Grief Support w/o 4/17

suzycupcake · April 2018

**This is a general trigger warning that death, disease, bodily functions, and / or loss from miscarriage and suicide may be mentioned in here.**

This is a thread to provide a safe space of thoughtful conversation and support for those who have lost family, babies, friends, significant others, etc. No trigger warnings/spoilers need to be added in here unless you really feel it's necessary.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), who you lost, when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions / circumstances surrounding the loss, etc.

Status (what stage of grief do you feel like you're in this week?):

What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week?

Questions?

GTKY: Three part. (a) What are the most difficult times for you? (b) Do you have any rituals that you do to commemorate? (c) What steps have you taken since these threads started to build a support system?

Repeat Disclaimer: Ladies, I know how hard it is to post in this thread and think there is an understanding when posts/responses don't flurry in like they do in other bump threads. It's okay. We are all doing the best we can and it's amazing that we are even sharing this stuff with each other in the first place.

josie12367 · April 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), who you lost, when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions / circumstances surrounding the loss, etc.

I lost my grandmother in January. She died of pneumonia that turned into ARDS and then septic. She was fine on New Year's Eve and really sick by the 3rd. She passed just a few days later. It was very sudden. I was able to catch a plane back to the states in time to say goodbye thankfully...

Status (what stage of grief do you feel like you're in this week?): I think I'm in.... limbo? I haven't really accepted that she's gone but I'm not in denial or angry about it. I'm just devastated... so whatever stage that is.

What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week?

I'm really struggling because she's was my rock when it came to my family. I left home at 17 for the military and she was my constant source of connection to my family. She always knew everything and always answered my calls, texts, emails, or letters where as communication with other members of my family was few and far between. She would send cards for every holiday including St Patrick's Day, Valentine's or Thanksgiving my entire childhood and young adult life. After I had children, she continued this tradition but for them. She would also send little care packages to the girls. She just had this way of always letting you know she was there for you. She seriously was there for every single big moment of my life. Since she's passed... it's radio silence. I never really noticed how little my parents or siblings contacted me until now. It's just a painful reminder that she is gone. I'm so lonely. I have so much to tell someone...but no one to tell it to.... and honestly, it's her that I most want to tell. I cuddled with a cardigan last night that I nabbed from her closet after she passed. It was relief to smell her perfume again, but soul crushing at the same time. She was just an amazing person and woman...My heart just aches for her.

Questions? No...

GTKY: Three part. (a) What are the most difficult times for you? (b) Do you have any rituals that you do to commemorate? (c) What steps have you taken since these threads started to build a support system?

a.) Holidays... my grandma added that magic to the holidays both when I was a child and then again for my children. The holidays so far this year were so hard to get through... her magic just wasn't there. I think I've sobbed on each one for her.
b.) I take out her cardigan occasionally... but i haven't really come up with anything yet. I'm trying to take over the card tradition for each holiday for the kids in the families, but my heart hasn't been in it yet. It's a goal though...I think it's important as a kid to feel remembered and know that someone out there loves and cares about you
c.) I've increased my contact with family members, but I haven't seen a huge response back. Most of my messages are ignored...My husband is it for me at this point. He's amazing but honestly I do need more. Being isolated in England makes building a network tough. His family and how they handle things is just so different...I guess it's better than mine though. We just simply shut down apparently

oaklandava · April 2018

@josie12367
I totally understand how you feel. My dad's and mom's families handled thing so differently. Now that they're gone, my husband's family handles things so different and it's difficult to find that normalcy. Hang in there!

suzycupcake · April 2018

@josie12367 I'm sorry that you feel so isolated. That's so rough. I hope that you find a good support system very soon. Great husbands are great, but you are right, we do need more. Hugs

Your granny sounds like the kind of woman if you looked up the definition of the word 'classy', her name and picture would be there.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), who you lost, when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions / circumstances surrounding the loss, etc.

My dad from cancer, my best friend from a heroin od, and my mc.

Status (what stage of grief do you feel like you're in this week?): I don't know. Like you Josie, I feel like I'm in limbo.

