MIL came to visit and hold the baby and while holding DD looks around my house and at me and says, " Is there something you need to get done while I hold the baby?" Mind you my house is one giant cluster f*** since its mid renovation and we have been storing her 20+years accumulation of crap, so I left boxes in the living room for her to take when she came. After I said no I was all caught up on laundry, dishes etc. She said, "well dont you need to put on some makeup or something." At this point I literally about told her to F off.
@elizabethrn87 that is probably the one thing I absolutely hate the most in terms of comments others can make. Babies thrive from the contact and they need it as much as possible! I think it gets me riled up because I’m a therapist and focused a lot on infant development in school and learned how much babies need the affection and response from caregivers. I never have a good response when anyone says that
@kbernal2021 are you kidding me?? I’d lose it. How about, “why don’t you go take a nap while I hang out with the baby?” Or, “let me put the baby down and do some dishes for you.” My MIL makes me ragey too and I’m so glad they haven't come over to visit yet.
I had to cut the visit short by saying I needed to feed the baby very soon and get my son in the shower. Not to mention I am also doing it 100% alone so things tend to fall through the cracks and i feel I've done a pretty solid job keeping up with it all. I just dont get why people open their mouths sometimes.
ETA: @julianne0 I hate that too. My SIL had her second son in may and has a 2 year old. Before she delivered she was telling me that she was going to focus on putting the baby down and noone holding him unless she is nursing because, "I dont want him to be dependent on me like DS1!" I legit wanted to cry for that baby, I told her that babies need that security and they're not going to be spoiled by you showing them motherly love and affection. Kids are dependent that's just the nature of it.
@kbernal2021 I would rage so hard. My MIL lives in Florida so at least it will just be a shorter visit when she comes. I have every intention of handing her the baby and going to take a nap which is exactly what my sister did to be every time I came over, lol.
@kbernal2021 Wow, I don’t think I would have been able to suppress a response to that. I’m hoping I don’t have to worry about those comments with my mom and MIL, but my FIL has a way of insulting you through sarcastic jokes, so I’m already dreading his visit.
@KatyF0813 that answer is amazing! @SmashJam that is what I tell people, what other choice is there but to just take care of them?! @gingerbride26 ugh sorry for the rude comments!
We we were telling someone we’ve limited visitors since they were preemies and followed drs orders. Their response was ‘theyll Be exposed to everything anyway’. Yeah maybe in a year but for now all we do is stay home or go to the dr. They’re not walking around touching stuff just yet.
My mom said to me the other day "I'm taking a step back from helping you because I want you to have a real single mother experience." Lol, thanks? Like I'm not already lol.
@hayhay93 well that’s super helpful.. why would anyone want you to have the *real* single mom experience... I wouldn’t want any fellow mom to have to struggle like that. Why not help if you can??
Thank you! That was my exact thought! If I was around when she was a single mom, I absolutely would have helped her. I think she just didn't have the same support I've had. She's been making a lot of comments like that, she mentioned at one point that she didn't need as much help as me when she was a single mom, so I guess she's insinuating I'm not as good or as strong as her... The funny thing is the only time I needed a lot of help was when I was on the wound vac still. I didn't think I'd get so many comments from my own mom. She's been super helpful and mostly nice but stuff like that hurts. @hillbillywife
@hayhay93 I’m sure it does! I’m sorry your mom is being hurtful- even if she’s kind of jealous or whatever of your support system. It’s not really an excuse.
My mom told me lastnight at dinner that she had no one to help her though she was married to my dad and I should be so lucky I have a husband, mom, sister, etc. Who all are willing to help me. Ummm...passive aggressive much? She tends to make these passive comments like this while she is holding lo nonetheless. I get our mom's may have had different journeys with motherhood, however, this is not a one up or an eye or an eye type situation. Makes me sad.
She asked me today why so many people keep asking if I need help when, "You chose a 6 year age gap."
Not gonna lie after the comments the other day and tonight I lost it. I replied, "I'll make sure to get my 6 year old up MOTN to help with diaper changes, have him rock her to sleep when shes fussy, maybe he can even cook dinner or run to the store for me when I need something!" Very snarky and she shut up. I'm about done answering her calls at all or letting her in my house to see my kids.
Went to my pedi and got similar feedback with him saying how much help I must need. My mil was with me and she totally has my back, saying that I do take care of the kids on my own, which was sweet. You guys, he kept going on so I totally told him ‘I’m topless a lot of the time and it’s easier if I’m the only one around!’
@hayhay93 and @kbernal2021 those comments are ridiculous, I am so disappointed that they said this stuff out loud to you! Some of this stuff makes me hope when I’m a mil whatever comes out of my mouth is supportive only!
@kbernal2021 that is just so uncalled for... I mean what is even the point to saying that? I’m glad you said something! Sometimes people really need to hear/know how rude they’re being
@crabcake18 maybe his unwanted feedback was because he was a man.. men tend to never say the right things to new moms lol. So glad your MIL had your back, and FWIW you are definitely a trooper. I always said idk how I would do it if I had twins but I guess when you have to you make it work, seems like you are doing an awesome job!
