Infertility

Failed fertility treatment for best friend- how can I help her?

mzl1mzl1 member
edited May 2018 in Infertility
Long story short, My best friend and her DH were just told by RE they’ll absolutely never be able to have kids on their own. She told me that she’s not ready to talk just yet but will call me when she’s ready, so of course I totally respected that and backed off. When she is ready to talk, how can I best be of comfort or help to her? My DH and I have been TTC for less than a year and just underwent an IUI (I’ve had cervical biopsy before and very little EWCM, so the thought is it can boost our chances)....  but I don’t know if continuing to share details about our journey is really helpful bc its only been months and certainly no one has told us a hard “this will never happen.” But I feel so sad about the pain she’s going through and so helpless. All I want is to help and comfort her but I have no idea how.

Re: Failed fertility treatment for best friend- how can I help her?

  • @mzl1 Honestly, some times the best thing you can do is just be there for her. Listen to her struggles and just be a good friend. If it were me, I wouldn't want help or suggestions at the time. Even if they are out of the goodness of your heart, she may not be at a place where she can handle anything else or any advice at the moment. So try reaching out just to say hi...eventually, I'm sure she'll open up as time goes by and the dust has settled a little bit. For now...I'd probably stick to chatting on here with your treatments, unless you have other friends that have gone thru it all as well. Your girlfriend, more than likely won't be open to chatting about them at this time and it may sting a little more knowing you still have a chance and she was told otherwise. Even though your situation has nothing to do with hers...I'm sure it would be a painful reminder. I can't even imagine how much her heart hurts right now. 
    TTC #1 since April 2015
    June 2016 - CP
    2017 - Medicated Cycles & IUI's
    IVF w/ PGS  - January 2018
    FET #1 - April 2018 - BFN
    ERA Cycle May / June 2018
    ERA Biopsy June 2018 ~ Results: receptive (no change)
    FET #2 - July 2018 - BFP <3 Beta #1 - 137 Beta #2 - 410
    U/S #1 7wk1d - HB 144 U/S #2 9w1d HB 166
    Anatomy Scan 1st 11/2/18 2nd AS 11/19
    EDD March 28, 2019
    Baby Girl born 3/26/19  <3



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  • roisisroisis member
    Hi @mzl1 , first of all it is very kind of you to be searching for how to best help her - you are already a very good friend xx
    I completely agree with @northbeach3 and @kristimh80 that it is best to avoid suggesting next steps for the time being. It is in our nature to try to fix problems for people we love and it can be very hard not to make such suggestions but listening is more important right now. If possible I would avoid any sentence that begins with 'At least....' I heard that from a few friends after a loss and it really hurt (even though they were trying to help). Pointing out how things could be worse just trivialises her current pain. And everyone is aware of options such as adoption and surrogacy so if she is considering these, let her bring them up.
    I'm sorry you're also dealing with your own IF struggle at the moment - that's tough on you too. Depending on how long has passed, you may want to talk to her about it. I'd agree that if you do, be very open that if she is uncomfortable with it, you wont bring it up. She may find it comforting to offer you advice or she may find it extremely painful - I think the only way to be sure is to ask and then respect her emotions.
    For the moment she has said she doesn't want to talk about it so I would completely avoid the topic - but don't avoid her. Maybe do some completely unrelated activity like go to a show or the cinema or just something fun and different like a dance class. I've read that 'doing' activities are better at such times - they immediately give you something else to talk about.
    GL with your friend and best of luck in your own journey <3
    **History in Spoiler**
    Me 39, DH 40
    Married Oct 2010, TTC ~7yrs
    Seeing RE since Spring 2013
    Clomid - no response
    Letrozole (6 months) 2015 
    Laperoscopy/Hysteroscopy in 2015
    Puregon injectibles + trigger x5 in 2016 - all BFN
    Started IVF March 2017 - 25 follies, 9 eggs, 3 fertilised, 1 survived-> frozen due to hyper stimulation of ovaries
    FET May 16th 2017, BFP May 27th 2017, m/c @ 9wks
    IVF #2 February 2018 - 16 eggs, 8 fertilised, 3 frozen embabies
    Awaiting FET April 2018 - cancelled (cyst)
    FET May 2018, BFP June 2nd 2018, m/c @ 8wks
    FET October 2018 - BFN
    Final FET - late November 2018


  • mzl1mzl1 member
    Thank you all so much
  • AlyeenaAlyeena member
    It's really thoughtful of you to want to be there for your friend, and it's really nice that you are respecting her wishes for some distance. To answer your question, I would not share details of your journey unless she asks (at least for now, since all this is so fresh to her and it takes time to process something like that.)

    If you conceive (and I really hope you do btw :smile: ), I would tell her by text message or email, so she has time to process her emotions and can react in private before talking to you. In person is the worst way to tell and a phone call is not much better. She will be happy for you but also sad for her so it's nice to be able to cry in private. Maybe she won't want any details and I know it's not very fair but try not to complain about pregnancy in front of her.

    Other ways you can support her is just to listen and offer a shoulder to cry on. Even just saying "I'm so sorry" goes a long way.
    If she brings up adoption/fostering/sperm or egg donor herself you can support her through that and offer suggestions, but I would not bring it up. She knows about those things, and it hurts when people suggest it even if they have the best of intentions.
    35 years old, TTC #1 Dec 28, 2011
    PCOS, Hypothyroidism.
    First IVF cycle June 5th 2015 --- BFP
    Miscarriage at 8 weeks
    FET December 15th 2015--- BFP!
    First saw  at 6w4d
    It's a boy!

    Luciano Alessandro Maximiliano was born on September 3rd 2016

       



  • Hi, you are such a sweet and supportive friend. Just to listen when she is ready to catch up will most likely mean so much. I wouldn't offer suggestions or other options unless she asks. I agree with the other posters, especially where if you are to conceive, maybe share with her in a text or email so she has time to process. If it's been a while since you've talked or seen her, I would probably just text checking in and ask if she wanted to so something, some sort of activity. Best wishes to your friend and to you in your journey.
  • That's unique. We roughly get to hear such stories where a friend gets to think so much about her friend, That's really thoughtful of you. You did it right by giving her the space she wants. You should never forcefully stay in the personal space. Let her get over the emotions. And there is nothing wrong in suggesting something. As you are just making a suggestion for her good. To do or to not is her decision. You should do your part. And leave the rest to her. Good luck.
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