is also a TTCAL "sister" thread.)
***General TW that this thread can and will mention MC and loss.***

This is a place for those of us who are waiting to start TTC or who have already started TTC, but have hit a roadblock and are delaying for whatever reason. You can express your thoughts, feelings, and frustrations on not TTC and connect with others who are in the same boat. TTC can be a long journey, and having to wait makes it feel even longer -- even if it is for a good reason. I invite you to resurrect this thread at any point in the week if you have something to say. Treat this like an ongoing conversation.

Benched = involuntarily not NTNP/TTC and "out of the game," usually due to medical reasons

TTA = avoiding pregnancy by using protection or FAM, usually for non-health-related reasons __________________________________________________________________
Are you benched or TTA?

What brings you here?

How long do you think you'll be here?

How have things been going?

Any R/R/CS/Q?

GTKY:What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend?

aliciac2008 · August 2018

Are you benched or TTA? TTA

What brings you here? Waiting until friend's wedding is over and we get back from vacation to Vegas.

How long do you think you'll be here? Mid-October

How have things been going? Pretty good.

Any R/R/CS/Q?
Rant: It's really hard to hide that we're getting prepared to start trying for a kid soon. Between prenatal vitamins hanging around and forgetting to throw away packaging for my basal body thermometer, to lifestyle changes (eating better, drinking less) I'm sure at least a few people are suspicious.

Rave: I just got back yesterday from a trip to the beach. I got paid to spend 6 days at the beach playing piano for a theater company. I only had to play 3 days, but they paid for my hotel for the entire week. I am going back on Thursday for one last show and the hotel this time is right on the water.

GTKY:What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend? At home, with my family. I love to spend the day being productive and organizing and cleaning the house, and then the evening with a couple beers playing video games.

icecubeinthedesert · August 2018

I hope you all don't mind my lurking here. For those who don't know me, I was a long-time participant on TTGP, particularly on the benched/TTA and TTCAL threads.

I couldn't help but notice a change here that I truly believe to be a step in the wrong direction. Someone changed the OP language for this Benched/TTA thread from:
"This thread is for those who have started TTC but are now TTA or Benched."
to
"This thread is for those who are waiting to start TTC or have started TTC but are now TTA or Benched."
I hate to call people out, but it looks like this happened in the 8/6 thread started by @suzycupcake

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think there was community consensus around this change. This has always been a reoccurring theme in this thread that those with BOTB think this is an appropriate place to post. Unfortunately, this leads to a lot of people for whom this thread was intended feeling like this is not an appropriate place to post. For example, people benched for recent MCs, serious health issues, etc. may be made to feel like they are bringing the culture of this thread down, and that they cannot get the serious support they need because others are posting about their excitement to start TTC soon.

I am no stranger to waiting to TTC when we really wanted to have a baby. DH and I had initially decided to TTC, then less than a week later, I found out that my job was moving across country, which meant that I would have to find a new job and wait to be eligible for FMLA to start trying, which ended up being about 6 months. During that time, I did some HEAVY lurking. I might have been more hesitant to start posting than most, but I would like to think that I would have recognized this and posted only in the GTKY type threads or on the BOTB board.

I understand that many are frustrated with how slow BOTB is. Part of this problem is the recurring gathering of BOTB people in this thread. I would suggest a discussion of those here with BOTB about a collective move and effort to make things more active on BOTB, or that a BOTB-specific weekly thread be created on TTGP. I understand that some people may not notice the BOTB board and instead lurk on TTGP. I would also suggest putting in direct language in this thread on BOTB, including a link to that board. These are just suggestions I have, and obviously these and other options are up for group discussion and voting (and preferably not just in this small group, but for the community as a whole, as being Benched or TTA is often a temporary situation that many others have been through and may have an opinion on).

@suzycupcake, YGPM

suzycupcake · August 2018

Hello @icecubeinthedesert I just responded to your PM. You're right. I did change the language of that thread and then realized what it resulted in while in a TTCAL thread. I have since apologized for it, although I probably should've started an entire new thread to do that, and haven't done it since.

