Not Excited

emsand · March 2018

Maybe I should say that I'm not "giddy."

Today a good friend of mine took me shopping for maternity pants, which I really needed to get done. I'm not a shopping girl, I hate crowds, I hate being accosted by sales reps, and I have been putting this off for ages because of it. So I'm glad she made me effing do it.

As she instructed me to pull the spandex band up around my "bump" (hate the term), she takes a dreamy sigh and says, "Ohhh... You're gonna have a baby..." And, "turn to the side, look at your baby bump..."

At this point, I'm irritated. She'd been throwing nursing tops and all kinds of clothes at me to try on that I would never have picked on my own. Like I was a pregnant barbie doll for her to dress up and coo over. I said, "Yup, there's a baby in there. Yup, my belly is getting bigger and my clothes stopped fitting. Yup."

This is a planned pregnancy and I'm looking forward to raising my son. To guiding and shaping, learning about who he is and what his interests will be. But I'm really not enjoying being pregnant.

Literally everyone is more excited about my first baby than I am. I don't feel attached to the little baby boy all up in my business. It's kinda cool to feel him moving and whatnot, but I can't deal with the way being pregnant has somehow become my identity. As if I'm not Emma anymore. I'm Pregnant.

"How are you FEELING?! When are you due?! How exciting! Aww all the cute baby clothes! Aren't you just so happy? Do you feel the glow?"

No. I feel fat. Leaky. Greasy. Tired. Deprived of all my favorite vices. And worst of all, people are treating me differently. My friend wouldn't let me carry a 5 lb box of diapers into the house. My co-workers tell me that I shouldn't squat down to do inventory counts. "Are you sure you should be doing that?" YES. As if I am suddenly a delicate and helpless [bloated] damsel in distress. As if.

Don't even get me started on the gimmick that is "baby shopping." A 16-motion rocker with music and sound? Changing tables with built in lamp and diaper warmer? You must be joking. Give me a flat surface and a towel and I'll give you a diaper change.

Am I alone in this? Does anyone else feel like your only identity is your pregnancy? Does anyone else feel like this whole "miracle of life" thing is blown way out of giddy, fantasized, romanticized proportion?

Please tell me there are other sane, no-nonsense mothers-to-be out there...

acunamatada · March 2018

Hello and welcome! We’ve got lots of great no bs ladies here but let me get the housekeeping out of the way first. First and foremost, please take the time to introduce yourself in our introduction thread:
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12719214/introductions#latest
and probably more importantly, take a look at the **read this first** thread to get an idea of how we build the community and keep it organized: https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12719220/read-first-board-organization#latest
Dear diary posts like this aren’t usually well received. Typically rants are reserved for our “randoms” threads although this board is pretty slow on the weekends.
As far as your post.. People get excited for pregnant women, instinctually they want to protect them because well, babies. Its important to stick up for yourself when they are overstepping. It sounds like your friend is happy for you, if you don’t like all the attention (which I’m 100% with you on that) you need to make that clear so you’re not miserable for the rest of your pregnancy. Pregnancy isn’t fun for a lot of people for more reasons than I could count but you’ve got to take charge of what you can control because there is plenty that is out of our hands.
Hope to see you hop on some other community threads, welcome again

wildtot · March 2018

Welcome. I don’t recall see you around here before, if your new please introduce yourself in the ”intro” thread. Also please feel free to jump into other threads as this is a very supportive community.

First i want to say that as someone who struggled with fertility and losses, saying that the “miracle of life” is blown out of proportion is a bit offensive because yes to me it’s a miracle and i wanted to celebrate if every which way i wanted to.
In in regards to baby items, it sounds like your leaning towards more of a minimalist and that is totally fine! Just because the baby market has so many “convenient” stuff out there it doesn’t mean you have to get it. Some people like and others don’t. Yes it can be overwhelming but as long as you have a clear vision of what you want and need then you just got to learn to ignore it.
Regarding people’s comments unfortunately it come with the territory and i wish i could tell you how to make it stop. And trust me it won’t change with a baby, todddler, teenager. The comments and unsolicited advice will ALWAYS be there from family, friends, and strangers. The great thing about it is that you have the choice to ignore it and decide how you want to raise your child. You can’t control what others will say and what others will do so again you just have to learn to ignore it. This has been hard for me sometimes.
Regarding not feeling attached or excited, that’s ok too! I had a tough pregnancy with my first and had a few other issues before and after him that it’s hard for me to show excitement about anything. And i won’t tell you that you’ll immediately feel connected after birth because that’s not always true. It took me a few months to feel the connection. But that doesn’t mean you love him any less! That feeling and connection will come.

