- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
October 2018 Moms
ladyofarlington
member
Out of town visitors post birth
ladyofarlington
member
I can’t seem to find a good place to put this, so overlords, please let me know if I should move it anywhere in particular.
What are your plans for out of town visitors post birth? FTMs what are you thinking? STMs any BTDT advice, especially if your family is not local?
What are your plans for out of town visitors post birth? FTMs what are you thinking? STMs any BTDT advice, especially if your family is not local?
Re: Out of town visitors post birth
I’m starting to wonder how much family we will want to visit and when. None of our family is local (they’re all 4 hours away). My parents and DH’s parents said they plan to jump in the car and come up as soon as they hear I’m in labor and want to be at the hospital when Baby is born. My mom is ready to stay and help as is my MIL and both are retired and fully looking forward to spending at least a week with us at some point.
At first I thought it would be great to have help after we come home from the hospital, but I’ve started thinking it may be nice to settle in as a family of 3 first and then have our families come back up when DH goes back to work (he plans to take 2 weeks off).
Some of my friends with non-local family said they had family come and stay and it was the best thing ever. Others shared it was completely overwhelming. Another wished she had their family come sooner.
One friend of mine shared that she had their families meet them at the hospital after delivery of their LO, but they all stayed in a nearby hotel because she didn’t want the pressure of hosting anyone at their house or the extra work of turning over the guest room.
Anyway, if you have non-local family, can you share any insight into what worked/didn’t work for you when you had your first LO? Any insight from the wise STMs who have BTDT is much appreciated!
I think it really boils down to how helpful your out of town guests are known to be. If you're expected to still cater to them or they will not give you space to adjust to your new addition/are overly critical, then I'd take a hard pass.
FFWC maybe, but I found visitors completely and totally overwhelming. My family is all close (including grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins) and everyone wanted to come see the new baby. My ILs are about 2 hours away, and a nightmare, but also people wanted to come up and spend time with us.
I feel like a total bitch saying it, and I know I would hate if people DIDN'T want to visit my new baby, but it was just so much. DH only had so much time off from work and we had everyone in the hospital and at our house. I'm a very private person and it made me absolutely batty, especially while recovering from a CS, trying to BF, etc. etc.
So, on that note, my vote would be to have your moms wait until after DH went to work. I think the first few weeks as your own family unit are extra crucial and I would want some space. You'll also appreciate the help when he is back at work.
This time we are close, and plan to have my mom come up to help with #1, while I’m in the hospital and maybe 1 or 2 days after. Other visitors I will ask to wait a week or two.
I’m probably the odd one out but I don’t mind people visiting. Maybe it’s because I’m a SAHM and hang out with DD and DS all day but I really enjoy other people coming over and getting the adult interaction. I will say, nobody is planning to stay at my apartment because my family always feels like they’re intruding, but they’ll stay at the hotel that’s 2 minutes down the street.
Her niece and husband are coming from out west the end of October and staying with us for 3 days. I told them as long as they know not to expect us to entertain them I'm good with it. I feel like they will be helpful as well.
I think my sisters want to come down for a weekend as well (they live an hour or so away). I might make them wait until mid November.
We don't have a big immediate or extended family so any help will be appreciated. Maybe me being FTM naive but even if they come hold the baby so I can shower or maybe go out for a bit seems like heaven to me!
TTC since 2016
Due: October 12, 2018
Location: Ontario, Canada
My parents and I have a good relationship, and both of my parents like to pitch in. I do not need to entertain them when they come to visit. When I ended up hospitalized unexpectedly, my Mom few out that same night, and took care of everything for me until I was discharged, and stayed with me another week and a half until I was back on my feet.
That said- while I was in the hospital, the only friends I let visit me were my closest people. However, I even kicked them out when the stress of people became too much. (Introverts and hospitals don’t mix.)
When Max comes home, my parents will be there. Yes, they’ll hold the baby, but I also know that Mom will help with laundry and dinner and Dad will help with projects. And they change their own sheets when they leave.
I’m still struggling with the idea that I am not supposed to let him around lots of people until the spring. I’ll get over it, but it really bothers me.
