Grief/trauma during pregnancy

lilpotatomama · August 2018

Hi, y’all. I’ve been pretty active on the boards so far. Something has been on my mind lately and I have no idea where this would even fit on the boards - I thought maybe anxiety, but it isn’t quite that.

TW: death/cancer

My brother died in March after a brutal, horrible, hard-fought battle with cancer. I knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it any easier. The battle was so short and yet so long. My grief had stabilized somewhat until I got my BFP. It’s like I’m back at day 1 again, but worse.

I’m angry. I am so angry. This is my first child, and he isn’t here to see this all happen. I’m glad he got to see me get married right before he got sick, but he’lll never get to meet my children. His niece or nephew. And I’m heartbroken.

Have any of you ever dealt with grief or an extremely difficult event while pregnant? How do you even cope?

lyse01 · August 2018

@sdelg09 I have not dealt with this, but ::hugs:: I know I would be devastated to lose my brother and it’s a totally abstract idea for me. I can’t even imagine what it is like for you.

Do you work with a therapist already? Because that’s where I’d start. I’d possibly also see what resources your religious group offers, and would definitely let the OB know about your emotional state.

ashtuesday · August 2018

@sdelg09 I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't share your specific experience, but my dad died when I was young, and I know (through personal experience, studying psychology, and LOTS of therapy) it is common and normal to feel like the wounds of loss have been ripped open when you experience a major life event. It is normal to feel angry and heartbroken and everything in between. That probably doesn't make coping any easier (I don't have much advice for that - just let yourself cry when you have to), but know you're not alone.

kaleesi93 · August 2018

Hugs Mama, I'm so sorry you're going through this right now..
I don't have anything super similar but one thing I do get very well is trauma resurfacing in difficult ways now that I am pregnant.
I was thrown out of my family and after raising all my siblings and being their mom, their bio mom has them all under her control and uses them as pawns in her twisted little games. I never had a mom and even though I have dealt with it and I'm at peace with the abusive situation I've felt everything bitterly again now. My baby wont get to know grandparents on my side, it won't ever get to play with its aunts and uncles. My family will be another generation of broken and yes I get angry. Because it sucks and it's not fair and I can't change it..
"It's okay to be" is my mantra though.. so I just let myself be sad and angry and hurt because grief isn't an illness, there is no cure for it, we just have to be kind and patient with ourselves during the rough times..
I feel a bit puny writing this out because it really can't compare with your hurt but I just wanted to let you know I'm always here if you ever need to talk or anything.. and reaching out takes a lot of strength so you're doing good!

professormama · August 2018

Someone else said it, but working with a therapist can be so incredibly beneficial. I hope you’ll consider it if you’re able. Coping with grief and trauma is really hard, and a therapist can equip you with the best skills / tools to find some peace, if that’s what you need.

lilpotatomama · August 2018

Thank you, everyone.
@lyse2143 @professormama I haven’t worked up the nerve to see a therapist yet. I haven’t been ready to pour everything out in that way, but I think it’s time. I really think it’ll help.

@ashtuesday I’m sorry for your loss as well. Reading that does help - knowing this is “normal” is a comfort to me.
@kaleesi93 don’t feel badly for your feelings. Grief can strike in so many ways, and I’m grateful that you shared your thoughts with me. It really does take time and patience, I guess. I hope I can have as much grace with myself as you seem to have.

kaleesi93 · August 2018

@sdelg09 well if it makes you feel any better one of the things that helped me a lot is to remember to treat ourself like we would the person we love most if they were grieving, its hard sometimes but it's freeing. I spent most of my life sinking myself caught up in guilt about feeling things or dealing with things, till someone showed me that it's okay to just be still and be.. and feel.. if we're hurt or frustrated at life, its perfectly okay. We humans are so fragile, things affect us in big ways and that's alright, its what makes us unique.

lyse01 · August 2018

@sdelg09 remember that there is no way you’ll get everything out in one session anyway - there’s simply too much and it’s too overwhelming - so it’s a-ok to dribble it out.

EveryStormX2 · August 2018

@sdelg09 Firstly, (((HUGS))) Secondly, I know exactly how you’re feeling. I lost my mom to cancer in November of 2016. It was my worst nightmare coming true in every possible way. She was my best friend. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be having a child without her. I’m not sure if it’s really, truly sunk in yet that she won’t be here to take this journey with me, won’t be here to hold her grandchild, or that I can’t call her with all of my ten million questions. I know that eventually it will hit and it will hit hard. I’m sure there will be many moments to come where the paralyzing grief sets in because I’ll have a question, want to share a milestone, or when I’ve given birth and realize that she’s not there to hold this baby.

