As a FTM I Wish I'd Know...February AMA/STM Tell-All

marcus7676 · February 2018

@helenbz have you gone on a hospital tour yet? The hospital will tell you if your H can stay overnight, if you have a private room, etc.

I think the tell-all for post-natal recovery is next month. So your second question will be dealt with in detail then. There is so much to cover that it might be easier to focus a whole thread on it.

doxiemoxie212 · February 2018

@helenbz you’ll have to ask your hospital about #1. My hospital only allows DH to stay over if I get and pay for a private room (which I’ll be happy to pay for if I’m able to get off the waitlist). Most hospitals outside nyc seem to give everyone private rooms at this point and encourage dad to stay but def hospital by hospital.

helenbz · February 2018

I haven’t done a hospital tour...it seems too early. There is only one hospital here I can use (the other is on the military base). I’ll plan to ask them about it at the birthing class though.

I definitely want him to stay...I’ll see what I can find out!

Thank you

marcus7676 · February 2018

@helenbz since you can only birth at one hospital, you are probably okay, but I have to pick my hospital by 28 weeks. I'm going on one tonight.

mytinc · February 2018

@helenbz - Have some super easy to make meals. Like pasta with jars of sauce, or a casserole that you can thaw and throw in the oven. You'll be hungry - especially if you're nursing, but you won't feel like cooking. Also have a lot of snacks handy that are easy to grab.

mytinc · February 2018

I think we've been focusing on postpartum, but if I haven't mentioned this before I want to mention this now...

If you're dilated and at a 10 it doesn't mean you have to push right away. If the baby hasn't dropped enough yet you could be pushing for hours. I had an epidural and was at a 10 but didn't feel any urge to push. The nurse gave me the option of waiting until I felt the urge to push or trying. I waited. For over an hour. When I finally said I wanted to try pushing I only pushed for 20 minutes.

Also, having the back of the bed up so you're kind of in a seated/reclined position will use gravity to help the baby drop down into place. I was induced both times and pretty much stuck in bed with my IVs and monitoring. With DS2 I was at a different hospital with a completely different experience and found sitting upright vs. on my back really made a difference in how my labor progressed.

doxiemoxie212 · February 2018

@mytinc oh that's interesting to hear, for some reason I thought if you got the epidural it wouldn't be possible to feel if you have the urge to push or not, but I'm glad to hear that isn't the case.

mytinc · February 2018

@doxiemoxie212 - With DS1 I was pretty numb and barely felt any urge to push. I swear I didn't feel it when I delivered his head, but I did feel his shoulders. He was 6lbs, 5 oz.

With DS2 it was completely different. The epidural wasn't as strong at that hospital - I could definitely feel my legs a bit more but the pain was gone. I was at a 10 when the doctor came in to FINALLY break my water (I had been a 10 for at least 90 minutes. It was a Saturday and they only had 2 high risk OBs at the hospital and the woman next door was having a preemie and complications so I was not top priority). The minute my water broke I had a definite urge to push. The doctor basically held in his head and called for NICU (due to his known heart issues the NICU staff needed to be there the moment he was born). Two minutes later the room was full of people and he came out with literally one push. I felt it all that time.

I'm not sure why the epidurals felt so different. I mean, they both worked, but I preferred the second one as I had more sensation with it but the pain was gone.

aharv77 · February 2018

@mytinc My epidural with DD was similar to your second one! I could feel my legs and felt the urge to push but no pain. I don't know if it had to do with the timing. I was almost 8cm when I got it, nearly to the point where it was almost too late to get one. I'm hoping to have the same type of experience this time around except not wait until the last second to get it!

mytinc · February 2018

The nurse during my second birth said if I planned to get an epidural he highly recommended getting it prior to my water being broken (doctors had to break my water both times). Once your water is broken contractions are worse, so I think that was part of it @harveyabbey77. I think I was around a 5 or 6 both times I had the epidural.

One hospital made DH leave the room while it was done and a nurse helped me stay still. The second hospital had DH stay and he was the one to hold me still (which he wasn't prepared for and it freaked him out a bit since he could see the needle and what was going on behind me).

marcus7676 · February 2018

I couldn't feel a thing with my epidural - my legs, an urge to push, DS being born - nothing. I also got it around 8 cm and it didn't work at all at first (back labor), which required them to keep adjusting it. I think they adjusted it too well because I felt nothing.

rnielsen321 · February 2018

They broke my water early when I was induced... They even need to put a heart monitor on DD's head while she was moving down... I was given a epidural at about 4 cm I think, then napped til I was 8 and again until 10 cm. I had more sleep than DH.