Married: 12/16/12
TTC #1: 06/15 BFP #1:07/13/15
D&C: 08/28/15
BFP #2: 09/26/15
M: 06/03/16
BFP #2: 02/12/18
L : 7/26/18 (SIUGR, micropreemie)
Even after baby is born, this isn’t all about baby.
I think this is part of why my parents being with me for a bit over two weeks worked - they were equally as concerned about me, as a person who was recovering from an ordeal, as they were the baby.
really counting on their help after the birth. I’m also hoping they will play host to visitors because I definitely don’t want to. If they are willing to host people though I think it will be nice having a nearby place for people to stay. I also think my parents will help keep well meaning friends and relatives helpful and in task. Wishful thinking maybe...
My in-laws will also have to fly in. My husband told them that they couldn't stay here after the baby was born because it'll be too much. Plus his brother lives 5 minutes away and has a whole house to himself, so they can easily stay there. But of course they thought we were being so rude. It's their first grandkid though so I hate to tell them to wait very long to come see her.
I'm worried about being overwhelmed just because I'm a super introvert anyway and don't really like a bunch of people at my house very much. But it's going to be hard to juggle all this family stuff with them all being from out of town. So I'll be reading here for tips.
I don’t know what her plans are for when baby is born, but I’m hoping she’ll wait until at least Thanksgiving (Oct 6-8 weekend in Canada) since the latest my OB will let me go is 39 weeks which is Sept 30...
I will have just my mom or MIL come up this time and stay at our house because they are watching our 3 year old, but if it was more than 1 person, I'd be clear they need to stay someplace else. Don't feed into any offense they may take - that is theirs to own and get over. Whatever you do though be consistent - it's harder for people to hold grudges if EVERYONE gets the same message. Coming from a family who loves to hold grudges...
I actually was more overwhelmed when E was born. This time we were local and my inlaws had moved so they were already going to stay with us because it was Christmas. It was so overwhelming having them around. It could have just been the holiday stress on top of hormones as welll. I think with her, we just needed a couple of days to settle in and we had the bombardment of holiday stuff happen instead. This time around, my inlaws mentioned they might try to come out but I’m going to strongly encourage my husband to have them stay at a hotel.
When my mom came alone, she was ok and helped out, but when she came with the rest of my family it was a disaster. I was forced into the bedroom to nurse because there’s no descrete way to nurse 2 at the same time and they just sat there looking at me when I said I had to nurse the boys - like staring at me until I left my own living room. When it was time to put the boys to bed, we announced that and they all sat there, so we shut the lights off in the living room hoping they would take the hint (& needing it dark so when we moved from nursing them in our room to putting them in bed in theirs the lights didn’t wake them back up). They sat there in the dark. MH actually had to go out and yell at my stepdad for horse playing with my little sister while we were trying to get the boys to sleep. Once the boys were in bed, we sat on the floor and kept saying how we were tired... and they still wouldn’t leave! They all sat there listening to us talk about how we were tired and wanted to go to bed and telling us how the boys would never sleep through anything if this is how we do bedtime. Needless to say, they will not be invited for quite a long time this time.
My sister did tell me later (after I told her what happened) that when they came to visit her she had to wait on them while adjusting to being a new mom. She lived 12 hours from everybody, so they all stayed at her house and she didn’t get a break from them. If you’re a FTM and don’t know how some people will be and have siblings that may have experience with it, ask them how it went. Had I known her story before they came over, I would have said they had to wait longer to visit (and they were only 30 mins from us).
@purplegoldfish2 DH's family did that all the time. I would just put DD down and then go to bed myself. They usually left pretty soon after that. DH was never able to kick them out, so I left him to stay up and hang out with them while I slept.
I also said at home it was only immediate family for at least the first week because I needed to figure out life. It was again most in-laws and my mom. My mom was awesome for bringing or making food, dishes, laundry, etc.
Mil would have and was more than willing to pitch in, it was me that felt weird about her in my stuff.. she also brought food and offered to shop on her way over.
They're both local and will be there to help with DS this time. But if they were out of town I'd look at my comfort level. Knowing they would both help I'd allow them to come, but I'd have to get over myself with my mil.
