Just asked to be in a wedding... need advice

purplegoldfish2 · February 2018

I’ve been lurking & reluctant to post or intro myself because of multiple m/cs, but I need some help. My sister is getting married at the end of September & just asked me to be in her wedding. I am due Oct 24, so if all goes well I will be 8 months pregnant at the wedding. Nobody knows I’m pregnant and we were not planning to tell anybody until 12 weeks because of my history.

After I told my sister yes, she asked when I could go dress shopping in the next few weeks and informed me that we’d probably have to order that day to get the dresses on time. Any ideas on how to do this without telling anybody I’m pregnant while still getting a dress that will fit in September?

nayyohme · February 2018

I can't imagine you would have to get the dresses that far ahead of time. When I got married most of my bridesmaids waited like 3 months prior before ordering. Maybe postpone buying the dress, due to financial reasons? Car repair something or other.

purplegoldfish2 · February 2018

Is it bad that I can’t remember how far ahead mine bought? She said they told her 5-6 months and we’re going next month. Great idea on the car repair... just hope my mom doesn’t offer to cover the dress until I have the money.

purplegoldfish2 · February 2018

Thanks for the idea!

DunkinDecaf · February 2018

You could speak to the sales lady confidentially and explain the circumstances, ask her to be discrete, and order a larger size. I think the usual recommendation if I’m remembering right is to go up 2-3 sizes from your usual. Personally I’d lean toward bigger; you can always get it tailored as the date approaches.

MissChanandlerBong622 · February 2018

Yup just go for a fun day to try dresses on. Steer her toward an empire waist (flattering on everyone, looks good long or short) and then just buy closer to the wedding

chyvie · February 2018

I was TTGP when my best friend asked me to be in her wedding a full year in advance. I told her I would need a more flexible dress just in case I got pregnant. So you could use TTGP as an excuse too, because if you got pregnant in the next two months you still will need a larger dress. Also I think most bridesmaids dresses come with in 3-4 months. So you can wait a bit.

kimmerann3 · February 2018

I was in my friends wedding 2-3 weeks before I had my DD. We went dress shopping the weekend I found out I was pregnant. I ordered a regular dress just a few sizes bigger. Make sure you get it tailored because it looked a little funny on me. I agree that you should discreetly talk to the sales lady and explain. She will know what to do.

cdepperschmidt · February 2018

One of my bridesmaids found out she was pregnant after agreeing to be in my wedding. I let’s her pick a different dress and she ordered it a few sizes bigger and had it tailored at the last minute.

olivemomma · February 2018

I agree speak to the sales lady discreetly, possibly even call before the apt to give a heads up and then you don’t have to worry about it at all while you are there. How far along will you be by then and will you have had an ultrasound? If you’ve seen the baby is doing okay maybe you would feel differently about confiding in just your sister (assuming she can kee a secret).

knottieb730562552cfaa7b · February 2018

I am in a similar situation with being in a bridal party and not willing to share news yet due to fear of MC...
My bride has been very insisting on getting dresses early but I have managed to push it off until after I am past first trimester (which will still be 4 months before the wedding).

In the meantime I did find a site that does maternity bridesmaid dresses (a few are out there. Forherandforhim, Dessy, etc). If all goes well I plan to order from them. They take into account your current dimensions vs. future pregnancy timeframe - and have empire waist styles that will be more forgiving.

lolo_0924 · February 2018

Both my sister in laws were pregnant (between 8 and 9 months) at my wedding and not or (didn’t know it yet) when we went dress shopping... both ordered the dress then went home and called to order a completely different size... by the time they had come in we all knew and it worked out fine!

bethica83 · February 2018

You can chat with the dress store people privately. Maybe say hey we are hoping to conceive soon but then be honest with attendant when selecting size.

I actually had just started TTC when I went dress shopping with my friend so I ordered a size up and crossed my fingers. I will be almost 18 weeks at her wedding so I think I should be good.

ashin121 · February 2018

I was in a wedding while 7 months pregnant. A long empire dress fit perfect on everyone and my pregnant belly. You can try to get her to get that type of dress. It's perfect for fall weddings.

shortstack930 · February 2018

My best friend was in a wedding when she was 6-7 months pregnant. She ordered her dress a little big but it still didn’t fit when it got closer to the wedding so she was able to get it altered and had a corset back put in so she could loosen or tighten it as her belly grew. Maybe just order a size or two bigger and alter it later on?

tinattt23 · February 2018

I’d rather be massively pregnant for a wedding than newly postpartum. DH and I both are in a wedding 5ish weeks after my due date. Then DH and DS are in another wedding 3 weeks later. No idea how I’m going to pull that off.

klpv415 · February 2018

I literally ordered my bridesmaid dress for a wedding on the Saturday before my BFP on the following Tuesday. I'll be about 5 months along at the wedding, and I'm praying I'll be able to get the dress altered to fit!

knottieamusements · February 2018

@tinattt23 - Have you considered talking to the bride for the wedding you are supposed to be in? Brides have their own crazy stress going on, and the closer to the wedding, the more magnified every crisis will be. If you think it would be better to step aside or at least make plans in case you can’t participate, now (or in a few weeks when you announce) would be the best time to do it.