Oh, and I sent my DH home the first night after she was born. One of us needed to be well rested. And it sure wasn't going to be me. We, too, do not have nurseries in the hospitals I have seen in Canada. Your babe is either in your room, or the NICU.

kmurdock925 · February 2018

I definitely suggest having EASY meal plans ready (w/ pre-made grocery lists to send people to the store for produce/meat/etc)...have freezer meals ready (premade or store bought). Know who delivers to you because you WILL use it. Use a plated/home chef/whatever- so so easy. I'm probably going to go to the butcher and get a summer grill package- delicious and easy for DH to prepare.

amys614 · February 2018

Thank you everyone for sharing their advice. Its so helpful to have the inside information.

Any other FTM reaching the point of "oh sh&t this is really happening" I'm starting to get slightly freaked out about the process of birthing a baby. I know our bodies are meant to do it, but all the million what ifs in my brain are slightly overwhelming. What if the epidural doesn't work? What if I'm bad at pushing? What if something goes wrong? I know itll work out, but fear of the unknown is becoming real.

llamamama14 · February 2018

@mytinc @harveyabbey77 @doxiemoxie212 My hospital uses the patient-controlled epidurals so I push the button to up my dosage. In the past I've always pushed the button to the max, LOL, but I regret having zero sensation of pushing so this time I intend to ease off as I get closer to 10 cm.

Are people interested in a freezer meal/ easy prep meal thread in April? I'd be up for it. I know we talked about this and not everyone's a freezer meal fan but there are other easy ideas we could pass around. I for one use easy prep meals exclusively these days and could always use more ideas...

aharv77 · February 2018

@llamamama14 I would be interested in a meal prep thread in April!

helenbz · February 2018

Thank you all!

@llamamama14 ... I’m a FTM so excuse the ignorance...why would you regret not being able to feel things? Just outbofninterest because I think I’d be pushing the self regulation epidural to the max too. What’s the down side?

krash_ · February 2018

Not sure if this should go here or if it will be discussed at a later date but MH and I are updating our budget. We are both analysts...you should see this spreadsheet. I could tell you on any given day from now until 7/2019 (that's just as far out as we have done it) how much cash we will have on hand +/- $100 but I digress.

For all the STM+ how much would you say you budget for baby stuff each month. I would like to break it down to diapers, wipes, formula (if used) and misc and what frequency (ie monthly, bi-weekly, etc). I'm thinking we will just budget an extra $100 or so for random things. Also at what point did you notice your grocery bill going up? Obviously baby wont be eating solids until 6+ months but even at that point they wont be eating enough to really affect how much you spend on groceries. I'm thinking we wouldn't see an increase until 1 year?

ramennoodlegif · February 2018

@helenbz My epidural took better on one side than the other. To get them evened out, I maxed out what I was able to take. I could not feel to push and I think that caused me to push too vigorously, which led to 2nd degree tearing. Not to say that I wouldn't have had the same outcome otherwise, as DS was 8.5 lbs, but I'm with @llamamama14 on regretting no sensation while pushing.

marcus7676 · February 2018

@helenbz you want to feel the urge to push and the contractions themselves so you know when to push. You push during a contraction and without feeling it, you would have no idea and have to rely on the doctor / nurse / monitor telling you when to push.

llamamama14 · February 2018

@helenbz I didn't like being disconnected from the process and not being able to feel when my baby's head and shoulders came out. I think it would have been cool to feel that rather than relying on the people watching to tell me what the heck was going on down there.

The doc/nurse were coaching me on pushing but it was a guessing game for me because I had zero feeling from the waste down. I just scrunched up my face and hoped that pushing was happening.

It reminded me of when you go down to the basement to flip the fuses and you're shouting up the stairs "is the light on now?" I'm jealous of the people who got to see the light come on (see the baby come out.) I wish I could have felt it.

Other concerns women might have are an increased likely-hood of tearing because you push too hard, or slowing the pushing process. Like @kfren I had 2nd degree tears but that's pretty typical of a FTM and wasn't a hard recovery. (I have friends who didn't have an epi. and happened to have much worse tears because of baby's size, position, or just how their body does labor.)

