Gender Disappointment After Loss

rg0119 · June 2018

Hello - I lost a baby girl at 20 weeks pregnant 6 months ago. The pregnancy was very normal and healthy until it wasn’t which was shocking and devastating. I am very grateful to be pregnant again and recently found out it is a boy. I am much more disappointed and sad than I thought I would be and feel like it’s reopened the grief process all over again. We just thought our family was starting with a little girl and while we can’t replace the baby we lost with another girl it’s like giving up that future you imagined all over again. There are a lot of different layers as to why I was wanting a baby girl but long story short I could just use some encouragement. I want to feel happy and excited about what a boy will bring not sad about what I’ll miss out on with not having a girl. I almost feel like I want to avoid telling friends or family that I’m having a boy because comments/opinions on gender just upset me and feel like I’m dismissing the baby I lost and desperately wanted.

What do you love about being a boy mom? How did you cope with gender disappointment? Obviously after everything I have been through bringing home a healthy baby is all that matters and I know that but could still use some support and encouraging advice. Thank you!

angiesbump · June 2018

First, im sorry for your loss.. gender disappointment in general is very common and perfectly normal..
With my first I SO wanted a boy and everyone was telling they thought it was a boy too.. I cried in the ultrasound room when I found I was having a girl. I was moody about it for a good few weeks there. It made me feel better looking at girls clothes (and avoiding the adorable beanies and little boy clothes) I slowly came around and of course once I had her everything was pure bliss.. I think it sucks at first and probably even more so with your previous loss but eventually you come around and it settles in and you’ll start bonding with this baby for who he is. *hugs* hopefully some of the other PGAL women in here can have some even better words of wisdom.

galactickates · June 2018

I always thought/ assumed I was going to have a boy, but Everyone told me they thought I was having a girl, so I started getting really comfortable about the idea of having girl. I pinned beautiful floral nurseries, day dreamed about tutus and dolls. I had a name for her. We found out we are having a boy and I will admit I was sad. I would have felt sadness no matter what probably. I just really wanted both!!! I think it's ok to be sad. I might be in the minority, but there is nothing wrong with day dreaming. Although I am SUPER excited we're having a boy at the same time. I'm happy my husband can pass his last name on, he's an only child. I'm happy I don't have to teach about tampons! I can still do crafts with him and teach him how to cook. We love football and can't wait to share Seahawks season with him! He can be anything he wants in this world but a 49ner fan

! I really believe there are great things about having either a boy or a girl. I hope anything I said helped.

LCRbelle · June 2018

I am so sorry for your loss!
I understand it is so hard when you have one idea in your head and it turns out to be something else. I was slightly disappointed with my last pregnancy when I found out it was a boy but he is seriously the best thing ever! When your baby is born and in your arms you will be so happy and will forget all about your disappointment. Little boys are awesome

sparkymcgeee · June 2018

When I got pregnant with my daughter I had just lost a baby and I was sure it was a baby girl. I was the opposite of you in that I didn’t want it to be another girl. I wanted to have a boy so I didn’t feel like I was replacing my girl. I honestly have no idea what sex the baby I lost was as I was only 6 weeks but when I found out our daughter was a girl I was shocked and excited. While it was another girl I didn’t feel like I was replacing her. Both of those babies were individuals. They would have had different personalities. They would have had different likes and dislikes no matter the sex.
I now have a boy and a girl and as much as they are different I truly deeply believe it has nothing to do with their genitalia. They are just different people.
I would suggest looking at it like that. You are going to raise a person. Not a gender. You are going to love your child because of who he his. Not what he isn’t. He is going to love his mommy. He will melt your heart and make you ache when you’re not around him. You will be his first love and he will come to you when he’s hurt, scared, or broken and your heart will feel what his is feeling because he is your heart. Being a boy mom is amazing but I would say that about being a mom in general. The equipment truly doesn’t matter.
I hope you find peace with this amazing gift.

kns1988 · June 2018

I am so sorry for your devastating loss. I'm the mom of a little boy, and he is my world. He loves to snuggle with me, he gives me kisses, he has the prettiest giggle and dimples, and he's so adventurous. You will love your baby boy like you can't even imagine.

kmvisioli · June 2018

I 100% relate to needing to grieve the loss of how you imagined your family. My last pregnancy was twins, and it was so hard to see my friends going from 1 to 2 kids and comparing our family's transition, knowing we would just be outnumbered and a "big" family so quickly. I really struggled feeling like it was totally not my plan, not in my control, and not how I imagined my family growing. It is okay to go through some grief there, especially as this is reopening some of your past grief! When you hold that baby boy in your arms, I truly believe your fears and anxieties will disappear as you just get to know this little guy who is joining your family.

And for boy mom encouragement: I have three boys and they are so fun! They are hilarious and sweet and smart and adorable. Of course they want to be like their daddy, but they are so tender and precious with their mommy

It's a special calling to be a boy mom, and you will totally rock it.

galactickates · June 2018

Since I'm a FTM having a boy I'm really enjoying hearing how awesome it's going to be! Great perk of this thread.

sweetyjenj · June 2018

I'm so sorry for your loss! I can only imagine what you're feeling right now. All your emotions right now are valid, and I'm glad you're sharing them. Have grace with yourself and don't feel guilty.

