STMs+: Biggest Surprises in the early weeks

ladythrice · January 2018

I was commenting on another thread today and my comment made me think about things that surprised me most after my first was born.

I'd love to read what stories of things that surprised other moms in those early weeks after their first kiddos were born. DISH MOMMAS!

ladythrice · January 2018

I had two things that shocked me:

1. I was desperate to have my mom with me when we got home from the hospital. When I was pregnant, I actually called my mom and asked her to please not be mad at me if when we came home with the baby I asked her to leave so that DH and I could bond without her (and my Dad/Sister/Brother) in the house as well. I was really upset when I asked her, nervous that I would offend her, but she assured me she'd do whatever I needed.

Flash forward to DS being two weeks old and my parents finally leaving after having been there the whole time... I was standing in the doorway watching their car pull away crying because I didn't want them to go! From the moment we got home from the hospital my mom, and my whole family but my mom mostly, made our lives easier. She fed us, did our laundry, held the baby so we could nap, helped me in the bathroom, held me while I cried over nothing, and helped me with my breastfeeding struggles.. She was amazing and my rock and I'm so thankful that she comes to spend those early days with me after my kids are born. She's a lifesaver.

2. I had a hard time adjusting to the whole 'my life now revolves around somebody else, not me' thing. I don't (didn't) consider myself a particularly selfish, self-absorbed person, but it was still challenging to have 100% of my energy and focus be on the baby instead of myself. It caused me intense anxiety and one of the oddest feelings... One week after DS was born I remember crying telling DH that I missed him desperately. We were home together the entire week, he never left my side, but having my focus on something other than him and I caused me to feel like we were missing time together... Seems silly now but lordy those feelings were strong!

rmmorris · January 2018

I commented this elsewhere but I was very naive about postpartum body changes. I never got very uncomfortable at the end of my pregnancy and stayed active right up until going to the hospital. I think that made me underestimate the postpartum period. I could barely sit (episiotomy), couldn’t walk very far without getting winded, baby blues, painful nipples, etc. This time around I’m buying/making anything and everything that makes that period more comfortable.

mountainsmama · January 2018

@ladythrice I had the same experience as far as my emotional attachment to my mom and husband. My mom came out on my due date and I went ten days past due, and she was driving me sort of crazy during that time (I was super irritable and emotional). I was worried she would make me crazy post-baby. Fast forward to the day she had to fly home and I'm bawling driving her to the airport. It was SO nice to have her around helping us.

I also felt super intense feelings of "don't leave me" when my DH had to leave on his first work trip, maybe 3 weeks after the baby was born. He was only going for one night and I felt SO sad about it. That really caught me off guard because he travels all the time, my brother was visiting to help out, and we sort of had a routine at that point. But I think my brain, consciously or not, was so aware of how vulnerable baby and I were right after birth, and how important it is to have your tribe around!

ladythrice · January 2018

@mountainsmama, SO TRUE! I'm a very independent person. I moved half-way across the country from my family for my job and had been living here for years, met DH, got married, starting planning kids etc. Even while married considered myself self-sufficient and somewhat independent. But when the baby came out... it vanished in a second. I definitely found solace in having my tribe around me!!!

lindsye · January 2018

The sleep deprivation. Even after my last baby - my third time to have one - I remember being shocked at how tired I was and thinking “how do people survive this??” After my first baby, it was the first time in my life that I had such fractured, disrupted sleep every night for any length of time; I had done it briefly for finals or taking the bar, but with a newborn it just goes on and on. At least with the first one you can nap when the baby naps, though. With babies 2 and 3, when I could not nap with the baby whenever I wanted to, I remember literally crying because I was so tired. I also remember feeling basically depressed because you are exhausted and even when night time is approaching, you know where is no promise (and often very little chance) of getting sleep.

