TTCAL w/o 1/8

holly321 · January 2018

This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage / spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and / or stillbirth may be mentioned.**

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status:

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

GTKY: What song describes your life?

galactickates · January 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

1 loss at 9 weeks due to Ectopic followed by laparoscopic surgery. All on 11/20 of last year. Wow, now I say "of last year" still feels like yesterday.

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Things are much better.. time has taken the sting out of what happened. Yesterday we met up with our close friends and we were talking about New Year's and I got a little choked up. My DH drank a wine glass of champagne for each life event (we counted 8 or 9) and one of them was "Failed LO" which is meant to read as "We failed our future LO." I know it's not our fault that's just how DH titled it on the check boxes. We wrote them all out and checked each one off as he drank for each event. One of our friends mentioned that line and I said "we drank that glass together" and then tears just started flowing. I couldn't help it. Luckily I composed myself pretry quickly. I've been so distracted it and really trying to stay strong. I've been able to talk about it now and not cry but for some reason my gaurd was down and it really hit me.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

I'm still supposed to go in for one more draw.

GTKY: What song describes your life?
Bullet Train - Stephen Swartz (feat. Joni Fatora) I've probably listened to that song a million times. Especially when things get really crazy in life. It's a really simple song and mostly beat but if you want to see how I view my world, that's it.

acciocoffee · January 2018

@galactickates That just makes me so sad. I'm reading a PG Loss devotional and today was about being "Happy-sad" and it just felt like such a great way to describe every day since our MC. It's like life continues and you feel pretty normal, but there is just this fog of sadness and you never know when it might take over. I started crying just on my drive to work today because I started thinking about our LO. I really hope this month brings joy for you!

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 11/28 NMC at 8 weeks

Status: CD 9

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? My birthday was yesterday and DH's birthday is today. I'm feeling disappointed because I always thought by this age I would either be done having kids or be PG with my last. I know that one year older is not a big deal, but it just reminds me of that stupid timeline I had in my head. On the bright side, the roads were too icy to go to dinner last night, so we are going to Buffalo Wild Wings tonight instead! I'm going to eat so many wings and be thankful that I don't have that PG heartburn to hold me back!

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Starting OPKs this week. I might start today just to make sure I don't miss it, but I haven't decided yet.

GTKY: What song describes your life?
Right now, "Still" by Hillary Scott.

ETA proper grammar

boniface · January 2018

@galactickates sometimes we have those days where we've been ok and suddenly out of nowhere the tears start to flow. I think it will always forever feel like it was just yesterday. Even though the days pass and people forget, we will always remember our LO.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status: 2 losses. MMC in July 2017 and Blighted Ovum in Oct 2017.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I had a really rough weekend. One of my friends announced her pregnancy and I knew about it already , but seeing everyones excitement and happiness made me feel really sad for myself. I'm really looking forward to my appointment with the genetic counselor and doctor, that is coming up on the 23rd. Oh and I'm waiting for AF stil, so I've been sticking around here as opposed to the TWW or WTO.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? appointment on the 23rd and waiting for AF to also get an ultrasound.

GTKY: What song describes your life? I'm so bad at these types of questions!!! I have no idea.

coco2787 · January 2018

@acciocoffee happy belated birthday, and also, hugs

@galactickates aw that made me all teary. It's so hard sometimes

coco2787 · January 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

MMC dx one month ago today on 12/8 at 9 weeks. D&C on 12/12

Status: Just waiting.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Struggling with the one month anniversary a little bit. It feels both like yesterday and ages ago. I wish I could be living in the moment more instead of wishing time would pass quicker. As far as the good, I have a couple days off this week and I plan to get a massage and/or facial.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Going to take a FRER tomorrow morning and if it's finally negative I'll probably start using OPKs.

GTKY: What song describes your life?
Maybe not my whole life, but right now, Tiny Bump by Ed Sheeran (warning, don't listen unless you want to cry)

galactickates · January 2018

Thanks ladies

@acciocoffee I never heard that term happy-sad. It's such a perfect way to describe how I feel. I don't know I missed that it was your birthday yesterday! Happy Birthday, I hope this month and year brings you joy too

@boniface I'm sorry you had a rough weekend. We just have those sometimes. Announcements can definitely be triggering. ((Hugs))

@coco2787 - "just waiting" - feel like that sums up my world in two words as well. I'm so tired of waiting. I'm going to listen to all these songs but I might need to wait to listen to yours until I'm driving home from work tonight. I really like Ed Sheeran.