I remember my last pregnancy I (and everyone else) was SURE I was having a boy. which is ridiculous, of course, because no one knows until you've done testing/anatomy scan/birth, but before 12 weeks I was thinking of boy names, picturing life with a boy, etc. Then at my NT scan the ultrasound tech said she would let us know if she gets a solid image of the "nub" and would tell us her guess. She pointed to the screen & said, "See that nub right there?" and my husband and I were SO excited thinking it was a boy. then immediately after the tech said, "Actually, I'm 90% positive it's a girl. At this point, all babies have nubs, and it's about the angle. This baby is a girl." And I felt bad that my reaction wasn't so excited. I couldn't even picture life with a girl. It took a while, but it eventually grew on us, we picked her name, and decorated her room. Now that she's almost 17 months, I can't even imagine having had a boy first, and I wouldn't even want to change it if given the chance. My husband has said the same, that he is glad we got her and now can't even imagine having had a boy.

You might feel disappointed right now, but it's still so new. Give yourself time to process, time to grieve the loss of what you hoped could have been, and you'll come to love the little boy growing inside

jgil85 · June 2018

First, I am so sorry for your loss. Gender disappointment is totally normal and I would imagine even more so after a loss.

I have a 14 month old boy and I was so happy to be having a little boy when I was pregnant with him. This time around, I really wanted a girl and was convinced I was having a girl. I did the sneak peek test and I'm having a boy. I've had a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I will never raise a daughter as we are done at 2 kiddos. I've been slowly trying to think of boy names and look at boy nursery ideas. I wont lie, it's been hard to come to terms with another boy. But just remember to be kind to yourself and be patient.

For what it's worth, I love my ds so much and he brings so much light into my world. I watch him with his girl cousins and hes so sweet and tender with them, and hes also rough and tough with his boy cousins. I feel like hes the best of both worlds.

julesf817 · June 2018

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s ok to feel how ever you feel.

I will say I always imagined having a girl and now I have a 4 year old little boy. He makes up songs where the only words are “I love mommy so much”. He bring me dandelions from the playground. And when he grows up he’ll still be my baby boy forever. and hopefully I’ll get to dance with him at his wedding someday, and so yeah, boys are pretty great.

also they can easily pee outside behind trees when you are at playgrounds with no bathrooms.

rooonilwaazlib · June 2018

@rg0119 I am so sorry for your loss, but so excited for you that you are here and pregnant with a beautiful baby! I can't relate to the experience of a pregnancy loss, but I can absolutely relate to the instant disappointment and apprehension of having a boy. My wife and I FTMs and we found out using the SneakPeek test that I'm carrying a boy. My first thought was...really?? I had been imagining a girl, had a girl's name that I loved, and was so excited to have a little girly girl to spoil! I think I've been intimidated by the idea of having a boy because what the heck do two women know about raising a boy? I mean penises, erections, and all the stuff that will happen down the line with it...WTF am I supposed to say to the kid about all that?!! Also, my MIL claims to have a sixth sense about things and was convinced from when we told them we were preggo that I was carrying a boy. So I'm a bit annoyed that she'll be right!

So I felt sad when we found out it was a boy, and spent a few hours wallowing in my sadness. I finally voiced my concerns to my wife and she said she felt the exact same way...scared of what it would be like to raise a boy, thinking we'd have an easier time raising a girl. But helped me see that we'd be on a steep learning curve no matter what we have. That a new baby is an adventure enough without bringing sex into it, and that we'd figure it out...and ask the men in our kiddo's life for help with certain conversations. I'm now really excited to have a boy! We have a name we love and I can't wait to hold my little man in my arms! I look forward to raising a man who respects women, is a feminist, and is a kind and loving person. WE will do that and WE will shape him into a man to be proud of.

@galactickates I totally agree this thread is making me even more excited for the little dude!

And @sparkymcgeee damn gurl you made me cry with your beautiful words

Edited - gawd-awful spelling mistakes

DLpanda08 · June 2018

I am so sorry for your loss. That absolutely sounds devastating. However, I am so happy for you that you are pregnant again!

I think just by the posts on this thread it’s clear that being a little disappointed in the sex at this point is relatively normal. And you certainly shouldn’t feel bad for how you feel. Take time to grieve, and then find little things to get excited about for your sweet baby boy.

Right now I’m a bit nervous about finding out the sex of my little one. I’m just starting the teen years with DD and I’m already terrified at the idea of having to do this all over again with another girl. Meanwhile, DS is still just my sweet, rough playing, slime loving kiddo.

mandababy0326 · June 2018

I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to share that I had my daughter first and then my son. It took me some time to get used to the idea of having a boy, I just saw myself as a girl Mom. As soon as he came though, I was instantly smitten with him- it seemed like I bonded with him much quicker than my daughter. There is something about a little boy that just melts your heart. He is so cuddly and sweet. I obviously love both of my children and in different ways, but there is something very special with a mommy son bond for sure. I promise it will all work out!

bradleysmommy28 · July 2018

My son is 5 and was a twin. I lost his twin at 9.5wks but never knew the gender because we were on vaca when it happened and didnt want the risk of any testing since I was still carrying. Im about 95% sure that baby was a girl and I have a major yearning for a baby girl. We are having boy #2 and were both very disappointed BUT we had to move past it quick so our son didnt pick up on our feelings. I have to admit, as the weeks are passing, being a boy only mom is growing on me (this will be our last child). My boy has the sweetest heart mixed with the crazy dirty boy things. I dont have to look for a bathroom everywhere we go because he goes outside, I dont have to fight over brushing/washing his hair, he's sassy but I won't have PMS hormones to deal with (mine is enough!), no $500 prom dresses or insanely expensive weddings... I could go on and on! Long story short, I'm perfectly content being the only girl in our brood (even our dog is a boy) and my boys always spoil me!

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