TTCAL w/o 12/25

AlohaKumu · December 2017

@offtoneverland Thank you so much. DH ended up coming home after I texted him and I was finally able to get some sleep. He's not taking this as hard as I am and he didn't realize that this is still really tough for me. When people try to be too optimistic about all of this, it only makes it feel worse. (I'm also very optimistic in general, but the whole IF experience has shoved me into reality.) Like you said, we don't know what the end result is going to be, even given all the time in the world. For your situation, I would definitely communicate what's been happening to a medical professional to see if they want you to get further testing or to see a RE. From what I've read, CPs are pretty common, but most women aren't tracking as closely as we are, so they don't even realize that a loss occurred. I've always felt more in "control" by being proactive in this arena, especially since some treatments can take a while if they do find a specific diagnosis.

@tamalahoops Thank you for reaching out to me so many times throughout this process. You have such a great heart. Yes, that "loss of possibility" is really crushing. We've had so many other types of loss to deal with since we started trying, so to have a CP at this stage is just salt in the wound. Like when can we get a break? I know we'll probably pursue adoption, too, if our embies don't yield anything. I just can't do another IVF cycle.

@dpjennifer Yes, the feeling of numbness has definitely been there. I'm just tired of my heart hurting over and over again. I just don't want the numbness to become my default.

@meatballs37 I cannot fathom what the loss of your twins was like and I am so sorry that you are here. (I hope you don't think I'm a creepy internet stalker, but I read through your story from the links in another discussion.) I know you want to be there for your friend, but like the instructions for the plane say, you've got to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others around you. It's definitely hard to be honest with people in these situations, especially when they are grieving, but it's not fair to put you in a position to be a dumping ground for all this triggering emotion. (Even before my CP, I was straight up with my cousin when she blasted me with her ultrasound photos.) It's okay to not be in a place right now. You can still be her friend, even if healthy distance is necessary for the time being.

meatballs37 · December 2017

@AlohaKumu
That is a good analogy about the oxygen mask. I am going to call her this weekend and talk to her about it. I am still dreading it though. But sometimes the anticipation is the worst part about being anxious. I am sure she will be understanding once I lay it out there.

And I definitely don't think anyone is creepy internet stalking when they read my blog.

It has been such a nice outlet for me to talk about my feelings and the nightmare we went through. And that way people can either decide to read it or not on their own. I have had people who I don't even know contact us. It has been such a huge support for DH and I. Sometimes I feel like strangers have been more supportive than our close friends.

I hope you were able to get some rest last night. One day at a time is what I tell myself and it seems to help.

holly321 · December 2017

@meatballs37, I am sorry your friend is putting you in such a position. I hope when you talk to her things go well, I don't have any advice really. I was in a similar situation with my last loss, it was tough.
I am sorry that you are back to work, I hope it can help be a distraction for you.

@dpjennifer I love being snowed in. It is nice to not have to worry about going anywhere or doing anything, since you can't. Good luck POAS!

@offtoneverland, I am so heartbroken to see you here again. *Hugs*. Sorry is not enough . I am not sure when you are "supposed" to seek help, but I don't see the harm in asking. My opinion is, if there are multiple losses, especially if they are similar in nature, you should seek help. Like in my case, my losses are all so different, so it seems to not be caused by the same issues, and we have had some chromosomal testing and karotyping done for other reasons.

@AlohaKumu, I am sorry you are feeling so "meh." I felt like after my loss, I initially didn't feel like I felt I should, but I feel like my feelings are all over the place. Sometimes I am sad, other times I feel nothing, but mostly I feel frustrating and annoyed at the waiting, so I can commiserate with you there. I am very tired of waiting. And I hope you don't feel pressured to go out if you don't want to. I remember when my loss was still new and people were trying to get me to go out to cheer me up, it just made me angrier.

acciocoffee · December 2017

@meatballs37 I'm glad you are going to talk to your friend. I just had to have a similar conversation with my KU friend because I wanted to support her, but talking about her pregnancy was killing me and making me lose all hope. Plus listening to me talk about my MC was not beneficial for her either. I think sometimes people just want someone to listen to them and they forget that what they are saying might be painful.