ChloandCoco · January 2018

@galactickates I completely understand trying to stay strong and then suddenly all the hurt just can't be contained anymore. I used to think that crying was a sign of weakness, but I know now that to get stronger you have to face how you are feeling. It would've been nice if your DH changed the wording of the life event to be a little bit more sensitive.
@acciocoffee Happy belated birthday! Having a planned timeline is something I struggle with too. This year I'm trying to stop planning my life around ttc, but it's easier said than done.
@boniface I'm sorry you had to experience that, it's definitely a hard thing to experience. Good luck at your genetic counselor appointment on the 23rd!
@coco2787 The one month anniversary is a hard one, but it does get easier. I hope you have an amazing time pampering yourself and you should get the massage and the facial done!

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

TFAS since April 2017 - 3 early losses last year.

Status: TTC - WFAF

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I'm surprisingly doing ok, I thought getting a BFN would've made me more depressed, but maybe I needed a mental break from ttc. This month, I'm planning on doing a lot of home renos that I've been putting off because I was pregnant. It's a new year, and maybe a month off will be the fresh start that I needed.

We are meeting with my OB on Thursday to officially (rather that phone calls with my OB's nurse) go over all the results and talk about what we will do the next time I get pregnant. I'm going to ask to have weekly ultrasounds from 6 - 8 weeks, since two of my 3 mcs happened at 7 weeks, I want to see what's happening.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? BFN on HPTs

GTKY: What song describes your life? Currently, it's Snowflake by Sia. It's a Christmas song, but has become a song that I listen to when I want to remember my losses. I highly recommend checking out the lyrics (in spoiler) or listening to the song.

"Snowflake"

Snowflake I catch you tonight

Catch you and keep you on ice, my love

Snowflake you know you're the only one

There's no one like you, so I'm gonna hide you

My sweet

Keep you till winter when you won't be needing me

Snowflake I'm trying to keep you safe

You gave me your trust and I want you safe

Snowflake you know I've got your back

There's no one like you, so I'm gonna hide you

My sweet

Keep you to winter when you won't be needing me

Christmas day your freedom comes

Unprotected from the sun

By then you'll be cold, and now

For me to send you off with love

Snowflake don't forget us

If I were a betting man I'd bet a million on you

There's no way around this, the only way now is through

Snowflake now you're on your own

I love you, I know you're just here alone

You're best and soon you'll be on your way

There's no one like you, so I'll cry myself here to sleep

I kept you till winter now you won't be needing me

Christmas day your freedom comes

Unprotected from the sun

By then you'll be cold, and now

For me to send you off with love

Snowflake don't forget us

If I were a betting man I'd bet a million on you

There's no way around this, the only way now is through

holly321 · January 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

missed miscarriage 2/12 and molar MMC 8l17

Status:

benched

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

I just feel impatient. I really want to know when I can TTC again. I saw my OBgyn in the hall today, and he was awkwardly too far away to try and talk to him. I tried again to call to talk to them, and still the phone won't go through. I am starting to think they have an awesome (for employees) weather policy. And since I am not in my office this week (I am working in a satellite) he will probably text me with my results, and I never feel comfortable asking too many questions that way.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Hcg today

GTKY: What song describes your life?
believer by imagine dragons. More about physical pain.... The song perfectly describes autoimmune disease.

posting and ghosting until later for tags.

galactickates · January 2018

@ChloandCoco - I'll have to listen to the song, the lyrics choked me up. It read really beautifully

eleven_ · January 2018

@galactickates Just reading “failed LO” makes me almost cry. I’m so sorry you were hit with that when your guard was down. I’m listening to your song right now and it’s so amazing. Going on my playlist RN.