It also didn't slow the process for me, I only pushed for 15 minutes and baby came out easily. My OB said some women just have short pushing times. I don't know what impacts this or if there's any validity to the theory that an epi. slows your pushing.

Anyways, I'm all about the epi. I just want to ease it up a bit before I push so I can feel a bit more.

aharv77 · February 2018

@krashke I'm little help on how much extra to budget for baby things because it's been so long for me but $100 a month feels about right between diapers, wipes and miscellaneous extras.

As far as the grocery bill, I didn't notice a huge spike in ours until DD started needing snacks and lunch for pre-school at 4 years old. Until that point, she had breakfast, lunch and 2 snacks per day provided at daycare which was built into our weekly daycare cost. She ate whatever we ate for dinners but at 1-3 years old wasn't a huge eater. I budget $100 a week for groceries for the three of us but usually end up spending closer to $75 since I mostly shop at Aldi & try to catch good sales at local grocery stores here.

kmurdock925 · February 2018

krashke - I'm terrible and haven't tracked bills too closely...I don't even want to speculate what i spent on formula and what I spend on diapers. I usually always buy more than I need as well given any particular sale going on at the moment and rewards points at my grocery, etc. What I can say though- DD is now 18 months and I probably noticed this expense around 10 months or so??...I spend SO MUCH MONEY on produce. My kid eats fruit like it is her job and produce is expensive. Weekly, produce alone, I usually buy a qt of strawberries, blueberries, and apples/oranges/bananas/grapes (one of these). As for regular meal food- I try to just feed her what we are eating unless it legit isn't toddler appropriate or I know she legit doesn't care for it (not just being picky). I keep a bag of nuggets or something like that on hand for those situations

llamamama14 · February 2018

@krashke I don't think you'll see much impact on your grocery bill in the first year. (Though some of the convenient baby food choices like pouches can be pricey.)

I have seen our monthly grocery bill go up about $100 from pre-kids to now (1 yo and 3 yo). Some of this increase, though, has been that I've started prioritizing organic fruits and veggies and organic milk. I didn't used to care so much before kids.

How much you spend on other general kid stuff in a month will really vary based on your lifestyle and shopping habits/priorities. Off the top of my head I listed (in spoiler) baby expenses you'll potentially incur in the first couple of years.

If you're curious about any specific category I can tell you how much we spend and give thoughts and the range of what you could expect to pay. I love budgeting!

-Daycare

-Babysitters

-Diapers and Wipes

-Formula
-Baby Food

-Clothes

--Activities (ie Mommy and Me Swim Classes or Music Classes, Gymboree, My Gym)

Miscellaneous Supplies for baby (things you didn't get on your registry that come up as wants/needs over the first couple years with baby like the next car seat, a high chair, an excersaucer, shoes, a winter coat)

-Doctor Visits
-Your own big medical bills for labor and delivery

Lolalipsy · February 2018

I wish I hadn't obsessed over BFing intervals. I worried when my daughter went longer than the 2-3 hours between feeds and when she fed every 60-90 minutes. I took her in weekly to be weighed (after a certain age it's supposed to be monthly here in the UK) because I was always unnecessarily anxious about weight gain. I just wish I had chilled out more. I have since read a lovely article on the topic and would advise to all other women that plan on BFing (https://www.emmapickettbreastfeedingsupport.com/twitter-and-blog/the-dangerous-game-of-the-feeding-interval-obsession)

Lolalipsy · February 2018

@Helenbz are you in the UK? If so, the birthing centres are the only places that allow the husband/partner to stay overnight. They definitely don't allow overnights if you delivered in the maternity suite. They're quite strict about that (my cousin is a MW at the hospital where I am). Sadly, partners have to stick to visiting hours after the birth.

Edit: regarding your other question, I haven't checked what others have replied but I would make some homemade meals and freeze them in advance. I had in things like a thermometer, and a bath thermometer, organic oil for baby massages, a selection of dummies (although we never used them), nipple shields if you plan on BFing. I bought far too many other things and to be honest they never got used. I would keep it simple, get basic care items.

