Do you tell your friends/family about your IVF cycles??

PosieJ · February 2018

Hi all! This is my first IVF cycle. I have had one failed IUI & one miscarriage from Natural Pregnancy. Anyway, I just found out I have six little embryos. Doing PGS so won't transfer for some time, if there is anything viable to transfer, that is! So I am writing because I would love to hear what others have to say about how open they are about their cycles. I have taken my friends & family through all the gnarly details of everything so far, but am beginning to feel a little weird about that for a number of reasons.

So here's my question: Do you tell your friends/family about your IVF cycles?? I have this really close knit group of girls--I tell them everything--but I told them last summer when I first got a positive pregnancy test, only to have to tell them that I lost it at 10 weeks. It feels like I am taking them through the wringer with me, which is at times helpful, but I HATE the random questions about our fertility/IVF cycles.. I have basically told them that we can only talk about it when I bring it up, which makes me feel kind of controlling. BUT Random fertility texts in the middle of my work day are the worst! So, am I being nuts? Are people on here public or private about their cycles?
Thanks!!!

mcgeeva · February 2018

Good luck to you first off! I’m sorry for your loss as well. I only share with my husband and my one girlfriend. My family is against me having more kids after my first bc I had a rough pregnancy not that I have fam here to do anything or expect anything from anyone. But after two misscariages this summer and my mother’s response was I didn’t need anymore that made me close up from everyone. Two after my second miscarriage the week I was told to stop progesterone and let it pass 5 friends told me they were pregnant and I had a rough time handling. So now I’d rather chat with you fine ladies who understand the struggles with this then share with those who tell you shit happens for a reason, be happy with what you have and move on. But do what we you need to feel happy. I have a therapist I talk tj about the struggles and I think for now it’s enough until I’m past the point I have good news to share.

PosieJ · February 2018

I am so sorry for your losses, @mcgeeva. What a tough road this is for us here on this forum. I am moving in the direction of only sharing with one friend--I think this forum, which i just joined, will help me with this. I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut about it even though ultimately i would like to keep it to a very small group. Thanks for sharing your story. x

stephanienj · February 2018

I'm also just starting my first ivf cycle. I have read how many people keep from telling their fertility and treatments to a select few. That's just not my style, I'm an over thinker, type a personality, and if I keep things in, I will explode. Although, we've known for about 6 years that it would come to this, as did our friends and family, but we put it off several times for various reasons, so it was really just a matter of when. TW***** we were told 10 years ago we would never conceive naturally, and 9 months later we conceived our son naturally (he's almost 9 now), so in a way, we were always kinda hoping it would just happen again, eventually, but 8 years later, still nothing, so here we are, ***** END TW........I've overcome quite a bit of health issues in my life, and have learned to just deal with stuff, I don't let our fertility battle, or any other health issue I've overcome make me feel ashamed in any way, having the ability to even try fertility treatments, to me is empowering, because it's our choice. So now that the time is here, even with a high possibility of it not working, we're still very excited to be trying it. I mean I haven't gone shouting it through the streets, but our family and friends all know. I've even told a few co workers that I talk to everyday. If it doesn't work and we have to move on to a second round, I may handle things differently then...but for now, I'm bursting with the excitement of actually just moving forward. There was practically zero hope of us conceiving naturally, and for the first time in almost 8 years, I feel as if there is hope, so I'm hanging onto that!! But everyone handles things differently, some feel better talking about things (me), some prefer to keep to themselves. There's really no wrong way of doing it in my eyes. Handle it however you are most comfortable. Best of luck to you in your upcoming cycle!!!!!

tosh24 · February 2018

Me and my husband know. And one friend/coworker who has gone through IVF and 10+ years of infertility. That's it. My family has no idea we are even thinking about having a child, let alone have been trying for one for almost 6 years with two miscarriages in the last year. I'm a really private person and I don't want the pity from my super fertile family. I'm not ashamed of our struggles at all and if we finally get our THB I plan to come clean but I just can't right now.

PosieJ · February 2018

Thank you! My instinct is to shout from the roofs & announce it to everyone I know! But then I worry I will regret it when all the questions come pouring in. My husband was just on the phone with every member of his family & told all of them, so . . . But i agree totally: I don't feel ashamed, at all. Just ready for my baby! Thanks again for your responses. xoxox

scully127 · February 2018

I am only doing IUI. I have told close family and some friends but in hindsight it was probably too much. I tend to get a lot of silence in response. People are not comfortable discussing it unless they also went through it. Sometimes I will meet a nice person at church who also went through it and who really understands. But those tend to be far and few between.

