How to communicate with a friend/family member?

scottishlass1213 · January 2018

I thought about posting this in weekly questions but I didn't want it to get lost with all the other questions and it's so specific I think that maybe there are a few of us in this situation?

I'm having a tough time with my best friend. In general she's a pretty emotionless person and doesn't talk about feelings or issues, handle confrontations, etc.

We've been friends for 16 years. She has been sort of TTC'ng for over a year, (not preventing but not trying) but she never thought she wanted a kid - it was more for her husband, but as time went on, it grew on her. She knew we would TTC for #2 starting in the summer, which we did and got pg. Anyways, in September she ended up having a D&C for a blighted ovum. I reached out to her a lot, sent flowers, and a few weeks after that she was open to going to brunch and having a relaxing spa day. She wasn't sure if she wanted to try again, at least for a while because understandably, that's a very tough experience.

So when I found out I was pg, I told her because she knew we were trying and I wanted to tell her in case she had any emotions etc. Well, this was 7 weeks ago. I'm 11 weeks now. We generally email several times a week while at work and I have seen her once. She doesn't bring it up and so I don't and now I am nearing finding the gender and actually starting to show and I just don't know what to do! Do I just finally bring it up and say something? Do I wait until she wants to acknowledge it? It's really eating at me but I don't want to upset her any further but now I am starting to feel sad about it. I wish we were both pg at the same time!

I'd love to share with anyone that may be in a similar situation.

lalala2004 · January 2018

@scottishlass1213 I don’t see what the problem is? You are just dying to talk to her about the pregnancy, and she just isn’t bringing it up? If you don’t think she wants to talk about it.... Don’t talk about it. There should be other things to talk about. It doesn’t matter if you find out the gender and are showing... I really doubt she is forgetting that you are pregnant.

calimom2524 · January 2018

This is so so tough. I was struggling on if I should post in my smaller mom group on FB (there's 18 of us) because one mama in there is struggling to TTC due to PCOS and her being overweight. Ultimately I decided to announce and was glad I did. It prompted an important conversation that we can be happy for one another and have feelings of jealousy as long as they aren't going to be toxic.

If you and her are really as close as you are I would address it with her. I would just let her know you are very sympathetic (or is it empathetic? I'm admittedly not very good at determining between the two) to her situation but also feel sad that you feel you can't really talk about it with her. It may strike a chord and cause possible tension but in the long run it will probably be healthier if you bring it up now vs. feeling guilty about your own good news the whole time.

msmonalisavito · January 2018

lalala2004 said:

@scottishlass1213 I don’t see what the problem is? You are just dying to talk to her about the pregnancy, and she just isn’t bringing it up? If you don’t think she wants to talk about it.... Don’t talk about it. There should be other things to talk about. It doesn’t matter if you find out the gender and are showing... I really doubt she is forgetting that you are pregnant.

This is where I'm at. I'd just continue with the friendship as you normally would and when she's ready to talk, she will.

delujm0 · January 2018

She may still be hurting from her blighted ovum and doesn't want to have to talk about your healthy pregnancy all the time. A blighted ovum is still, essentially, a miscarriage. She would have still had positive HPTs and thought she was pregnant until her first ultrasound. My BFF went through the same thing when she was first trying to get pregnant. She was really really upset about it, and I can imagine that talking to her pregnant friends about their pregnancies would have been hard for her, at least until she was pregnant again.

You don't have to talk about your pregnancy with your best friend, you can talk about all sorts of other things. I haven't even told anyone other than DH (and one close friend who is an OBGYN because I wanted some advice) about my pregnancy, and I won't until my NIPT comes back, which won't be for another month at least. I will somehow survive. That's why this forum exists. So you have an outlet for your pregnancy discussions among women in similar circumstances.

When I got pregnant with DD1, my very close friend had started TTC the same month as I did. She had a number of issues and wasn't successfully pregnant until I was pregnant with #2. She had multiple losses during that time. I never brought up my pregnancy or my kid unless she asked about it first, to be respectful. I can't imagine how painful it must have been for her to know that she could have had a child around the same age as DD1 (she miscarried a few months into my pregnancy) and she didn't.

