Weight gain and inappropriate comments at work

sugarplumm143 · January 2018

Hello! I’m 22 weeks pregnant and have been facing a lot of unnecessary and inappropriate comments about the weight I’ve gained since getting pregnant. Has anyone else experienced this?? Just want to vent because some of the comments are hurtful and I feel alone.

lovesclimbing · January 2018

"I don't appreciate comments about my weight. I'm asking you to stop saying anything about my weight from now on."

And if it doesn't, go to HR. Honestly, I'd consider going to HR right now!

meggyme · January 2018

sugarplumm143 said:

Hello! I’m 22 weeks pregnant and have been facing a lot of unnecessary and inappropriate comments about the weight I’ve gained since getting pregnant. Has anyone else experienced this?? Just want to vent because some of the comments are hurtful and I feel alone.

^WSS

sugarplumm143 · January 2018

Thanks! She’s upper management and it’s a government job. I feel like if I go to HR I’ll ruin chances of moving up. She made a comment about how my legs got bit. And asked if my doctor told me I’ve gained a lot of weight.

meggyme · January 2018

sugarplumm143 said:

Thanks! She’s upper management and it’s a government job. I feel like if I go to HR I’ll ruin chances of moving up. She made a comment about how my legs got bit. And asked if my doctor told me I’ve gained a lot of weight.

That’s a shame that it’s another woman making you feel this way. Maybe start by taking a minute alone with her to tell her that your doctor is happy with your weight gain, it’s none of her concern, and her comments make you uncomfortable. Then if it doesn’t stop, she’s doing it intentionally and that is harassment. Any action taken against you for speaking up is retaliation, which you should also be protected from by HR.

lovesclimbing · January 2018

meggyme said:

sugarplumm143 said:

Thanks! She’s upper management and it’s a government job. I feel like if I go to HR I’ll ruin chances of moving up. She made a comment about how my legs got bit. And asked if my doctor told me I’ve gained a lot of weight.

That’s a shame that it’s another woman making you feel this way. Maybe start by taking a minute alone with her to tell her that your doctor is happy with your weight gain, it’s none of her concern, and her comments make you uncomfortable. Then if it doesn’t stop, she’s doing it intentionally and that is harassment. Any action taken against you for speaking up is retaliation, which you should also be protected from by HR.

^This. If that's really how you feel about your chances of moving up if you say anything, you should be looking for another job asap.

msmonalisavito · January 2018

Agree with what's been said but I would also start documenting every single thing she says to you to build your case in the event it gets to that point.

If you need to confront her face to face, maybe ask HR to sit in with you so you have a witness or send an email. Anything you can do to have hard evidence.

I wouldnt jump to looking for a new job just yet (unless you want out). If there's something that can be done to remedy her actions, then I would do that first. You may not be the last woman who gets pregnant while working there and the problem may continue for other women. She shouldn't be allowed to continue her inappropriate behavior.

izza2 · January 2018

msmonalisavito said:

Agree with what's been said but I would also start documenting every single thing she says to you to build your case in the event it gets to that point.

If you need to confront her face to face, maybe ask HR to sit in with you so you have a witness or send an email. Anything you can do to have hard evidence.

I wouldnt jump to looking for a new job just yet (unless you want out). If there's something that can be done to remedy her actions, then I would do that first. You may not be the last woman who gets pregnant while working there and the problem may continue for other women. She shouldn't be allowed to continue her inappropriate behavior.

If you're going to talk to her - try to have a third party that's impartial present. Whether that's a co-worker you're not friends with, who's not friends with her, or someone from HR. At this point, it'll be a he-said-she-said situation.

Regardless - tell her that her comments are inappropriate for the work place and for your work-relationship, and that you're uncomfortable with how she's interacting with you. If you end up having the conversation - go to HR regardless so that they know what is going on and that you are trying to work the issue out yourself, or go to your direct manager if you aren't comfortable going to HR at the moment.

Keep in mind that anything you say to HR is supposed to be confidential. In my experience, they will present things in a way that they can not come back on you unless she really knew she was doing something report-worthy and expected it.

kat029 · January 2018

If you feel like going to HR will create conflict, just do what you can to not let it bother you. Several ways to do this, forgive her, ignore her, realize that you're making a child and you're body (weight gain and all) is fucking incredible SO her opinion doesn't matter, give her snark about something similar (I don't suggest this but meh it helps some people). I've been in a similar situation where I told someone the person picking on me that I was upset about someone else doing those things to me. I explained why, and that got her aware of my sensitivity and she actually started taking up for me here and there when someone did something similar.

Just remember to not make major decisions when pregnant unless they're feelingns you've always had. We all get a little more sensitive, and sometimes we let our emotions get out of hand. A great job is something to be proud of. If it has the chance of moving up, even better. Don't let yourself be miserable, but don't live in misery if you can make your world brighter with a good perspective. Usually volunteering helps realign you with what's important.

(Sorry for the tangent, only saying that I recently made a bad promotion decision and can't stand my new role. But when I look at it, I'm still able to pay for a home, feed my family and prepare for bringing another angel into this world. And despite how much I regret making the move, thank god I have it.)

meggyme · January 2018

kat029 said:

If you feel like going to HR will create conflict, just do what you can to not let it bother you. Several ways to do this, forgive her, ignore her, realize that you're making a child and you're body (weight gain and all) is fucking incredible SO her opinion doesn't matter, give her snark about something similar (I don't suggest this but meh it helps some people). I've been in a similar situation where I told someone the person picking on me that I was upset about someone else doing those things to me. I explained why, and that got her aware of my sensitivity and she actually started taking up for me here and there when someone did something similar.