Lolalipsy · February 2018

I expected my H to be brilliant - he was far from it. Don't get me wrong he was ok but my he didn't do many of the other things that other husbands did so I felt let down for a while. I felt like my life turned on its head but his barely changed at all (or rather that's my perception of it). So, I think my last advice would be to not compare your H to what other Dad's do. Mine was good in his own right and while he may have been a tad useless when my daughter was a baby (I just think he felt out of his depth) he has since made up for it now; he is the most patient, tolerant, kind and entertaining father. My daughter is lucky to have him.

mytinc · February 2018

I just saw this on Facebook and had to bring it here because I'd forgotten this about nursing - you put a lot more boob in the baby's mouth than just the nipple. That surprised me when I first did it.

https://www.facebook.com/ellentv/videos/786699334870987/

momac1919 · February 2018

I agree with everything said so far...I wish I would have stood up for myself and my feelings more after I brought DD home. My MIL was not given access to her other 2 grandchildren because my SIL is bat shit crazy so I felt the need to immediately let her do whatever she wanted to make up for it...in retrospect that was a huge mistake. I should have accepted the help when I needed it, but told her no when I needed time on my own to figure DD out. So I guess my advice is don't be afraid to ask for help, but don't be afraid to tell people (especially overeager family members) to leave you the heck alone for a little while either.

megara5 · February 2018

The advice I wish I'd been told as a FTM to a boy was that you need to point their penis down in the diaper, or they will pee out the top. It took a lot of wet outfits the first night home before I figured it out.

lisa2589 · February 2018

Going off @megara5’s diaper changing advice, slide a dry diaper under baby’s bum before taking the wet one off, that way there’s already something there to catch any stray pee or poop that might happen when the air hits them

ramennoodlegif · February 2018

@megara5 I remember very vividly the first time that happened to me. I was told at the hospital to do that, but when you're not used to doing it...

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/69/bh4lxbnmuura.jpg

MLS6212 · February 2018

@llamamama14 I also had a little button I could push to increase the meds from the epidural and when it came time to start pushing I hit the button once, "just in case". I could still feel my legs and the urge to push, but I had no sense of what my pushing was actually doing. The nurse and my OB kept telling me to put my chin into my chest and push "not from the bottom" so I imagine I was probably crapping all over the place (and probably what led to a hemorrhoid). After awhile, it felt more natural to throw my head back, grip the bedrails, and go to town, which seemed to be much more productive. After the fact I told the L&D nurse that I had tapped the button before I started pushing and she said unfortunately, that might have contributed to my not being able to feel whether my pushes were productive.

catlady1215 · February 2018

I thought of a good boy tidbit. washcloths! have washcloths near the changing area. cover him up as that diaper is coming off. it'll help stop the stream of pee! no need for those fancy 'pee pee covers' the stores sell.

ramennoodlegif · February 2018

@catlady1215 Yes! That tip works well in the bathtub, too. Use one rag to cover the nether regions and the other to bathe.

May14th2011 · February 2018

DD peed on me way more than DS did. So if you're having a girl, don't think that gets you out of being peed on, lol.
That being said, the number of times I got peed on, or even close to being peed on, was like 5 between two kids. Maybe my kids aren't big pee-ers? (I don't think that's a word but I'm having a brain fart so)

rnielsen321 · February 2018

Sitting in the OBs office yesterday, I was reminded of somethign I found remarkable, but completely forgot about... How noisy newborns are. Like DD was downright chatty! And the wee one in the waiting room yesterday was so noisy, in a grunting, snarfly, squeaky, giggly way. I was reminded how noisy they are. Even when they sleep.

katelynrae86 · February 2018

@rnielsen321 Yes, I'd forgotten that too. I would emphasize that they can be noisy especially while they sleep! It can be tough at first because you jump at every noise but half the time they're still sleeping. I know a few couples who moved LO out of their room sooner than planned so they could all get some sleep. I, on the other hand, found it comforting, to hear the little grunts and sighs because I knew he was okay without having to get out of bed

=caenis= · February 2018

Oooh just thought of something. One of the most useful things I did before LO's arrival was a birthing class. I really, really recommend this to FTMs.

The one I took was super thorough. We went through labor stats, how the progression normally works, when things tend to get intense, etc. Also breathing techniques and how to use these to get through contractions, how to adjust the technique based on your stage of labor, and practical advice on how your partner can use pressure points to numb/dull pain in your back/pelvic area. We also discussed all the various pain med options offered at some of the local hospitals, what to expect if you have a c-section, and so on. We even practiced different birthing positions.

It was a jam-packed 8 hours, but I would NOT have been prepared for birth without that class.

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