Orlaa · February 2018

I'm about to start my first IVF cycle. I've only told my mother, my SO's parents and two close friends about it. I find it helpful to have people I can talk to and share my hopes and concerns with, but at the same time I don't want to tell any more people because if it doesn't work out I don't want everyone knowing about yet another disappointment.

I haven't told any of my colleagues. I just started a new job in September and don't feel close enough to any of them yet.
In my last job a number of my colleagues knew about the fertility treatments and losses we went through and it made it easier when it came to all the time off I needed for appointments etc. as they were very understanding.

For me it's about having people I can open up to when I feel like it but at the same time avoiding the possibility of interfering questions or insensitive remarks.

mcgeeva · February 2018

You all are right there is no right or wrong way it’s what you feel comfortable doing and the support system you gave. Good luck all!

funkykey · February 2018

@Posiej - yes and no. First, my H is more open about it than I am. Second, I go back-and-forth.

When we first started TTC, I was private about it; I only talked to my sister. But eventually, it became this thing in my life that wasn't working, and became something that was actually a struggle, so I mentioned it to a few more people, like: "We're having trouble" .

Once actually starting treatment, it was more of the same - we wanted to keep it private (we wanted to surprise people if it worked!) - but after a couple of the IUIs failed, I needed more of a support network.

For our IVF, when we were actually going through stimming and the ER, I was very selective who I told. Since then, I've been very private about the FETs. I know my friends are curious and want to be supportive, but a few times now, they've asked about it at the wrong time. Like, I'll have dragged myself out of bed after bad news from my RE, gone to meet someone, and finally - finally! - been thinking about something other than IF and a friend will be like: "So, how are the treatments coming?"

I've just said: "You know, it's going badly. It's been really hard. I get a lot of bad news and it's a real struggle, and it's all I think about, every morning I wake up and every night I fall asleep. When I'm here with you, if I'm not talking about it, chances are I'm trying to forget about it. Please don't bring it up."

It's not that I'm embarrassed or ashamed, and later on I hope to talk about this struggle more freely. It's just that right now, it's very painful, and I'm looking for relief from it IRL rather than the opportunity to talk about it more.

@Orlaa - is that your dog? So beautiful!! We also have a lab, he is our pride and joy.

tnh0413 · February 2018

I think it’s different for every woman, couple, family etc. Personally for my DH and I, literally every single person we consider family or friends know about everything. Also almost all of my coworkers know as well. So many of our friends and coworkers have struggled with getting pregnant and had to do some sort of infertility treatment that it seems to be the natural thing for all of us to talk about lol.

In our eyes, we’ve had soooo many people thinking and praying for us that if we would’ve kept it all in, we wouldn’t have had those extra prayers and support.

I will say, after our first failed FET, my mother in law took the news extremely hard and didn’t want to know about anymore of it unless we were successful lol. We did tell just her about our recent BFP on our beta two weeks ago and she was overwhelmed with joy.

Good luck with PGS and your upcoming transfer @PosieJ

dragonette505 · February 2018

As everyone has said, there truly no right or wrong. For me I have my husband, my mother (who lives with us and it would be impossible to hide from... I know, I tried) and my oldest sister. That’s it. That’s what I’m comfortable with. I also know in a way, my way is easier. Say I tell everyone and at first they are supportive and it feels good, but then after a time it feels oppressive and I wish I hadn’t told so many ppl?? Well then it’s too late. So for my way of thinking, less is more. You can’t take it back once you put it out there. If you are cool with that, broadcast away, if not, just be more selective in how you share
either way we are all here too and it’s so nice to not have to explain things so much

mockingjay1 · February 2018

*TW - child mentioned a couple times below

I go back and forth on this. We are starting IVF in the next 2-3 months (we'll know more after my one day workup), and a lot of my friends at work know we've been working with an RE for a year and had a loss. I'm fairly open, especially after being asked SO MANY times if I want another child. If it's someone I'm not comfortable going into details with I will tell them we have fertility issues and that usually ends the conversation. My parents also know, but DH's don't. We had to tell my parents about IVF, because we need someone to watch our son since our new clinic is in another state. Some people at work know we'll be doing IVF along with my best friends. I feel like it's less lonely if we're not totally closed off about it.

Orlaa · February 2018

@funkykey Yes that's my dog Sonny. He's the best!