Just give her some time and talk about other things.

neeraja_k · January 2018

@lalala2004 I could be mistaken, but I think the problem is that the OP wants to be excited and be able to talk about all the things changing and how exciting it is right now, but her bestie is being vague and non-communicative. And I fully understand it, after TTC when my SIL came up pregnant for the second time, I didn't want to talk to her and be reminded of my failures.

Personally I'd just go out to lunch and feel her out...find out what's on her mind, if something is eating at her, maybe her own TTC has hit a roadblock. Or it could simply be that she's struggling with her feelings about you being pregnant and talking to you makes her feel worse. Try to be honest with her, that's what BFF's are for.

In my world I'm on the other end of the spectrum. My BFF is smothering me and I'm trying to work out how to tell her to back off and leave me alone for a while without hurting her feelings. She's extremely sensitive right now with her own marriage in doubt and the threat of us moving away, and she's on a new hormone regimen that makes her ridiculously emotional.

She comes to visit, staying entire weekends, week after week. She's always messaging me, like literally the moment I wake up and look at my phone to see what the time it is, she's messaging me, seeing that I'm online, and then asks how I slept, noting the time I went inactive. It's honestly made me want to log out of Facebook for good.

I haven't felt like talking to her about my pregnancy lately because nothing much has changed. Food is gross, I'm queasy, my boobs hurt, same shit different week. So I don't see the point in unnecessary conversations, I guess. So she's convinced I'm hiding something. Or if I do bring something pregnancy related up, she's nagging me if I've talked with my husband about the feelings I was having about him not being pleased about everything.

I'm already a severe introvert, and between this, my family, and pregnancy hormones I'm feeling mighty stabby lately. Heh

scottishlass1213 · January 2018

lalala2004 said:

@scottishlass1213 I don’t see what the problem is? You are just dying to talk to her about the pregnancy, and she just isn’t bringing it up? If you don’t think she wants to talk about it.... Don’t talk about it. There should be other things to talk about. It doesn’t matter if you find out the gender and are showing... I really doubt she is forgetting that you are pregnant.

No not that, we're definitely talking about other stuff - I just feel it's a big elephant in the room and I am used to talking/venting about EVERYTHING with her. I'm by no means trying to rub it in her face at all so that's why I was wondering if I should just let it go and continue our discussions about other stuff since I don't know when I will see her F2F either. I'm dying to ask her if they are trying again but I feel like she maybe regrets me even knowing what happened with her before because she never ended up telling her family or anyone else besides me and her husband. I also want to be supportive of her through her TTC process but I don't want to be a nag either, you now?

scottishlass1213 · January 2018

I'll also add that I had a loss prior to having DS and she knew about that and that's why she reached out to me with her issues - so I am also familiar with being pregnant and then all of a sudden not being pregnant too - so I am not naive to those feelings, it's probably what's making me more cautious with her now.

scottishlass1213 · January 2018

neeraja_k said:

@lalala2004 I could be mistaken, but I think the problem is that the OP wants to be excited and be able to talk about all the things changing and how exciting it is right now, but her bestie is being vague and non-communicative. And I fully understand it, after TTC when my SIL came up pregnant for the second time, I didn't want to talk to her and be reminded of my failures.

Personally I'd just go out to lunch and feel her out...find out what's on her mind, if something is eating at her, maybe her own TTC has hit a roadblock. Or it could simply be that she's struggling with her feelings about you being pregnant and talking to you makes her feel worse. Try to be honest with her, that's what BFF's are for.

In my world I'm on the other end of the spectrum. My BFF is smothering me and I'm trying to work out how to tell her to back off and leave me alone for a while without hurting her feelings. She's extremely sensitive right now with her own marriage in doubt and the threat of us moving away, and she's on a new hormone regimen that makes her ridiculously emotional.