@acciocoffee Happy Birthday yesterday! I totally feel you on the age thing. I was so happy that I was going to have LO before I turned 32. Now it’s not going to happen. I don’t know why we put these timelines on ourselves. Being one year older is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Have fun tonight!

@boniface I’m so sorry you had a rough weekend. I’ve seen so many pregnancy announcements this week and it’s honestly so bittersweet. You are so happy and sad at the same time. Hopefully you get some answers at the genetic counselor and doctor.

@coco2787 I’m so sorry you are struggling right now. Anniversaries of sad events are so hard. I too need to work on living in the moment. It’s so hard. That’s so good to hear that you are treating yourself to a facial/massage. What kind of facials do you like? I really want to get a hydra facial. I’ve heard so many good things. I’m definitely going to listen to that song on my way home from work tonight.

@ChloandCoco I’m so sorry about your BFN. That’s good you are focusing your energy on something positive. What kind of home renovations are going to do? I really want to start working on our bathroom but I don’t know where to start!

@holly321 I’m sorry you are feeling impatient. That is really weird they haven’t been answering their phones. Can you text to see why they aren’t answering? I love that song by Imagine Dragons but have never really listened to the words. I will probably think of you whenever I hear it now.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

I had a CP on 1/2/2018.

Status: I guess I’m WTO – CD 7. I have not yet joined back in on the dailies. I don’t know why I feel so reluctant.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

I feel like I’ve been doing really well up until yesterday. I have been really focused on telling myself that we are trying again this month and everything will work out. On Sunday I woke up with a massive headache and really bad cramps and it just kind of brought everything back from how I felt the day of my CP. I felt like I was choking on grief. I thought I had fully dealt with what happened but I think part of me is just pushing it all away.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

I’m going to go get my 2nd beta today. My doctor gave me the go ahead to try again with my first beta being 5. Does it matter what my 2nd beta is at?

GTKY: What song describes your life?

I’ve been obsessed with Faded by Alan Walker. It speaks to me in so many ways right now especially when she says “Where are you now? Was it all in my fantasy?”

boniface · January 2018

@eleven_ I completely understand the feeling that you have accepted what happened and "moving on", but then something like cramps can trigger those emotions again, I've been there and send you hugs. I'm afraid that it could happen again, but hey maybe not. I know that when we started trying again I felt really motivated and excited, I hope you start feeling like that again soon. Its all just a process

galactickates · January 2018

@eleven_ right? I blare that song in the car when I'm by myself. The lyrics plus beat are just so good. I'm glad you liked it too. Also I know the choking on grief feeling. I'm just so sorry.

I'm going through the exact same thing. Trying to bury something that keeps slowing rising to the surface to only be smashed down again. Ugh this sucks

ETA +1 to @holly321 for picking a great GTKY. I really liked this one

ChloandCoco · January 2018

@holly321 Can you text your OB and ask for an appointment rather than wait for the phone lines to be working again?

@eleven_ By renovations, I mean painting and maintenance on the house. I painted the main floor and second floor a couple of years ago, but never got around to the trim, so that's what I'm doing this weekend. Good luck on your bathroom remodel, I could never tackle something that big. As for having a hard day yesterday, we all understand feeling like we are back to normal and then something happens and it feels like you are right back at the beginning. Hang in there, it does get easier.

boniface · January 2018

@acciocoffee i get the whole timeline disappointment. What I do is to try not to think about it. It usually comes ups when I'm already sad, I just make myself even more sad , thinking that by now I would have a baby or be so far along. Sorry you are feeling that way, I hope this year is your year!

@holly321 the waiting game is so frustrating, but I hope you receive the green light to try again SOON!

holly321 · January 2018

@galactickates, I am sorry you had a rough time. Some times it just hits you hard and unexpectedly. Being almost 5 months out, I definitely have mostly good days but even still it hits.

@acciocoffee, Happy belated birthday. I hope you and your DH enjoy your evening out today.

@boniface, announcements are always the worst. I hope your appointment goes well! And thanks, I will probably still be benched for a few more months, but I would like to at least know which month for sure. .

@coco2787, I hope your test is negative tomorrow. *Hugs* anniversaries are always hard. I hope you enjoy your days off this week.

