Grief Support

suzycupcake · March 2018

This is something I really need and thought maybe other ladies would need something like this too. This is a thread to provide a safe space of thoughtful conversation and support for those who have lost family, friends, significant others, etc. No trigger warnings need to be added in here unless you really feel it's necessary.

**This is a general trigger warning that death, disease, bodily functions, and / or loss from suicide may be mentioned in here.**

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), who you lost, when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions / circumstances surrounding the loss, etc.

Status (what stage of grief do you feel like you're in this week?):

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

GTKY: Two part question. (a) What sort of support system do you have? (b) What do you do to cope with grief?

oaklandava · March 2018

@suzycupcake

suzycupcake · March 2018

I will start.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), who you lost, when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions / circumstances surrounding the loss, etc.

I'll just mention the grief from loss that is currently unresolved. Last year, I lost my best friend last year on 4/15 so the year mark is almost here. She was only 32. It was a heroin od apparently, but the awful guy she was with (she told me a few times she was afraid of him), there is just too much that doesn't make sense. The last time we had spoken at the end of February, she wasn't with him anymore and she was doing well. She was not a heroin user. She liked to drink beer and jack, and smoke some herb from time to time. She has two little kids whom were her entire life and she adored. She would've never left them! He was with her when it happened. Apparently, he "found" her like that in the woods and "tried" to resuscitate her.

Two months and 15 days later, my daddy got diagnosed with stage IIIA lung cancer. It hadn't spread anywhere else and treatment started. I flew back and forth to the midwest for 6 months to act as poa and one of his caregivers. In September, it spread to the bones in his spine and to his liver. He passed on 12/6 at 3:15pm cst. I wish I could go back to that house where there will be memories. 120 days will be coming up soon.

Status (what stage of grief do you feel like you're in this week?):

I have no idea; maybe denial mixed with depression. I still cannot believe that either of them are gone. It feels too heavy to feel so I don't most of the time.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

I'm struggling with depression, but making sure I do a few things per day at least. I'm in my tww so that is a shining light in all of this darkness.

GTKY: Two part question. (a) What sort of support system do you have? (b) What do you do to cope with grief?

a. I have God to talk to, my Mom, my husband, some friends who get it that reach out to me to see how I'm doing, and social media to express myself. Occasionally I read an article b. I haven't figured out yet how to cope. I'm probably coping but Idk how to describe it.

coco2787 · March 2018

I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend and dad @suzycupcake.

coco2787 · March 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), who you lost, when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions / circumstances surrounding the loss, etc.

I’ve had a lot of loss in my life. My mom died when I was 7 as an indirect result of her alcoholism. My stepmom committed suicide when I was 16. My MMC was discovered on the same day as the anniversary of my stepmoms death. My BIL (sisters husband and father to my nephews) also committed suicide. All of their deaths happened in early December (different years), so all of the anniversaries are in the same week. Safe to say I’ve had a lot of really shitty Christmases. Since the first miscarriage I’ve had two more so it’s hard not to feel angry and bitter sometimes over everything that’s happened to me.

Status (what stage of grief do you feel like you're in this week?):

A lot of denial. I know the time is long past that I need to see a therapist.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
I’m doing okay this week. I’m enjoying my new internship, it’s been a good distraction. I’m working in mental health right now so it’s been healing in some ways to be helping others through their struggles.

GTKY: Two part question. (a) What sort of support system do you have? (b) What do you do to cope with grief?
I don’t like talking about things, but my husband is always good at listening if I do and I’m still close with friends from high school who were there for me through a lot of the hard times. I’m also close with my sister. I’m not great at coping with grief, I deal by not facing things. I usually withdraw for a while and then try and pretend that everything is fine.

holly321 · March 2018

@suzycupcake, thank you so much for starting this. I have a hard time processing and talking about my grief around people, and tend to let things build up. I am so sorry for the loss and your friend, and under those circumstances, and the questions, I know can't help. Then to lose a parent, that is an unimaginable pain.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), who you lost, when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions / circumstances surrounding the loss, etc.
My brother committed suicide on 12/22/16. He had depression for a while, money was always an issue, which didn't help. Then to add to it, our church (which religion has always been a big part of who we are, my brother was a preacher) viciously had attacked our family and certain people (family on top of it) we horrible and hateful when he tried to get help. At the time it seemed out of the blue, but there were so many signs in retrospect.