I know there is huge variability to how much babies sleep and how soon, and in the past I have certainly been on the bad end of that spectrum. I have also had a ton of family support from my parents, so I know it could have been even worse. But it’s still one of those things that seems to shock me Every. Single. Time.

fancybelmont · January 2018

The toughest things for me were:
1. Pooping is difficult postpartum. Don't hold it in though, just go. It might hurt a little the first time post delivery.
2. Your body feels all out of whack. You look different and feel different. It's okay to mourn that loss. Things will slowly become normal and get better.
3. A baby screaming and crying for hours on end IS NOT NORMAL. Yes, babies cry and are fussy, but don't wait to talk to your pedi. I didn't figure out my son had reflux for the first 2 months b/c I just thought babies cried a lot.
4. Take care of yourself. Don't wait to eat or pee. You being healthy is extremely important. Be honest with yourself and your OB if you are feeling lousy. Again, I waited and suffered needlessly for a long time. PPD can be sneaky.
5. Ask for help if you need it. I thought I'd want to be all alone and bond with the baby. In reality, I needed and wanted the help.
6. Don't worry about chores and housework. No one is judging you if the laundry is piling up or there are dishes in the sink.
7. IT GETS BETTER! It gets easier. Sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there is one. Having a newborn is hard work. The hardest work you'll ever do. Do whatever you've gotta do to survive.

Puddlewonderful · January 2018

For me it was the irrational feeling that my world revolves around him now- but taking it a weird step further, that because my world revolves around him I could never, ever have another baby. I was overwhelmed with that thought and believed it to be sane and 100% true.

Clearly I got over it

irenejean · January 2018

1. PP bleeding and clots, this has been mentioned in other threads, but it did surprise me how long and how much I bled after delivery.
2. I'm a runner and waited about 6 weeks pp to start running again, I wasn't ready for how uncomfortable running would feel. It basically felt like my insides were going to fall out. I took it really slowly and it eventually got better, but it took some time to feel completely normal again.
3. PP sex hurt for a while, lube helps.
4. As soon as I thought DS was falling into a routine/schedule things would change. I learned quickly to go with the flow.
5. I was surprised how awesome my first stretch of 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep felt. Things seemed to get so much easier once we regularly got that one long stretch of sleep each night.

mcb2016 · January 2018

1. I was surprised that it took me at least a week to feel crazy in love with my baby. I loved him at first sight but a week later the love was just much more than I anticipated.

2. Even my sweat pants felt weird and too tight for a while.

3. I could live on much less sleep than I ever thought possible.

kaymaroo · January 2018

1. I bonded with DS immediately, but for the first few weeks he also felt a little like a stranger. That probably doesn't make much sense, but as much as I loved him I also didn't know him at all. It took a good 3-4 weeks before I finally felt like he was *my* baby.
2. How much I should have taken it easy the first week or two. I thought I could go back to doing everything and it slowed my recovery down as a result. I should have listened when people told me not to bend, lift, walk around so much at first.
3. Things came much more naturally than I thought they would. I'd always been nervous around other people's newborns (and I still am!) but with my own I was pretty relaxed and comfortable taking care of him.

luna8433 · January 2018

Breast feeding was my biggest surprise. My boobs hurt. I got engorged and they hurt from being so full. Also learning to latch was a struggle even when he did latch properly it my boobs were sore so it hurt to feed for about 2 weeks. I am glad I stuck with it because it is such great bonding time for us.

kmalls · January 2018

I had heard vague warnings beforehand, but I was absolutely not prepared for how hard a newborn is on a marriage. Any issue we had prior to the baby came rearing it’s ugly head while we were at the height of exhaustion and overwhelmed-ness with our new life as parents.

The first weeks and months were HARD on us and we worked really freaking hard to improve our communication and level of honesty with each other. The issues were from surprising sources (as in, not directly baby-related. For instance it turned out my husband was very insecure about his relationship with my parents and that led to some epic arguing before I figured out what the root cause of his anger was).

All the work we did as a couple paid off in spades: even though baby #2 was a waaaay more difficult infant than #1, we were able to get through it as a couple so much better and we experienced none of the arguing that we did with our first. So: don’t ignore any issues or lingering resentments — deal with that shit quickly and grow from it!

riversdoctor · January 2018

Not with my first but with my second, how uneducated doctors can be on breastfeeding and how hard it is to get tongue ties identified and repaired! Had I not had a “normal” latch with dd i would have listened to all the docs and midwives telling me baby’s latch was fine and I was the reason it hurt so badly and he wasn’t gaining and gave up right away but I knew how it was “suppposed” to feel and kept digging. After 2 physicians and a lactation consultant told me his mouth was fine he just wasn’t gaining and it was my fault, It took a pediatric dentist 4 hours away less than 5 minutes to see the ties (and the damage!) and laser them! Miraculously we nursed pain free for the first time and his gain to catch right back up!