Other than that I would put off anyone you're not close with that will put you at ease. It's not worth the hassle.
Note: YOU OWE NOTHING TO ANYONE! I don't care their relationship to the baby, you are the parents and you're family just altered. You have the right to spend this time as YOU need it. They have no say on above until you are ready!!!
Agree with everyone else in that it really depends on how helpful visitors will be. The first time around my mom flew in when DD was born and met us at the hospital. Then she stayed at our house for 3 days and her and my aunt cleaned and cooked and made us a bunch of freezer meals. it was nice having her there that first night at home. After she left my MIL flew in when my DD was 1 week and she was supposed to stay for 2 weeks. My husband also was going back to work that week. I told him it was a bad idea because his mom needs just as much attention and can not do anything on her own let alone help. She ended up leaving after a week because it was either she left or me. I know this sounds harsh and I love my MIL but it was not a good combo for a visit. She woke me once to make her a sandwich and sat there the whole time saying she wished she could be more helpful. It was after that when I packed up baby and went to my dads until my hubby came home and we made a plan for her to leave.
This time around she isn't planning to come until baby is 2 months old. We are hoping hubby can take a few days off when she visits and that we will all be in a better routine before she comes this visit.
My mom is planning to come when baby is born and stay for a few days and maybe come back for thanksgiving with my sister.
We also have a lot of in town family but they were all pretty great visitors. Some brought food, some brought alcohol and some cleaned/did laundry. All of them understood if I had to nurse that was the priority and if baby or I was sleeping they could wait or come back later.
Best advice would be tell people ahead of time your priorities (nursing/feeding/sleeping/etc) and don't be afraid to kick them out if its not working. If anyone is the type to need entertaining or catering to while they are there than I would make them wait a few months until you are feeling up to it.
I have one friend who asked previously if she can come stay for awhile and I said of course, shes my best friend and so helpful. She texted me the other day thinking about staying late November early December which is great because we'll be more than settled in at that point (:
Idk if were going to do friends visiting in the hospital or not yet. Probably but thinking theres going to definitely be a time limit on visits.
Unfortunately it was my family, so I would have been the one sitting up with them either way.
So so many decisions to make!
Hopefully you and DH will be able to take care of your own needs better this time. That first week is pretty rough. I can't even imagine doing it with two babies!
So needless to say for me, it was too soon for visitors. Second time around we didn't have visitors for about a month and I would've welcomed them earlier. This time around I'd welcome them right away and would LOVE to have family/friends come visit in the hospital, but I doubt that'll happen since all our family lives out of town.
The first week was definitely rough. I think part of the problem was all the visitors we had. Most were helpful and almost everybody brought food, but it also meant that I had to stay up and chat with them instead of resting when the babies slept (or at least that’s how I felt). I will definitely be spreading out the visitors more this time
My husband posted a photo on fb after I'd just given birth to DS2 and I hadn't even had a chance to reach my mom by phone to share the news with her, so that was mildly annoying but not awful. If someone besides him had shared the news or a photo before me, I would be really hurt. Grandparents especially can just get so very excited and want to brag about their amazing new grandchild, totally understandable, but if you think it'll bother you, be sure to set ground rules up with anyone you share the news with so they don't accidentally overshadow your announcement.
This is totally anecdotal, but I am having flashbacks of my IL's coming after I had DS - MIL, Step FIL, grandma, 3 siblings and their SO's - so 9 people, all at once, coming from 2 hours away. They made a mess in the kitchen, my MIL fed everyone but didn't clean up any of the dishes, they were there for hours on end holding the baby.... I had just got home from the hospital and had a CS and was getting people drinks. NEVER AGAIN.
On a helpful note, all of my big extended family wanted to come to the hospital. With DS I didn't know any better, but after I had DD, I lied and said the nurses told me no visitors because of [insert excuse here that sounds legit but won't raise too much concern]. A few people weren't thrilled but it worked like a charm.
I'm trying to decide how to deal with visitors that first week. If DH is off work I would really rather not have a ton of visitors. They can come when he goes back to work and I actually need someone to help me.