Status (what stage of grief do you feel like you're in this week?):. I think I just got to anger. I have always been understanding. From a non emotional stand point, I do not believe suicide is (usually) a choice. I think it is beyond the person's control, and I have used the phrase, end stage depression to describe what I think happens. I truly believe my brother snapped and that he was gone in his last day or two. (He had gone missing and said he was going to do it, but didn't for over 24 hours, police officers had actually found and spoken to him before he ran again.) Anyway, I lately feel anger with him that I haven't in the last 15 months. Mainly for his children and how he could leave them and had to see them struggling. Again, logically, I don't think MY brother would leave his children, but I can't help my anger.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
My nephew is being held back frkm kindergarten, so that has just made me hate to see my SIL struggling through those emotions alone. She moved close to her (useless) mother, so she is kind of far from us. I need to find ways to help her. But in good news, she and the kids are visiting for Easter and I am so excited to see them!

GTKY: Two part question. (a) What sort of support system do you have? (b) What do you do to cope with grief?
A.My parents aren't really much support, which is understandable, but being needed to be their support helps me be occupied. So pretty much just DH. He is great though. I really think I need a counselor, between my loss of my brother and the horror that was my molar miscarriage, I have some PTSD issues that need to be addressed professional at this point.
B. I have serious emotional issues, I don't like emotions so I don't have them.

suzycupcake · March 2018

@holly321 and @coco2787, this would be us around a fire right now. I'm so glad you decided to join me

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/l0IpWrzlZH1rl1OY8/giphy.gif

holly321 · March 2018

@coco2787, you must have been posting as I was typing. I am sorry for you losses. Suicide is such a horrible situation. I again, can not imagine losing a parent. I think we need to make a pact that we will both start seeing therapists.

coco2787 · March 2018

I should have included the TTCAL group in my support system category. I cant imagine going through this without those ladies

@holly321 that’s a good idea, I always do better when I’m being held accountable. I’m so sorry about your brother as well, suicide is truly one of the worst things to experience. So much guilt/sadness/anger/confusion associated with it. I can’t imagine losing a sibling or seeing my parents go through that pain.

oaklandava · March 2018

@suzycupcake I think our messages make even more sense now. I'm so sorry that you've been dealing with that, I know how tough that is.
@coco2787 @holly321 I am sorry guys. That must be really hard for you. Suicide is definitely not an easy topic for anyone involved and it's a tough one to discuss too for our society. In general, I feel like as Americans we don't deal with grief well or we don't allow expression of grief as a society in general. I say that because so many people I know struggle with so many things, but the general consensus is keep it moving. It's really hard to do that.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), who you lost, when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions / circumstances surrounding the loss, etc. Well, at this point, I am the oldest living member of my family at 30 years old. My mom passed from stage 4 lung cancer on March 17, 2013. It was 9 months after my wedding in 2012. She fell on my wedding day and punctured a lung, when it didn't reinflate, they found it. 6 months later my dad passed away when I was 5 weeks pregnant with my son on October 21, 2013. He wasn't one to seek medical attention, so we don't really know what he was battling but I suspect lung cancer. My grandparents on my dad's side passed away in 2010 and my grandfather on mom's side in 2004. My grandmother on my mom's side passed away in 2016 when my son was 18 months old. My cousin died in a car accident on Thanksgiving day in 2010 right before she turned 20. We grew up together and were really close. Needless to say, lots of loss seems to find me. Luckily, DH doesn't have much in his family and still has some of his great grandparents so that's nice for DS.

Status (what stage of grief do you feel like you're in this week?): No idea, it varies. My mom's anniversary just passed so that's an angry, stressed, frustrated week.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? They won't get to see this baby.

GTKY: Two part question. (a) What sort of support system do you have? (b) What do you do to cope with grief? A. DH is amazing, so is his family. God. B. I coach cheer, I stay busy. I take meds. I need to see someone, but you know, time & money.

holly321 · March 2018

@oaklandava, I am sorry for you loss. That is too much for anyone is such a short amount of time. I can't imagine being so young, ye the oldest in your family. Do you otherwise have a lot of family?

coco2787 · March 2018

I’m so sorry @oaklandava I can’t even imagine how hard it is to have both your parents gone at such a young age.

oaklandava · March 2018

@holly321 No, my mom and dad's family are pretty much gone. I do have my husband's family though---and they are fabulous. Thank you

@coco2787 thanks

It's not easy, but you know, we're all here and dealt different hands. We just do the best we all can

suzycupcake · March 2018

@holly321 @oaklandava @coco2787

Do you ladies want this to be a daily thread or a weekly? I know we have many other dailies and weeklies going on. I don't know about you, but just this initial helped me to feel emotions today that I haven't felt in awhile so I want to thank you again for joining me. This is not easy for any of us

Maybe it can be a weekly thread with a list of questions and then throughout the week, we can share memories and support each other. What do you think?

I broke down crying on the phone with my mom a little while ago. It seems like every little thing reminds me of him, even when I'm eating a meal that I think he would've enjoyed.