Definitely no right or wrong answer.
I find I have moments where I want to tell the person I'm with but hesitate knowing that I may regret it later on.
What I dread the most is if it doesn't work and people start asking me how it went. On the other hand if we end up with a BFP I don't want to tell anyone until we're ready.

ndz2018 · February 2018

For me, and again there really is no right or wrong answer, I’ve told everyone I am Close with or I speak to on a daily basis close friends, Mom, my brother and SIL, the few coworkers I’m close with , my boss who is super supportive and family , well the family is more my mom telling them lol but it’s ok. This is the way I look At it... the more people who know the more people that are happy for us and the more positive energy we are getting from these people who care about us! We’ve had some set backs and disappointments in this journey but I am So lucky to have the people who know to support me through all the ups and downs. The out pouring of love during this time has been absolutely wonderful and I know whatever the future brings I’ll have the support of all those who know what I have Really been through.
I’m an open book, always have been! I’m proud of my beautiful embryos waiting for us come April just like anyone would be proud of any of children. Do what you feel comfortable with, that’s my advice.

ndz2018 · February 2018

@PosieJ Congrats on your 6 embryos I hope They are all pgs normal!!!

J1006 · February 2018

Originally we were just going to tell my BIL and his wife. They were our support system since day 1 of trying to conceive. I ended up telling one of my close friends whose sister also did IVF as well as my two bosses at work. There was really no way around that due to appointments. They were both very supportive. My husband told his dad who offered to help with the financing of it all. We then had to tell my MIL since they were helping with money. I honestly wish we didn’t. We have had a couple set backs and she makes it seem like it’s the end of the world and isn’t really respecting our decisions. My family doesn’t know anything. I think they assuming we are struggling since it’s no secret that I want to have a family and DH and I have been married for quite some time. They don’t know we are doing IVF though. It’s completely up to you and how you feel.

PosieJ · February 2018

These response are SO helpful. I love the idea of our community hoping and praying, and maybe even mourning with us, if it comes to that. This was the way with my miscarriage last summer. That said, @funkykey I have had so many friends ask that exact question:"So... how are treatments going?" and the next thing I know, I am in tears at the coffee shop when all I really wanted to talk about was clothes or TV or some mundane stuff. It all comes from a place of love and compassion, but I have now informed my friends to NOT BRING IT UP. Seems to be working so far. I am so thrilled have found this community here on The Bump. xx

bubblyducks24 · February 2018

First and foremost, I'm sorry for your loss. But for sure good luck to you!!!
I only tell my SO, my mom and my really close girlfriend. I don't like people asking too many questions or know what's going on b/c it is a sensitive topic. It's not really something a lot of people know how to react or respond to. Sometimes they say the wrong thing, so I made sure only the strongest of my support system knows and that's who I'm trying to conceive with and the person that gave me birth and a friend to comfort me through it all. But people are there for you.

XOXO goodluck!

cheerfulboots23 · February 2018

I'm sorry to hear @PosieJ! Besides my DH, I have told my family and my a few people at my job, including my supervisor. When I tell you it has extremely helped to have that support system, I couldn't be more thankful. Initially, I thought how you thought - thinking they were going to pity me and I was going to be embarrassed, but I'm so glad I said something and it's been absolutely supporting. I hope it all works out for you! I'll be praying, stay above the clouds!

ashleymarie512 · February 2018

Hey guys, can I join you? I’m in my TWW of FET #2. With all of our cycles, I haven’t told family. I tell more friends bc I need an outlet. I hate how IF takes away the surprise and fun out of TTC, so by not telling family, not only do I avoid questions, but I can also try to surprise them with an announcement, if/when it happens. Definitely no right or wrong answer. I think my family knew we were going through treatments, but they didn’t ask and I didn’t offer up timelines.

mcgeeva · February 2018

So I’m hoping when my whole family comes over for my mother’s 60th today no one notices a shelf full of drugs in the fridge and keeps their mouths shut

wishing-and-hoping · February 2018

I kept everything quiet for almost a year of treatment (all just hormone treatment), other than my sister who I told after she got pg and I was visibly upset. After about a year I realized it was eating me alive and now I literally tell anyone I feel like telling (if anything in the realm of children comes up). Like, I told my eyebrow wax girl last week because my IUI was after my eyebrow wax. HA. It has been a major relief for me. It relieved a lot of bitterness I was holding inside. I know the mystery and the surprise is gone, but I would rather be able to tell people what's going on in my life. It also takes some of the sting out of this, to just be able to put it out in the open. For the people who I knew would want to talk about it a lot/ask questions, I said "call my husband if you want to talk about it"

It has worked well other than lots of questions from my MIL "how are youuu? hope you are ok" that feel loaded, but no biggie, I can handle that.

ashleymarie512 · February 2018

@mcgeeva My sister came over to babysit my DD and nephew last week and I was hoping she wouldn’t need anything out of the med cabinet and see my meds/calendar! Although my whole family is going to a big charity gala in two weeks and if I’m pg it’s going to be hard to hide that I’m not drinking.