@ChloandCoco I hope things go well with your OB appointment this week, I hope they are willing to give you the ultrasounds you are asking for. Good luck with the house renovations. As for my OB, I more just want to ask questions about switching off of the depo and stuff, so I don't really want an appointment. I do have one later in the month. We have had bad weather the few days I called, so I am thinking they are closing early.

@eleven_, I don't really see why you are having a second beta when you are already negative, but I guess just to verify that your numbers don't rise? What happened yesterday sounds awful. *Hugs* every time I cramp I freak out a little terrified that the bleeding is going to start again. And I will just try calling again tomorrow. I don't feel comfortable texting him unless he texts first.

offtoneverland · January 2018

Awww, guys. Reading through this thread today made me cry. Sending so many hugs to you all.
@galactickates I'm sorry that your tears caught you off guard. It still catches me off guard too and sometimes you can't help but tear up a little.
@acciocoffee I like your analogy about feeling happy most of the time, but knowing that there's a fog of sadness over everything. That completely captures what I've been feeling lately. Can you share the name of the loss devotional you've been reading? Happy birthday to you and YH! It sounds like it's been hard to fully celebrate with all that's going on lately. I know what you mean about timelines though. I was talking to MH about that over the weekend and he was reminding me that timelines don't matter in the end and we'll be so happy no matter when we end up getting to have a take home baby.
@boniface That's great that your appointment is coming up soon. Hopefully the wait until then is not too excruciating.
@coco2787 I'm so sorry about the one month anniversary today. Feel all the feelings and remember that it's okay to be sad. Good for you for taking care of yourself and getting a massage and facial this week.
@ChloandCoco I'm sorry about the BFNs, but glad you've been handling it okay. Good luck at the doctor appointment on Thursday. Please let us know what happens, if you feel comfortable sharing. Sounds like a great idea to request ultrasounds between 6 and 8 weeks. I hope they'll be able to accommodate that for you.
@eleven_ Hugs, friend. It's okay to not feel okay. I'm sorry that all the feelings came rushing back to you. I can definitely relate to that. Some days I feel really sad, and other days I feel okay again. It's exhausting. Glad you were able to get your 2nd beta today. I don't think it matters where your 2nd beta is at, just as long as it has gone down and not up. But I don't think you have to worry about it going up at all.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 3 early MCs since August 2017.

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Things are going okay. I had a talk with DH over the weekend and it went really well. I explained to him that I'm not so sad about losing babies, as my MCs have all happened really really early, but it's the loss of hopes, planning, and time that makes me so sad. I also told him that I really really hate TTC and these have been some of the worst months of my life, not just because of the losses, but because TTC is a horrible, time consuming, exhausting process. He seemed to understand and he was really supportive of that.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? One more beta tomorrow.

Can I add a question section? I've heard that some people start taking baby aspirin during the TWW as it may help prevent MCs. Have any of you tried that? I did order some from Amazon a few days ago, but I'm not sure if I should start doing it this TWW without being advised by a doctor. I don't think it'll really hurt since it's just baby aspirin, but curious if any of you have been told to take it, or if you think I should just wait to talk to the doctor. My OB is way too busy and appointments are like 2 months out. Plus, I'm still waiting on that RE referral, so that's why I'm asking here. I think I'm going to have to call them back to remind them about my RE referral. Ugh!

GTKY: What song describes your life? This is a hard one! I got the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack for Christmas and one of the songs is called "Waving Through A Window." I listen to it all the time and can really relate to the lyrics right now. It's about feeling like you're on the outside looking in, watching everything go by. I've felt like that a lot recently because sometimes I feel like I'm just watching so many months go by with nothing really to show for it. But I think that's just me getting too involved in the TTC process/my losses and not focusing on the here and now. I'm really trying to fix that. If you haven't listened to the Dear Even Hansen soundtrack yet, I highly recommend it!

holly321 · January 2018

@offtoneverland, I would wait to start taking the baby aspirin. Nsaids can cause you not to ovulate, (which was a possible cause of why I wasn't ovulating). I know you said during TWW, but, my thoughts are if it can stop ovulating, what other issues can it cause? I am glad your talk went well with your DH and he is supportive.
Can you see an RE without a referral?