@AlohaKumu I'm so sorry for your loss. I've really learned this last month to just let myself feel whatever I need to feel. A few days after our MC I went through a stage of numbness where I just couldn't feel anything at all. I really hope I can eventually get back to being a generally positive person, but I'm just not there yet.

[Deleted User] · December 2017

@acciocoffee. You are so sweet. ❤ I have been on here a long time, and while most of the time these days, I don't feel like I have it in me to give as much as I would like to, my heart really goes out to those who are struggling, and I love seeing how we come together and support one another. I know when we got our dx a bit over a year ago, it brought me to a very dark place. And I couldn't tell anyone around me bc no one even really knew we were ttc, it wasn't <i>my</i> dx to tell exactly etc. etc. All I know is the women here saved me. No one told me I couldn't sit with them bc my husband didn't have sperm. I was so desperate to find an answer apart from ivf, but when it got to that point where we could finally accept it, somehow we got through. DH still doesn't want to talk about it openly, our parents still don't know and he has no plans of telling anyone <<insert huge eyeroll>> but needless to say, I needed a place to talk about it, or I was going to explode. Lol. So that's why I'm still here, because I know how soulcrushing and dark this journey can be at times. And I think we owe it to each other to try and shine a light. ❤

I'm sorry I don't have any advice on when to expect AF, but I do think unfortunately it can take a little extra time for all the hormones to re-regulate. After mine, I just jumped right into taking Estrace for my next transfer, so I guess I don't have any idea when my body would have decided to ovulate on its own. I'm so sorry you're still waiting.

@offtoneverland. I'm so sorry to see you here. (((Hugs))) I would definitely start that conversation with your doctor and look into teating. I'm not a doctor, but I do know ladies through here who have had success once they sought treatment. A couple it was as simple as needing to take methylated folate if they have a MTHFR mutation, others did ivf with special immunosuppressant protocols. Idk. And I wish I knew what the answer might be for you. Just remember there is hope. :)

@meatballs37. Good luck talking with your friend over the weekend. I agree, what she's doing isn't really fair to you, and she may not even realise what a TW she's being. It sounds to me like you've pulled yourself into a healthier place because you had no choice. We give ourselves permission to be okay - even for 10 minutes at a time - and slowly by slowly we find a way to function, just a little bit. My tough love side says it sounds like she's throwing herself a big ole pity party and is oblivious to the fact that what she's experiencing is a drop in the bucket. Not to compare, but you would think her loss would give her greater capacity to empathise with you, but what she's doing sounds pretty selfish / self-centered. It is totally fair to tell her, after what you've been through, you are still grieving yourself and not in the best place to offer her the support she's asking of you. I commend the courage and grace you are showing each and every day. If she can't see how much you have already fought to heal yourself thus far, it may be time for a bit of a break from her, to protect your own heart. (((Hugs)))

@Alohakumu. I'm glad your H came back and he's starting to try and understand at least how it's affecting you. I do hope so hard you will be able to step off the wheel of all the waiting and procedures that go along with IF soon... ❤

@zamora_spin. GL testing this weekend, and hopefully making it to 6w and beyond!!! :D

*typos

offtoneverland · December 2017

Thank you to each and every one of you for the support. I heard back from my doctor this morning and he said to give them a call and they would give me a referral to an RE to start some testing. So I guess we'll see what happens next!
@BusinessWife I'm sorry to hear that YH doesn't want to talk about his dx openly. That must be so hard for you to keep it all in and not get to share it with your friends or family. That's great of you to respect his decision though. I'm not so sure I could have done the same if I had been in your position because I hate keeping secrets.
@meatballs37 I creepy stalked your blog this morning too after @AlohaKumu mentioned it. I used practically a whole box of tissues while reading through it. It was beautiful and heart wrenching. Thank you for sharing your story.

dpjennifer · December 2017

offtoneverland CPs definitely ‘count;’ however, various doctors do it differently. My OB wouldn’t ‘count’ one of my MC because by the time I came into the office and peed on their less sensitive test it was already over. (I’d had to wait all weekend before I could get to their office Monday afternoon!). However, my RE just asked how many times and when we got PG and how early the losses were. What is your OB saying? Maybe it’s time to search out an RE. As zamora_spin said, usually OBs will consider you AMA (advanced maternal age) at 35 or above, and will give you more testing earlier than if you’re younger. But, I think at this point most (if not all) RE’s consider RPL to be 2 losses with no previous live births. Many OBs still live by the old ‘3 losses’ rule.

