January - Hoping to Adopt/ Adopting/ Adoptive Parents

britters314 · January 2018

Are you thinking about adopting / fostering? Are you in the process of adopting/fostering? If so, please tell us more about yourself and your experiences so far.

-What route (Foster Care adoption, domestic, international)?

-Where are you in the process right now (just thinking, home study, waiting for match, etc.)

-How are you feeling about the process right now?

-Any questions?

-Any tips for the steps you’ve passed?

-Anything else to add?

britters314 · January 2018

-What route (Foster Care adoption, domestic, international)?
Foster Care, thinking about embryo donation

-Where are you in the process right now (just thinking, home study, waiting for match, etc.)
Just finished a week of respite care, now waiting for our next placement

-How are you feeling about the process right now?
Oh, after that week, I think I'll be okay with a bit of a wait and some resting time lol. Our licensing agent did tell us, though, that they do tend to get more placement after holiday breaks, so we may be getting another placement in the next few weeks.

-Any questions?
I know a few of you have had placements already. How long did it take to get the kids used to your home and rules and schedule? I know it'll be different for every kid, but I'd still like to hear. And is there anything you did that seemed to help the transition?

-Any tips for the steps you’ve passed?
Don't live in a cold climate with children. Oh, it was so awful being stuck in our apartment because wind chills were -20 F.

Also, if you do get a call about respite care, take it. It will give you some good practice.

-Anything else to add?
Not at the moment, but if anyone has any questions about how the week of respite care went, feel free to ask!

AnnieR81 · January 2018

What route (Foster Care, Adoption, etc.) Domestic Infant Adoption

-Where are you in the process right now (just thinking, home study, waiting for match, etc.)
Waiting to be matched to a birth mother. We're also getting the papers together to renew our home study.

-How are you feeling about the process right now?
Anxious to be matched. I saw a few couples at the beach the other day with their babies playing in the sand and screaming when the fireworks started. It made me think about what it will be like when my SO and I have a little one.

-Any questions?
Has anyone been through the process of a Homestudy Renewal before? It seems like they are asking for the same paperwork as before including finger prints, reference letters, driver's licences and home visit. I was surprised by that as these generally don't change year over year.

-Any tips for the steps you’ve passed? Stay organized with your paperwork and make digital copies in case the agency asks for the same documents multiple times over.

-Anything else to add? I wish you all a happy, healthy and blessed 2018. This is our year ladies! Stay committed and positive no matter your journey.

nikki2427 · January 2018

-What route (Foster Care adoption, domestic, international)?
Domestic adoption

-Where are you in the process right now (just thinking, home study, waiting for match, etc.)
Matched -Baby Due March 15th - Had first homestudy last Friday with the interview part - next one scheduled for this week.

-How are you feeling about the process right now?
Anxious - Ready to have all the paperwork done.

-Any questions?
None at the moment - I think I’ll have more soon!!
-Any tips for the steps you’ve passed?
For the type of adoption we did we actually started with a lawyer - it cut a lot of the Adoption Agency costs - I read someone saying 30-40K - with a lawyer it could be less than $10k including homestudy (which could be done by an agency / separately from the lawyer - but still avoiding the costs) - call around to different lawyers some meet free of charge to start and give you advice - some charge per hour - you can even call around to social workers to see if they have a lawyer they recommend - some give discounts if your working with social workers and lawyers who do business together often - - my SO and I started looking around almost 2 years ago for lawyers - and this year when we really wanted to start the process it was so sad because agencies wanted so much money - and a lot of adoption lawyers can do the “matching” - also don’t fall for the attorneys who want you to pay for the birth moms lawyer as well - they charge so much where do they think people have all this money especially when your looking to take care of another life! ❤️
-Anything else to add?

Dont give up - call around get prices - I also read someone is thinking embryo adoption - I think that’s wonderful!! I would love to hear your journey with that if you decide to go further with that -

AnnieR81 · January 2018

@nikki2427 Wow! Congratulations. Thanks for the advice. We are working on renewing our homestudy now.

car_e · January 2018

-What route (Foster Care adoption, domestic, international)?
Foster Care

-Where are you in the process right now (just thinking, home study, waiting for match, etc.)
We're in training this month, we have the majority of our paperwork complete and we also have our home study scheduled.

