Mental Health Check In 6/13

SmashJam · June 2018

Feel free to share, vent, or support other members on this thread.

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Mental health diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?

How are you feeling?

SmashJam · June 2018

Mental health diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today? Originally, situational depression after the death of my daughter. Unofficially, kind of self diagnosed anxiety issues, based on the way I seem to spiral about situations and possible situations.

How are you feeling? Off and on ok, but things came to a head the other day after DH's little baseball scenario. I have been having feelings that if I could somehow leave everyone behind after the birth that they would all be better off because I am a bad mother and don't know what we decided to have 2. Usually, this is accompanied wtih feelings of extreme saddness bc I couldn't leave DS, but this time it wasn't. I wasn't sad thinking about that. I just thought that DH wouldn't really have it easier, and neither would DS1 or 2, so I should probably stick around and tough it out. Then I realized I spent a solid amount of my child hood believing my mom hated us for making her a mom, and resented the hell out of us, and she probably could have avoided taking her unhappiness out on us if she had been medicated and receiving therapy. So I called the midwife and asked for my prescription to be re-upped and I have an appt wtih a social worker to recommend me a therapist tomorrow at 10:30. DH was a little taken aback that I did it without talking to him about it but I thought it needed to be done. And he's not much help with this stuff anyway.

Anyway, it'll be a couple weeks before the Zoloft kicks in, and I'm feeling a little guilt about the possible side effects, but I didn't want my spirals to get worse, and the side effects are really just low birth weight (LO is in the 80th percentile right now) and difficulty feeding after birth so I can stomach those.

stillcozy · June 2018

Mental health: Anxiety and depression

How are you feeling: I pretty much laid it out in the randoms thread but I am feeling really overwhelmed about adding this second child. I know it is so much due to sleep deprivation and pain but man it is hard. I am really looking forward to giving birth so I can start on medications again to feel better

noideawhatshesdoing · June 2018

Mental health: situational depression, anxiety, OCD and PTSD

I'm one of the mommas that went back on her meds, got to the point it was the only way we were all going to make it through the rest of this journey without a massive breakdown. Felt like I was backed into a corner, but the risks of being back on the meds was quickly outweighing the risks of not for me. I have felt more stable since going back on, but generally feel sort of apathetic in general. It's one of the reasons I don't like the meds to begin with, they make me feel sort of bored and dead inside, but it beats my spirals.

But this week is super rough and I think the bored feeling is actually my savior this week. This weekend my dad and two of my brothers leave for a long out of state backpacking trip and the only way to contact them will be via the satellite phone they have on them for emergencies. Normally that wouldn't have me rattled, but being so close to my due date and them not being here is really messing with me. This weekend marks the 2nd anniversary of the loss of my youngest brother, and my dad and other brothers won't be here. It's still hard that he's gone, and when you're a survivor of a suicide loss people aren't as willing to talk to you about your loved one as they are when we lose people in other ways. They just want to move passed it like it didn't happen or that person wasn't important or something. He fought his demons for well over a decade and it unfortunately it wasn't exactly unexpected. I think if I wasn't on the meds I would be really in a spiral this week. This whole pregnancy has been so hard knowing my kid will never know him and I know he would have loved being an uncle again. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer!

stillcozy · June 2018

@noideawhatshesdoing thinking of you. So sorry for your loss

noideawhatshesdoing · June 2018

@SmashJam Sorry you've been having such a rough go, but I'm glad that you've reached out and started the process of getting some help. Such a positive step. Mental health plus pregnancy sucks! Hope the medication and talking things out helps you feel a little more steady. We are not our parents. You're not alone.

@lindsayleigh1989 Thank you. Sorry to be a downer, but I know this is a safer space so I opted to share it here vs somewhere else. It sucks but I'm sort of thankful the meds make me feel so blah because without I'm sure with this weekend and pregnancy hormones I'd be a royal mess. Also, I'm sorry about the overwhelmed feelings you've been experiencing, it seems like you're in good normal company though based on what other STMs were saying on the other thread. I'm not sure if that helps or not, but it doesn't sound unsual to experience those emotions and everything else when we're this close to the finish line, and in pain, and so so so tired! Hang in there!

SmashJam · June 2018

@noideawhatshesdoing I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you think the medication will help you, through this, and I'm sorry that your fam will be on a trip for that time.

wildtot · June 2018

So many hugs to you ladies and I’m sorry for your losses. You are all so strong for working through these rough days even if you don’t feel that you are.

