June 2018 Moms

As a FTM I Wish I'd Know...February AMA/STM Tell-All

llamamama14llamamama14 member
edited February 2018 in June 2018 Moms

This is February's "Ask me anything/ tell-all"

STMs enlighten (or terrify) the newbies. This month is pretty open ended: "As a FTM I wish I'd Known..."



The planned topics by month are in the spoiler. (Old threads can be bumped and alternative topics can be proposed.)

December-What to expect in 3rd tri./later in pregnancy 

January-1. Med-free/birth center/home birth
-2. C Section/VBAC (Have 2 simultaneous threads because these topics don't include everyone.)

February- As a FTM I wish I had known...

March-Postnatal recovery (mom's physical and mental health)

April-1. breastfeeding/pumping 2. Formula feeding

May- Signs of labor ("How soon after your bloody show did contractions start?" type questions)

June- Newborn care/ sleep



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Re: As a FTM I Wish I'd Know...February AMA/STM Tell-All

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  • Yes to what @MoonOverGoldsboro said. If you are concerned, for any reason, don't hesitate to go talk to the Dr. Even if everyone says it's not a big deal or you're being ridiculous. Don't be afraid to push it, even with the Dr. 
    Also, if your Dr is not listening to you, or don't click, switch Drs! It made such a difference when I switched with my daughter, things were so much better so quickly. A good Dr makes everything easier.
  • Oh my god, everything @mytinc said about your SO. I am a total control freak and it was hard for me to let my H figure his own ish out when I knew the exact right way to bounce my son so he’d stop crying. I had to really work on that!! And now my H has his own things he does “better” than me, and it was a huge part of his bonding with our son.
    Me: 34 
    Husband: 35
    Married: June 2007
    Son Max born 1/10/17
    BFP #2: 10/5/17; EDD: 6/11/18
  • Kinda tying into what @mytinc said about your SO: While I cannot speak for anyone else, my SO was petrified of holding babies for the longest time. When we had DD, I let him know that he was not the only one who was scared and nervous, and that babies will totally pick up on that in your posturing as you hold them. He was upset at first because he thought she didn't like him (which I told him was ridiculous because she was a newborn.) She would cry almost every time he held her, but I told him he just needed to up his confidence. Once he started to get used to holding her and realized she wasn't made of glass, he calmed down. 
    Do not let their initial lack of confidence (if they have one) prevent them from helping you and bonding with your baby. 
  • On the topic of letting your SO do things their way, them bonding with baby, and lacking confidence...we have a few babies in our lives so for the last year or so MH has been trying to familiarize himself with them. I think in general boys aren't encouraged as young adults to hold babies or babysit so he had never really been around them. I'm really glad that he has taken the initiative to ask to hold babies, typically I will have them and he will just ask me if he can take them. But he is lanky with long arms and unfamiliar with how to hold a baby. I try to give him pointers but he always looks uncomfortable and the baby looks uncomfortable. 

    Did you have to causally "train" YH's to know how to hold a baby or is that something that will come naturally after more exposure? I always just try to tell him to do what feels comfortable but I feel like his long arms and small babies just doesn't work. 
    *TW LC*
    Me & MH: 32
    DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU)
    TTC #2: 12/2019
    Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube
    Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN
    Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18

  • I echo everything that everyone has said so far!!

    Mom guilt is real.  I remember at the hospital I didn't realize it was mom guilt happening already but when they asked me if I wanted DD1 to sleep in the room with me or to go to the nursery.  I was so overwhelmed by that question.  I wanted my rest, I needed to sleep...but I was so afraid that also meant admitting I couldn't do it myself (which is ridiculous).  I had amazing nurses that talked to me and ensured that no matter what I chose was totally fine and went over feeding options with me and personal experiences.  You do what feels right.

    DH deployed when dd1 was 3 months old, and he isn't super comfortable with newborns/babies so I got  very used to doing everything myself (and it got to the point of feeling like failure if I asked for help...which is ridiculous).  When he got home from his trip when DD1 was 10 months old it was so hard for me to let go at that point.  Like someone said earlier you get to the point where you start to feel like no one else can do it right, which isn't the case- they will just do it differently.  It took some adjusting but we're all good now- but do NOT be afraid to let other people help.  It is not a sign of weakness, it does not make you a bad mother.