What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week?

Today is my dad's birthday. I was going to call my mom and sing happy birthday with her to him but that didn't happen. I was too emotional after my accident attorney called to tell me that the insurance company was offering peanuts and for only my back and neck injury because they found a picture on my facebook of me smiling with 'friends' as well as saw my post about my infertility struggle; so I cannot possibly have a head injury. Well, the truth is someone hit me so hard in the rear by not paying attention that my car costed almost $10K to fix, I blacked out and got a concussion. I felt the impact and saw a bright flash of light. I had a fast thought that I was gonna die and then I was woken up by someone knocking on my window as the car was moving beneath my foot. My head was completely bent over and it hurt so severely. She claimed a felony hit and run saying that someone hit her from behind. There was no damage to her car and I have a witness (a bystander) on the police report saying nobody hit her from behind. I have a tear in one of the discs in my back, got whiplash, and my seatbelt completely discharged. I was pinned to my seat and felt trapped. I was so confused and didn't know why I felt trapped.

My life has been completely altered by her irresponsibility. I'm not a cripple but now I live in pain every day on top of the pain I experience from having MS. What the insurance company doesn't know is that I wasn't diagnosed with infertility until 7 months after the car accident and that photo of me smiling with 'friends'--that was of me standing next to my dying father and my sister. I was so hurt earlier by this, that someone would use my inability to be pregnant and a photo of me smiling with my dying father, that I cried my eyes out. It literally felt like I had experienced loss all over again. Today is his birthday and I'll never be able to call him and sing to him again. Now I have to go to court and sue. I've never experienced anything like that so I'm freaking out about it but I refuse to allow it to take up a home in my head.

What is going well for me is that we are going to the lake for a few days to get away. It will be nice to relax and try to not think about anything sad.

Questions? How do you guys grieve? My mom keeps telling me that I need to grieve but I don't know how to.

GTKY: Three part. (a) What are the most difficult times for you? (b) Do you have any rituals that you do to commemorate? (c) What steps have you taken since these threads started to build a support system?

(a) It seems like every day right now. The only days that aren't difficult are the days that I forget.
(b) Not yet.
(c) I haven't at all. I really want to but then I just don't. I just isolate. When I took my mom to have lunch with a friend a couple of weeks ago, I guess my friend told her she is surprised I haven't come to her to talk about it since I know that she also lost her mom to cancer. That shocked me because I didn't realize that I wasn't. It hasn't even been a thought process for me

I really just don't know how to.

suzycupcake · April 2018

Update: After this post, I decided to reach out to a friend who lost her dad not that long ago. We texted for awhile and then I started to cry, like really cry. I didn't hold back. It felt good and now I feel a little better.

I guess I feel bad trying to get support from someone else who is grieving too...it feels like I'm ..idk how to explain it. Taking something away from their process. That's probably silly...

josie12367 · April 2018

@suzycupcake Oh I am so sorry that you're having to deal with the aftermath of the car accident on your father's birthday. I hope you get what you deserve from court. I think it's silly for them to use social media posts against you... especially considering you're just smiling. I'd understand if you were off skiing or something... but not for smiling. Grief is so tricky... it sneaks up on you and hits when ever it pleases. Just know there's not a timeline for any of it. Your grieving of your father, friend, and loss cannot just happen because it's expected, just like it can't end because it's expected. Your heart will find a way to deal. Just take your time. It's great that you found a person going through the same thing. You're not using her so don't feel bad... you're sharing your experiences and allowing each other to open up. It's invaluable.. please keep talking to her. I'm sure it's helping her as well. Hugs to you

And yes, my grandmother was the strongest and classiest woman I've ever known.

oaklandava · April 2018

@suzycupcake I used to work for a PI attorney. Sadly, the defense will always try everything they can, including social media, to build a case as to why they don't owe you money. Try to relax, they will work on everything and you won't have to do very much. Let them handle it. They try to pull out details to make you look bad, and show nothing to make you look good. Your attorney I am sure is great at what he does. Trust the process.

Hugs to you!

Grief Support w/o 4/17

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