-How are you feeling about the process right now?
Excited and terrified - we don't have any biological children and while we have plenty of nieces and nephews and friends with kiddos, not having our own makes us worry we won't know how to cope. But we have the space and the love and the energy (maybe?) and we see the need in our area so we want to start fostering.

-Any questions?
Lots...top of my mind at the moment:
Do you think it's fine that we don't have a separate play room?
Our agency didn't give us a square footage requirement for space for a child, wondering what others have been told?
Toy-wise: What's the best way to prepare our home for a wider age range of kids? Should I buy some toys to start, or wait for a placement?
When you started telling people, what was their reaction?

-Any tips for the steps you’ve passed?
I really like the agency we've chosen to work with - when I first started researching I didn't realize that there were private agencies who work with the state for foster care, they provide a little more support and I'm grateful to have this as we start out

-Anything else to add?
When my hubby and I first started TTC (a looooong time ago) I used to lurk on the bump boards for info and for the emotional support of reading other's posts and knowing that I wasn't the only one wondering something, though I never posted myself. I think I was worried about posting and being called out for making a newbie mistake. Now that we're pursuing foster care I'm hopeful to learn and say hello to other mamas - hope it's okay that I intro'd this way...it's been awhile since I hung around here.

britters314 · January 2018

@car_e Welcome to the board! I can try to answer a couple of your questions. I think it's fine that you don't have a separate play room, that is if you don't mind your living room getting loud and messy lol. Plenty of people with kids don't have the space for a playroom and their kids just use their bedrooms and the living room.
As for square footage, it probably varies by state and/or agency. If I remember correctly, we were told 35 sq ft for the first child and 25 for every subsequent child, which is hardly any space. During one of your home visits they'll measure the room and tell you how many children can live in it. Our second bedroom isn't very large and we were approved for 3 children.
We didn't buy any toys ahead of time because it's hard to prepare for every age range. We've only had one placement so far and it was respite care so they were only here for a week, but as soon as I knew they were coming, I told my family and they bought us a few toys and got some hand-me-downs from friends with kids. So that at least was enough to get us through a week. Since you have friends and family with kids, you could probably ask to at least borrow some toys once you get a placement. Then when you have the chance to buy your own toys for the kids you can give the borrowed ones back.
When we started telling people, everyone was very supportive, which was great. Most of them didn't even know it was because we were having trouble TTC either. Hopefully you get the same reaction!

britters314 · January 2018

Update for me: It looks like H and I will be getting a placement soon of a 6-month-old boy! We got a call asking if we could take him and I was told we should get a call from the caseworker soon (probably after the holiday). Time to start looking into daycares!

soehlerk · January 2018

-What route (Foster Care adoption, domestic, international)?
Probably domestic, but open to international

-Where are you in the process right now (just thinking, home study, waiting for match, etc.)
Just thinking/researching. We're nearing the end of our fertility treatments, and we're choosing between IVF or adoption. Financially there are more benefits and fewer risks with adoption, so we're strongly leaning in that direction. We're meeting with a few adoption agencies in the area over the next few weeks.

-How are you feeling about the process right now?
Skeptical? I am generally an optimistic person, and I know once we're in the adoption path, then I'll be in it. But right now I'm dreading admitting defeat with this fertility stuff, and I'm scared about having a failed adoption or signing on with an agency that goes bankrupt or something.

-Any questions?
What questions should we be asking for potential agencies? How to avoid a failed adoption? Did you take a break between fertility treatments and pursuing adoption? Did you do any fundraising from friends/family toward adoption? What do you wish you knew when you started this process?

-Any tips for the steps you’ve passed?
Haha N/A. I'm completely new.

-Anything else to add?
How did you deal with the transition from back-to-back fertility treatments into the slow, paperwork-filled process of adoption?

tamalahoops · January 2018

TW: Miscarriage mentioned below (also this is super long. sorry bout that.)

@soehlerk Hi! Welcome! We also just switched from infertility treatments to pursuing adoption. A brief summary of our journey so far: Trying since 2015, tried everything with an RE, did IVF last January, transferred the only normal embryo we had and then had a loss at around 12 weeks in June. IVF was really hard on me both physically and emotionally so I ultimately decided I was not going to do anymore IVF. We officially decided to pursue adoption in August. For me, the change from treatments to waiting has been such a relaxing one. Stopping treatment stopped my manic desperation to get to the next step, the next treatment, the next beta, the next whatever. I feel like now I can slow down and be more patient because my biological clock is not ticking loudly in my ear. My chances of adopting 5 years from now are the same as they would be if I adopted this year.