Right now, my biggest saving grace is believing that this child was sent to me as a gift from her, and that she is keeping us both safe and healthy.

The ups and downs of life after such a great loss is a lifelong process. I don’t think it ever truly goes away. I am so sorry you’re going through this. If you ever need to talk, someone that knows your grief is here to listen.

thatbaintforbetty · August 2018

I lost my grandmother very very suddenly not too long before I got pregnant with DD. She was in a nursing home and I think there was some neglect on their part that led to it. We didnt have really any proof and my grandpa was still there with no problems so we let it go.

It hit me really hard while I was pregnant that DD would never get to know her. My grandma was really looking forward to being a great grandma and as the oldest and the only one married/in a serious relationship it was always most likely that it would me that would be able to giver her that.

It still hits me every now and then when certain things pop up. Like I really want to take DD ice skating (both my grandparents were professionals) and it breaks my heart that they will never see it.

We we actually lost my grandpa after Silly was born and he never got a chance to meet to her. It’s something I will feel guilty about for the rest of my life. We actually were advised not to tell him about my grandma because of his dementia and the possible ramifications. I never took DD because I could never figure out to explain to him where my grandma was at such a special moment.

it never goes away but you learn to deal with it. I would also recommend a therapist. I probably should’ve seen one by now too.

jt0707 · August 2018

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine. I would agree with everyone else on the therapy... and definitely make sure to go frequently for a while. It's better to keep progress going then to have huge gaps without appointments. Again, so sorry to hear this

BarefootContessa · August 2018

I am so sorry for your loss. Another recommendation for therapy. It can seem scary and overwhelming to lay out those things and feel those feelings- but... you’ll be healthier and happier for it.

I am still in therapy after my loss in December. Pregnancy can bring up an enormous amount of emotion when you are already wrapped in grief.

Take time for yourself, and be gentle with you! It’s completely ok to not be ok, and sitting through those feelings will get you to a better place.

mrstmoose · August 2018

I agree with everyone else and just sending love to you @sdelg09

I have no grandparents left here and it makes me really upset because so many of my cousins didn’t encourage relationships with their children and them and I spent a lot of time with them and still encourage DD to talk to them (which she does, I fully believe they visit and play with her).

Just know your brother is still very much with you. A random thought...have you ever considered seeing a medium? I did once and it brought a lot of closure for me.

roo1381 · August 2018

BarefootContessa said:
Take time for yourself, and be gentle with you! It’s completely ok to not be ok,

This. You don't have to be the one to hold it all together and you don't have to tell everyone that you are fine. I did both of those things when my dad passed away from cancer while pregnant with dd2. It didn't help and instead just made me angry and bitter. Take your time, ask for help and don't push yourself if you're not ready.

smoochie041719 · August 2018

I implanted with this baby the very day my dad passed from a 4 year battle with ALS on Aug 4. I have not fully processed any of it, but I like to think my dad crossed paths with my soon to be baby.

lilpotatomama · August 2018

Thank you all so much for sharing your grief and pain with me. I’m so, so sorry you’ve all had to go through so much. At the same time, I’m grateful that I’m not alone. Let’s all be gentle with ourselves and try to have a peaceful 9 months.

smoochie041719 · August 2018

@EveryStormX2 I absolutely believe the same thing - that my pregnancy was sent as a gift from my dad. The night before he died I said to him that if he sees a soul who needs a mama up there in heaven to send them my way. We struggled with unexplained infertility with our first, and got pregnant nearly right away with this one. I have no other explanation other than this being a gift from my dad, especially since I implanted the day he died. I like to think it’s a sign he made it to heaven safely.

brandtroxel · August 2018

I got pregnant with my first at the end of my mom's fight with cancer. About a month after she passed, I miscarried. I had such an overwhelming feeling of loss. A few months later we conceived again, unexpectedly. I had a hard time bonding while pregnant and for a few weeks after birth.

Throughout the pregnancy and especially the first year I was very sad and hurt. I leaned heavily on my husband, my best friend and an unexpected co-worker/friend. I talked through it. I allowed myself to feel my emotions.

Fast forward three years. We were planning to conceive and when I stopped taking my BC we learned my Dad has a glioblastoma. The most severe brain cancer. I have a rocky relationship with him and finally told him the truth about how I feel a few months before his diagnosis. So that's great. I took the news pretty hard and drank myself through it. Not the best policy but it's the truth. I've worked through it, spec drinking and conceived, well 7 weeks ago. I again leaned on my husband, my best friend and a co-worker. For me, talking and feeling my emotions helps. I don't know if my Dad will live until this baby is born and I won't be able to travel in a few months. I don't know how I'll feel but I'll lean on my support system.