  • @krashke Yes and no on the training. I had to train DH, but more so to just relax, as opposed to how he was holding her. He's 6'4" and kinda in the same boat as YH; loves kids, especially babies, but never really had a lot of exposure up-close. He had some practice with second cousins and our nephew, but I don't think he was really comfortable until we got settled in at home. For DH, it was mostly just a matter of losing the tension in his upper body as he was holding her. 
  • @kmurdock925 Thanks for sharing that story about being in the hospital and trying to decide whether to send the baby to the nursery. I've heard stories that the nurses in the hospital where I'm delivering push really hard to get you go keep the baby with you. But, I know myself and I think I'll want them in the nursery, so I can get a little rest. I'm really nervous about dealing with that push back/guilt. 
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • @krashke - I'd recommend letting your SO have some kangaroo time with your child.  It will help everyone relax.  Skin on skin is great for both parents - not just mom.  And there is nothing better than having a napping newborn on your chest.  If your SO is in a recliner with baby on his chest he'll get a good feel of how to hold the baby.

     Daisypath Anniversary tickers


    First Son - born 2013
    Second Son - born 2014 - Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS) and Double Outlet Right Ventricle (DORV).  First open heart surgery at 5 days old.  He's had 3 open heart surgeries and several other procedures and is currently doing amazing.
    Third Son - due June 9, 2018
  • @MoonOverGoldsboro I have quite the same memory of DH learning to change a diaper and swaddle DD while I was trying to rest in the hospital bed! I was and still am amazed how naturally those infant cares came to him. To be honest I had never been around infants much either and so we both really learned from each other as we went. 


    Pregnancy Ticker
  • @mytinc we are taking Bradley classes and they really encourage skin to skin with the dad's too. I don't think he even considered it but when they brought it up in class, saying dad's make sure you also pack something for skin to skin like a zip up or button down, he was really into it. 
    *TW LC*
    Me & MH: 32
    DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU)
    TTC #2: 12/2019
    Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube
    Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN
    Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18

  • LaceyBee522  it was such an overwhelming thing I wasn't prepared for.  DH actually was asking me about it this week on what my plans are.  Our first night in the hospital was kind of rough.  I had her in the room with me (as that is what all the books, etc say) and DD woke up SCREAMING around 1am from being hungry.  I didn't realize that it had been several hours since she ate instead of the every 2 hours she had been eating all day.  She woke up HANGRY.  She had a great latch all day and ate really well but she was so upset and hungry she couldn't calm down enough to try and latch.  I hit the call button and got the psa- she told me to try skin to skin and we were soooo far past that helping...she sent the nurse and I told her I needed formula- she NEEDED to eat. She got me formula and because I had noted that I was going to be nursing I had to sign a form saying it was okay and she had to talk to me about pumping...again...it all turned out totally fine.  It was just a big learning experience...my kid gets hangry. 

    I did decide to let her to go the nursery the 2nd night.  They offered to bring her into my room to nurse every few hours or they could give her a bottle.  I decided to let them give her a bottle so I could get some rest...ha, she broke them.  They advise to only give newborns 10cc of formula...so they gave her that much and took the bottle away...she SCREAMED...so much they gave in and gave her more, haha.  THey said that doesn't happen often and that she had a set of lungs.  To this day she still gets hangry, lol

  • @kmurdock925 omg I completely forgot how overwhelmed I was in the hospital. Question after question. I got to the point where I shut down and couldn't answer anymore questions. DH had to step in and take over, and they were completely normal questions. What's his name? Do you want a photo shoot, are you nursing. I was just so tired. 
  • @lisa2589 Oh man, my H was so much better at swaddling than me! He was so proud.  :) I babysat when I was a teenager, but I was never a big baby person, so I felt like I had a pretty big infant learning curve, too. I have such good memories of those early months when my H and I were figuring stuff out, and laughing at ourselves about how weird but also awesome it was. Feeling sort of misty-eyed now!
    Me: 34 
    Husband: 35
    Married: June 2007
    Son Max born 1/10/17
    BFP #2: 10/5/17; EDD: 6/11/18
  • @LaceyBee522 Send those babies to the nursery! My hospital is so pushy about "rooming-in" that they don't even have a nursery. (Otherwise I would!) I get that it promotes bf-ing but dude mom just went through labor and needs some rest. 

    @krashke I wouldn't worry about training DH. When it's their kid they become a pro.  Advice from @mytinc is spot on about letting DH figure ish out on their own. I did find that DH felt more confident as baby got a bit older and wasn't nursing as frequently. Early on if you breastfeed baby does needs/wants to be with mom most of the time because of the boobs. (I found this made me feel trapped/overwhelmed but it's temporary.)

    Agree with how the sleep deprivation is so much harder than I expected. I remember at 3 months in thinking "WTF I'm still not getting any sleep but no one's asking how I'm doing anymore as if I should be back to normal."




  • @doxiemoxie212 when DS was born, I had never held another baby (except for my sister 30 years ago).  I was stuck in bed so H changed all the diapers. I don't think I changed a diaper until H went back to work after 2 weeks!