Just remember to not make major decisions when pregnant unless they're feelingns you've always had. We all get a little more sensitive, and sometimes we let our emotions get out of hand. A great job is something to be proud of. If it has the chance of moving up, even better. Don't let yourself be miserable, but don't live in misery if you can make your world brighter with a good perspective. Usually volunteering helps realign you with what's important.

(Sorry for the tangent, only saying that I recently made a bad promotion decision and can't stand my new role. But when I look at it, I'm still able to pay for a home, feed my family and prepare for bringing another angel into this world. And despite how much I regret making the move, thank god I have it.)

You can be pregnant AND rational. I don’t think you need to wait until you’ve given birth to make major decisions. Hormones go more crazy postpartum anyway.

lovesclimbing · January 2018

I didn't say she should look for a job right now because of this. I meant if she truly works in an environment where she can't take issues to HR or management without worrying about backlash, she should look for a new job. Because that kind of work environment is NOT good.

izza2 · January 2018

kat029 said:

If you feel like going to HR will create conflict, just do what you can to not let it bother you. Several ways to do this, forgive her, ignore her, realize that you're making a child and you're body (weight gain and all) is fucking incredible SO her opinion doesn't matter, give her snark about something similar (I don't suggest this but meh it helps some people). I've been in a similar situation where I told someone the person picking on me that I was upset about someone else doing those things to me. I explained why, and that got her aware of my sensitivity and she actually started taking up for me here and there when someone did something similar.

Just remember to not make major decisions when pregnant unless they're feelingns you've always had. We all get a little more sensitive, and sometimes we let our emotions get out of hand. A great job is something to be proud of. If it has the chance of moving up, even better. Don't let yourself be miserable, but don't live in misery if you can make your world brighter with a good perspective. Usually volunteering helps realign you with what's important.

(Sorry for the tangent, only saying that I recently made a bad promotion decision and can't stand my new role. But when I look at it, I'm still able to pay for a home, feed my family and prepare for bringing another angel into this world. And despite how much I regret making the move, thank god I have it.)

Wait, what?

We can't have new feelings that are valid, and make decisions based on those new feelings while we're pregnant, because we're "a little more sensitive"?

Please tell me this is a joke.

"Oh, your co-worker is being an a-hole, you don't like how you're being treated, and you could end up having anxiety/mental health issues as a result? You're pregnant, so those new feelings aren't valid! Just deal with it until you've popped that baby out, and if you still feel that way after giving birth, then you can consider those feelings valid!"

Sorry, but if my husband decides tomorrow to start treating me like dirt and/or being a general dick, I'm not going to sit back and decide that my hurt feelings and anger aren't valid just because they're new feelings and I'm in the midst of pregnancy.
Good lord.

I get you made a bad decision while you were pregnant, but that's not the result of the pregnancy and your "sensitive" emotions... that's the result of a bad decision on your part. Telling other women that the new emotions they experience while pregnant aren't valid is pretty ridiculous, just because you made a bad decision.

adirat · January 2018

But @izza2 don't you know that our already-delicate lady brains are rendered incompetent by pregnancy?

izza2 · January 2018

@adirat - Damn us and our vaginas! If we had penises and were pregnant we'd be having a completely different conversation!

Redpuma119 · January 2018

OP- I would send out an email to your boss. Just let her know that her comments are making you uncomfortable. Then you have documented proof. Also, BCC someone from HR

kat029 · January 2018

@izza2 That seemed a little emotional.

stillcozy · January 2018

@kat029 take a look at the number of people who agreed with her stance which was annoyed for good reason and than how
many people agreed with yours.. than take a deep breath and remember while you may feel you are unable to make big decisions because you are pregnant 95% have to and are very much capable of doing it. your post came off and condescending and derogatory towards women which I hope was not your intent. so maybe reread yours and than read the room before trying to snap back at her

meggyme · January 2018

kat029 said:

@izza2 That seemed a little emotional.

Just to let you know, I am not currently pregnant. Therefore I can apparently tell you with a clear mind that your comment feeds into the sexist stereotype that women can’t make logical decisions because they are blinded by emotion. Making a bad decision or acting on emotion once does not make you incapable of logic.

I hope we’ve just read the wrong context into this and it was really just a dead pan joke.

izza2 · January 2018

kat029 said:

@izza2 That seemed a little emotional.

Totes magotes, yo!
My emotions at the time of responding: astounded and appalled.
Not present at the time of responding: sensitive emotions and feelings getting out of hand.

I'm sorry that you have issues making important decisions and them turning out positive, and blame that on your pregnancy.
That doesn't mean you should be telling other people they can't make decisions while pregnant because you feel it makes more sense to blame your failure on the hormonal changes happening in your body rather than your own lack of good judgment.

But, really, what do I know. I'm a hormonal pregnant lady who apparently can't make any important decisions for myself because *gasp* hormones. Those pesky things!

wildtot · January 2018

Sounds like i need to get a doctors note for work accommodations because i can’t make logical and safe decisions right now - joking!

But in all seriousness i like what another poster said about emailing your supervisor. I use to be a supervisor and having things recorded is always good! Legally they can’t retaliate for speaking up if you feel harassed or uncomfortable with this sort of thing. I hope things get better for you.

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