Last night, I was fixing my dog's tshirt because it was wrinkled under her. It immediately reminded me of when I would fix every clothing and bedding wrinkle for my dad to make him more comfortable. It made me tear up. He'd get so mad at me but then would go on and on how it's so neat how something that simple can make a world of a difference.

This morning, I was thinking about when my dad could barely get out of bed to use the commode anymore. He sat up and didn't make it, went all over the side of the bed and on the floor. My dad was a very private man. At first, I didn't want to run in there because I feared him feeling embarrassed, but I did. I brought him a soapy water basin, a fresh wash cloth, a fresh pair of underwear and sweatpants. I left the room. He couldn't do anything about it. I remember that moment vividly, when I decided that his comfort and quality of life was more important than his private nature.

I marched in there, cleaned him up, changed his clothes, and changed the bed while he was in the bed. He was so damn mad at me and shouted the entire time. He was the most stubborn man I've ever known. I was very firm with him in tone, looked at him dead in the face and said, "Daddy, you're gonna listen to the enemy right now and get mad at me, but my daddy will lay in a soiled mess over my dead body!" I had never seen his mouth shut so quickly. When I was finished, he was so comfortable that it made him forget any upset that he experienced.

cseley321 · March 2018

In 2012, I lost my father to suicide. I know he was going through issues with his health, his trucking business was struggling as usual, and he was just generally sounding sad the last time I spoke to him. He was always laughing and smiling and joking with everyone his whole life, so I truly never saw it coming. He died before I started IVF treatments, so never met his granddaughter... sometimes I wonder if things would be different if he could have met her. The note he left did not explain anything, so honestly I still have no idea what he was really going through to drive him to do such a thing.

I would say that I am still sort of in denial. I really feel like I need therapy to confront it, but I just don't see the point. I have sort of become numb to it. Like, it makes me sad, but I just block it out and I feel okay again so long as I don't dwell on it, if that makes sense.

suzycupcake · March 2018

@cseley321 I'm glad you chose to join us and thank you for sharing. It makes perfect sense actually and I think others here can relate to that. I know that I can. It's gut wrenching. My mama said today that when I do have a baby, she will kiss him/her and say, "grandma and grandpa loves you so much" I could not stop crying and it made me realize again how I won't be able to buy that silver lure that says, "New fishing buddy coming soon" on it to give to him. So sorry

oaklandava · March 2018

@suzycupcake I am good with whatever you guys want.

I'm understand where you are coming from with the quality of life thing. My mom was the same. I think that's why I didn't know my dad was sick--he hid it so well so he could die privately. Truly I think he knew. In October of 2013, we had my mom's memorial cookout. Dad had put it off and we got into a fight because I told him that she wanted it to be a celebration. I would plan it, he just needed to come. Finally he begrudgingly agreed. We told him I was pregnant with my son, and he was excited, but not like I expected. I chalked it up to him being shocked, and moved on. Then when he died 3 weeks later, I realized he was excited but that he knew he wouldn't be here to see it. Now, with baby #2, it's just another reminder that they won't ever get to meet him. Dad would have LOVED my son so much, they're so much alike. I hear him talking to them though at times, and he recognizes them by picture even though we never explained who they were. So, I think they're around.

@cseley321 I'm so sorry. I understand the feeling like you need therapy, but then not sure if there's a point. Even as a psychology major, I see how it impacts my life, but I don't see how anybody else can help with it if that makes sense.

suzycupcake · March 2018

@oaklandava We had a celebration of life party too because my dad said he didn't want any of that "sad funeral shit". He was such a funny man. My sister and I planned the whole thing. The entire time, she and I hid out at the bar because people were coming up to us saying, "Aunt so and so is here. You haven't seen her in awhile so please visit with her." or sharing about their problems in life, or whatever. Everything but saying anything about our dad and that they felt sympathy for us. We set up a card basket that everyone was aware of was to be for my mom (THE WIDOW) but only one person gave her one. It was her landlord!

Anyway, I felt so bad we hung out at the bar doing shots the whole night (I'm not a huge drinker but have been since last July) but ffs, wtf is wrong with people?

You and I have already messaged about this, but I'm so sorry again for the loss of both of your parents. I cannot imagine. I've been a complete freak about my mom's health ever since. I hope she knows it's because I love her.

Awww, my heart. That's so beautiful that your lo talks to them

oaklandava · March 2018

@suzycupcake Hah, sounds like my mom and dad. I don't want that sappy shit. "You get you a keg and have a pig roast and you remember my damn life!" Our parents should have been friends lol! Drinking doesn't solve it, but it does numb it to a certain degree I feel like. Thanks love--I'm sure she does know

Moms are intuitive like that.

I love that he talks to them. It gets me some days

He has my mom's eyes. I hope this LO has my dad's eyes. It would be awesome to be able to see them in a way.

suzycupcake · March 2018

@oaklandava I bet they would've been great friends. Your parents sound like they were really down to earth and fun to be around.