I know it is hard because it is a huge honor to be part of someone’s special day, but sometimes you need to be realistic (and/or selfish).

tinattt23 · February 2018

@knottieamusements Yeah, I’m going to talk to her once we announce. Her sister is MOH but isn’t local so it’s been clear I’d be taking on most of the duties. And that’s just not going to be feasible anymore. I’m sure we’ll work something out. Luckily she’s pretty flexible.

lest12 · February 2018

OP, is your sister trustworthy enough, or do you have a good enough relationship, to share your news before dress shopping?

I just think it would make everything so much easier for both of you, short and long term.

ladyk127 · February 2018

** Lurking - also have not intro'd yet bc of m/c history but I am in my brother's wedding in October (whoops) and I just went and ordered my dress last night. I showed up 15 minutes early and talked to the girl that would be helping us. I told her that I was pregnant but that it was a secret and she helped me pick out dresses that would be able to fit a huge belly. We looked at empire waist dresses. She took my measurements in private and discussed with me what to do about the sizing situation. She wrote it on the order card but sent it downstairs before anyone could see it.
To make a long story short, my advice would be to talk to the woman at the store. I'm sure they will be discreet. if all else fails, say you'll be trying for a baby so there's a chance you'll have a belly by then and will need something to fit it.

sunnyknightsarah · March 2018

If you have a good relationship with your sister, I would tell her. But if you don't believe she will keep your secret or respect your wishes, then don't. You could just say you guys are trying to conceive so you're going to order a few sizes up because it can be tailored (and it's always easier to take in than let out) And if you don't tell her, then I would definitely call ahead or get there early to talk to the sales rep - they can be very helpful and discreet.

My bridesmaids chose a dress from a boutique instead of any of the David's Bridal dresses we tried, so for those types of custom boutique dresses, they dyed them in one batch to make sure the color was exactly the same. Therefore, the store insisted they had to order 5 months before my wedding and the store would not put in the order until all the bridesmaids placed their dress order. So if someone tried to push it off, everyone's order would be delayed. And it took the full 5 months to arrive (which was crazy to me - it's a dress lol). So while it seems insane, some stores are just very strict about the ordering process.

purplegoldfish2 · March 2018

Thanks for all your responses! My phone was messed up and then I had trouble logging in, but I was reading them.

My sister isn’t an issue and I would just tell her... it’s my mom. She is so negative about everything. She doesn’t even know about my m/cs because I knew I’d get no support from her and she’d probably say things to make me feel bad (like looking for reasons that it’s my fault). Unfortunately, my mom will be there when we’re shopping.

I don’t want to tell them we’re TTC because if things don’t go well this time, I’m not sure we’ll try again and then I’d have to deal with my mom and her questions.

I will be 8 or 9 weeks when we go shopping (waiting to find out which weekend we’re going) & will have had at least 1 more ultrasound by then, maybe 2. I’m not sure what my OB’s plans are as I haven’t talked to her office yet (I’m being seen at the infertility specialists for closer monitoring after they did testing after my m/cs).

The MOH picked David’s Bridal for the dresses. I’m not sure why they have that timeframe for ordering since none of it is custom.

cdepperschmidt · March 2018

@purplegoldfish2 you can ask about the time frame at Davids when you order the dress. Last time I was in a wedding we got dresses there and they had an idea about approximately how long it would take. Certain styles are more in demand.

purplegoldfish2 · March 2018

@cdepperschmidt Thanks! I haven’t been in a wedding since before I got married 6 years ago and have never gotten dresses from David’s. Hopefully we get a dress that isn’t high demand and it won’t take as long to come in!

acciocoffee · March 2018

@purplegoldfish2 I worked at Davids Bridal a few years ago and the lead time for dresses there are usually less than 8 weeks. If it's a specialty dress it might have 12 weeks, but that's rare. I would order two sizes up and go ahead and set an appointment for alterations. If you would rather wait you can also have them put the dress style and current size in the system and you should be able to call and order it over the phone when you are ready.

hellopartyof5 · March 2018

I think I would tell you sister in advance and ask her not to share with your mom. That way she can decide whether or not she wants to get dresses that would be bump friendly, or if she is ok with everyone getting different dresses.

purplegoldfish2 · March 2018

@acciocoffee Thank you so much for the info!

doula-mama · March 2018

I agree that you should tell your sister. I was in a wedding last summer and we got the dresses at David’s. We were ttc at the time so my friend made sure the dress would be bump friendly just in case. For her, it was important to have everyone in the same dress, and some definitely wouldn’t have been easy to alter and still have it look good

purple_2012 · March 2018

I am going to be in a wedding in October, yes right before my EDD! I just ordered my dress about 2 sizes bigger than normal. I will need it to accommodate my big belly.

purplegoldfish2 · March 2018

Today was the day... all the dresses were flowy enough to hide the little bump I do have & I didn’t end up telling anybody except the girl working there for sizing. I chose a dress, but am second guessing it. None of us ordered yet, so I still have time to change (we all picked different dresses).

