@julesf817 I agree on the wedding front. Would we have been just as happy doing something small? probably. But we both have HUGE families (my mom is 1 of 8 kids and mil is 1 of 10 so we have a lot of aunts/uncles/cousins etc) spread out across the country and so we did a destination wedding in New Orleans that essentially turned into a giant family reunion since so many of our friends and relatives made the trip to hang out and celebrate it was seriously one of the best weekends of my life and I have absolutely no regrets. Everyone still to this day (5 years and several family weddings later) talks about it how much fun it was and the pictures of all our grandparents in the same place at the same time are absolutely priceless.
weddings: I didn't want one and my husband did, so we had one It was smallish nice and all I cared about was pictures and food, but even with an event planner it stressed me out so much. I just hated feeling like there were so many expectations of ME, the magical bride. I just wanted to be married and be done with it. We had an early afternoon ceremony and heavy hors d'oeuvres at a fancy ass wine restaurant for our reception. There was a DJ (cringe) but I still wanted a first dance with my hubs. I hated that I had to do a parent dance (I don't have a good relationship with my dad) but wanted my husband to be able to dance with his mom and not be a whole awkward "thing". We did at least walk down the aisle together -- I didn't want my parents giving me away. (how's that for an UO)!
rings: my husband wanted me to have a big one. There's a part of me that loves and appreciates that, he had the money saved up, etc. But it's kind of hard to wear all of the time and then I feel like a douche canoe for not wearing it (to work at home in my pajamas). Also a little sad that I don't have a more comfortable ring -- I wanted something that was flush mounted, wouldn't get caught on things... not what I got. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful ring! Just impractical at times. This is the most first world problem ever.
I think the "natural" delivery thing is kind of like the breastfeeding v formula feeding issue. Probably an UO but there is a more physically natural method, even if it isn't necessarily the best/right option for everyone. I've done both an unmedicated vaginal delivery, and a planned c-section; I've been dedicated to breastfeeding and also supplemented with formula. Does either make me a "better" or "stronger" mom? Not really. But taking pride in a great accomplishment should be okay! Putting either kind of mom down is just not the way to celebrate and support motherhood.
I'll bring up what was mentioned in another thread: as a FTM, I have a lot of mixed feelings and fears about breastfeeding. I will try and I want to for a multitude of reasons, but I have many other reasons to not want to (anxiety, drugs I take for that anxiety, other drugs I take for other medical issues, a lot of heebie jeebies because of past sexual abuse). I know it's an UO, but I'm not jazzed about breastfeeding.
UO- I think milk-sharing is wonderful. I have been blessed/cursed with a huge oversupply of breast milk with past babies and have been happy to see it go to good use when I donate it directly to the families who need it.
UO- I think milk-sharing is wonderful. I have been blessed/cursed with a huge oversupply of breast milk with past babies and have been happy to see it go to good use when I donate it directly to the families who need it.
Yes! I have also been a donor, and it felt like there was this whole wonderful community I never knew existed. I think it can be kind of invisible because in general people think it's really weird.
My UO is that I think a lot of the birth practices in the US are messed up. We have one of the worst maternal death rates in the modern world, and I wish doctors had more experience with unmedicated births and women didn’t gave to lay in beds to deliver etc. I know we’re a super litigious society, but I got really into reading and learning about this stuff and it makes me sad/mad that threat of litigation has changed so much of what is “standard.” I don’t think birth is a “procedure” and im obviously SUPER grateful for developments in modern medicine that save lives, but I also think interventions can have a negative impact on birth. And trust me—I’m a gmo/fast food eating, vaccination believing non-hippy. I just feel this way about prenatal care and birth.
I definitely agree with you. It comes from a long line of messed-up practices starting in the 1990s, when an all-male medical profession- often with *zero* experience in birth- tried to discredit all lay midwives, etc with decades of experience. Obviously things are better today then they were in the 50s, but I think remnants of that sort of thinking about pregnancy and birth still around today. Of course, medical advances are huge and it's a miracle that they are around for when we need them- but overall the thinking of pregnancy and birth as an illness isn't very helpful. It's probably harmful, since many extra procedures are not without risk.
Also, maternity leave in the U.S. is just abysmal, as it seems like everyone knows? But it isn't changing? It boggles my mind on a daily basis how the U.S. has not fixed this, when all other industrialized countries have come up with solutions to pay for maternity leave. It's frankly a bit embarrassing.