This is a family photo of all of us from 1995. My mom is top left and my sister is top right

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/80/3hlk5vxkkzph.jpg

This is my mom and dad several years ago. This is my favorite of them. Their love for each other was so amazing to witness!

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/9g/0ymalb3muskx.jpg

This is a photo of my mom and dad at the Moonstock festival last August. The Do It For The Love foundation paid VIP for all of us to go see Ozzy bark at the moon during the total eclipse. We were in the path of totality and it was amazing.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/1m/ns0134mtu51e.jpg

This is all of us with Ozzy. I was having a pseudo flare that day of MS because the weather was so hot. Watching my dad, the one who had cancer, power through the day and enjoy himself inspired me to do the same. He was such an inspiring man to me! We didn't tell Ozzy he had cancer. In that moment, my dad got to shake his hand and be the man who didn't have cancer. At some point, I will share the interview questions and answers that my dad did with the foundation afterward. What he said was so beautiful! I shaved the cancer ribbon in the side of my head which my dad said was, "cool as shit" lol We all shaved a part of our heads in honor of him. I'm crying now.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/1c/afgzj5bkry0m.jpg

oaklandava · March 2018

@suzycupcake Same.

I love those pictures and your memories. Thank you for sharing. It's amazing how much memories can stir up in us.

jenrn1216 · March 2018

I am so sorry for all of your losses. It's so hard and changes us in many ways. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer 3 years ago. It's such an awful disease. I was his main caregiver and watched him decline so rapidly in just a few short months. Some days I still can't believe it. He was such a strong man, and to see him so weak and frail just broke me. The only thing I am grateful for is that nothing was left unsaid and I he left this world peacefully, while I held his hand. The hardest thing I struggle with is that he never had grandchildren and if I have children of my own, they will never know him. He would have been an awesome grandfather!

Life works in mysterious ways. 2 years after he passed I was offered an RN position in oncology. This job basically fell into my lap and I feel so lucky to be able to care for those who are on such an emotional journey. Pretty sure my dad had a lot to do with that!

I have an amazing husband who is my rock. He has been with me through everything. Losing myself in the care of others is ironically therapeutic for me, as well.

holly321 · March 2018

@suzycupcake, I think weekly is a good idea. Your story about you helping your dad is so touching and heartbreak.
@cseley321, I am sorry for the loss of your dad. My mom tried to commit suicide when DS was a baby, and while I never vocalized it, I remember being upset that he wasn't enough to help. I understand completely were you are coming from with being numb/sad and just pushing back the feelings, which I do, but I also see the bad reprecussions of it, like memory flashes and such.

After my brother's funeral, my aunt had a lunch for the family, it was at her restaurant/bar. She kept giving my dad drinks, it was such an odd emotional state, he was so drunk and we were all laughing and sharing stories, but when we got back home, I can still hearthe sound of my dad sobbing uncontrollably, my husband had to help him in the house.

suzycupcake · March 2018

@holly321 I'm so sorry to hear that about your mom. I'm sure that hasn't been easy at all on top of losing your brother. How horrible it was for your church community to do that to you guys. It just breaks my heart and I hope that you guys have found a new one since then. I'd understand if you haven't yet. That would certainly keep me away from church for a long while. Hugs.

@jenrn1216 Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry about what happened to your dad. I totally relate when you said, "He was such a strong man, and to see him so weak and frail just broke me. The only thing I am grateful for is that nothing was left unsaid and I he left this world peacefully".

And oh my heart!

One of the biggest blessings while my father was going through treatment and hospice care, were the nurses who could really empathize because they had been through it themselves. I cannot even begin to describe how comforting that was. Bless your heart!

Coco, I won't tag you because it's your birthday today. Hopefully you'll see this tomorrow instead. How are you doing? I was just thinking about you. I'm so sorry that you lost your mom at such an early and important stage of life. It's wrong to ever lose a mom, but I would think that is especially cruel. I can relate to the shitty Christmas part as well as when you said, "it’s hard not to feel angry and bitter sometimes over everything that’s happened to me." I'm so sorry for the losses of your babies

I wish you peace and comfort this week, and the words to tell yh that you need him. Hugs

cseley321 · March 2018

@holly321 Sorry about your mother. I can't imagine what she must have been going through, but I'm glad that she didn't go through with it. My dad never made any attempts or showed any kind of signs that he would do it, he just woke up one morning and did it. I just wish that at some point he would have snapped out of whatever he was going through and decided not to do it, but that just wasn't the case.

Regarding your Aunt, I can definitely relate.. people who are sort of on the outside have no idea what to do to help in situations like this and often times things just sort of backfire without them ever knowing.

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