What do you do when your friend gets pregnant...

mortuaryfaerie · December 2017

I have PCOS, endo, amissing ovary, and other issues due to frequent exposures to heavy chemicals such as formaldehyde and phenol. For 3 years I've been having unprotected sex on a weekly basis, and for the past 3 months I've been specifically TTC (we were somewhat trying for the past 3 years, but recently started trying even harder and specifically labeling it TTC because my doctor said its going to be impossible soon - i hope that makes sense ), trying to have sex more during the fertile window, etc. This month my period was 3 weeks late, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive but VERY faintly. I took a second one 3 days later and again super faintly positive. I was so incredibly excited. The next morning I woke up to my period.
My best friend is 29 weeks pregnant right now, and got pregnant her first time having unprotected sex. I'm happy for her and love the baby already as if hes my own nephew. And I hate that I feel this way but...I'm so incredibly bitter. Every time I see her posting belly pictures, ultrasounds, etc I get so mad. I find myself specifically looking for faults in her to be mad at and thinking 'well SHE doesnt deserve a baby because xyz but I DO".
Does anyone else get these feelings or am i just a terrible person? How do you handle having a pregnant friend?

AlohaKumu · December 2017

@mortuaryfaerie These feelings of anger and sadness are a normal part of the ongoing grieving process that we deal with as part of IF. It can be so hard to see friends and family members get pregnant left and right, especially for those we feel might not “deserve” a baby. You aren’t a terrible person. You may find it helpful to talk to a counselor to help you work out your feelings. You may tell your friend that you need some distance for a while. I highly suggest “hiding” her on social media for a while or taking a social media break altogether. There’s not one right way to be able to process these feelings, but you are taking a good first step in recognizing that they are there and that you feel you need more of a sense of balance in order to decide what’s best for you.

lablover78 · December 2017

Infertility is extremely difficult to navigate. You are not a terrible person- these feelings are unfortunately part of it

I can relate because not only do you have to deal with sadness, jealousy etc but then you’re dealing with the shame and guilt for feeling that way. Be patient with yourself and feel free to use this community for support!

puppysnuggles · January 2018

I’ve had these exact feelings and the situation repeat itself over and over during my 4 years TTC. I wondered over and over again why I couldn’t just be happy for my friends. I think the best (hard) advice I got was from my therapist was that at some points in our lives the nature of certain friendships need to change (for me this actually meant stop talking to one of my best friends because her attitude towards my dealing with infertility was unhealthy for me), but if they are our true friends they will be in our lives when times change. If you need to, unfollow anyone who’s pregnant on social media. They won’t be upset about one missing “like”. Just take it day by day and be kind to yourself. This is one of the hardest things you can go through!

funkykey · January 2018

@mortuaryfaerie - I'm so sorry, this is really tough. I'm especially sorry for what sounds like your CP. That is the WORST.

Someone on another thread mentioned lately that you can "snooze" people on Facebook for periods of about 30 days. Since then, I've not just snoozed my friends who post all their bump/new baby photos, I've also been snoozing all kinds of obnoxious Facebook posters!

I don't think you're a terrible person; IF is awful. I don't always experience jealousy over other people's pregnancies - for me, it really seems to depend on the person - but when I do, it sucks. I try to remember that it's not about the other person, it's just about how hard our struggle to conceive has been.

Good luck!

roisis · January 2018

You're not a terrible person at all! You're just acknowledging your own feelings - which is very important to do. It is ok for you to be happy for your friend, while being sad for yourself. IF is such a hard thing to navigate and no-one understands it unless they are going through it themselves. I'm sure your friend doesn't mean to hurt your feelings, but she is just excited about her own situation. I agree with the others that taking a step back is probably the best for you right now x

If I may be so forward as to describe my own situation today (**TW - loss mentioned):
I just sent out a group email at work to have a collection for cake and a present for a pregnant women who will be leaving us shortly. Her baby is due on Feb 5th, mine was due on the 2nd. I had a m/c after a round of IVF last year and was heartbroken to lose it at 9wks. I had only returned to work when she took me aside to say that she was pregnant - also after IVF. I am happy for her but I was devastated to find out I would have to watch her go through the pregnancy at the exact same stages I had expected to go through mine. We are the only 2 women in our office (stupid computer science!). I feel like I should have been a better friend to her over the last 6 months, but there's only so much I can endure. Thankfully she at least knew my situation and has sympathy, having gone through it herself, but it was still really weird and I still feel like I should have done more. Unfortunately none of the men have been particularly interested in her situation, and I knew if I didn't suggest a present, no-one else would. So I'll organise cake and get a present and smile and wish her well on Thursday, but it hurts inside. (**end TW)

