@amys614 Is their arrangement court-mandated? Is there any way stipulations can be put upon how she spends the money? One of my biggest pet peeves is people who don't want to work for anything. I know what it's like to wait in line for food stamps, but I also know what it's like to buy a car with hard-earned cash. It's infuriating to know that you are being a responsible adult in order to partially benefit someone who is very obviously not. Sadly, there are a lot of people out there just like her. Hopefully the kids will learn from your example, rather than hers.
My parents separated just before my mom found out she was pregnant, so I never lived with my dad. The few times a year that I did see him, he showered me with gifts, but he would only come around when he had money. It killed me because the only thing I ever wanted was to spend time with him. I think it's awesome that y'all are focusing on making memories with the kids, because in twenty years, they aren't going to remember that she got them XYZ shoes or whatever else. They will remember who made the effort to really be with them.
@amys614 - I'm going to sound like a horrible person here, but your husband needs to stop. What he's doing is enabling her. And if he doesn't stop, neither will she. He pays child support for the kids. That money needs to be used for them, for their basic needs (food, clothes, schooling, etc.). By giving them extra money to do things with their mother, or giving their mother money to order pizza, or ordering pizza for them - you're telling their mother that it's okay that she doesn't work and isn't responsible with money, because you guys will always be there to buy them delivery when she doesn't have something in the cupboard. You're also telling the kids that it's okay to be irresponsible with money, because YH will always be there to bail them out. And that's not a good thing to teach any child.
If they have no food, and YH really feels like you have to do something about it - don't order them pizza. Order them groceries, buy them a gift card to a grocery store, or go shopping yourself and drop it off when you drop the kids off. But also make it clear that it will not be a regular thing. Chances are, when the kids say there's nothing to eat, there's something that can be made, they just don't want it or their mother doesn't want to cook it. And if you refuse to order them pizza, they'll eventually give in and make that something. Whether it's tuna fish sandwiches, mac 'n cheese, or hot dogs and ramen. I can tell you that when I was a kid, we could have a freezer full of food and I'd whine that there was nothing to eat because I'd have to actually put effort in to making it. And it sounds like their mother is still in that childish phase, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's happening.
You pay child support, there's zero reason that you need to pay anything on top of that (aside from more-expensive school activities, camps, etc.). The child support money is meant to go toward taking care of the kids. And if she doesn't want to start being responsible and doing that, then tell her that you'll try to get a court hearing to make it known that she's using the child support money for her personal purchases, and leaving the kids without food. Chances are, telling her that you're serious enough about her getting her act together to take her to court - and potentially force her to share statements and receipts of where the child support money is going - will be enough for her to start acting smarter. I don't know how much YH pays in child support, but I can tell that if he has a decent job, he's going to be paying enough to provide the kids with the basics. If their mother wants to take them out to the movies - it's her responsibility to make sure she has the money to not only pay for the movie, but to pay for the transportation to the movie. If she doesn't have the money - it's her fault that they can't do it, not yours. If she wants to order them pizza, it's her responsibility to make sure she has the money for that. If they can't have pizza on Fridays, it's her fault, not yours.
It's a hard concept for children to understand, and it may be hard for YH to grasp that and realize that it doesn't make him a bad father for not paying for their extra/fun activities that they do with their mother. But he is not and will not be a bad father for tightening those reigns. And the kids may be fed negative things from their mother because she's not getting the extra money on top of the CS that she's used to getting - but having open and honest conversations about the fact that YH pays CS regularly, and that money is not being used accordingly, and you want to teach the kids responsibility -- that will eventually stick with them and they'll understand.
@kfren yes I have been on both sides as well and get especially cranky when people don't want to try. Its obvious the kids appreciate what we do because that's what they already remember and talk about. His son wrote me a letter saying thank you for taking us fishing, taking us to the zoo, for cooking us fish outside, etc. He listed a whole bunch of things we had done one summer and not one of them was "for buying me xyz" I'm glad they still "get it" for now but it's an uphill battle.