Still got some lingering PPD and my anxiety has definitely started to worsen. I was never formally diagnosed or treated for anxiety but after a few conversations with my OB I will start meds at delivery. I plan to treat the anxiety first and see if that helps keep some depression at bay. I’ve been very short with H and DS lately. I thought i was more prepared but as we get closer to delivery I’m realizing I’m not in any way. I’m scared that H will once again leave me to care for the baby while he goes on to work on his hobbies. I’m scared that DS will feel unloved by his mommy especially not being able to carry him for a few weeks. I’m thankful for the family coming to help but at the same time I don’t want to see or talk to anyone. I just want to escape and be alone sometimes. Not be depended on or have to worry about someone’s feelings and needs over mine. I think of the times i wanted to run away when DS was born and I didn’t want him. I don’t want to ever feel that way again.

elizabethrn87 · June 2018

Hey ladies- hang in there.

Im still here. Been doing okay - ish. My psychiatrist retired and I had my intake interview with the new one. She might be added if a diagnosis that I’m having a hard time accepting. I just started to become okay with the bipolar diagnosis- so adding another unwanted diagnosis is messing with me. Especially because it won’t change my medication just the type of therapy I’ll receive.

noideawhatshesdoing · June 2018

@wildtot hugs! Those feelings are so hard to deal with I'm sure. As far as DS not feeling loved, in the long run, that really won't be a thing. I'm one of four kids and I seriously do not recall anything from the time my next bro was born and I'm sure my mom wasn't carrying me or playing with me as much. Turned out ok. I know mommy guilt is real and coupled with PPD it's that much harder, but this will all be a temporary phase and kids are a lot more resilient than I think we're aware of. Perhaps DS will really love being a big sibling and will want to "help"! Glad that you've discussed the meds and a plan with your OB as well. Puts you ahead of the game gives you a plan so hopefully you won't feel lost this time. And take advantage of family coming to try to get some rest you will so very much deserve.

@elizabethrn87 Hang in there! Is your new diagnosis something that is being exasperated by pregnancy hormones and might be easier to manage after delivery? Or maybe something that is easier to accept after delivery maybe?

Hugs everyone. Almost to the goal. Things may be tough, but talking about these issues here, with friends/family or with our health professionals really can help us all through these things. Sometimes it can be hard to see it, but there is light at the other end.

wildtot · June 2018

@noideawhatshesdoing thanks, I really do forget sometimes how resilient these tiny humans are. I talked to my Thyroid doc yesterday and she was super supportive in wanting to seem me earlier than usual to make sure I am doing well with hormones and depression. It's definitely comforting.

@elizabethrn87 getting an additional diagnosis can be really hard, I am sorry your going through that! Not mental health related, but with all my back issues and endo issues I was so sick and tired of being told I have one more medical issue that is not curable. Like my body was letting me down. Hang in there and just take one day at a time. *hugs*

wildtot · June 2018

I’m seriously the worse wife right now because i can honestly say i don’t really care it’s Father’s Day. H feels so entitled sometimes that i just can’t deal. I tried not saying anything but he forced it out of me (which i hate). I got smack for mother’s day and every other day I’m the one to deal with DS and house. He says i can go do stuff on my own but really i can’t often because he already has plans or i need to work it around his stuff all the time. Or i have to do it when DS is sleeping. Yesterday he called me the devil and today he said i had an attitude problem. I’m tired of nagging. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of feeling so terrible because how quickly i get irritable with DS. I’ve never felt like he has ever really understood my anxiety or depression other than the times i truly breakdown. He has his good moments but it’s like i keep making sacrifices while he tries to hold on to his old ways. Sorry for such an ungrateful rant on this day that’s suppose to honor fathers. I just can’t overlook a lot of the issues we’ve had recently.

SmashJam · June 2018

@wildtot I completely understand. It's hard to remember the good things he's able to do when he spends a lot of time doing things that rub you the wrong way. There's no shame in not feeling like honoring him today, we can't always love our spouses at the perfect times, right? I hope your day gets better, whether it involves him or not!

stillcozy · June 2018

@elizabethrn87 just remember a diagnosis is not forever. It is just a word to help encapsulate what is going on currently. Also diagnosising is not an exact science by any means particularly when you spend such a small amount of time before having to give one. It is never easy though. So many hugs to you.