acciocoffee · January 2018

@offtoneverland It's called Grieving the Child I Never Knew. I highly recommend it.

offtoneverland · January 2018

@holly321 Thanks for your input! Honestly, I think I can see specialists without referrals because of my insurance, but I thought maybe I needed one to see an RE since there are so many rules for when you're allowed to start seeing them. Plus, I don't know anything about REs, so I thought perhaps my OB worked with a specific one and would share my medical records with them or something. I have no idea how it works though. I guess I should just find an RE and call them to see what they say, but it's so hard to call the doctor while I'm at work as it's hard for me to sneak out to my car during the day to make personal calls.
@acciocoffee Thank you! I'm going to look that up right now.

zamoraspin · January 2018

@offtoneverland At my first visit with my RE she told me to start taking baby aspirin daily - she said it can’t hurt and might help. I was on it for my last pregnancy, didn’t help, but I am still taking it. The thought is that RPL is sometimes caused by clotting issues.

ChloandCoco · January 2018

I’ll come back for more posts tomorrow, but I wanted to say to @offtoneverland, I’m going to see my OB on Thursday and I was going to ask him about baby aspirin. So I’ll let you know what he says.

galactickates · January 2018

@acciocoffee I'm going to look it up too! Thanks for sharing that with us.

@offtoneverland - it sounds like you and DH have really good communication. I'm glad your talk went well. I know I always feel better talking things out with my H. It's different for guys, for the most part they just need to show up. We are the ones PO(so many)S, charting, taking vitamins, reading books, and I could go on forever... On the baby aspirin I had read that too and actually bought some to take, but never did, before my first loss. I never took it or asked my Dr so I don't know, but.... can you call an advice nurse at your office? I call them literally the second I have a question. If they can't answer it then they reach out to my Dr and call back with the answer. It saves me tons of $$ money and time because I don't have to go in to the office. I typed that all out the read it was hard for you to make phone calls at work. *head smack* Do you have a patient portal you can email them through?

AlohaKumu · January 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. CP at the end of Dec FET cycle

Status: Waiting for another FET

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I'm really down and frustrated. The doctor initially told me to expect a new FET calendar on 12/29 or early last week, but we're already past the first business day of this week and no calendar. I called last Thursday and the RE nurses said there still wasn't any update. I wanted to give the main clinic the benefit of the doubt, but it appears they are giving my doctor's office bad information about scheduling. Every day that goes by makes me wonder if we'll actually be able to do this before I lose my current insurance coverage. I feel like every time I have some hope, the rug is pulled out from under me. In the meantime, it seems like everyone around me is getting KU without a care in the world. I almost broke down at the grocery store yesterday after seeing all the families, especially those with sooo many kids. Even DH has gotten teary-eyed a couple times lately, which he hasn't done since his surgery. I guess in good news, my beautiful Jizo statue arrived today. (I updated the post with a spoiler pic.)

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I wish I knew.

GTKY: What song describes your life? "The Long Way Around" by the Dixie Chicks

AlohaKumu · January 2018

@galactickates It seems like people want to hear happy, positive stories after the new year, so I feel you when you have those sad moments that catch you when you aren't expecting it. It's okay to still have the loss hit your heart more intensely than it does at other times.
@acciocoffee I'm sorry the birthdays are stirring up feelings of disappointment for you. (My big 35 is coming up too quickly and makes me want to panic.) I hope you enjoyed BWW, though!
@boniface It really is hard to see this moment of joy when you are still feeling that internal sadness. I hope all goes well with your upcoming appointments and that you get lots of good information.
@coco2787 Your self-care days sound amazing. It may just inspire me to get a massage, too.
@ChloandCoco I hope your meeting goes well on Thursday. I think your request to have more frequent ultrasounds is totally reasonable given the timing of your losses. Maybe your doctor can also recommend some additional bloodwork during that time, too?
@holly321 I'm sorry that you still haven't been able to get through on the phone lines. I definitely wouldn't want to have a text conversation about the results, either, so I hope they get back to you soon about an actual appointment or a verbal conversation.
@eleven_ The recent research I have seen suggests that once your beta is at 5 or below, you don't have to wait to start TTC again, unless there are extenuating circumstances. My doctor told me anything under 5 is considered to be "not pregnant" (our second beta was at 4), so he was comfortable just having me start on the BC in preparation for my next FET. It's been hard for me to jump into even the regular forums, too. I sometimes feel so overwhelmed seeing all the comments. It took me all day (and some insomnia) to post here now.
@offtoneverland I've been on baby aspirin since the summer, but that's partly because I had a provoked blood clot in February. My doctor said that it was fine to stay on it, especially since there's evidence that it can help with IVF cycles for me. I think for most people it is safe, but obviously any medication could have side effects. I'm sorry you're having such difficulty getting in touch with your OB or the RE referral.