beach_mama · January 2018

Newborns are super loud sleepers. I actually thought something was wrong w dd1 bc of all the growling, snarfing and grunting she did at night. This was the biggest reason i kicked her out of our room at 1 month old - i couldn't sleep in between feedings w all the noise!

ngolimento · January 2018

I was really shocked at how profoundly and instantly my brain changed. It was like I became a different person. I instantly went from being someone who doesn't like to cuddle to not liking to put my baby down. I went from being someone who disliked being around kids to smiling at other babies. I almost instantly shed thinking of myself first in every situation, and shifted to my world being focused on my baby's needs. It was creepy and weird, but I feel the change was a positive one. I'm softer, more patient, more social, and generally more understanding of people.

It's weird to suddenly become a different person overnight.

Dumbgurl04 · January 2018

1. How natural it was to jump into mother mode. I was always uneasy around newborns and babies before I had my own kids. So I thought I would be tense with DD but I was amazed at how relax I was.
2. Not being able go at my normal pace. I went to the store a few days after getting home just to get out and I had to slow down and sit for a second because PP bleeding is no joke.

lindsye · January 2018

Dumbgurl04 said:

1. How natural it was to jump into mother mode. I was always uneasy around newborns and babies before I had my own kids. So I thought I would be tense with DD but I was amazed at how relax I was.
2. Not being able go at my normal pace. I went to the store a few days after getting home just to get out and I had to slow down and sit for a second because PP bleeding is no joke.

And speaking of the grocery store, never again will it be as simple as running out to get a few things. A quick trip to the store will now entail packing up a newborn and all their paraphernalia while hustling through the store as quickly as possible, hoping they don’t scream (and let’s not even get started on taking toddlers to the store

). What was once a quick errand will now take literally twice the time, and if you want to actually brush your teeth and put on some makeup before getting out? Good luck!

-T- · January 2018

With DS, he was in the nicu for so long I felt like a caretaker and it was really hard to bond. I pumped and didn’t have a lot of the normal connections, I cried a lot but it was because I was scared of everything going on medically with him. But with DD, omg it was so totally different. Oh my gosh, the tears!!! Holy cow I cried all the time. I wasn’t depressed, I was just so happy she was healthy and I didn’t want her to grow up. That shocked me and I thought I was going crazy. I called my mom and sister all the time because I was convinced I was the only one who sobbed at nothing. That was probably the biggest thing that surprised me, and after those first 2 weeks I pretty much went back to normal!

millieb14 · January 2018

the detached feeling in the first week or so. You’re physically drained and emotionally/hormonally a wreck. I just kept waiting for that maternal feeling and it didn’t come until almost 3 weeks when she smiled at me for real. Then I was obsessed with being with her. Breastfeeding hurts at first but gets easier pretty quickly.

The biggest thing I think is how my husband and I were so shocked at how different our life was overnight. And when you’re in the moment and it’s your first you don’t realize that it just gets easier and easier (and in my opinion, more and more fun).

whatabout2ndbreakfast · January 2018

Postpartum recovery. Hurting all over, my tear, walking was hard for the first week, I didn't do stairs for like 3 weeks. The cramping when you nurse - I read about it but oh man that was intense.

A positive surprise about the sleep deprivation, at least at first, was that I was sort of used to waking up at night and the adrenaline from the first couple days makes it hard to actually sleep.