Ultimately just do you and ignore the rest. As long as you and your partner are on the same track that’s what matters.

I do want to say that if at any point you feel depressed or off, please consider talking to someone. Ppd can begin even before birth and it can be hard to deal with without support.

flockofmoosen3 · March 2018

I hope OP comes back....

I understand how u feel. I think it will be important to realize as you navigate and hopefully participate in this board that since everyone experiences pregnancy differently (and there are both first time moms and beyond), that you will find a wide range tastes and philosophies among women here and no one is better than the other. Just be open to the idea that some of us will buy and use the heck out of that crazy baby swing because it is the only way our babies will sleep later, and it doesn't make us silly or dumb for "falling for the trap".

As for your friends, try to be patient with them. You can't know yet, but if you experience things like normal everyday overwhelming feelings, or more like PPD/PPA, you will need those very same people to lean on and support you and your baby. Don't make them feel bad for caring about you, but setting boundaries is okay and healthy.

TalesOfASocialIntrovert · March 2018

sandshrew said:

Maybe I should say that I'm not "giddy."

Today a good friend of mine took me shopping for maternity pants, which I really needed to get done. I'm not a shopping girl, I hate crowds, I hate being accosted by sales reps, and I have been putting this off for ages because of it. So I'm glad she made me effing do it.

As she instructed me to pull the spandex band up around my "bump" (hate the term), she takes a dreamy sigh and says, "Ohhh... You're gonna have a baby..." And, "turn to the side, look at your baby bump..."

At this point, I'm irritated. She'd been throwing nursing tops and all kinds of clothes at me to try on that I would never have picked on my own. Like I was a pregnant barbie doll for her to dress up and coo over. I said, "Yup, there's a baby in there. Yup, my belly is getting bigger and my clothes stopped fitting. Yup."

This is a planned pregnancy and I'm looking forward to raising my son. To guiding and shaping, learning about who he is and what his interests will be. But I'm really not enjoying being pregnant.

Literally everyone is more excited about my first baby than I am. I don't feel attached to the little baby boy all up in my business. It's kinda cool to feel him moving and whatnot, but I can't deal with the way being pregnant has somehow become my identity. As if I'm not Emma anymore. I'm Pregnant.

"How are you FEELING?! When are you due?! How exciting! Aww all the cute baby clothes! Aren't you just so happy? Do you feel the glow?"

No. I feel fat. Leaky. Greasy. Tired. Deprived of all my favorite vices. And worst of all, people are treating me differently. My friend wouldn't let me carry a 5 lb box of diapers into the house. My co-workers tell me that I shouldn't squat down to do inventory counts. "Are you sure you should be doing that?" YES. As if I am suddenly a delicate and helpless [bloated] damsel in distress. As if.

Don't even get me started on the gimmick that is "baby shopping." A 16-motion rocker with music and sound? Changing tables with built in lamp and diaper warmer? You must be joking. Give me a flat surface and a towel and I'll give you a diaper change.

Am I alone in this? Does anyone else feel like your only identity is your pregnancy? Does anyone else feel like this whole "miracle of life" thing is blown way out of giddy, fantasized, romanticized proportion?

Please tell me there are other sane, no-nonsense mothers-to-be out there...

QFP

So, let me paraphrase what I've read:

-You planned this pregnancy but hate that people are being nice to you bc of it.
-You agreed to shop with your friend but was then offended bc she is helped you shop (gasp!) and showed you support and excitement for your life choice. (How dare she!?)
-Friends, strangers, and coworkers are identifying with your stage in life and offering support and consideration.
-By your own admission, this is your first child but you already know exactly what you will and won't need and you'll be damned(!!) if anyone tells you differently.
-And the miracle of life?! Pshhhh!! You're sane and anyone that actually enjoys pregnancy and the kindness and consideration of friends and strangers is literally crazy.