She comes to visit, staying entire weekends, week after week. She's always messaging me, like literally the moment I wake up and look at my phone to see what the time it is, she's messaging me, seeing that I'm online, and then asks how I slept, noting the time I went inactive. It's honestly made me want to log out of Facebook for good.

I haven't felt like talking to her about my pregnancy lately because nothing much has changed. Food is gross, I'm queasy, my boobs hurt, same shit different week. So I don't see the point in unnecessary conversations, I guess. So she's convinced I'm hiding something. Or if I do bring something pregnancy related up, she's nagging me if I've talked with my husband about the feelings I was having about him not being pleased about everything.

I'm already a severe introvert, and between this, my family, and pregnancy hormones I'm feeling mighty stabby lately. Heh

Is your friend TTC as well - from what I can read from your post with the hormones, or no? It's like she's almost living through you??

I guess on top of all this, I don't have many close female friends and friends that have kids, even though we're all in our mid-30's at this point.

livinthesunnylife · January 2018

@scottishlass1213 I have a similar situation. My BFF of 17 years has been TTC since August and I conceived almost immediately when we started "trying". This is my second and she's TTC her first. Add to that the fact that we are 36 and that clock feels like it's ticking away for both of us. But I get that. And so does she. Different from your friend, they are seriously trying- doing everything in the book.

When I told her, I met her in person for a drink and I cried. I didn't mean to cause it's definitely not about me, but the emotions are real. I don't talk as much about my pregnancy this time as I did last time, but I think that's normal the second time around. I'm trying not to tip toe around it, that's just not me. We talk about everything, even the stuff that hurts. But I make sure I ask her how things are going, what the doctors said, how she's feeling. She knows me and if I wasn't acting like myself that would only make it more awkward.

I don't know if that helped at all

lalala2004 · January 2018

@scottishlass1213 that’s what I would do, honestly. Just keep talking about other things. If she wasn't uncomfortable talking about it, she would be, right? At least that’s my guess. If anything, maybe you can ask her how she’s doing, acknowledge her on Mother’s Day in some way when that comes. Show her that you care and are empathetic, but it may always be a touchy subject, unfortunately.

scottishlass1213 · January 2018

@livinthesunnylife
It does...I suppose the only difference is my friend will avoid all emotional talk. That's just not her, which is fine. I just don't want to press her and her not tell me it's not OK for her right now. Does that make sense? I'm a jumble today.

livinthesunnylife · January 2018

That's ok, she doesn't have to talk about it if she doesn't want to. But you can still talk about your situation in a sensitive, non-overbearing way. It's ok. I've had a lot of friends that have had MCs and other issues conceiving and they always say the worst thing anyone can do is avoid them or treat them differently. Be her friend, you're close for a reason

juliebird6 · January 2018

Honestly, I'd probably either email/text whatever you guys normally do but start out with asking her how she's doing, completely unrelated to you. Based on what you've said about your friendship, that's probably what you would have done before you found out you were pregnant, right? And you probably wouldn't have hesitated to ask her if they were trying again? I'd carry on in that same vein, but not bring up anything specific to you and your pregnancy. She'll ask when she's ready.

neeraja_k · January 2018

@scottishlass1213 That's the surprising thing, she's not TTC. She is happy being childless. I do think she's interested in the whole process though. She went with me to my first ultrasound and she got very emotional seeing it all. Her husband had a vasectomy before they even got married, due to two previous marriages and a kid. So it's not really possible or wanted at this stage.

She's been doing the depo shots, to eliminate super heavy month-long periods, and its throwing her hormones all out of whack. She's angst, emotionally rage filled, you name it. You don't want to poke it.

But I think a lot of it is over-compensating on her part. After college she moved to Colorado for a job and in an effort to not feel the hurt due to homesickness and missing me, she stopped talking to me altogether. Because that's totally logical.

So now that my husband and I are contemplating moving to Montana, it's like she's trying to sponge up as much as possible before we leave. Because she feels bad that she essentially missed out on 9 years of friendship due to her own issues.

