Failed fertility treatment for best friend- how can I help her?

mzl1

Long story short, My best friend and her DH were just told by RE they’ll absolutely never be able to have kids on their own. She told me that she’s not ready to talk just yet but will call me when she’s ready, so of course I totally respected that and backed off. When she is ready to talk, how can I best be of comfort or help to her? My DH and I have been TTC for less than a year and just underwent an IUI (I’ve had cervical biopsy before and very little EWCM, so the thought is it can boost our chances)....  but I don’t know if continuing to share details about our journey is really helpful bc its only been months and certainly no one has told us a hard “this will never happen.” But I feel so sad about the pain she’s going through and so helpless. All I want is to help and comfort her but I have no idea how.

northbeach3

hi @mzl1 wow, i can only imagine how difficult that is for your friend. i think it's thoughtful of you to want to ask how best to support her. 

generally, i think all friends want to be supportive and the first thing they want to do is to find the silver lining or try to think of possible fixes. this includes bringing up adoption or surrogacy. while these are next possible steps, they are really big next steps and also have major financial commitments.  depending on what treatment she's already undergone, she and her husband may have already made significant financial investments.  i think it could be okay to ask if she seems willing to talk more, but never assume that those will be her next steps or say she can always do that next.  i think it is good to have an explicit conversation about your own journey and whether she wants updates... she may not know at the time so better to tread carefully. if you express understanding her saying she doesnt want to know, do what you can to convey that you're still her friend and also do your best to be okay about it.

another poster received this pamphlet from her clinic to give to friends and family... i think it's super helpful!

do you know if she's already undergone several cycles of IVF? did you know what her diagnosis was? might be able to better counsel what stage she's at.

best of luck!

kristimh80

@mzl1 Honestly, some times the best thing you can do is just be there for her. Listen to her struggles and just be a good friend. If it were me, I wouldn't want help or suggestions at the time. Even if they are out of the goodness of your heart, she may not be at a place where she can handle anything else or any advice at the moment. So try reaching out just to say hi...eventually, I'm sure she'll open up as time goes by and the dust has settled a little bit. For now...I'd probably stick to chatting on here with your treatments, unless you have other friends that have gone thru it all as well. Your girlfriend, more than likely won't be open to chatting about them at this time and it may sting a little more knowing you still have a chance and she was told otherwise. Even though your situation has nothing to do with hers...I'm sure it would be a painful reminder. I can't even imagine how much her heart hurts right now. 

roisis

Hi @mzl1 , first of all it is very kind of you to be searching for how to best help her - you are already a very good friend xx
I completely agree with @northbeach3 and @kristimh80 that it is best to avoid suggesting next steps for the time being. It is in our nature to try to fix problems for people we love and it can be very hard not to make such suggestions but listening is more important right now. If possible I would avoid any sentence that begins with 'At least....' I heard that from a few friends after a loss and it really hurt (even though they were trying to help). Pointing out how things could be worse just trivialises her current pain. And everyone is aware of options such as adoption and surrogacy so if she is considering these, let her bring them up.
I'm sorry you're also dealing with your own IF struggle at the moment - that's tough on you too. Depending on how long has passed, you may want to talk to her about it. I'd agree that if you do, be very open that if she is uncomfortable with it, you wont bring it up. She may find it comforting to offer you advice or she may find it extremely painful - I think the only way to be sure is to ask and then respect her emotions.
For the moment she has said she doesn't want to talk about it so I would completely avoid the topic - but don't avoid her. Maybe do some completely unrelated activity like go to a show or the cinema or just something fun and different like a dance class. I've read that 'doing' activities are better at such times - they immediately give you something else to talk about.
GL with your friend and best of luck in your own journey

mzl1

Thank you all so much

Alyeena

It's really thoughtful of you to want to be there for your friend, and it's really nice that you are respecting her wishes for some distance. To answer your question, I would not share details of your journey unless she asks (at least for now, since all this is so fresh to her and it takes time to process something like that.)

If you conceive (and I really hope you do btw ), I would tell her by text message or email, so she has time to process her emotions and can react in private before talking to you. In person is the worst way to tell and a phone call is not much better. She will be happy for you but also sad for her so it's nice to be able to cry in private. Maybe she won't want any details and I know it's not very fair but try not to complain about pregnancy in front of her.

Other ways you can support her is just to listen and offer a shoulder to cry on. Even just saying "I'm so sorry" goes a long way.
If she brings up adoption/fostering/sperm or egg donor herself you can support her through that and offer suggestions, but I would not bring it up. She knows about those things, and it hurts when people suggest it even if they have the best of intentions.

chinaandback

Hi, you are such a sweet and supportive friend. Just to listen when she is ready to catch up will most likely mean so much. I wouldn't offer suggestions or other options unless she asks. I agree with the other posters, especially where if you are to conceive, maybe share with her in a text or email so she has time to process. If it's been a while since you've talked or seen her, I would probably just text checking in and ask if she wanted to so something, some sort of activity. Best wishes to your friend and to you in your journey.

carajhon

That's unique. We roughly get to hear such stories where a friend gets to think so much about her friend, That's really thoughtful of you. You did it right by giving her the space she wants. You should never forcefully stay in the personal space. Let her get over the emotions. And there is nothing wrong in suggesting something. As you are just making a suggestion for her good. To do or to not is her decision. You should do your part. And leave the rest to her. Good luck.