The mama bear emotions caught me off guard too. With DS I didn't want to let anyone hold him. I'm thinking that will be different this time around.

angiek1 · January 2018

I totally echo all the PP feels. I will also say I struggled with body image issues. Something that helped me with #2 is I bought more loose fitting shirts that I felt forgave my imperfections and kept me from getting depressed about things.
Another one for me was shutting off work. I am a person who spends 60 hours a week away from home at work. It is tough to just turn that brain off the day the baby is born. Something that worked better with #2 vs. #1 is I transitioned my work load a month before baby was due. I spent my last four weeks training, shadowing, encouraging and felt that I was able to leave work knowing things were going to be fine and that the team was set up for success. With my first I was literally emailing about deadlines, projects, etc. while I was in the L&D room. For #3 I am starting to transition my workload on 3/1 this time around and I think that will help check out.

whatabout2ndbreakfast · January 2018

@angiek1 Great point about work and great advice! I also had a hard time letting go of work the first time.

kmalls · January 2018

Oh! I thought of another one. I was really surprised to find out I’m waaaay more type A about cleaning than I ever knew before. While, yes, it’s totally and completely fine (more than fine!) to let go of the housework and not stress about messes, it’s ALSO fine if you need to clean.

I discovered I’m a calmer, more patient, happier parent when my house doesn’t look like a bomb went off in it. Hiring a house cleaner took away a lot of stress, but I’ve also learned to let go of any guilt when I let my kids play by themselves for a little while so I can de-clutter or load the dishwasher. You know those memes that go around on FB that say “sorry my house is a mess, my children are making memories?” I freaking HATE those as they seem to imply you’re not a good parent if your house is any other way.

All that to say: it’s TOTALLY FINE if your house is a mess, but you’re also not a horrible parent if you require a little organization to stay sane!

nessa1632 · January 2018

@kmalls I am totally one of those people who needs a little organization to stay sane and I’m worried about feeling anxious pp about a messy house and knowing I’m not going to have the resources to clean myself (sidenote: we have a big German Shepherd aka German shedder so it’s a legit mess with fur bunnies running rampant if left unchecked). I am thinking about hiring a cleaner but I know we can’t afford weekly or biweekly. Do you think monthly would make a difference? Or would I basically be wasting my money?

ftm_ohio · January 2018

@nessa1632 my grandmother has a house cleaner who only comes once a month, she just does the deep clean type stuff: blinds, behind the toilet, fan blades, shower/tub, deep cleans on the carpet (that one isn't monthly), just the stuff that all of us should do, but probably aren't getting to as often as we'd like between the dishes, laundry and cooking.

kmalls · January 2018

@nessa1632 yup, ^^ everything she said. Having a periodic deep clean would absolutely be worth it. Call around to get quotes and then have whoever you hire be on-call for when you go into labor — the best thing EVER is to come home from the hospital to a sparkling clean house! Our person is always willing to be flexible enough to add an additional cleaning whenever baby decides to make his/her appearance.

ladythrice · January 2018

@nessa1632, I think monthly would definitely help. Like @ftm_ohio said, the cleaners can take care of all the deep cleaning things for you so you don't have to worry about them. We have our cleaner come biweekly and its enough for us. Sometimes, life happens, and we have to alter our schedule and we'll go 3-4 weeks between cleanings. I'm a little anxious by the time she gets there lol but we survive! It'll be a relief for you no matter what. Also, you might want to consider a roomba! They've really started coming down in price and can help a lot with animal fur!

rmmorris · January 2018

@nessa1632 we do monthly cleaning. Seconding that it’s mostly deep cleaning stuff that I know I’m never going to have time for. It honestly makes a huge difference. @kmalls I am also super type a about cleaning. Just the act of cleaning itself is a stress reliever for me.

Laundry on the other hand is the bane of my existence. I’m really tempted to use a laundry service through our building to get me through the newborn stage.

irenejean · January 2018

@kmalls @nessa1632 @ftm_ohio @ladythrice @rmmorris Speaking of cleaning, we too have a cleaner who comes over every other week, but since we'll soon be paying for two in daycare, we're considering our options to cut back on cleaning. So I came across Clean Mama (she has a book called Simply Clean, a blog, website, and a facebook group, and she's on Instagram), and the information I'm getting from her stuff is really helpful. We won't make any major cutbacks to our cleaning until after the newborn days, but we're already incorporating some of her tips and scheduling system and it's making a big difference in our day to day home upkeep. As another type A clean person, I thought I'd share!