StarIzInkd · August 2018

I feel for you. My dad was diagnosed with Cancer in April and we found out how bad it was on May 1. He passed May 22. We were JUST starting IVF treatments. Got our BFP 2 weeks ago with our first. I know how you feel. It just completely destroys your heart. ((((HUGS))))

mamalineh · August 2018

I am so sorry about your brother. My dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was a few months pregnant with my second. He died when my son was about 6 months and my daughter was 2.5. It was really hard in so many ways-- telling my daughter who was so close to her Papa, knowing that he won't be around to see my kids grow, and even (I felt selfish about feeling this way) all of this taking away from my excitement of my pregnancy. My mom was so stressed the entire time and I remember feeling like I was losing her too since she didn't have as much time for me.

In many ways parenting helped (and still helps) me get through my grief. I'm so busy and (most of the time) happy being a mama that I just don't have time to be sad. My kids are happy, innocent, and full of life that it's hard to remain cynical. I also started therapy less than a year ago and that has helped me just have a space to talk and learn some tools to deal with all my different emotions and "parts." The therapy I do is meditation-based and I've learned to love meditating and allowing myself space to feel any way I need. A great mantra I've learned through this is "it's not about feeling better it's about getting better at feeling." I've learned that you need to allow yourself the feelings of grief and that you actually have the capacity to feel strong feelings without them overwhelming you. Accepting that grief is a small part of you but there are also so many other (mostly happy) parts to explore has helped as well.

If you're a spiritual person, looking at signs that your brother is still around can be peaceful and comforting. Talking to him and about him is good too. I'm also really trying to talk about my dad a lot with my kids so that they feel like they know him even though he's not around. Lots of hugs to you!

rennie1108 · August 2018

@sdelg09 I am actually going through something similar (although I realize that 2 experiences are never the same). I lost my younger sister to breast cancer in May. She was sick for 3 1/2 years, but she got to be there for my wedding (we flew out to Ohio to get married on my mom's porch b/c she was too sick to travel). She knew that we were doing IVF and she was so excited to be an aunt......but she didn't live long enough to see me pregnant. I got pregnant about 2 months after she passed. It's been really tough. I'm going to start seeing a therapist, something I should've done a long time ago. I'm sorry I don't really have any advice! I just wanted you to know you're not alone. And that you can do this

As hard as it is - and this may not help you but it helps me a little - my friend told me recently: When 1 thing ends, another always begins. I like to think my sister helped me get pregnant up with the big guy.

Ok, now I'm gonna cry. Let me know if you ever want to chat privately! xoxo

happynanny · September 2018

Thank you so much for making this post. ❤ This is also my first pregnancy after experiencing intense loss. In February 2016, quite unexpectedly my oldest brother took his own life. Only 4 months later I lost my older sister and best friend in the world after a seven-year battle with cancer. My father had a massive stroke in between these two losses and he passed away in November 2017.
I can relate to so much of what you said. My sister was the first person to hold my first born, apart from my husband and myself. Going through this giant part of my life without her beside me is heartbreaking. My kids are 5 and 4 and don't have many memories of my siblings but to know that this baby will never have the opportunity to meet her (or my brother, or my dad) just kills me.
Again thank you so much for sharing you are experience. I am happy to have this thread to refer to on a bad day and am more than willing to be a listening ear to you or anyone else that may need one.

lilpotatomama · September 2018

I feel badly for not responding to each of you. It is hard. I know we can all agree that we have good days and bad days. Sometimes days that are a little bit of both. Or days where we finally think we are at peace, and something stops us in our tracks and makes it hard to breathe.
I know for me, it’s about taking it day by day. Sometimes even minute by minute. We CAN do this.

rennie1108 · September 2018

@sdelg09 don't feel bad! I feel a bit overwhelmed with all the posts sometimes; there's no way you can respond to everyone each time!

tumblefluff · September 2018

@sdelg09 my Dad was placed into a nursing home 2 days before DS1 was born. He had early on-set dementia and needed full-time care. While DS1 was able to meet him, he never got the chance to know the person I knew.

About a month before we conceived DS2 my Dad passed away.

Its been over 3 years now and I still have days where I’m so very angry about how unfair life can be. We can only make the best of it and share with our LOs how amazing the person we knew was.

After my Dad passed we made this to keep his memory alive. It’s very simple but something to keep him in their minds from time to time.

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