The only other thing I can think of is that she is trying to live vicariously through me because she wants a slice of my life. I work from home and I have an amazing husband. He's everything her own husband is not nor ever will be, so I think part of it is envy in that respect. But she made that choice and settled for the first guy who paid her any attention, and it's not working out so hot lately. She's made just as many "Do you know how lucky you are?" comments lately, so I think it lends credence to that theory. And I do feel bad for her, but there's not much help I can give her.

That said, you're a good friend to be considerate of your friend's feelings and I do hope you guys can find a comfortable place in which to communicate about things, without the elephant in the room.

lakesideknitter · January 2018

You obviously know your friend better than any of us, but as someone who tends to avoid emotional conversations (and emotions in general) myself, I kind of identify with your friend here. If it were me, I'd probably be not bringing it up because you're not bringing it up. Like, I don't really think it's my place to ask someone personal questions about their pregnancy, especially over email, no matter how close we are. Maybe she's trying to be respectful of your privacy (or even possibly anxieties about loss?) by not asking you questions until you announce your pregnancy?
Just keep in mind, we all tend to communicate with others the way we'd like to be communicated with, and not always the way they do. If that makes sense.

scottishlass1213 · January 2018

Thanks all, it’s been really nice to get various perspectives on this. I certainly don’t need or want to vent to her about things I’m feeling, but she’s my closest friend. Maybe I’ll test the waters and see how she’s doing lately. She’s also a bit of a homebody so if I can try to coerce her out in person, I’ll do that.

She was at at the hospital when DS was born and I just don’t want anything to get weird to any point we can’t come back from.

scottishlass1213 · January 2018

@neeraja_k she sounds fascinating almost! Maybe she’s rethinking her life choices now weirdly through your situation.

ssthomps · January 2018

I feel your pain OP. I had a coworker who was struggling to get pregnant. I always struggled with how I would tell her I was pregnant if And when I was to get pregnant again. I struggled to get pregnant with my first so she felt comfortable with telling me her struggles. When I would discuss my desire for a second and was concerned with struggling again she would tell me to be happy with the one that I had. That is why I worried about how she would take it if and when I got pregnant a second time.

I say say all of that to say give your friend the space that she needs. And like other ladies have stated, talk to her about everything else and when she is ready she will come around.

shri929 · January 2018

I agree with @msmonalisavito just talk as if you would before and when she’s ready she’ll bring it up. Maybe you can ask if she’s TTCAL if you feel it’s ok

i recently had a similar situation (me being the one who experienced a recent loss and then found out a close friend was pregnant) and I avoided the subject because I was afraid my friend would feel bad for me if that makes sense.

alinafed · January 2018

You could always ask her how she is doing... that's an open-ended question that allows her to share how she is feeling, if she is TTCing again, etc. I would start there tbh. As for the pregnancy if she isn't asking I would probably not be bringing it up too much. For me after my MC it always made me cry to hear about other people's pregnancies, even my SIL, as she was due like 2 weeks after my loss baby. I love my niece now and it isn't weird at all, but basically her whole pregnancy I just tried to avoid the subject (except for attending her shower etc). It doesn't mean it will be weird between you forever - you could also still share big news like if you find out the sex etc. But I would just probably try to be sensitive and find someone else to talk about little things to. My best friend struggled with infertility so no matter how horrible my pregnancy symptoms or life with a newborn was I NEVER complained to her - I found other people who had BTDT to fill that role. She hated nothing more than when people would complain to her about morning sickness or something because she would have killed to be pregnant with morning sickness. So I get it. It sucks that it is awkward and I hope that as your pregnancy continues it will be less so. It's nice you are considerate of her feelings and I hope things go back to normal between you two.

scottishlass1213 · January 2018

So it's so funny because I don't know if it was just a coincidence or somehow me putting it in this forum did something in the universe because she actually emailed me telling me she had a dream I was having a boy so it opened the convo up for us. Thanks ladies!

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