coco2787 · January 2018

@boniface I'm sorry, seeing announcements is always kind of a gut punch :

@galactickates the waiting game is just the worst. I feel like there's no end in sight and it makes me want to scream.
@ChloandCoco I hope your OB is receptive, I'm feeling the same way about wanting frequent ultrasounds. My OB told me already I could get an earlier one, but baby stopped growing at 7w5d and was a MMC so there's no way I would be able to make it from 6/7 weeks until the NT scan without wanting another U/S.
@holly321 I hope you can talk to your OB soon.
@eleven_ I don't know what kind of facial I like, I've never had one

I'm sorry for the rough day, it's easy to get caught off guard sometimes. Hope the 2nd beta check looks good, I also don't get why you need it though. It's weird how different doctors are, my OB had no interest in doing any checks after my D&C.
@offtoneverland I'm glad you had a good talk with your husband, stuff like this can be really hard on relationships. I hope you get your RE referral soon.
@AlohaKumu ugh, I'm sorry your doctor is letting you down, that's so frustrating. I hope they get it together for you before it's too late. And hugs, I'm sorry you're feeling so down

zamoraspin · January 2018

@galactickates What a nice and bittersweet way to ring in the new year and honor the old.

@boniface Pregnancy announcements are so hard, even when you are very happy for the person making the announcement. Keep us posted on how your appts go.

@acciocoffee I'm sorry, birthdays are difficult milestones when you are struggling ttc a take home baby. I hope the wings are delicious!

@coco2787 That one month mark is hard. I hope your FRER is negative tomorrow (such a weird thing to say, I know).

@holly321 Don't be afraid to ask your questions, even if it's via text message. If he texts you first I feel like that's an indication that he is ok communicating that way. I hope you are able to try again very soon. I know you had originally thought about six months, you're getting close right?

@offtoneverland I'm glad you are able to have that discussion with YH. I know that is not easy.

@ChloandCoco I'm sorry about the BFN but I'm glad you are taking it in stride. I think this stretch will be the longest both of us have NOT gotten pregnant since we started ttc. How weird is that? Maybe our bodies are re-setting for success.

@AlohaKumu I'm sorry the office is being evasive. I can totally understand how not having a plan is making this harder for you. Even when we experience loss and sadness the drive to try again is very strong. Can you leave them another message and say, hey, look guys, I'm about to lose my insurance, I need to try to get another FET in ASAP?

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 35, no living children, three first tri mc's

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I'm doing pretty well this week. It's a new cycle and I am doing another round of clomid, I'll take my first dose tonight.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I am getting a u/s on CD11 thanks to some feedback so I'll know whether I have more than one follie going, and how my lining looks.

GTKY: What song describes your life? Man. You all have such great answers. I looked through the music I have on my phone and the song that jumped out at me as at least describing this past year of my life is Buildings and Bridges by Ani DiFranco. Majority of the lyrics in spoiler. I'm not always super flexible about stuff so this roller coaster of altered plans and dreams has been challenging, but I hope I come out of it stronger and better at being flexible and empathetic.