Does David’s have those fake pregnant belly things that I could go back and try dresses on with it? The girl that helped us told me that we would just push the dress up slightly to go over my belly (I’m short, so even empire waists sit lower on me). The dress I picked is open in the back and it is kind of low, so I’m starting to worry that pushing it up would look funny in the back. I do have a second choice that isn’t as low, but it was tighter around my ribs.

hellopartyof5 · March 2018

Do you have links to the ones you chose?

purplegoldfish2 · March 2018

The first one I won’t be able to wear a bra with because the back is low, so that’s another downside to it, but I’m also worried that pushing up on the bottom will make the back not sit right.
https://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_mesh-long-bridesmaid-dress-with-crisscross-back-w10974_long-bridesmaid-dresses

This one covers more and I can wear a bra, so I am thinking of switching to this instead. My husband likes the other one better though and he’s usually pretty good about helping me pick things I’ll be happy with.
https://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_y-neck-long-mesh-dress-w11173_long-bridesmaid-dresses

Edit it to add It doesn’t look like it in the links, but the bottom of the top part of both dresses hits me in about the same spot and I’d have to push them both up about 1.5 inches.

cdepperschmidt · March 2018

Remind us again, how many weeks will you be and is this your 1st pregnancy?

purplegoldfish2 · March 2018

35 weeks and not my first. No idea how big I’ll get this time because the first was twins and this is only 1, but with my short torso, I assume I’m not going to have one of those little cute bumps.

muchwanted · March 2018

I used to do alterations in a bridal salon, and I'd rather try to get the first one to fit, hands down (from what I can tell in the picture, anyway). The fitted waist on the second leaves very little room for maneuvering, whereas even that little bit of angle on the waist in the first seems to hold some promise for belly accommodation. They can sew cups into either, so no bra needed.

BUT. I really think the chances that you'll fit into a dress you try on now are very low. You MIGHT be lucky enough to fit in something a size or two up, adjusted around the belly, but at eight months that's a huge "if." I started my first pregnancy at 5'6", 125 lbs, and by around 8 months I gave up and mostly just wore hubby's clothes. (He's 6'4, 200+ lbs.) If this were a wedding at 6/7 months, this would be a much more doable task, but you can really balloon in the last few weeks. I think buying a full size up AT LEAST is essential, especially to allow for boob growth.

Did you look through this list?
https://www.davidsbridal.com/bridesmaid-dresses/maternity-bridesmaid-dresses#dbi

purplegoldfish2 · March 2018

@muchwanted thanks! I hadn’t seen that list! I actually did try the cowel back one on and everybody hated it on me. I have no idea why, something about the front looking weird.

The plan was to order 2 sizes up from what I had on yesterday. Is there a better way to do it? The color she picked is custom cut, so they said while they hope dresses come in earlier, that color could actually take 5 months to arrive, so I can’t wait too long to order.

hellopartyof5 · March 2018

Since you're going to be so far along, I think I'd get the actual maternity dress. Hopefully then you wouldn't need much alterations.

purplegoldfish2 · March 2018

I was planning to go back tomorrow to try on the two I had picked... definitely going to add the dress on the maternity list back in too. Plus since I’m there alone, I’ll be able to tell them I’m pregnant. That’s actually why I came back to ask about the fake bellies - they weren’t the most attentive when we were there last time so if they don’t have them, I won’t have to wait around for help, I can just grab the dresses, try them on, push my stomach out in front of the mirror and hopefully decide on the dress. If they have the fake belly, even better!

muchwanted · March 2018

Two sizes up is helpful, but I think a maternity dress (maybe one size up) is probably your best bet. Are you sure the cowl one didn't fit badly because it was made for people with a bump? They might have some of the other styles in from that list, too.

purplegoldfish2 · March 2018

I’m not sure it is actually a maternity dress. It was in the same section as the regular dresses and one of the other bridesmaids tried it on and my mom and sister both liked it on her. The bottom of the top section of the dress does hit a bit higher than the other dresses I tried on, so maybe that’s why it’s in the maternity list (unless they have that in regular and maternity sizes).

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