Edited to add: Her book is a great resource, but all the information can be found on her blog and her instagram posts for free. The book just collects all the information in a more organized way.

danjoly · January 2018

I feel like I have so many!! Maybe I wasn't prepared after all

1- my boobs were a constant source of pain, from the milk coming, to latching, to feeding. I felt more boob pain than csection scar pain.
2- speaking of csection scar, the numbness was driving me crazy. the first few weeks, it wasn't pain but just not feeling my stomach (think having a numb mouth from the dentist) was really hard. As the nerves was healing, it got kind of itchy but scratching felt too weird. I drove myself nuts googling and seeing it could be a permanent thing. it did take 4-6 months to be back to normal but it wasn't has bad as the first 3-4 weeks.
3- how it took me a little while to feel like DS was mine. I loved him but not how I was expected it. Hard to explain but it took a while to feel the omg I'm sooooo in love with you feeling
4- How little appetite I had for 2 weeks. Probably a mix of sleep deprivation, pain killers and just not having time to feed myself but I was feeling full after like 2 bites and had to force myself to eat
5- It's the opposite of some of the girls, but I didn't want visitors and I was so ready for my mom to leave after 2 days. I just wanted my little bubble with DH and DS.
6- Sleep deprivation didn't bother me at all at first. I would get up and even sometime was wide awake MOTN when DS was sleeping. It hit me in the face around 2 months, when exhaustion just overwhelmed me.
7- the fucking PP bleeding that takes forever to stop. I was told they "clean" a lot after a csection so I didn't expect to bleed for so long. It was never crazy heavy after 3 days but it just lasted for 7 weeks. I had 2-3 days where it would almost stop and I was ecstatic about it and then bam back again. I hated the pads, and the mesh underwear and the whole thing in the middle of July heat.
8- how much newborn poops!!
9- how obsessed I would be with his weight gain. DS was tiny, 5lbs10oz when we brought him home and was basically off the curves for 2 months so that was a big source of stress.
10- how long and how quick the newborn period is. Days seems never ending and then suddenly bam you no longer have a newborn!

midnight-muse · January 2018

The first poop after giving birth. Killer. (I think someone else said this too!) I cried all the while I gripped onto anything I could

I didn't realise it would be a little bit like giving birth all over again!

I didn't realise that it was possible to fall asleep sat bolt up right. It was a fear of mine as I breastfed at three in the morning. The TV was my best friend that kept me company.

How frustrating it was to forget a bottle of water before I sat down to breastfeed! I'd sit there so thirsty as my son drank me dry! Feeding babies makes me soooo thirsty.

I didn't realise that every. Little. Thing would make me cry.

fancybelmont · January 2018

@midnight-muse
YESSSSS. I was so thirsty while breastfeeding. If I forgot to get some water it was like torture.

*Note to self, buy a gigantic water bottle to keep by my side.

angiek1 · January 2018

@midnight-muse great point about having water when breastfeeding. My H would get so annoyed b/c I would always ask him to get me a water. He was always like you should just have it in your spot (I tend to sit in the same chair to BF.)

ladythrice · January 2018

I absolutely have a ridiculous collection of water bottles courtesy of breastfeeding... They are all over the house, strategically placed near anywhere I might sit

@danjoly YES! The numbness from the C/S!!! That was so freaking weird and drove me batty. And honestly yes to pretty much everything you said... I bled longer than 'they' say a C/S patient will. I developed anxiety over watching my kid's weight gain, and the newborn period of my kids is both the longest and shortest events of my life!

bchalm · January 2018

1. How drowsy breastfeeding made me. During the day I would call my mom while BF, and she could alwsys tell when DD was getting the good stuff. That brings me to my #2.
2. BF can be hard. I didn't realize until much later that I never had that initial engorgement and never really produced quite enough. I had doctors and LC's tell me she was latching great, nothing to worry about. When I finally gave in to FF, life got so much better for me and DH.
3. How DD felt more like an obligation and less like someone I wanted to care for. I felt and still feel so guilty about how I felt those first couple of months. When she turned like 2 months, I was madly in love and looked at her as my partner in crime. And Iv'e been sad to leave every stage since then.

whatabout2ndbreakfast · January 2018

I have another one - DS was an abnormal pooper. Like the first week of his life he didn't poop AT ALL (this was tied to my BF issues I think) but even after we started supplementing he definitely didn't poop all day. He only went once a day and this was different than a lot of my friends' experiences but it was normal for DS. I kept track of wet and poopy diapers for weeks!

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