@izza2 you're not a horrible person. I have the very same view point as you do. He has to do something about it and put his foot down. It took him 6 years to file for divorce because he truly thought divorce ruined kids at one point in his life. I think this is his way of trying to keep everything in their life the exact way it always was as to protect them from feeling any of the change, which is ass backwards and isn't helping anyone in the situation. He typically agrees with me, but then in the moment, along comes the text, lay on the guilt, and voila. Whether he wants to deal with it or not, he needs to set some boundaries. Thanks for your input. Totally agree
Alright, a little backstory. In 2016, my daughter had a sty on her eye, that lasted for like 6 months. It would swell, burst, but never go away. Finally the Dr referred her to an eye Dr who put her under anesthesia and cleared it out. Now, she's had another one since December, so I took her in and before I could even explain anything he said "well, if it's just a sty, I'm not going to do anything." He hadn't even closed the door yet. Hadn't looked at her eye, nothing. I explained the first time she had one, and he didn't care. Argh! This is not our usual Dr, and I'll definitely be calling to make an appt with our Dr because this is ridiculous. I'm so pissed.
@amys614 That sounds like you both are between a rock and a hard place. Putting myself in your ex's position I would find it incredibly hard to say no to my kids (even knowing that it's the ex-wife playing antics). I honestly don't think there's an easy solution to this other than try and set boundaries when and where you can. If everything is fine other than the financial issue of her getting their kids to ask for stuff then I would try and ignore it unless it is directly impacting upon your finances where you yourself are having to cut back (I'm guessing you do this because it's your choice rather than it being a forced necessity). My cousin and her fiancee are going through a similar situation (he pays maintenance but his wife rarely has their children [10 and 18]; they're always with him and my cousin doing stuff [apart from the 18 year old]). My cousin's ex was paying his ex-wife's mortgage up until last month and they've been divorced 2 years because she said she couldn't afford it. My cousin's ex does all the extra stuff out of guilt because as a parent their Mum sadly isn't great, not at managing money or spending time with her kids. It's hard for my cousin because she works 13-hour shifts often 60+ hours a week in maternity suite and managed to do all that, buy her own house all with two sons of her own and very little assistance from her ex-husband.
@Amphibious22 I live in a townhouse and my next door neighbor is a dubstep DJ. She is an a-hole for many reasons, but when she is "working" on her music, our whole place shakes. I have complained many times, it's gotten better, but she is a lunatic and went so far as to tell the association MH and I wrote cryptic threats in the snow on her car, LOLOLOLOL. Good luck, I don't understand why people can't just be courteous.
@kfren I complained yesterday. I'll do it again today. And probably tomorrow. I'm thinking about going up there and talking to them about it, but I'm worried they're going to be crazy and murder me or something.
ETA @bearmoons I'm so delirious from lack of sleep, I might start leaving cryptic threats. It's not the worst idea.
Me 30 Him 30 Married August 2015 DS born 5/23/2018 TTC #2 July 2020
@Amphibious22 If it were an isolated incident, maybe. If it's repeatedly keeping you from sleeping during the night, call and don't feel bad. Even if it's during the day, if it's excessively loud, that's disrespectful and needs to stop.
@Amphibious22 I wouldn't feel bad at all about calling. It would be one thing if it's just an annoyance here or there in the afternoon, but the fact that it's causing you to lose sleep is unacceptable. There are noise ordinances and WTF is wrong with them to think playing music at 445am is ok?!
@marcus7676 I just looked it up since I live in a pretty yuppy neighborhood and yes there are quiet hours from 10pm-7am, so I guess I would be in the right to call the cops.
Me 30 Him 30 Married August 2015 DS born 5/23/2018 TTC #2 July 2020
Earlier today, I bought a face mask on Birchbox, only to realize that I forgot to look at the ingredients. It's not paraben-free, and ever since my first pregnancy, I have been super paranoid about certain chemicals. I emailed them shortly after ordering to ask if I could cancel the order. Just got an email confirmation that my freaking order has shipped!
@kfren boo. Also paranoid about stuff like that myself. Maybe a gift to someone who doesn't care?