Buildings and bridges
Are made to bend in the wind
To withstand the world
That's what it takes
All that steel and stone
Are no match for the air, my friend
What doesn't bend breaks
What doesn't bend breaks

We are made to bleed
And scab and heal and bleed again
And turn every scar into a joke
We are made to fight
And fuck and talk and fight again
And sit around and laugh until we choke
Sit around and laugh until we choke

ChloandCoco · January 2018

@offtoneverland That's great that you were able to explain how you were feeling to your DH and he now understands a little bit more. I told my DH the other day that ttc is no longer fun, all the happiness of trying and then the first trimester hope has been sucked out of the process. FX with your beta today!
@alohakumu I'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated with waiting for your new FET calendar. How long do you have before you lose your current coverage? Also, I love your new statue! As for requesting more bloodwork, they did that with my last two losses (there was a clear decline with my cp, but the bloodwork looked good with my last mc and then I lost it).
@coco2787 I wouldn't be able to make it 4-6 weeks between the dating scan the the NT scan either.
@zamora_spin I was just thinking that the other day that it's so weird (and kind of freaky) that we both got BFN the same month. But I do think that maybe our bodies need some time to reset. I'm still hoping that we end up on the same BMB with our rainbows.

galactickates · January 2018

This is totally random, but I feel like I've become a much more supportive person and better listener IRL since joining TB. Yesterday a coworker was telling me how his wife was going through some stuff at work - Old Kates would have just said "that sucks" new Kates said "I'm really sorry she is going through that" and asked follow up questions. I feel like I've become so much better at communicating because of you ladies. Does anyone else find themselves wanting to speak in acronyms outside of TB? I have to stop myself from saying POS, OPK, CD, BFN, BFP and basically everything.

acciocoffee · January 2018

@galactickates YES to the acronyms! It's becoming a problem. Lol

zamoraspin · January 2018

@ChloandCoco It is freaky! Probably no one finds this as interesting as us but for the audience - chloandcoco and I had the same EDD (1/24/18) followed by TWO MORE EDD'S (April and June) within days of each other, all ending in losses within days of each other, EACH TIME. Then BFNs the same cycle after being benched. IT. IS. WEIRD. Do our uteruses talk to each other or something? Can they maybe give each other a pep talk to get it together?

ChloandCoco · January 2018

@galactickates I talk to my DH with the bump acronyms, he just thinks its funny.
@zamora_spin They must be communicating somehow...

eleven_ · January 2018

@offtoneverland I think you explained everything so well to your DH. I haven’t really thought about what you said until now about the sadness not coming from losing the baby, but loss of hope and planning. That is so true for me as well. It’s so hard to put so much of your hopes into something and have it ripped away from you. I’m so glad that he was so supportive. I just looked up Dear Evan Hansen because I’ve never heard of it. It’s a musical? I will have to check it out. I did my 2nd beta yesterday also. *Hugs*
@alohakumu I’m so sorry you are feeling so down. Just reading everything you are going through makes me feel so frustrated for you! I don’t know what is going on lately but I have seen SO many pregnant people and pregnancy announcements too. It’s so rough. I hope you are taking care of yourself and that you get news about the new FET calendar soon. I love LOVE your Jizo statue. Is it for you garden or is it home décor?
@zamora_spin FX for you this cycle. I really like Ani DiFranco but somehow have never heard that song. I’m going to give it a listen!
@galactickates I showed your song to my DH and he added it to his snowboarding mix! Have you listened to the song that I posted about? Faded by Alan Walker. I think you would like it! And OMG about the acronyms. Just yesterday I was telling my DH that I need more OPKs. DH said something about how I only speak in acronyms now and I need to print him out a list so he knows WTF I’m talking about

galactickates · January 2018

@eleven_ I just turned it on, I've probably heard it a million times and didn't recognize the title lol. It's on my USB in the car. We definitely have the exact same taste in music!
ETA maybe you'll find this funny but DH and I's song is seven lions - strangers. When we got married we had the DJ use it to announce us into our wedding. We've made tons of time lapses from road trips with this type is music. It's awesome because our favorite time lapse the music totally matches the way the road moves.

boniface · January 2018

offtoneverland I am taking baby aspirin per my doctors recommendation because after the bloodwork I had done she said i am prone to blood clotting so I've been taking it for almost a month. So I would definitely ask your doctor.