As far as agencies, I had a lot of prerequisites, some of which I needed to let go of. I want our adoption to be as ethical as possible, so I wanted to choose an agency that offered a lot of support for expectant parents and that didn't practice predatory advertising. We also wanted an agency that didn't discriminate against same sex families. Ultimately, the agency we chose is a little more expensive than we were planning on, but has a refund policy for any failed matches. We have not done our homestudy or gone active yet because we are working on paying off our debt and saving for the cost of adoption. When we get to the point of raising funds, we will probably do a fundraiser and we plan to apply for all of the grants that we can. I also started an etsy shop, to keep busy and to earn a little money on the side.

Feel free to shoot me a message! Sorry this turned into a novel!

nikki2427 · January 2018

@soehlerk - Welcome! So honestly going through the adoption process was so much less paperwork than I thought and the homestudy I feel like I prepped overboard for it! Watching YouTube and reading online definitely added way more pressure than needed to be - I also tried fertility treatments and was between IVF and adoption - my husband and I decided that we wanted a baby and for us it did not matter biological or not - we actually sought out a lawyer and he recommended an agency- they worked closely together and meshed very well and it helped take away a lot of the uncertainty- I would recommend seeking out different types of agencies - we knew we wanted an infant or newborn so I was at first looking into catholic charities - or even reaching out to infertility groups through RESOLVE - and seeing if there are groups near you - I totally forgot about that!! They actually have people who connect with adoption agencies and are there for support - but anyways go meet with lawyers preferably ones that do not charge for a consultation - never settle on one - compare there are some charging 30k plus ...it can get out of hand! As long as it’s by the law the prices should not be so high - Adoption is never 100% guaranteed until you sign the paperwork which is terrifying but you get to a point that you just have to believe it will work itself out -sorry if it was all over the place hope some of this helps lol

Janel0207 · January 2018

Hey! Yes, we’re in the process of adopting!!! We decided to do a domestic infant adoption through a private agency within our state. We have a 5 year old bio son who is amazing! We’ve met our birth mom and she’s due in less than 10 weeks! All looks good on the ultrasounds. We can’t wait to meet our baby girl in March!!!

Janel0207 · January 2018

So exciting!!! My husband and I too said we were open to a baby already born. Our adopted baby is due in less tha man 10 weeks:). We already have a 5 year old biological son who is beyond excited!!!

soehlerk · January 2018

Thank you for all the feedback!

@tamalahoops I am starting to get that now--the idea of not having to give myself any more shots or stress over fertility treatments sounds like a relief. Adoption will take time, but it's time we have. And we're planning on doing the same thing--doing some fundraising, but also living with my parents for a few months to save some money toward adoption.

We actually met with a group on Friday, and we love it. I can't let us just go with the only adoption agency we've spoken to though, so I'm going to continue shopping around a bit. But the group is small, local, and only handles domestic newborn adoptions. Their fee schedule is manageable, and of course we wouldn't pay the major chunk of it until we actually have the child in our home. They will cover up to $4000 of medical expenses for the birth mother, and they won't even tell us about potential birth mothers unless they've gone through counseling and feel they're definitely ready to commit to adoption. We both left feeling really solid about it. It will still be hard to give up the dream of having our own biological child, but I feel like this is right for us.

tamalahoops · January 2018

@soehlerk We're living rent free right now and it is so worth it to save that money! I think that agency sounds great! We also went to some foster care information meetings and some meetings for some local agencies before deciding. We also joined a private facebook group of just adoptive parents for our agency and that has been the most enlightening. Because no one from the agency is in the group everyone speaks really freely about their experience.

lizerspitz · January 2018

Hello all. I pop in very rarely but I’m more convinced than ever that my next child will be adopted. I have a 7 month old now. Recovering from delivery- simple vaginal- had left me in very minor but chronic tailbone pain and I’m not interested in aggravating my muscles and bones to have another child biologically right now.

I thought I was only nterested in newborn adoption but after bonding with my son, I would be very open to toddler. That also opens the door for fostering which I had closed before.

now that my thoughts have changed on what I would want, I’m just gathering any information I can! My time line is 2-4 years.

Good luck to all of your searches!

January - Hoping to Adopt/ Adopting/ Adoptive Parents

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