I hate people that ring doorbells in the afternoon. They ALWAYS do that when my child is sleeping. I saw this lady across the street ringing doorbells and knew I was probably on her list. I went into the kitchen to write a "do not ring doorbell or I'll cut you," type message to tape to my door. I didn't even get the D written before she was ringing. She rang twice, dogs barked, DS blessedly remained asleep. I've been meaning to buy something permanent for outside the door for a while. Now I will have up to two sleeping babies for someone to wake makes it all the more necessary. DH has been sending me pics of options we could buy this afternoon.
I like this one best:
Just as a PSA, even when you have a sign like this, people ring your doorbell anyway because they're jerks and nothing matters to anyone.
@Austenista Great minds! Had to do the same thing with a really awesome goody basket I got for Christmas. No good. I like that sign, but I like this one, too (on Etsy:)
I just boarded a plane home. Seatback pocket is full of trash from previous passenger, including peanut butter and used tissues. Also, man in front of me keeps leaning back violently and slamming into my knees with his seat. I’m about to lose it guys. If you hear about me on the news, know I tried to be patient.
Ugh I don’t want to talk shit about DH because I know he’s going through some mental health stuff, but I’m so effing annoyed. Our flight is at 9am tomorrow which means we have to leave at 6am. I have had a ton of freelance work this week so haven’t had much time to pack or clean. He had a work happy hour tonight so I asked him to please try to be home by 9 (which seems more than enough time?) to help pack etc. He said he would. It’s 10pm, and he just accidentally video chatted me from his phone, clearly still at the bar, not in a cab or on his way home. Like wtf. I am not packing any of his stuff out of protest, but I want to sleep! He’s going to come home drunk and noisy.
Update: it’s 11:30, DH is completely hammered, and he is essentially incapable of packing his clothes. He’s going to be so hungover tomorrow. I am so happy that I am alone in first class on tomorrow’s flight (woohoo points! I’ve never flown first class before!) instead of sitting with him. I’m really angry.
@doxiemoxie212 I would be angry too. Enjoy fist class by yourself. Happy hour after work should be just that, an hour or two. Not all night long. Especially when you have an early flight.
*TW LC*
Me & MH: 32 DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU) TTC #2: 12/2019 Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18
@doxiemoxie212 don't blame you at all. I'd be fuming. Enjoy your flight in first class and try to relish in how miserable a flight probably is gonna be hungover.
@MoonOverGoldsboro if you ever get the chance definitely shoot for when you're not pregnant so you can drink. Sorry @doxiemoxie212
We flew back from Mexico first class because they were the only tickets available and my dad was buying lol and we had a great time! They we're not shy about bringing drinks and they totally understood that we were going home from vacation and wanted to keep the party going.
*TW LC*
Me & MH: 32 DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU) TTC #2: 12/2019 Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18
LaceyBee522 - My PSA as a former flight attendant...don't EVER stick your hand down in a seat back pocket without looking in there first. I've found needles, dirty diapers, all kinds of things that would make your skin crawl. People are animals.
@doxiemoxie212 - enjoy 1st Which airline is it? What type of plane- if you know? I never found it super worth it on short flights but it is SOO worth it on trans-continental/international flights. The goodie bags alone on the international ones are a-ok, lol. *I say this having never actually paid for a first class seat and flying standby as a crew member (out of uniform). One of my roommates and I went to S. Africa for a few weeks and flew 1st...on a 22 hour flight- sooo worth it. Didn't even flinch at the flight length...and got stuck in Africa for 3 days trying to get home because we waited for a flight with 1st seats available...def wasn't going to go coach.
@doxiemoxie212 So uncool. You know karma reared her ugly head today when he took the long walk back to coach with a pounding headache and sour stomach.
I am glad to say I kept my cool and did not get in any trouble on my flight back last night. I felt bad for the flight attendants. @kmurdock925 good to know - yikes! I usually don't use the pocket, but there was sooo much trash left in it that I couldn't fit my legs properly. It was like ballooning out from the seat filled with garbage and peanut butter. So nasty.