@AlohaKumu you are definitely not alone, that feeling like everyone is having babies in a drop of a hat is what I've been feeling. When I get so upset that I can't help but cry all I can thinks is "it's not fair". I feel like a child feeling that what, but that's what I honestly feel. It's not fair I hope you get your appointments in soon.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC in July 2017 blighted ovum in oct 2017

Status: benched for this month

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? So I got my period today. I which is weird because I got positive OPKs last Monday. So I wasn't expecting it for another week. Anyways i called my doctor and she wants me to get an ultrasound on day 11 or 12. I let her know my genetic counselor appt was in the 23 rd and she wants me to keep it that day and I will have to wait till next cycle to start trying. I feel a little disappointed, but at least the ball is rolling.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Ultrasound next Friday or Saturday.

GTKY: What song describes your life?
I was thinking about this yesterday and I came up with Endless night from the lion king Broadway soundtrack. When I'm sad I listen to it and it makes me feel hopeful again.

boniface · January 2018

@galactickates TB has also made me more aware on what I say to someone who is grieveing no matter what type of loss it is. This community is great isn't it? I feel like I'm not alone.

@eleven_ I also have been reluctant to jump on the WTO or TWW threads. I feel like I don't belong there yet, so I have been sticking around here mostly.

Does anyone find it annoying trying to reply on TB mobile?

holly321 · January 2018

@AlohaKumu, I am sorry things are so up in the air. When does your insurance change? If nothing happens before the insurance changes, does it make you have to wait longer or have to pay more out of pocket (bot that both don't suck). I never heard of a Jizu statue, so I looked it up, that is a beautiful sentiment. And I don't so much mind getting my results by text (hopefully it continues to be negative HCG) I just want to have a conversation since I have questions, and I am trying to be a patient patient, since I work for a doctor's office and well, impatient people can be frustrating.

@zamora_spin , good luck with clomid this cycle. Does it give you many side effects?

AFM, I did call and leave a message with my doctor's nurse. He usually calls or texts by now, so he was probably going to stop by tomorrow (he has out patient surgery across the hall from my office every other Wednesday, but I am not in)

ChloandCoco · January 2018

@boniface I'm sorry you have to wait a little bit longer to ttc, is there something you can plan to help pass the time?

eleven_ · January 2018

@galactickates I absolutely adore that song! And that is just so cute/awesome about your wedding. I can totally picture it in my head

DH and I make videos of us snowboarding to this type of music and it just fits so well. I love that most of the songs have such a big build!

zamoraspin · January 2018

@holly321 Last cycle it did make me prone to weepiness and I was more easily annoyed. I didn't really experience hot flashes. The symptoms seemed to let up a couple days after I stopped taking it, but then I had similar symptoms during the TWW which I attributed to my progesterone supplements but could have been from the clomid as I've read it stays in the body a bit. At one point I cried because one of our dogs was so cute. Oh dear.

galactickates · January 2018

ETA - there is a reason I'm bringing it up again, question at the end.

So, for anyone that doesn't know my story I'll give a brief synopsis. * Genetal Tw Ectopic * on 11/20 I was supposed to have a 9 week appointment for our dating U/S which is probably the only reason I'm alive. Well, the thursday before I was bleeding and having some pain. I thought it could possibly be a bladder infection. It was enough that I had to go in. So I was scheduled with an on call Dr. I had a U/S, got to hear LO's heart beat, took home pictures and she sent me home with anti biotic and assured me LO was just dating a week behind because I'd ovulated later then I thought. I was taking opks but thought ok.... I guess I don't know maybe it's normal? I had other symptoms that are classic ectopic that I even told the Dr. I only know they are now because I did so much research after. She completely missed it. SaturdayFriday night hit and I had pain so bad I thought I was going to pass out. Called the Dr on call and because of that U/S from the day before she thought I was fine too. Flash forward to Monday, my world was rocked. So I've healed and here I am now, but they charged me for that visit. And because of it, it ate up what was left in my HRA so I have a lot more owed out of pocket. I just filed a formal complaint with them today to have it removed. I just can't bring myself to pay for that visit. I feel relieved I finally called. And normally I just pay bills I owe, but I almost died from this Dr's incompetence. I can't do it. I hope they come back with good news. End TW**

Has anyone else had charges reversed like that? Have any advice?

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