It sounds like people are trying their best to be kind and considerate bc in all seriousness, pregnancy does suck for some people. The physical and emotion strain is difficult, as you've alluded to. But you know What? Pregnancy and having a child DOES change your identity. Life is going to change a LOT more once that kid arrives. People will ask you about breastfeeding, the birth process, sleeping, how wonderful it is to have such a beautiful child, or make comments when they're crying, sleeping, happy, sad, or whatever! If you don't want comments, help, special consideration, etc then tell people that. But understand that people like babies, evolution and the continuation of our species relies on it. I'd suggest stepping outside you're own self for a second and consider where other people are coming from. Give some kindness in return and don't assume anyone that feels differently than you is a wrong asshat.

Also, what the other ladies said. We have a supportive community here and if you'd like to stick around, please read the pinned threads and introduce yourself.

morethanamama · March 2018

Looks like you already got some really good advice and opinions by some felllow bump ladies.

I hate to be blunt, but let me tell you that part of the process of being pregnant and being a mother is shedding our former self. While I completely agree that you are still a person and not just a mom, your pre pregnancy self will no longer exist. While this may be hard to come to terms with, I believe that it's just another chapter in life, and like amny others, it will have its purpose and value.

I also agree with @wildtot, it's totally ok being a no BS person, I'm generally one of them, but it's still good to remember to be considerate towards those who have struggled getting pregnant and despite feeling miserable (physically) they would not trade it for the world. This is my first pregnancy for me, and while I don't love attention, I know that everyone around me is genuinely wanting to help and be protective. It's up to me to establish boundaries and let people know if they are taking it too far.

As for sales reps, well... usually when you take the time to shop in store, especially with maternity clothes -most stuff is online and stores are kind of rare- they automatically assume everyone is excited about the bump and is looking for a little bit more guidance than a click on Amazon. I was actually happy with the sales person at destination maternity because she really helped me get the right size bra and had some good advice on the belly support band.

zande2016 · March 2018

I'm sorry you're struggling. I can relate to feeling like your identity is wrapped up in being pregnant, sometimes I feel like my husband, family, even coworkers/boss label me as "pregnant" and that's all I am. I want to also be a wife, woman, friend, professional etc. That being said, they do it because they care and because a baby IS a miracle. People go nuts over babies, and it's only going to continue once that kid is on the outside, but try to focus on doing things for you and continuing to be yourself, and that may help.

As for the baby gear comment, all I can say is, once you have a screaming baby who pees and poops all over you in the middle of the night and won't sleep and you haven't slept in weeks, you will literally sell your soul to buy any and everything that might possibly make your life a tiny bit easier or get you an hour of sleep.

Edited to fix typos and also add, I understand you're having a tough time, but some of your comments are going to be offensive to many. I hope you can read your post through the lens of a woman who struggled with infertility, experienced losses, or just has wanted nothing more than to be a mom their whole life and are now over the moon excited about every aspect of this. It's fine you don't feel that way, but please don't put down others who do.

canucklehead123 · March 2018

Please tell me there are other sane, no-nonsense mothers-to-be out there...

Please choose your words more carefully.

babybakie · March 2018

Though you cant entirely control other people's reactions to you, you absolutely do have control over your perspective. Try to appreciate that you are lucky to have people around you who care about you and your baby. There are many people who aren't as fortunate to have that kind of love and support surrounding them.

As far as the miracle of life, I personally find that incredibly interesting and almost unbelievable when I really think about it. It seems you are not as easily impressed, but try to appreciate the science of it. It's pretty amazing that you are creating a human being inside you right now as we speak.

This pregnancy is what you wanted, so try to appreciate that you got what you wanted. There are many who wish to be in you position and arent as lucky to get what they hoped for. (TW: There are people who unsuccessfully try their entire adult lives to have a child but never can. There are people who deeply desire to have a baby, yet suffer loss after loss as they feel all their hopes and dreams die along with their precious fetus. There is a great deal of physical and emotional pain that these women endure, and many go through it again and again in hopes to have what you currently have.)

If you can open your mind a bit, I think it will help you feel less miserable during this pregnancy. There are a lot of hormonal changes going on inside of your body right now that may be influencing how you feel. It may be a good idea to share with your doctor how your feeling. Your issue may be deeper than a simple attitude adjustment, and it doesn't hurt to reach out to a professional. I wish you a healthy and happier pregnancy.

cseley321 · March 2018

@acunamatada summed up my thoughts in a much nicer way. My thoughts? You are a FTM. With all due respect, you don't know what you may or may not need until the baby is here. Your baby may have colic, allergies, or may just be a perfect sleeper. Who knows?! For my first, I just bought what I absolutely needed to start with, and added stuff as the need or want arose

Regarding how people treat you, I would try and be gracious for their concern, but be firm with any boundaries you may have. Personally it doesn't bother me when people show concern... if I do not need their help, I politely decline and go about my day. I guess I just don't understand the big deal. I mean, I guess my friends are awful since I have never been fussed over enough to make a post complaining about it.