My UO: I think that most pregnancy food guidelines (which have become like 'rules') are BS for the most part, and kind of alarmist/paternalistic to pregnant women. Do women in Japan stop eating sushi when pregnant? No. Is there a real good reason to stop eating lunch meat? No. I'd think just being more careful about food safety in general would make way more sense. Even alcohol- no baby has ever got FAS from a mother drinking an occasional adult beverage. The FDA decided to post that guidelines around the 1990s though, just because there hadn't been research. Visibly pregnant women who have a beverage with dinner definitely get shamed, and possibly not served by waiters. But in other countries, it's perfectly normal. Also our grandma's (if American) probably drank pretty frequently (if not heavily) through pregnancy.
That said, I still do follow most of the food guidelines because they work with my lifestyle, and I guess I get concerned about being a "good" pregnant person. Maybe it's just an weird, nonsensical identity thing. But honestly I think the medical profession should be more honest with women about the research and risk involved in various behaviors- instead of just telling them they cannot have a whole host of foods *at all*, do certain activities *at all* etc. It makes women freak out if they 'slip up' or drink before they found out they were pregnant, etc. and it frankly is just not scientific.
Another UO I have/ I would actively oppose any bill which sought to provide government funded maternity leave. When the government provides something for “free” it’s not really free at all. “Government money” is actually the people”s money. “Government funded” just means that we, the people, have been forced to pay for it. If you like the idea of extra money being taken from your paycheck to have that money available for syour maternity leave, then you’d be better off setting aside the extra money yourself.
And that goes for any other government program. You think the schools need more money? Go donate to your local school. At least then you know all makes it to the actual school instead of 60/80% of it being diverted to administrators and bureaucrats like when we raise taxes for education.
There are a lot of great places for our money to go to. I just prefer to make the decisions as to where my money goes myself instead of voting to force others to pay for what I value, too.
Another UO I have/ I would actively oppose any bill which sought to provide government funded maternity leave. When the government provides something for “free” it’s not really free at all. “Government money” is actually the people”s money. “Government funded” just means that we, the people, have been forced to pay for it. If you like the idea of extra money being taken from your paycheck to have that money available for syour maternity leave, then you’d be better off setting aside the extra money yourself.
And that goes for any other government program. You think the schools need more money? Go donate to your local school. At least then you know all makes it to the actual school instead of 60/80% of it being diverted to administrators and bureaucrats like when we raise taxes for education.
There are a lot of great places for our money to go to. I just prefer to make the decisions as to where my money goes myself instead of voting to force others to pay for what I value, too.
I mean, yes that is a fair point- there would presumably be a cost and nothing that's 'free' is free. Wouldn't it depend what the cost actually ended up as though? Or would you just automatically oppose that kind of bill on principle?
I looked up an estimate, and Forbes estimated $1/week deduction for paid maternity leave for the average employee (median might be less), as that is what it was in New Hampshire. I could see how some wouldn't want to pay that though. I imagine this might come down to ones thoughts in general about taxes- some people really don't like the principle of others deciding what to do with their money, and if so that's their belief and it's hard to get around it. Maybe that's you to a degree, but I don't want to assume.
Taxes function on income though too- so if you are lower on the spectrum (aka most of us), the theoretical benefit from taxes may be greater than what we'd get if we were to just try to afford everything ourselves, with no taxes on anything. As in, I don't think most of us could save for a paid maternity leave- using the savings from not paying a tax- to get the same benefit.
Another random thought- At my job, we also have an optional Short Term Disability insurance that costs roughly $1/week, and it can also be used for family leave. That kind of thing is nice as you can choose to put into it or not- but I don't think that kind of thing is offered at most companies. Optional leave wouldn't work on a national level, but maybe independent insurance companies offer it. Is that a thing?
merostomata said: But honestly I think the medical profession should be more honest with women about the research and risk involved in various behaviors- instead of just telling them they cannot have a whole host of foods *at all*, do certain activities *at all* etc. It makes women freak out if they 'slip up' or drink before they found out they were pregnant, etc. and it frankly is just not scientific.
I also wish doctors would do this more. I greatly appreciate medical advances that enable me to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, but I wish more doctors were more willing to actually sit and discuss the risks and benefits different options instead of just deciding what you should do. I don’t do well with “do this,” I need to understand the reasons/evidence behind the recommendation, and doctors rarely appreciate that.
merostomata said: But honestly I think the medical profession should be more honest with women about the research and risk involved in various behaviors- instead of just telling them they cannot have a whole host of foods *at all*, do certain activities *at all* etc. It makes women freak out if they 'slip up' or drink before they found out they were pregnant, etc. and it frankly is just not scientific.