On another note; @lulu1180 I have no idea where else to do this. Maybe PM is better, but I have no idea.

I realize that my posting an addition in the ultimate newbie guide rubbed some people the wrong way. It's important to me that you understand that I didn't do it to challenge anyone nor have I done anything from a position of passive aggressive or wanting to be the leader here. Most of what I do stems from the complaints of long timers and newbies. It comes from wanting to help. I think that I have made my points clear on that thread so I won't go back into it here. I will start a new post to bring up topics for discussion for everyone.

icecubeinthedesert · August 2018

@suzycupcake, thanks for apologizing and clarifying the change that was made.
It seems that this has just been copy/pasted each week, so @spacemountaineer, would you mind editing the language back to the original language in the OP here? That way the thread next week will hopefully have the original language. Here's a link to that thread: https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12732416/benched-tta-w-o-7-30#latest
Thanks!

suzycupcake · August 2018

@icecubeinthedesert ygpm

okiemamaof2 · August 2018

Are you benched or TTA?

TTA, no medical reason.

What brings you here?

A friend of mine asked me to be in her wedding and knew I was TTC. She’s not comfortable having a 3rd trimester bridesmaid and didn’t want me to step down just to be safe so she asked that I hold off trying for a couple months. I initially agreed but am regretting it now. Still, I told her I would so here I am.

How’s it going?

Ok. I’m conflicted about being TTA because I’m worried my TTC time may be running out due to work issues so I’ve been overthinking about it.

Favorite way to spend a weekend?

Camping or just relaxing with my husband and daughter. We’re usually really busy so when a free weekend arises sometimes it’s so nice to just do nothing!

Edit bc part of the original post got deleted?

[Deleted User] · August 2018

****lurking****

@spacemountaineer. Would you be able to update the title of the thread and the description as outlined above? Thank you!!!!

As a long time benchwarmer for medical reasons that took TTC off the table involuntarily and indefinitely, TTA is not the same thing. The benched deserve a safe place where they can feel supported.

No offence to any new posters who may be TTA. The Board seems to be going through some growing pains at the moment. ❤

spacemountaineer · August 2018

While I am bench, I haven't started TTGP. The BOTB equivalent, Waiting Room Wednesdays, has had to go to a monthly post as things are so dead on that board. I'm probably part of the original problem with the shift in this weekly post. For that I am sincerely sorry.

I came back to the bump before I was ready to TTGP because I needed support. I knew that there were going to be women here who knew how I felt. The desire to have a baby, but couldn't. The frustration of spending thousands of dollars to get your body ready to have a baby only to have to wait. The need to get the frustration out without bogging down friends and family. The pain of seeing another Facebook pregnancy announcement and typing congratulations even when there is not a congratulatory bone in your body. While I do not attempt to say that I even begin to understand the feelings of greif and other overwhelming emotions that come with a MC
or infertility, I felt that we could have some common ground. I knew there were women who could relate to parts of my story. Amazing women supported me through the difficulty I went through with my breast tumor and still do with my back problems.

These women who come over from the BOTB are looking for support, a place to vent, and share excitement. It doesn't help that when you select the Trying to Get Pregnant Forums on TB's main page it takes you automatically to this board and doesn't give you the option of selecting a board (at least not on the mobile browser). You almost have to go searching for the BOTB board. That is another obstacle to overcome.

I do agree that there need to be safe spaces. Maybe we could bring waiting room Wednesdays over to the TTGP with a link in the description to the BOTB board to invite new members. It's just a thought. I will gracefully bow out of the Benched/TTA board, but I really would like a place to fit on TB that gets a little more traffic.

Edit: clarifying you can't select a board on a mobile browser.

suzycupcake · August 2018

@spacemountaineer I hear you and it's not your fault at all. I'm the one who did that without asking everyone if it's okay. I did it because I felt really bad for the ladies who were waiting to start who wanted to be a part of the community without considering the feelings of the ladies already in here. I'm the one who is sorry. You have nothing to apologize for

Benched/TTA w/o 8/20

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