Regarding your miracle of life rant, I don't want to pretend to know your background, but as someone who has gone through many losses, gone through (and financed) multiple IVF treatments, yes, I do consider having a healthy pregnancy and baby a miracle. That is not to say that I ENJOY being pregnant, but I am thankful that I have made it this far and know that many have not been as fortunate as myself.

And yes, I do consider myself "down to earth", but that doesn't mean that I have to look down or negatively towards those who are overly excited.

purplepelican · March 2018

Cool story, bro.

Can't say I relate.

Until I was miraculously able to get pregnant with "only" about 2000 pills, giving myself a shot in the ass, and having precisely-timed sex, the misery of infertility was my entire identity. So, personally I'm thrilled to have this whole new "pregnant lady" identity. Yeah I was sick for 3 months, immediately got an enormous baby bump, and now at only 20 weeks I'm already having back, hip, and knee pain that I can't take medicine for. But, in my insanity and nonsensicalness, I smile every time someone goes out of their way to help me, asks about my pregnancy or my baby, gives me another $30 unnecessary receiving blanket, or is the 10th person to ask if they can help give me a baby shower. Why? Because all of those people, even the strangers, have shown that they care about me and about the beautiful miracle of life I'm carrying. Guess I'm too crazy to be your friend. What a shame. I was so looking forward to doing something nice for you and then having you complain about it.

ETA: I thought she'd gotten more than enough polite, understanding responses ::shrug::

purplepelican · March 2018

Cashier in store: "When are you due?"

OP:

pretzellover · March 2018

Am I the only one that calls complete BS on this post and thinks it’s some high school or college kid majoring in English Lit trolling the board?!

runsomewhere · March 2018

@pretzellover lol yes! But not an English Lit major, someone desperate to become yet another one of those "sassy" mom bloggers that keeps it "real."

purplepelican · March 2018

@runsomewhere YES! You nailed it!

WorkinWeezel · March 2018

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babygagnon2018 · March 2018

"My friend wouldn't let me carry a 5 lb box of diapers into the house. My co-workers tell me that I shouldn't squat down to do inventory counts. "Are you sure you should be doing that?" YES. As if I am suddenly a delicate and helpless [bloated] damsel in distress. As if."

can you tell me how this works?! I've been begging my DH to carry my groceries in after shopping and can't seem to get him too haha

No offense but I'll take any and all help I can get.

On a more serious note- my mom constantly questions "should you be doing that" my response is "If I don't, who will" and then she shuts it!

paytonpedro · March 2018

babygagnon2018 said:

"My friend wouldn't let me carry a 5 lb box of diapers into the house. My co-workers tell me that I shouldn't squat down to do inventory counts. "Are you sure you should be doing that?" YES. As if I am suddenly a delicate and helpless [bloated] damsel in distress. As if."

can you tell me how this works?! I've been begging my DH to carry my groceries in after shopping and can't seem to get him too haha No offense but I'll take any and all help I can get.

On a more serious note- my mom constantly questions "should you be doing that" my response is "If I don't, who will" and then she shuts it!

Rightttttttttttt. I still carry around my 30# toddler AND have to squat to pick him up often. If I could get some help and someone to tell me to take it easy, that would be GREAT. No. Seriously. I’m waiting......
edit to add that half the time he’s flailing and kicking like a rabid alligator.... so for real, if someone wants to help... Maybe super ftm who wants to do everything herself..... I’m in NY. Bring reinforcements.

julianne0 · March 2018

I feel like this is a good example of why you should get to know this community first before starting a thread like this. While I totally get not being super thrilled with pregnancy with the horrendous sickness that comes for most, some of this is a little over the top IMO. So many moms/moms-to-be here have experienced losses, trauma and infertility. I’m so cautious about who I complain to and what I say and it’s usually only to my husband since a lot of my friends have struggled with getting pregnant or suffered from significant losses, my mom lost a baby to SIDS, etc.
just my opinion and I totally support everyone getting their thoughts and feelings out so as to not feel alone, but being sensitive is important, too