@AlohaKuma Take care of yourself… don’t worry about responding to everyone! Do what you can, when you can, and don’t push yourself past what you can handle right now.

@tamalahoops Sorry if this question is too personal, but DH is against adoption right now and since we’ve got unexplained RPL I’m not sure about IVF (don’t want to spend all that money for something I don’t know if it will fix the ‘problem’ or not). All my DH keeps saying is that “I could buy a new car for the price of a cycle of IVF!” (which is something infuriating on another level.) But, how did you bring your DH around to being open about looking into adoption?

Redpuma119 · December 2017

@alohakumu big hugs. I also had the same "meh" feeling. Almost like you're drained. All outta feels. I'm so glad that your dr can quickly get you in for another cycle.

@offtoneverland no!!!!! So sorry to see you back here. As far as what drs will recognize, they're all different. TW***** I had a blighted ovum found at 9 weeks, then an almost 7 week natural miscarriage, and then a cp. because we have never seen a heartbeat, some drs won't consider those pregnancies. It did, however, enable my re to bill insurance for a bucket of tests that wouldn't otherwise be covered. And like you, I CAN get pregnant, but something had to be going on. My dr thinks my prolactin issues are a result of the pregnancy. Other issues were found because of the testing he did. Perhaps you are experience something similar and it's affecting you carrying a pregnancy. End TW***** its great you got a referral and hopefully you'll get answers soon!

ETA words. Because you don't Jill insurance- you "bill" them

meatballs37 · December 2017

@BusinessWife Thank you for the encouraging words. That is why I love TB. Even though I am pretty open on my blog, I am pretty sure no one IRL knows I post here on TB. This place has also saved me from a lot of dark days. Your journey thus far sounds so hard and I just wanted to say I somewhat can relate in a very small, but different way. DH had testicular cancer (he is considered cured now) before we met and as a result went through chemo and the removal of one. He also doesn't talk openly about it and in fact some of his friends and family don't even know about it. He went through chemo when he was at clinicals three hours away from his hometown, so he was able to be very private about it. I think men are weirded out about openly talking about their reproductive parts. When we decided to start trying for children, I wanted to know what our chances were and talk to my OB and his oncologist about it. DH was definitely not as comfortable doing so. He didn't see the need until it came to that point. sigh. Insert annoyed wife here. Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is I am so glad you have been able to lean on this community because keeping it all in would make me explode as well.

offtoneverland · December 2017

@Redpuma119 Thank you so much for the information. I lurk the IF thread on occasion and didn't realize that you have had several losses. I'm so sorry to hear that.

Thanks for sharing about your experiences. To be honest, I was pretty surprised that my OB said he'd refer me to an RE. I thought for sure he'd want me to keep trying for a while since my losses were so early. So glad he's not going to make me wait longer. It'll be great to at least get some testing done to see if there are any underlying issues. Sorry, I don't know your full TTC history, but I hope that whatever issues they found during your testing are treatable and you get your rainbow baby soon.

galactickates · December 2017

I just wanted to say I was thinking of you all. Xoxo

Sometimes I feel useless because I just don't have the medical knowledge like everyone else and I'm not good at comforting. I always feel like I'm sounding like an automated robot and I hate that. But I care a lot about you guys. Just six months ago I didn't even know any of you existed and now I don't know what I would do without you guys. The support I've gotten for myself and seen for others is really beautiful. Just reflecting

Eta - what I meant to say was thank you

tamalahoops · December 2017

@dpjennifer Thats a tough one. My husband did not want a baby that wasn't "his baby." He said a lot of "wanting his own baby," and not wanting to "raise someone else's kid." He slowly started to come around, as stupid as it sounds, by watching TLC. He loves the show 7 Little Johnstons and he later confessed that seeing them with their kids and not knowing which were adopted and which were biological really had an effect on him.

My biggest advice is to not push, as hard as it is. The more I pushed the adoption conversation, the more he wanted nothing to do with it. I am happy to be an ear to bend or a shoulder to cry on no matter what. And for the most part, I'm happy to answer any adoption questions any of the lovely ladies here have!

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