I also wish doctors would do this more. I greatly appreciate medical advances that enable me to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, but I wish more doctors were more willing to actually sit and discuss the risks and benefits different options instead of just deciding what you should do. I don’t do well with “do this,” I need to understand the reasons/evidence behind the recommendation, and doctors rarely appreciate that.
I work in the healthcare field and Inagree with you both 100%! I have seen this every place I have worked, and every place I did clinicals in nursing school. I have worked in the healthcare field for 15 years, first in doctor's offices, then as a CNA, and for the last 10 years, an RN. I have noticed that there seems to be widespread culture within the healthcare field that our main goal is patient compliance. When I have been given an order to perform a procedure, or administer a medication to a patient, I have occasionally asked the doctor or nurse manager, "What if the patient doesn't want it?" Such answers have included "Then it's your job to convince them," "Don't tell them they have a choice," "Just go in and start doing it," or even, "Well, don't tell them it's a different medication unless they ask." These answers have been given by many different doctors, and many different nurse managers at multiple hospitals, and multiple other healthcare facilities.
As healthcare professionals, we frequently use the phrase "informed consent," but it seems to me that too often what we really mean is "partially informed consent." We inform them only enough to convince them to comply; we do not inform them enough for them to truly make an informed choice. In fact, we discourage patient choice when that choice is not compliance. This is not right, and it needs to change. Doctors, nurses, and other healthcare providers should be there to advocate for our patients, and this includes treating them as individuals with the right to know that they have the right to make their own healthcare decisions, even decisions that their doctors or nurses don't agree with. I push back hard against this culture of compliance, and I get a lot of grief for it. But I will always fully inform my patients and support them in their choices, even if the choice is not to follow their doctors advice.
My UO is that I really think it's weird when people create hashtags...(and worse even) individual social media accounts...for their kids. I get the point of it because you want a digital catalog of all things related to your kid but #1: how many people are posting pics of your kid that you don't know? and #2 how inaccessible are the photos to you, the parent, that you'd need a hashtag to view them all? At least with the hashtag, don't use the last name. Stranger danger! Come up with something creative and individual that can't be used in a negative way by the creep in the van offering candy to your kid and knowing its full name.
I agree this board is a bit slow, but I have nothing to compare it to. @galactickates I was pumped to do a LGBTQ board (Team rainbow) but it got virtually no action so it made me sad and I've let it go. Anyone team rainbow who reads this, if you want it started up again then let me know! I'd gladly keep it going but I felt like the lonely lesbian in pregnant cyberland. I forget who was running the plus size mama check in but I'd love that one to kick up again.
My wife and I have conceived a babe with my body and frozen donor sperm through IUI, with medication support (clomid, ovidrel, and injections of progesterone) IUI #1, #2, and #3: Dec 2017, Jan 2018, and Feb 2018 - all BFN HSG Test: April 2018 - all clear! IUI #4: April 15/16, 2018 - BFP!! EDD: Jan 7, 2019
When I have been given an order to perform a procedure, or administer a medication to a patient, I have occasionally asked the doctor or nurse manager, "What if the patient doesn't want it?" Such answers have included "Then it's your job to convince them," "Don't tell them they have a choice," "Just go in and start doing it," or even, "Well, don't tell them it's a different medication unless they ask."
Oh wow, how terrifying. Glad you're pushing back against that culture. That is good to know though as a patient.
Another UO: I really dislike fireworks. Small fireworks are fine, and the big controlled shows on the waterfront can be cool but I really dislike the big, illegal ones that are popular in my neighborhood. My neighborhood loves fireworks (they set them off periodically year round) and will continue to set them off nightly for the entire month of July. It scares my pets and keeps me up. My neighborhood also has occasional gun violence- rare but it happens- and every July Nextdoor will be lit up with people freaked out about "gunshots", which are just loud fireworks. I also have a beef with fireworks for causing forest fires and such. Really its the people using them inappropriately who are to blame. Every damn year! Now that I'm preggo I have even less patience. Basically:
I agree this board is a bit slow, but I have nothing to compare it to. @galactickates I was pumped to do a LGBTQ board (Team rainbow) but it got virtually no action so it made me sad and I've let it go. Anyone team rainbow who reads this, if you want it started up again then let me know! I'd gladly keep it going but I felt like the lonely lesbian in pregnant cyberland. I forget who was running the plus size mama check in but I'd love that one to kick up again.
Dang, I'm sorry there wasn't much going on on Team Rainbow! I wonder if starting a general board outside of January 2019 moms would give the chance for more LGBTQ folks (of various due dates) to check in? I'm not sure of the rules for that though.