    And your H's will surprise you - - natural instinct will take over with their kid.  H was so good at holding DS (much better than me!).

  • llamamama14  yes!  It can become so isolating...for some reason I felt like I had to nurse/rock her in the nursery.  I missed a lot of shows/the Olympics/basic conversation because I sat in the nursery in the rocking chair for HOURS at a time...when I realized that it was ok to rock her in the recliner in the family room it was revolutionary. 
  • @kmurdock925 I wish my hospital had even given me the option to have DD go to the nursery.  I was so overwhelmed and DD would scream and cry unless she was attached to my nipple.  I barely got any sleep and when the night nurse would come into my room she would yell at me for laying down with her (she had been attached for hours).  I hated this woman- it's been 13 months and I still HATE her with every ounce of my body.  I moved since having DD and will be having this LO at a different hospital.  I am hoping that the night nurse isn't horrible- but I am also planning on sending DS to the nursery for at least a couple hours at night.
    me 35/ DH 39
    married 8/22/2015
    BFP#1- 4/2014 edd 1/1/15 mmc/d&c 6/2014
    BFP#2- 10/2015 edd- 6/29/2016 mmc/ d&c 12/2015
    BFP#3- 4/30/2016 DD1 12/27/16
    BFP#4- 9/26 edd 6/5/18

  • +1 for the binge-watching while nursing (cause @llamamama14 gave an accurate summation of what you will most likely be watching instead.)

    I don't have Netflix (yeah, I know) but with DD, I watched a ton of Law & Order SVU on USA  and watched all of My So-Called Life (Jordan Catalano, le sigh) on dvd. 
  • @llamamama14 - right?!?!  Looking back it is such a DUH moment!  I wasn't even thinking that newborns sleep ANYWHERE and don't need dark/quiet and a tv wouldn't remotely be an issue.  So much wasted time, lol.

  • If you have a csection, stay on top of your pain meds while in the hospital. Don't try to tough it out, take them regularly. Usually the Dr will only send you home with ibuprofen, so take advantage of the good meds while you can, and it will help you a lot. The pain is worst the first three or so days, if you stay on top of the meds, by the time you go home, ibuprofen is usually enough to cover it. 
  • I agree with the ladies above. And a few things I have passed on to my new mom friends... 

    - Don't be a hero... or martyr if you will. This echoes what is said above. Ask for help, ask lots of questions, get people to come with you to appointments, don;t be afraid to state your needs, and ask for help. Sleep if someone says they will relieve you. Tell them to do the dishes, fold the laundry, or send someone who will. And your partner will figure their own way out.

    Products:
    - Stool Softener - Take it. Take it regularly. Do not stop. Do not run out. I literally gift a bottle to each new mom when I go visit. Not sexy, but glorious. Believe me.
    - Pads. Big ones. Big overnight with wings pads. Buy them. Lots. Prep your partner to know which ones you need. You need more that you think. Buy them. In fact, that is something I will stock up on. Mama diapers. And keep em for your first menses post partum. 
    - Peri Bottle - Your best friend. Take as many of them from the hospital as you can. Thank me later.

    Breastfeeding was super easy and natural for me and my DD. No pain, no latch issues, easy peasy. But only lasted 4 months. She was fed formula and breast milk, but leaped to solids at the first taste, and never looked back. Literally never went back!! We were full on formula and solids. And that was it. I wanted to feed her longer, but she was not having it. We just kinda went with the flow. She was healthy and happy, so... que cera cera. 

    Post Natal muscle pains - Like cramping, and tension and weird feelings as your body starts to return to itself. No one warned me that there would be Pain like that weeks later. Crazy. Almost had DH take me to emerge. 


    Mama to a wonderful DD - Sep 2015, Wife to my DH since 2011, 2 dogs, a cat, and hoping to add No. 2 in May/June 2018. Canadian.
    5 - IUIs, 3 - IVF retrievals, 2- failed transfers (fresh, and frozen), PGS on second IVF resulted in 1 perfect emby, and DD. 
    3rd IVF w PGS resulted in 3! perfect embys. 1st transfer - Sep 2017 2 more on ice. 
  • As a FTM, I avoided this thread because of the first post...but it was helpful! Thank you for not terrifying the newbies. :)

    I have a few questions though...

    1. No hospital here has a nursery. Seems they are generally moving away from offering this option in this country and other countries too. Even ten years ago in Britiain, we didn’t have nursery’s for new babies. I wasn’t really expecting to have that option so I’m not disappointed...but I’m interested in other options for getting sleep the first night after birth? Can hubby stay with me? 

    2. What should I prep at home for those first few days? What do I need to make sure I have in my cupboards or fridge? The suggestion of pre sterilized bottles, formula, pads, stool softener etc were helpful! What else?? 
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