Knottie60076601 · February 2018

This is such a tough one! We've been doing FT for a year now and when we first started we only told my parents because we live in the same town and are very close. I didn't want to lie about our long absences at random times (our clinic is 1.5 hours from our house). But as we continued, I found that I really needed more support and started sharing some general details of our journey with close girlfriends. I don't care if people know we are trying and struggling. Like others have mentioned, that is just more positive energy, thoughts and prayers coming your way. But my DH has a different opinion. He feels this should be a completely private matter. So it has been a delicate balance. Especially when we're out with friends during a cycle or a 2WW and everyone is like, why aren't you drinking?! Don't you HATE that question??

CourtRoseS · April 2018

DH and I recently went though our first IVF cycle, and we told both our parents and all of our close friends what we were going through. They all knew we had been trying, unsuccessfully for a while. It really does take up so much of your time and life that it is hard to keep a secret from people close to you and in your life. We started off only planning to tell very few ppl, but as the journey continued, we let more ppl in. Unfortunately our first round wasn’t successful and I regretted telling everyone, only because everyone knew all of our important dates, and knew when to be expecting good or bad news. It’s really hard to receive bad news, let alone have to tell multiple ppl waiting, and hoping for good news for you, that you have failed. Every time I had to tell someone it failed, it was like reliving hearing the bad news again. Hard. Going forward on our next cycle, we will keep it more private. Everyone knows we will try again, but we won’t be so specific on what dates. The pressure having to report each doctors apt. And results is just too much! We’ll just tell our ppl that we are going to try again, and to keep us in their thoughts and prayers.

retro_belle24 · April 2018

@PosieJ I'm sorry for your loss. For me, I'm a private person and I tried to keep this private. I told my mom because she's my rock and has been really involved in driving me to my surgeries and is going to be giving me my shots until I can do it myself.. But sometimes I wish this wasn't the case because my mom has a big mouth and told my grandparents and pretty much her side of the family without my permission! I was and am still mad about that, because this is a very private and intensive medical process and I'm a private person. I had to have a serious conversation with her about it. I thought she understood until last Saturday when she mentioned a future grandchild to my MIL. WTF!!!! My mom saw that I was upset and tried to play it off to MIL that it was just something DH and I were thinking for the near future.

I wanted to be able to surprise DH's family when everything was okay and safe to do so. I feel that my mom took that option away from me because my MIL is smart as hell and pretty much knows that there's something happening but thankfully she doesn't know it's through IVF. I'm just nervous that every time I see her, she's going to mention wanting a grand child which is honestly too much right now to deal with. So ya as you can see, I'm still a little raw about last Saturday and with my mom in general. I know she's just excited for the future but I wish she'd put herself in my shoes.

I personally told my best friend/cousin but I keep it vague with her and my boss due to all the appointments. I've asked that DH not tell anybody in his family or friends because again it's a personal medical process for me and I don't want to have to give updates every time I see them.

@CourtRoseS I know exactly how you feel and that was one big reason I wanted to tell the least amount of people. Once your family/friends know, every time they see you, they'll ask for updates and sometimes the last thing you want to talk about is your IVF journey.

@dragonette505 Yes, if you share with those not familiar with IVF then you became a teacher, explaining all of the steps to the process. For some, it's not a big deal, for others, like myself, it can get annoying and I'd rather keep it brief.

greenhillgirl · April 2018

CourtRoseS Thanks for sharing. it's so interesting to hear everyone's different perspective. So many people on here share your feelings that having to tell more people after their first failed transfer was harder and that the next time around they didn't want to share as much. I've also let more people in as I've gone along but didn't feel that way after my first failed transfer last month. I was feeling awful and talking to my friends and family about it didn't make me feel any worse. If anything, I liked having more people to talk to so I didn't overburden one person. Maybe not right after- for some of my friends waiting to hear I just did a thumbs down emjoi. But later on, it was nice to have support.

hailey1207 · April 2018

@PosieJ I would like to wish you a good luck on your first IVF. Personally, I kind of understand your situation. Sometimes, we have this one side of friends and family who won't stop asking when we are having a child and then there's this other side who thinks having children is plain crazy. But, it's good also to have a family and friends to talk about how you feel, how you feel sucks of trying but can't conceive. Having a trusted family and friends is great so you don't have to go through this journey alone.

Do you tell your friends/family about your IVF cycles??

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