Just a suggestion, but take it with a grain of salt because it is coming from a non-LGBTQ, but for a pregnancy and parenting board, if I saw “Team Rainbow” I would assume they meant pregnancy after loss, since those babies are commonly referred to as “Rainbow Babies.” Maybe a different name to more clearly state what the group is about would attract the people you’re intending to?
@merostomata Do you live in my town? This firework situation happens every year. And every night the local Facebook group blows up with 'fireworks or gunshots' posts. I find it annoying to hear every night but I didn't have a dog when I actually lived in town and heard them. Now we are in a different neighborhood and don't hear them. I honestly find the Facebook posts more annoying and the constant bickering between people about it that ensues. But seriously, why can't people just follow the law?
@rooonilwaazlib I agree with @libertymomrn in that maybe a different name for the group would be helpful. When it comes to pregnancy and babies, every time I hear/read "rainbow" I always think of someone being pregnant after loss, since that's what "rainbow babies" are (babies that are born following a loss). I totally get why you're calling it "team rainbow", now that I know you and you've shared your story, but it might be confusing for those who might not be following this board as closely?
I hope you can get connected in a group or create a group that is engaging I know how helpful that can be, and can help take away that feeling of being the lonely lesbian, since I'm sure you're not the only one on TB! And possibly look at the community as a whole, not just J19?
@rooonilwaazlib I don't like the hashtag/social media accounts for kids either. I have friends who hashtag EVERY photo of their kid with their FULL NAME! And their accounts are not always private. Personally, I avoid using my child's name in any post I make about him - definitely not a hashtag. I just don't trust the internet and the people using it with that information.
@merostomata I don't mind the fireworks that neighbors set off in my area. My parents used to put on a fireworks show for their church friends every 4th, and everyone always looked forward to it. The only time I hear fireworks in my neighborhood is on the 4th of July and sometimes New Year's, but I expect it to happen, so it never bothers me. I can see where it would be bothersome and alarming in your case, so I don't blame you for not being a fan. I would not like it either if I had to hear fireworks every evening in July - that's a bit much.
@libertymomrn@sweetyjenj ...yes you are both right! I was lazy and didn't want to type it all here but I definitely called it something to the effect of Team Rainbow (LGBTQ folks expecting babies) with both threads. But great tip and thanks for the input! Maybe people were still confused? Oh well! I'll try again soon. Still happy to hang with the other ladies too!
My wife and I have conceived a babe with my body and frozen donor sperm through IUI, with medication support (clomid, ovidrel, and injections of progesterone) IUI #1, #2, and #3: Dec 2017, Jan 2018, and Feb 2018 - all BFN HSG Test: April 2018 - all clear! IUI #4: April 15/16, 2018 - BFP!! EDD: Jan 7, 2019
@rooonilwaazlib Oh! that whole title seems pretty clear to me! Unless they think it's for LGBTQ folks expecting babies after loss? lol but I think that would be a stretch.
Re: UO (Unpopular Opinion) 6/28/18
rings: my husband wanted me to have a big one. There's a part of me that loves and appreciates that, he had the money saved up, etc. But it's kind of hard to wear all of the time and then I feel like a douche canoe for not wearing it (to work at home in my pajamas). Also a little sad that I don't have a more comfortable ring -- I wanted something that was flush mounted, wouldn't get caught on things... not what I got. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful ring! Just impractical at times. This is the most first world problem ever.
Andrea -- FTM at 39!
Andrea -- FTM at 39!
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
Also, maternity leave in the U.S. is just abysmal, as it seems like everyone knows? But it isn't changing? It boggles my mind on a daily basis how the U.S. has not fixed this, when all other industrialized countries have come up with solutions to pay for maternity leave. It's frankly a bit embarrassing.
My UO: I think that most pregnancy food guidelines (which have become like 'rules') are BS for the most part, and kind of alarmist/paternalistic to pregnant women. Do women in Japan stop eating sushi when pregnant? No. Is there a real good reason to stop eating lunch meat? No. I'd think just being more careful about food safety in general would make way more sense. Even alcohol- no baby has ever got FAS from a mother drinking an occasional adult beverage. The FDA decided to post that guidelines around the 1990s though, just because there hadn't been research. Visibly pregnant women who have a beverage with dinner definitely get shamed, and possibly not served by waiters. But in other countries, it's perfectly normal. Also our grandma's (if American) probably drank pretty frequently (if not heavily) through pregnancy.