Sorry to give my own rant - your post just really resonated with me today. I wish you all the best with whatever treatment you take on next. It's a tough fact that women around us are going to get pregnant. Yay for them, but it's ok for us to acknowledge it sucks for us!
Stay strong xxx

rita340 · January 2018

Oh, dear. You are not a terrible person. You just want to get pregnant and your feelings are absolutely normal. I’m sure that you love your best friend and you want her to be happy. But you also love yourself. And you are definitely worth of being happy too! And you will become a mom soon. I feel so sad reading your post. I remember the time when I was TTC. I had two MCs and I was so scared and frustrated. I couldn’t see pregnant women at all. I was crying every time when I saw little kids with their parents. But you are a human and it is normal to be so sad. I recommend you to stop crying and to start looking for a way to get pregnant.

Have you been thinking of IVF? Did you consult your doctor? Is there a chance for you to get pregnant naturally? I really want you to start changing your life. There are a lot of ways to become parents with the help of medicine. After 2 MCs I got pregnant with the help of IVF. I’m very glad that I didn’t give up. My husband assured me that we would become parents. And we did it. I gave birth to a great kid. He makes me happy every single day.

Even if IVF is not an option for you, keep trying. Think about surrogacy option or adoption. A lot of women around the world become parents without getting pregnant. It is absolutely normal nowadays.

I really wish you all the best. Don’t give up!

spyderbitt · January 2018

My father passed away 4 years ago. He was a very wise man. I know I am biased when i say this but... I sincerely believe in these words. Among the things that he taught me was to never compare yourself to other. For nothing at all. He used to say that comparing yourself to somebody else is like stabbing yourself. It cannot benefit you. All you will gain is pain. I think that you are making a mistake just like that. Don't compare what they have achieved with what you have. They are they and you are you! It is important that you appreciate yourself. I am sorry that you feel this way but... It is not fine to hate at your friends. I am sorry if this offends you! I am just speaking my mind!

PosieJ · February 2018

This has been one of the most difficult things to navigate for me. My friends cry when they tell me they are pregnant. They wait to tell me, also, just to see if I might become pregnant, making the news easier to break. A couple who rents a unit in my parents' home are pregnant, as well, and she just so happens to have the exact same due date as I had before I lost my last pregnancy at 10 weeks. She is there, always, when I visit my family. It is deeply challenging. I have to remind myself, over and over, that all fertility is good fertility. I truly believe this. Positive fertile energy can only help us conceive and have children of our own. It takes a ton of daily meditation and various kids of therapy/healing to get to this point and to maintain feelings of goodwill, but I can say that it feels infinitely better than that old bitterness. I find that the initial announcement cuts like a knife, but after this, I can let myself settle into the reality of their pregnancy, wherein I begin not only to accept it, but to celebrate with them.

bubblyducks24 · February 2018

It's okay to feel how you feel, darling. Us giving birth to a child of our own and having a family should be innate, and it's not unfortunately - which completely sucks! Like many of us said, we're here for your support! It's gonna be okay no matter what. You're not the only person going through this, and you have a community to help you stay strong even when the sky doesn't look too bright. I'll be praying!!!! Good luck XOXO

prtykty84 · February 2018

This is why I joined this group! I am so sorry that you are experiencing all of these conflicting feeling but know you are not alone. It’s such a strange feeling being happy for a good friend...but wishing that was you...then feeling guilty for being jealous...but being happy for them...but REALLY wishing it was you! It’s a viscous cycle, and one that I’m all too familiar with! Keep your head up and remember...it’s ok to be happy and sad at the same time.

meganttc3 · February 2018

I understand how you feel! I not only feel that way towards friends but I am a pediatric nurse and when I have kids who are not being taken care of I get so angry. How can they have these beautiful children and not take care of them when I can't have kids....my way of dealing with it is I take a few minutes to myself and I get angry. I get upset. I cry. And then I take a deep breath and I try to let it all go. I find it easier to deal with If I accept my feelings and let myself feel them for a few minutes but I don't allow myself to stay in that place.

How are you handling it now? Are you doing ok?

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