@wildtot yup been there. There isn't anything wrong with feeling that way. Also please never feel like you need to hold back. We all need a safe space.

zombiehoohaa · June 2018

Jumping in to just say I am feeling anxious. So anxious that no amount of meditation, walking, writing, talking it out, or any typically helpful thing that normally works, is working. I am on edge. The closer I get to baby coming, the more anxious I am feeling. I'm to the point that I don't even know how to interact with people on a normal level. All I can think about is "me, me, me, me...". I feel overall shitty for this. I'm very snappy as well. I am my own tw, bf, wtf, and all. I'm ready to be done with this pregnancy and get back to some sort of new normal and be back on all my meds...

noideawhatshesdoing · June 2018

@zombiehoohaa Hang in there! getting to the finish line! Hugs lady, you've been through a lot lately!

wildtot · June 2018

@zombiehoohaa *hugs* right there with ya on the anxiety. H just can’t understand where this anxiety is coming from.

zombiehoohaa · June 2018

Thanks ladies...just seriously over this feeling.

h definitely doesnt help the situation. He told me this morning that he has been thinking of not going on leave when our baby is born because he is worried about money. I understand, I'm worried about money as well. However, I'm also worried about being a ftm and not having my partner be there to help. At the same time, he probably won't help me anyways. I told him to do whatever the fuck he wants. That didnt sit well with him. Just over it all.

Hugs ladies...we're almost done being pregnant. Yet a new chapter will soon begin.

babybump1994 · June 2018

@zombiehoohaa So sorry H is making your anxiety worse!

wildtot · June 2018

@zombiehoohaa please make sure you get the help you feel you need even if it’s not your H or even if he says it’s not necessary. I struggled so much with H acting like his unpaid leave was a vacation and his pride wouldn’t let him understand that i needed more help. My ppd got worse and i started to resent him (still kinda do). You do what you need to do for yourself and baby. He will be the one missing out on the early stages with baby. Hang in there, you can get through this!

gingerbride26 · June 2018

@zombiehoohaa I completely feel you. I have officially hit the "i hate everyone and everything and I'm so done being pregnant" stage - I try to stay positive but I'm all out of sunshine right now. I'm barely sleeping, my pain level barely gets below a 6 most days and tylenol does nothing, my entire house is under construction and nothing is ready for this kid to show up, and work and family are being dipshits - so basically all my triggers are coming out to play. Even as a STM this feeling happens - our bodies are doing so much and we need to cut ourselves a break. My H did something similar with our first and leave - he kept seeing parental leave as this vacation to do house projects and kept making all these plans (none of which happened and he stepped up and made sandwiches for lunch every day while I BF). This time he's talking about delaying it until after hospital discharge stating "other women do it - my coworkers come back the day after their wife delivers all the time" - they just don't get it. Sometimes they see us as super woman and don't remember we're human and need help! Also +1 to what @wildtot says - I wish I'd talked to someone earlier after DD was born. I ended up going full super woman and completely burning myself out with a heavy dose of anxiety and self-doubt mixed in - I still remember having this massive panic attack over using a measuring tape while installing closet shelves with DH and having a huge breakdown yelling at him I was useless and horrible and he should just take the baby and go because they'd be better off without me. I'm not going to lie it's really hard when they're mushballs and you are running yourself ragged to keep them alive, but I PROMISE, that first time your kid says "i love you, mama" or even clings to you for comfort while crying it's such an amazing feeling all the anxiety and pain to get there melts.

rkk0002 · June 2018

@gingerbride26 This sums up how I felt after DD was born exactly! Looking back it was probably PPD/PPA, but thank you for openly talking about what you went through, I so wish I had heard that as a FTM, and even need to be reminded of it as a STM. We can't be super woman and do everything all the time, but especially while recovering from giving birth plus the sleep deprivation from a newborn. All that stress is probably what led to my pp infection, so please remember your mental health is just as important as the physical healing for us moms!

wildtot · June 2018

@gingerbride26 H says similar stuff in reference to what others do. Great for them but there is no one plan fits all. With DS H kept telling me that i needed to learn to do things on my own for when he returned to work. On the first day of his return I had the worst day and breakdown. He got home to me handing baby over saying i didn’t want DS. I was so stressed out and overwhelmed from overdoing it before he returned from work without his help. I learned to speak up and ask for help, don’t wait for H to step up.

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