That said, I still do follow most of the food guidelines because they work with my lifestyle, and I guess I get concerned about being a "good" pregnant person. Maybe it's just an weird, nonsensical identity thing. But honestly I think the medical profession should be more honest with women about the research and risk involved in various behaviors- instead of just telling them they cannot have a whole host of foods *at all*, do certain activities *at all* etc. It makes women freak out if they 'slip up' or drink before they found out they were pregnant, etc. and it frankly is just not scientific.
And that goes for any other government program. You think the schools need more money? Go donate to your local school. At least then you know all makes it to the actual school instead of 60/80% of it being diverted to administrators and bureaucrats like when we raise taxes for education.
There are a lot of great places for our money to go to. I just prefer to make the decisions as to where my money goes myself instead of voting to force others to pay for what I value, too.
I looked up an estimate, and Forbes estimated $1/week deduction for paid maternity leave for the average employee (median might be less), as that is what it was in New Hampshire. I could see how some wouldn't want to pay that though. I imagine this might come down to ones thoughts in general about taxes- some people really don't like the principle of others deciding what to do with their money, and if so that's their belief and it's hard to get around it. Maybe that's you to a degree, but I don't want to assume.
Taxes function on income though too- so if you are lower on the spectrum (aka most of us), the theoretical benefit from taxes may be greater than what we'd get if we were to just try to afford everything ourselves, with no taxes on anything. As in, I don't think most of us could save for a paid maternity leave- using the savings from not paying a tax- to get the same benefit.
Another random thought- At my job, we also have an optional Short Term Disability insurance that costs roughly $1/week, and it can also be used for family leave. That kind of thing is nice as you can choose to put into it or not- but I don't think that kind of thing is offered at most companies. Optional leave wouldn't work on a national level, but maybe independent insurance companies offer it. Is that a thing?
I also wish doctors would do this more. I greatly appreciate medical advances that enable me to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, but I wish more doctors were more willing to actually sit and discuss the risks and benefits different options instead of just deciding what you should do. I don’t do well with “do this,” I need to understand the reasons/evidence behind the recommendation, and doctors rarely appreciate that.
I agree this board is a bit slow, but I have nothing to compare it to. @galactickates I was pumped to do a LGBTQ board (Team rainbow) but it got virtually no action so it made me sad and I've let it go. Anyone team rainbow who reads this, if you want it started up again then let me know! I'd gladly keep it going but I felt like the lonely lesbian in pregnant cyberland. I forget who was running the plus size mama check in but I'd love that one to kick up again.
My wife and I have conceived a babe with my body and frozen donor sperm through IUI, with medication support (clomid, ovidrel, and injections of progesterone)
IUI #1, #2, and #3: Dec 2017, Jan 2018, and Feb 2018 - all BFN
HSG Test: April 2018 - all clear!
IUI #4: April 15/16, 2018 - BFP!! EDD: Jan 7, 2019
Another UO: I really dislike fireworks. Small fireworks are fine, and the big controlled shows on the waterfront can be cool but I really dislike the big, illegal ones that are popular in my neighborhood. My neighborhood loves fireworks (they set them off periodically year round) and will continue to set them off nightly for the entire month of July. It scares my pets and keeps me up. My neighborhood also has occasional gun violence- rare but it happens- and every July Nextdoor will be lit up with people freaked out about "gunshots", which are just loud fireworks. I also have a beef with fireworks for causing forest fires and such. Really its the people using them inappropriately who are to blame. Every damn year! Now that I'm preggo I have even less patience. Basically:
I hope you can get connected in a group or create a group that is engaging
Married: 8/11/2007
DD: Born 2/3/17
BFP#2: 5/3, EDD 1/10/19
@merostomata I don't mind the fireworks that neighbors set off in my area. My parents used to put on a fireworks show for their church friends every 4th, and everyone always looked forward to it. The only time I hear fireworks in my neighborhood is on the 4th of July and sometimes New Year's, but I expect it to happen, so it never bothers me. I can see where it would be bothersome and alarming in your case, so I don't blame you for not being a fan. I would not like it either if I had to hear fireworks every evening in July - that's a bit much.
My wife and I have conceived a babe with my body and frozen donor sperm through IUI, with medication support (clomid, ovidrel, and injections of progesterone)
IUI #1, #2, and #3: Dec 2017, Jan 2018, and Feb 2018 - all BFN
HSG Test: April 2018 - all clear!
IUI #4: April 15/16, 2018 - BFP!! EDD: Jan 7, 2019
Married: 8/11/2007
DD: Born 2/3/17
BFP#2: 5/3, EDD 1/10/19