I travel occasionally with my two small kids and we produce a ton of trash, but even I take it all with me. If I, with two kids, two carseats and a million carry on things can pick up my trash, surely other people can too.
May14th2011 - yaaaass!! Especially since the FAs go through the cabin with trash bags all the damn time...they're practically begging you for your garbage. I would ask pax for their trash- they would look at me and say no, then while I was still standing there shove it in the pocket or put it on the floor. And people wonder why the glamor of flying has gone away...
@LaceyBee522 it’s pretty nice! The food was actually good. I was v happy to be in first class while pregnant. Air pressure does crazy things to the bloat. It was nice to be able to recline so far and put my feet up.
Re: Weekly Rants (2/19)
My parents separated just before my mom found out she was pregnant, so I never lived with my dad. The few times a year that I did see him, he showered me with gifts, but he would only come around when he had money. It killed me because the only thing I ever wanted was to spend time with him. I think it's awesome that y'all are focusing on making memories with the kids, because in twenty years, they aren't going to remember that she got them XYZ shoes or whatever else. They will remember who made the effort to really be with them.
He pays child support for the kids. That money needs to be used for them, for their basic needs (food, clothes, schooling, etc.). By giving them extra money to do things with their mother, or giving their mother money to order pizza, or ordering pizza for them - you're telling their mother that it's okay that she doesn't work and isn't responsible with money, because you guys will always be there to buy them delivery when she doesn't have something in the cupboard. You're also telling the kids that it's okay to be irresponsible with money, because YH will always be there to bail them out. And that's not a good thing to teach any child.
If they have no food, and YH really feels like you have to do something about it - don't order them pizza. Order them groceries, buy them a gift card to a grocery store, or go shopping yourself and drop it off when you drop the kids off. But also make it clear that it will not be a regular thing. Chances are, when the kids say there's nothing to eat, there's something that can be made, they just don't want it or their mother doesn't want to cook it. And if you refuse to order them pizza, they'll eventually give in and make that something. Whether it's tuna fish sandwiches, mac 'n cheese, or hot dogs and ramen. I can tell you that when I was a kid, we could have a freezer full of food and I'd whine that there was nothing to eat because I'd have to actually put effort in to making it. And it sounds like their mother is still in that childish phase, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's happening.
You pay child support, there's zero reason that you need to pay anything on top of that (aside from more-expensive school activities, camps, etc.). The child support money is meant to go toward taking care of the kids. And if she doesn't want to start being responsible and doing that, then tell her that you'll try to get a court hearing to make it known that she's using the child support money for her personal purchases, and leaving the kids without food.
Chances are, telling her that you're serious enough about her getting her act together to take her to court - and potentially force her to share statements and receipts of where the child support money is going - will be enough for her to start acting smarter. I don't know how much YH pays in child support, but I can tell that if he has a decent job, he's going to be paying enough to provide the kids with the basics. If their mother wants to take them out to the movies - it's her responsibility to make sure she has the money to not only pay for the movie, but to pay for the transportation to the movie. If she doesn't have the money - it's her fault that they can't do it, not yours. If she wants to order them pizza, it's her responsibility to make sure she has the money for that. If they can't have pizza on Fridays, it's her fault, not yours.
It's a hard concept for children to understand, and it may be hard for YH to grasp that and realize that it doesn't make him a bad father for not paying for their extra/fun activities that they do with their mother. But he is not and will not be a bad father for tightening those reigns. And the kids may be fed negative things from their mother because she's not getting the extra money on top of the CS that she's used to getting - but having open and honest conversations about the fact that YH pays CS regularly, and that money is not being used accordingly, and you want to teach the kids responsibility -- that will eventually stick with them and they'll understand.