If I've learned anything from my MIL while DH is away it's what not to say to/how not to treat your DIL, when H is around she is never like this towards me. True colors show when she knows messages wont get relayed and she wont be confronted by her son.
@kbernal2021 holy shit - my MIL made a comment about the house and toilets not being clean as she sat there holding a sleeping DD last time around, but if she'd made a comment about makeup she'd be dead.
@crabcake18 we're using his NICU graduate status as excuse to re-educate family on proper newborn visit behavior - including no kissing and no smokey clothes. We got shit with DD for not wanting to take her to family cookouts right away to avoid "pass the baby" encounters
AFM You would be shocked how many people implied how "lucky" I was to be getting sleep right after DS was born because he was in the NICU - actually I'd rather be sleepless with a healthy baby in my arms than have to sit by his bed hooked up to wires and tubes not allowed to hold him but getting 8 hrs sleep. I'm sure I'll have 1000 more when MIL visits Friday - she already started in during a phone call with DH about how we just need to wedge him up on his side for him to sleep after DH admitted neither of us were sleep much because he hates his bassinet- we screamed at her for the same advice 2 years ago with DD.
AFM You would be shocked how many people implied how "lucky" I was to be getting sleep right after DS was born because he was in the NICU - actually I'd rather be sleepless with a healthy baby in my arms than have to sit by his bed hooked up to wires and tubes not allowed to hold him but getting 8 hrs sleep.
This. All of this. For me I was still getting up every three hours to pump anyways. I’d much rather be getting up in the middle of the night for a baby than a pump....and I’d much rather have her home than be sleeping “well”. (Do people ever sleep well while their children are hospitalized? I didn’t!)
People mean well trying to find positives in a tough situation but I had to bite my tongue so many times....
Hope your babe is doing well now! NICU life is so tough.
@tarheelgirl8 and @gingerbride26 I’m sorry for the insensitive nicu comments. People can be so dumb! @kbernal2021 thank you so much for your kind words! You’re right that men do NOT know what to say, eyeroll.
I had had a woman laugh at me when I walked by with my double stroller. (We were the only two in th hallway)-why? Ugh. I had a Pap smear with the nurse who asked me at my pp check up if I would b ‘trying for a girl’. I am not loving comments like this from people who don’t even know me, and hello, I just had babies!
Re: Things people say to new Mothers
Kylie M.
Baby #1 Born 12.16.2015
Baby #2 Due 7.13.2018
ETA: @julianne0 I hate that too. My SIL had her second son in may and has a 2 year old. Before she delivered she was telling me that she was going to focus on putting the baby down and noone holding him unless she is nursing because, "I dont want him to be dependent on me like DS1!" I legit wanted to cry for that baby, I told her that babies need that security and they're not going to be spoiled by you showing them motherly love and affection. Kids are dependent that's just the nature of it.
We we were telling someone we’ve limited visitors since they were preemies and followed drs orders. Their response was ‘theyll Be exposed to everything anyway’. Yeah maybe in a year but for now all we do is stay home or go to the dr. They’re not walking around touching stuff just yet.
maybe the last thing one wants to hear with a screaming infant in their ear
My mom told me lastnight at dinner that she had no one to help her though she was married to my dad and I should be so lucky I have a husband, mom, sister, etc. Who all are willing to help me. Ummm...passive aggressive much? She tends to make these passive comments like this while she is holding lo nonetheless. I get our mom's may have had different journeys with motherhood, however, this is not a one up or an eye or an eye type situation. Makes me sad.
She asked me today why so many people keep asking if I need help when, "You chose a 6 year age gap."
Not gonna lie after the comments the other day and tonight I lost it. I replied, "I'll make sure to get my 6 year old up MOTN to help with diaper changes, have him rock her to sleep when shes fussy, maybe he can even cook dinner or run to the store for me when I need something!" Very snarky and she shut up. I'm about done answering her calls at all or letting her in my house to see my kids.
@hayhay93 and @kbernal2021 those comments are ridiculous, I am so disappointed that they said this stuff out loud to you! Some of this stuff makes me hope when I’m a mil whatever comes out of my mouth is supportive only!
If I've learned anything from my MIL while DH is away it's what not to say to/how not to treat your DIL, when H is around she is never like this towards me. True colors show when she knows messages wont get relayed and she wont be confronted by her son.
AFM You would be shocked how many people implied how "lucky" I was to be getting sleep right after DS was born because he was in the NICU - actually I'd rather be sleepless with a healthy baby in my arms than have to sit by his bed hooked up to wires and tubes not allowed to hold him but getting 8 hrs sleep. I'm sure I'll have 1000 more when MIL visits Friday - she already started in during a phone call with DH about how we just need to wedge him up on his side for him to sleep after DH admitted neither of us were sleep much because he hates his bassinet- we screamed at her for the same advice 2 years ago with DD.
People mean well trying to find positives in a tough situation but I had to bite my tongue so many times....
Hope your babe is doing well now! NICU life is so tough.
I had had a woman laugh at me when I walked by with my double stroller. (We were the only two in th hallway)-why? Ugh. I had a Pap smear with the nurse who asked me at my pp check up if I would b ‘trying for a girl’. I am not loving comments like this from people who don’t even know me, and hello, I just had babies!