Me: 30 | DH: 34 | DSS: 14 | DS: 4
PG #2, EDD 10/12/2023
@izza2 you're not a horrible person. I have the very same view point as you do. He has to do something about it and put his foot down. It took him 6 years to file for divorce because he truly thought divorce ruined kids at one point in his life. I think this is his way of trying to keep everything in their life the exact way it always was as to protect them from feeling any of the change, which is ass backwards and isn't helping anyone in the situation. He typically agrees with me, but then in the moment, along comes the text, lay on the guilt, and voila. Whether he wants to deal with it or not, he needs to set some boundaries. Thanks for your input. Totally agree
Now, she's had another one since December, so I took her in and before I could even explain anything he said "well, if it's just a sty, I'm not going to do anything." He hadn't even closed the door yet. Hadn't looked at her eye, nothing. I explained the first time she had one, and he didn't care. Argh!
This is not our usual Dr, and I'll definitely be calling to make an appt with our Dr because this is ridiculous. I'm so pissed.
Married August 2015
DS born 5/23/2018
TTC #2 July 2020
ETA @bearmoons I'm so delirious from lack of sleep, I might start leaving cryptic threats. It's not the worst idea.
Married August 2015
DS born 5/23/2018
TTC #2 July 2020
Married August 2015
DS born 5/23/2018
TTC #2 July 2020
Married August 2015
DS born 5/23/2018
TTC #2 July 2020
I hate people that ring doorbells in the afternoon. They ALWAYS do that when my child is sleeping. I saw this lady across the street ringing doorbells and knew I was probably on her list. I went into the kitchen to write a "do not ring doorbell or I'll cut you," type message to tape to my door. I didn't even get the D written before she was ringing. She rang twice, dogs barked, DS blessedly remained asleep. I've been meaning to buy something permanent for outside the door for a while. Now I will have up to two sleeping babies for someone to wake makes it all the more necessary. DH has been sending me pics of options we could buy this afternoon.
I like this one best:
Just as a PSA, even when you have a sign like this, people ring your doorbell anyway because they're jerks and nothing matters to anyone.
I like that sign, but I like this one, too (on Etsy:)
ETA: Etsy link for @kmurdock925 : https://www.etsy.com/listing/469334400/personalized-custom-handmade-baby
DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU)
TTC #2: 12/2019
Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube
Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN
Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18
@LaceyBee522 that sounds awful!
DS born 9/24/2020
DS: born oct 2012
TFAS: BFP #1 aug16. miscarriage sept16
BFP #2 nov16 MMC dec16. d&c jan17
BFP #3 sept17 EDD 5/31/18
fingers crossed for our rainbow baby
Married March 2016
DD: born 7.22.16
DS EDD: 6.23.18
I have never flown first class and am very dorkily excited to do that someday.
Husband: 35
Married: June 2007
Son Max born 1/10/17
BFP #2: 10/5/17; EDD: 6/11/18
We flew back from Mexico first class because they were the only tickets available and my dad was buying lol and we had a great time! They we're not shy about bringing drinks and they totally understood that we were going home from vacation and wanted to keep the party going.
DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU)
TTC #2: 12/2019
Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube
Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN
Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18
LaceyBee522 - My PSA as a former flight attendant...don't EVER stick your hand down in a seat back pocket without looking in there first. I've found needles, dirty diapers, all kinds of things that would make your skin crawl. People are animals.
@kfren - thanks!
@doxiemoxie212 - enjoy 1st
Which airline is it? What type of plane- if you know? I never found it super worth it on short flights but it is SOO worth it on trans-continental/international flights. The goodie bags alone on the international ones are a-ok, lol. *I say this having never actually paid for a first class seat and flying standby as a crew member (out of uniform). One of my roommates and I went to S. Africa for a few weeks and flew 1st...on a 22 hour flight- sooo worth it. Didn't even flinch at the flight length...and got stuck in Africa for 3 days trying to get home because we waited for a flight with 1st seats available...def wasn't going to go coach.
I am glad to say I kept my cool and did not get in any trouble on my flight back last night. I felt bad for the flight attendants. @kmurdock925 good to know - yikes! I usually don't use the pocket, but there was sooo much trash left in it that I couldn't fit my legs properly. It was like ballooning out from the seat filled with garbage and peanut butter. So nasty.
Yall guess who my my seat mate was
DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU)
TTC #2: 12/2019
Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube
Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN
Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18
DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU)
TTC #2: 12/2019
Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube
Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN
Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18